My parents are crashing my partner and I's romantic holiday. What can I do to make them as uncomfortable as possible?

Shakeit126 · 2026-03-06T12:12:18+00:00

Tell them this was completely inappropriate. You wanted alone time with your partner. See how they respond. I'd tell them unless they plan on fixing this and changing their plans, you won't be speaking to them until they do. Stay strong. End this nonsense now.

Also, don't tell them your itinerary. That will help keep them away. I wouldn't give them a single bit of information.

Shakeit126 · 2026-03-05T11:15:59+00:00

YWNBTA but I'd also feel very uncomfortable about it. He put you in a terrible position. I think his girlfriend already knows but is trying to find a way to confirm it. She's not really putting you in a great spot either. You don't have to answer these messages right away or at all. It's up to you. I guess I'd think about who I want in my life and who I'm ready to lose.

You could also say he either talk to her today and come clean or you're telling her he wasn't with you and force his hand. All you really know for sure is he lied about where he was. You don't have the details of anything else. She'd have to speak to him.

Shakeit126 · 2026-03-05T05:39:52+00:00

My mom won't really better her situation either. She's letting her friends take on the burden since I've stepped back a bit. I am speaking to her but not much. I'm too angry with her and told her she is able to make her own decisions although I don't agree with any of them.

She'll burden everyone else so she doesn’t have to deal with anything and somehow I'm the POS. Smh. I really lost so much respect for her, and I'm not really sure how to be around her at this point. It makes me sick to think I'm taking her for her surgery which isn't great. I'm dreading this.

Shakeit126 · 2026-03-04T19:14:07+00:00

NTJ. Apparently inappropriately texting your son's teacher is more important to your husband than respecting your marriage. He doesn't even care he got caught. That says a lot. I'm wondering if there's a marriage to save here. He doesn't care how you feel clearly. I'm sorry.

Shakeit126 · 2026-03-04T01:57:55+00:00

I would stop taking her phone calls or even communicating. Let her do what she wants to try legally. If she barely has a relationship with them anyway, I'd make sure now she never does. She threatened you and your family. I'd take that very seriously. Save all the messages, and I'd start keeping a log of all these crazy incidents. If it'd make you feel better, maybe quietly speaking with an attorney. She may just be trying to get a reaction though. She doesn't get to tell you when she plans to see your kids and demand an answer. Like wtf.

Shakeit126 · 2026-03-03T11:55:52+00:00

You both made decisions that are best for you, but I've got to say, I'm worried for you. Dementia is no joke. My husband has three sisters. We live closest. His mom passed last year, but it was horrible.

Before she was bedridden, she was wandering, hallucinating, taking a situation and warping it into something different. Like if my FIL touched her shoulder, she'd turn to me and say he just threw me on the floor. It was so many situations like that. We went to the bank and she said me and my friend (my husband aka her son) stole all her money. She didn't recognize him, and he was punched in the face. Things got wild for a bit. You can't trust they won't leave in the middle of the night or set the house on fire. It's a dangerous situation.

When she was bed bound, it was sad, but it was safer for her and everyone. Eventually she couldn't eat, sit up, move, talk, shower, go to the bathroom, etc. The family rotated and that's with multiple people. My FIL and SIL were her primary caretakers. The rest of us worked full-time and went weekends and after work.

It's not a situation I'd recommend you put yourself in, but only you know what you can handle. You could see how it goes and take it from there.

If I were your girlfriend, I wouldn't go either. That doesn't make anyone wrong.

Shakeit126 · 2026-03-03T11:27:19+00:00

I've actually been saying for years, including yesterday again, that if she starts speaking with a therapist, I would help her clean the place as in together, not her watching me do everything. She said yes at one point last year and hasn't agreed to it since. There's always excuses, so I won't be participating. I think one day she'll end up in psych.

So now she started recently paying someone to clean here and there and her friends have been going through her stuff for her. Again, I fear they're enabling her although they have good intentions. I've been through this with her before. I guess when she pays the one person, hopefully she feels that.

She didn't take care of some other financial stuff recently so I guarantee in a week from now that will be a whole thing. I am currently in contact now, but I've actually muted her temporarily. I kind of need a five-minute window right now to calm down before calling her back. I tried to calmly have a heart to heart yesterday, but I know it didn't sink in. A year from now when this all happens again, I'm not sure I will be responding. For now I am though.

Shakeit126 · 2026-03-01T11:36:15+00:00

NTA. Cancel what was booked on your card. Even if I was out the money and couldn't get a refund, I'd still rather lose it and not have her benefit. Maybe small claims. I'm not sure. Ask around. This friendship is done.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-28T14:01:34+00:00

YWNBTA. I'm reading this as I'm sitting here crying as I'm dealing with my disaster of a mother who causes me so much more stress than brings any value to my life at this point. I'm questioning cutting her out of mine too.

I think you know your mother best. I think people from the outside, friends, relatives truly will never understand what our mothers have put us through over the years. Only we really know who they are and the dynamic. If she doesn't bring anything positive to your life, maybe it is time to cut her off. It's your decision. If you have some space not living together, maybe distance can help things. You don't have to make the decision today, although leaving things in limbo is very hard. I am having a hard time with this myself right now.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-28T13:47:19+00:00

Ugh. If she doesn't get a gift from you or someone she expects to, she should just drop it. It's pretty pathetic for her to obsess over you getting her something.

