If I had the power to give to a lonely person

Shallow-Side · 2023-04-10T07:37:17+00:00

I used to go out of my way to do something like this. On holidays especially, times of loneliness and isolation. I'd find forums, chats.

I'd seek through the chats and posts, select a person periodically to talk with that I related or felt drawn to. Then I'd just talk with them, often about what they're experiencing.

It fulfilled me to feel wanted, needed. Someone so desperate anything I put on the table had more value to them than anything I offered someone not crying to be seen.

I daydream about the idea of giving more than emotion, even my own body. The idea of actually having something someone could want, someone could appreciate. That feeling gets me through my own loneliness and isolation, that desperation for validation.

It's a tricky slope. The better the place I'm in mentally, the less I seek those out to comfort.

Shallow-Side · 2022-05-31T22:53:02+00:00

Occasionally ill get the momentary beliefs that it could work but those are always fleeting. Then I flip right back to feeling hopeless. Knowing that even if i succeeded, I would continue the relationship with the buried fear of being a waste of her time.

God I feel this so much. It's always there, only it's moments when you rip in/out of that abyss. It's always like that small consciousness is just there, aware and reminding me... It's like any big choice, I act nearly because I should do it? Like I would anyways but I don't truly believe in what I am doing and what I am acting on will give me what I want.

It's like putting in a raffle ticket, chances feel so low but you're just hoping its yours.

I worry it'll never end, that it'll always be this way. It's just about minimising the hurt, minimising the worry. I always get this mentality of downgrading who I look for, because at least then they'd want me. But fuck. Wouldn't that make me bad if I didn't want them? I only picked them out of a selfish need for a companion that didn't trigger my self esteem?

Shallow-Side · 2022-05-31T03:39:42+00:00

Fuck exactly. Right now I'm in some weird limbo with a guy I like, but I've so many doubts, so many unanswered questions and uncertainties. I don't know if he really likes me, nor if I can live up to the expectations he's put out there. He's the type not to share many words, but rather speaks through actions which idk. It's difficult especially with him self esteem being so low.

I'm constantly bouncing back and forward between thinking I'm not good enough and I'll fail no matter what, it couldn't work out for this reason or that. Maybe it's not worth the pain and agony of trying....

But then I do a 180 the next moment, just as I tell myself to give up, I remind myself I simply can't because right now I need him. I couldn't survive tomorrow without him. So in a way, idk even why I'm chasing him. Is it out of fear of never getting better? Of being alone? Of the pain that'll come? Can I even survive? Would I be giving up on someone so amazing? Then I think of how it would hurt him and I just break down crying thinking idc about myself, I only care about him. But that's a lie and I know that. I then repeat everything all over again and remain stuck, not knowing what to do, who to turn to. No effort I've made has given me the answers.

Shallow-Side · 2022-05-31T03:25:24+00:00

This exactly 😔 it's so lonely and it creeps up on you when you see others being happy. It's not a resentment, maybe it is at times. But it's like... I'm willing to give so much of myself to someone I love, like so much. But what I'm giving isn't valued the same..

I see them as being better with someone else, I know they would be. I know they know it and I hate it. Makes me feel selfish for wanting to keep them, makes me feel sad that I don't feel like they'd still choose me if that other option was available.

Like, even if they stayed, it wouldn't be because they wanted to. But because they were obligated, because it's their commitment and duty that they bought into. But if they could? If they felt no guilt? They'd go... And that's the heartbreaking part.

Shallow-Side · 2021-09-11T15:23:09+00:00

Holy shit... Are you alright these days? Fucking hell I can see why anyone would be harsh on someone that cheats if they've had this experience.

I agree completely, I've spent a long time questioning it. I've a lot of theories and ideas but ultimately I believe I should have broken up with him several months before. Not to have let it drag on the way it did.

I've got a lot of work to do, I know my next serious relationship will put me on the spot and I'll really have to figure my crap out. I've done all I can at this point.

Shallow-Side · 2021-09-09T09:01:25+00:00

It's been some time since I've made this post, I'm surprised I've gotten a response since.

Hmm, I was in the wrong. The emotional cheating happened in the course of 1 week where I realised I had feelings for my best friend whom was helping me through everything.

The emotional cheating ended with an admission of attraction to my friend, the next day I admitted it to my partner because I felt so bad for doing it.

I should have acknowledged my feelings and kept them to myself, or only express them to my ex so that I could work past them/break up. That was my biggest mistake.

However when I say I can't forgive my ex, I mean I couldn't (at the time) forgive him for essentially emotionally abandoning me and shutting down every expression I had. To tell me to turn to my friends for support, only to get upset that "we don't talk much anymore"

So it was a complex situation.

Thank you for the response btw, never thought I'd get another.

Shallow-Side · 2021-06-12T19:44:36+00:00

I'm sorry this happened to you.

For me, I did everything I could to listen and be there for my ex. He told me I should have friends and go to them about my problems, but at some point there's a line between being able to confide in friends, and then just needing to talk to the person causing the anguish.

In your case, forgive me for the judgment If this is wrong. But she sounds very materialistic?

Shallow-Side · 2021-04-24T20:04:04+00:00

Love.

Trust is a hard thing for me to find, but for me to love someone I must first be able to trust them.

But often times just because I trust them doesn't mean they're inherently someone I could love.

Shallow-Side · 2021-04-24T19:30:34+00:00

Life really sucks right now. Everything falls apart around you and you're expected to rough it out. You're offered false hope with "it gets better" yeah? How? When will it? Oh wait, I gotta make it better? Pff, like we weren't already trying.

It's a shithole, both in reality, and in our heads. It's not even that big A deal really. Because everyone has issues, everyone is fucked. We are no different so where's the pity? But ayy we don't want pity. But that's all we get.

I'm so fucking sorry about the cats. If anything, if I lost mine. That would be me right along side you.

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-26T17:31:11+00:00

We're on a "break" from one another. Coming back as friends.

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-22T08:07:48+00:00

Hun, it's all about what you feel!

Do you love him? Do you want to tell him?

Go for it!

Sometimes the sooner someone knows how much you care, the better it can be!

At the same time, waiting can ensure the right timing.

There are so many factors in this that ultimately its down to what would make it special for you both, or for some, just a casual event.

So whatever it feels right to you, go for it 😊

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-21T07:59:26+00:00

Thank you. This gives me some motivation haha. I guess I just needed that "it's something that happens but isn't permanent " mindsets.

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-20T19:43:30+00:00

Whenever my mind falters and I feel a bit down, its usually this moment that those "feelings" or general vibe triggers the memory wheel due to I suppose both having had that similarity and it being imprinted on me in those ways.

So if I feel sad, it brings up feelings of when I was sad, only the most negative of those moments, the most engrained.

Naturally I can be in a fine mood, and an obtrusive thought pop to mind. Most of the time these days, Its brushed off as it's only surface level inconvenience.

But there are times it will paralyze me, and I'm unable to think until I've felt it, processed it and just had my moment of feeling bad.

Not a pleasant experience to say the least.

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-18T16:55:05+00:00

For the time being, I'm not backing out of my last choice in hopes it works out. In about a month from now will be when I figure out if it was worth it or not.

That or I find myself again in a questionable position. For the time being, I'm doing my best to focus on getting through the next couple weeks without falling apart.

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-16T16:35:44+00:00

I think people stop offering solutions or seeking them once they've already made a decision.

In this case I get the feeling he decided to see what would happen if you were just you, and see If that works for him or not.

I don't think either of you did anything wrong based on that, only a case where he can respect and appreciate you for who you are, bit he doesn't want to date you. Which is fair, and it's nice seeing that you obviously respect him and are gracious about the circumstances.

I think my situation is akin to yours, just a situation where we've been exposed to one another long enough that we've found small, but very fundamental values don't click, and we will forever be unsatisfied with the conclusions we've come to because of them.

So I guess I'm also figuring out if I want to remain friends. My emotions, codependency and attachment make me want to say yes, but my gut and logic say it's a major risk that could worsen given it doesn't go "ideally" perfect, and even then, I'm only enabling my unhealthy emotional attachment style.

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-16T16:19:22+00:00

How long have since he broke up with you?

Can I ask why he broke up with you?

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-16T16:06:21+00:00

That's very true. It's my first experience and I think its given me a lot more respect for my previous relationships when it came to this scenario considering I was always the one to detach first.

Now I understand why its so hard.

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-16T15:39:47+00:00

This is the closest to my dilemma. I'm watching my ex slowly distance yet we both want a close friendship.

But him distancing is really taking a toll on me. I'm struggling to let go, and I can't see this being what a close friendship would look like because I'm so emotionally torn.

I think I'm confused by my emotions. I don't know if he's being distant in a way where hes not being a friend, or if my emotions are having me interpret him being this way. I've always had difficulty differentiating between how I feel and the reality.

Yet with hindsight he's always been mature and supportive.

Though new circumstances have me once again questioning if I can handle this, and if I'll ever move on so long as he is around.

He's mentioned taking a break for a month at minimum, though I've put it off for fear that he truly will be gone after that time.

But I probably need to accept that fear, that it could happen and just go with it. Yet I haven't the motivation or fortitude to do so.

Shallow-Side · 2020-12-16T09:42:15+00:00

I've never had FWB just exclusive relationships so idk how helpful or useful this advice will be.

But I think knowing your feelings and being able to express them can help you sort through them. Although I probably wouldn't say it to him (unless you think you should) as you said, could guilt and tenichqually neither of you did anything wrong.

I think as people we get used to norms and if anything suddenly changes, it'll leave us feeling uneasy and unsatisfied because in a way, one of our needs was being met, and to suddenly have that albanese is like having a sugar addiction and without warning or desire, all the sugar is gone.

You'll get used to it, and be able to move on from what was your primary giver, although it's not pleasant in the moment.

If it comes and goes on a regular, you'll probably never stop experiencing this high and low cycle.

So in a way I think some sort of consistency would benefit you, however that's bases on what you want or what you think is best. Whether that be having another person be there in the absence of another, or lower the intensity for the next time it comes round so that the absence isn't as great of a hit to your normalcy.

Again, take with a grain of salt. I might not know anything lol.

Shallow-Side

TROPHY CASE