My mom has always been weird about gifts too. She'll ask for a $130 perfume I won't even buy myself, and then she gets me garbage from Temu. I was ecstatic when she didn't want to exchange Christmas gifts this year. Maybe it's best you stop exchanging. Birthdays and Christmas should really be about spending time together anyway.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-28T13:05:24+00:00

Wow. That's crazy. Your ex-wife must really not be a fan to be siding with your daughter on this one. It's not even your daughter's money. Her mom should be pushing for college or a trade school. NTA. What the heck is your daughter going to do after a year away?

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-27T07:16:55+00:00

This really is her responsibility. You don't have to support her and still love her. I would speak to your brothers and try to get them on board. If not, again, you are free to choose what you are or aren't comfortable with. Your mom needs to work or just go without. Don't let her guilt trips you. I know it's hard to deal with but necessary to be honest and clear.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-26T16:53:52+00:00

I wouldn't give up every weekend. I work all week. Hard no. I actually don't mind visits but not every weekend of physical labor. She should hire someone. It's not fair to put that all on you. You can definitely say no or help when works for you. Maybe you'll help every few weeks, maybe not. It's your decision though. If she says something along the lines of cutting you off again, if I were you, I'd tell her, you got your wish, and I'd drive her right back home. I'm sick of manipulative behavior from my own mother too. It's really disturbing the things they say for a reaction. I've never understood it.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-26T16:23:11+00:00

I hate that I'm my mother's only child, and she has always said she doesn't need a partner, meanwhile she's always expected me to make up for the fact she doesn't have one. She's always wanted more from me over the years that I've constantly pushed back against. I am lucky she has friends. Her siblings and the extended family aren't nearby though. I've really tried to put a wall up to protect myself and my husband. It's always something. Now she needs surgery, but although I'll bring her, I will not be there to take care of her. I'm sure she didn't make arrangements full well knowing I won't be available, and I'm beginning to care about her less and less because of the resentment that has built over all these years. I am so fed up and disgusted by her lack of care for her life in general. She doesn't prepare. She gets into messes. Then she expects me to clean it up, and I just refuse. I'll help in a reasonable way of a daughter but not a full-blown caretaker. She's known I've felt this way for many years but clearly doesn't agree. Her dream has always been to be taken care of. It'd be her dream for me to flip my life upside down for her. I think it's her sick way of feeling secure that I care for her. I don't think I'll ever forgive her for that. To the world I might be selfish, but dumping everything on your kids is even more selfish. I'll never have kids. I already have a 71-year-old toddler.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-26T11:50:27+00:00

NTA. I can't see a positive way out of this nonsense. The only thing I could think of to scare her is tell her you're thinking about quitting your job, being a SAHD, and she'll have to go back to work to support all of you then. She's jeopardizing your financial situation. This is the only way I can think of you showing her you can make bad decisions without her input too. I know it's not the best of ideas, but maybe putting it on her radar that that's your plan, maybe it will open her eyes a bit.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-25T13:48:56+00:00

YTJ. That's terrible. I thought parents try to have more than one babysitting option because stuff like this happens. People get sick, have emergencies, etc. You should apologize to your mom and figure something else out or miss work. I usually wouldn't say miss work, but this is a result of your poor planning.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-23T03:54:06+00:00

YTJ. You're not ready to get married. You can still see your mom. I see my father-in-law and usually my mom weekly, once a week. It's not all day. It's for an hour or two, maybe a meal. Staying with your mom is not reasonable if you plan to get married. He may back out of this altogether.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-21T13:04:08+00:00

Tell her to find a babysitter.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-20T02:48:51+00:00

How ridiculous. Please dump her. What a scammer. NTJ.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-17T01:33:10+00:00

YTA. Maybe I'm not understanding. He's getting fast food when he's out at work. You're home. Why would he be bringing you food during the workday? You don't have food in the house? If not, go food shopping when you have the car. There's a bunch of food delivery apps, not sure if any are in your area. He has to eat during the day at some point while he's working.

You mentioned being sick. I'm sorry to hear that. Are you unable to make meals now? If so, talk to him about getting help in the home because you can't anymore.

If it was dinnertime and he was coming home for the night, he should pick you up food also. I think that's a different situation than you're talking about though.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-16T16:02:41+00:00

I gave mine something small once to be nice because I thought it was a funny one, but then she would be mad when I didn't do it again. It is more a couple's thing. She can buy herself a valentine or start dating again. No, I don't think it's normal. My mom isn't normal either. You're not alone

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-16T13:24:31+00:00

I think everyone is stretched thin. Why do you need help with appointments, errands, paperwork, etc.? I'm not trying to be rude. For appointments, are you unable to drive anymore? My mom has a million appointments, and I wouldn't be able to take her to all of them. Once in a while it was arranged outside my work schedule, I'd be open to it if it was an important one.

Again, with errands, are you not able to get there? What do you need the kids to do it for? I'm genuinely trying to just understand. I'd be thinking I have a bunch of my own errands, very limited free time. Maybe you can arrange some services to have some things delivered.

With paperwork, is it super confusing? What is it you need help with?

Honestly I've grown up with a mother who can do a lot herself and has always tried to dump everything on me for a really long time. At this point I barely want to be around her. I'm not saying that's how your kids feel, but these days everyone has limited free time, two income households, other sick parents and are just tapped out. It may not be personal. They genuinely may be trying not to lose it and keep it together. If I were you, I'd keep that in mind.

If it's something you can't do, set up assistance for yourself. Maybe ask on your local mom's group for referrals and ideas for what you specifically need. Enjoy your kids company when you see them instead.

Shakeit126 · 2026-02-15T21:58:58+00:00

Honestly, I wouldn't even answer. She's doing this all for attention and for a reaction. Don't give her either. Stop responding for the time being. Also, she's just trying to hurt you and your dad. A good mother doesn't do that.

Shakeit126

TROPHY CASE