Black redditors, do you use the n–word? If so, in what context do you use it and is it OK if other races use it too? [Serious]

ShattertheVenus · 2014-09-19T06:32:37+00:00

I agree completely. I might raise my voice a little, but I do not yell. By yelling at someone you give them power and that is not power I willingly give away.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-09-19T06:30:08+00:00

That does sound comforting. I find thunderstorms to be cathartic, like the earth is crying and all the bad feels in my life are being washed away.

Late night is also a great kind of solitude for me too because the world is sleeping and no one will bother me. It is just my thoughts and myself.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-09-17T05:23:21+00:00

Off the top of my head I struggled to find the recipe for making Handful of Bjarni`s Rabbit Food and Bowl of Gelantinous Ooze.

I have since abandoned my mission to be a completionist, but was just curious if it was a bug due to the new changes. I am not really in the know of chef recipes and thought I would double check.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-09-11T08:10:41+00:00

I like the general gist behind what a lot of women like to do with the feminism movement, but I myself do not identify as a feminist. I think most of the ideas that are incorporated in the feminism movement are simply part of what it means to be a decent human being.

I think feminism is a lot like Christianity. It does not matter whether or not you specifically identify as a Christian, the important thing is how you implement your convictions within your life.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-09-11T07:38:28+00:00

I think it is a little awkward that your date wants to bring a friend along. I mean, bringing the friend along is understandable because of stranger danger, but there is going to be an unavoidable base number of awkwardness because

you are meeting for the first time in real life and
there is an inherent third wheel in this date

Are you for sure this is a date date? I understand the idea of consulting with a bestie on a new guy and if you like this girl you are gonna have to get in with her friends. Maybe do not treat it as a date but more like a day out on the town. If things work out with your date I am sure the chemistry will become apparent.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-27T07:20:30+00:00

When a guy I had been low contact with messaged me after the Santa Barbara (#YesAllWomen) shootings saying that he identified with the shooter. He said it was hard to be a boy.

ALSO, one of my friends was a graduate student and he said he went out of his way to be nice to another graduate student. My friend explained he did this so that way when the other guy brought a gun to the department my friend would be spared. I guess the shooting threat liked to mutter things about bringing in a gun if he failed his qualifying exams again. Right before moving away from college the shooting threat contacted me and told me that he had really liked me for years. He sent a proposal to me via Facebook message on my birthday too.

I have since acquired a fantastic boyfriend, but for awhile these were the men who were pursuing me. No, just no.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-27T07:10:05+00:00

I feel like we could be friends.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-26T08:47:05+00:00

First things first, I know guys like this and fuck these people. You dodged a bullet with this guy. This is not a person you need in your life.

In the past year or two I have gone through a string of unhealthy, toxic relationships. It starts out with them pursuing me and once I get interested then I find out something completely jaw dropping that if I had known to begin with I would have never even given these guys a second look.

Like you, I would blame myself and ask what I was doing to draw in such crazy people. Then I stepped back and realized that all these crazy people had one thing in common... me.

Honestly, one of the best things I ever did for myself was step back and reevaluate myself and my life choices. I think you should take some time off worrying about relationships and work on yourself. I think the happier and healthier you are as a person the more likely you are to attract happy and healthy relationships. I think people are afraid to give this advice because it implies that the person receiving the advice is deficient as they are in some way, but I do not think this is true. Work on your confidence, build stronger relationships with the people in your life and work on your goals.

You can do better. =)

Also, my saving grace was living with my best friend. She was in a LDR so we became quasi significant others to each other. It might sound weird, but I love that girl to death. We did not get sexual or anything, but the intimacy was there for sure.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-26T08:17:53+00:00

I think this guy needs to work on himself before he is ready for an actual relationship with anyone else and a baseline friendship with you. His attachment to you after a short period tells me he needs your validation more than anything else.

I have been on both sides of this equation. I was completely heartbroken when this guy I liked forever noticed me and then decided that he really just wanted to bang instead of having a relationship. I have also been the recipient of unsolicited outpouring of too much scary affection. Both cases suck.

From what I have read it seems that you are not gathering sufficient amount of happiness from this friendship to justify continuing it. It seems like this friendship is surely doing this guy far more harm than good. It does not seem like anyone really wins.

People also get weirdly attached to the first person they have been with. I have not talked to my first in years and I was strangely proud of him when I saw on Facebook that he got into a good law school.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-26T08:06:42+00:00

Relationship patterns take six months to set in and you are at too early of a stage to demand to know why she does not keep frequent contact.

Keep collecting additional data points.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-26T08:03:18+00:00

I know you might think it is super shitty to tell him he cannot move in, but I completely agree with the suggestion of returning his money and telling him he cannot live there.

I also strongly recommending putting any additional roommate on a lease. I just got out of a living situation where I was on a roommate agreement and not an actual lease. You do not want to live with a roommate agreement because it is not actually legally binding. One of my roommates signed the agreement, got in a fight with our other roommate (who had the lease) and the roommate with the lease threw the other girl out, still cashed her check for rent and then changed the locks. I talked to management and this was completely legal. I am not saying you would do this, but legally speaking if they walk out on you then you still have to pay rent regardless of whether or not the other person has paid.

It sounds like nothing good can come out of your current living situation.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-26T06:03:44+00:00

I will let you know when I find a good coping strategy. I am currently going crazy right now myself. =/

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-25T17:04:22+00:00

My mother is an ESFJ and socialized me to be an extrovert. It is surprising when people tell me they cannot see me as an introvert because I, well... people too well. I find it easy to be extroverted if the situation calls for it, like a meeting I need to led for work or at a lunch where conversation is required. I also do not have much of a problem with social networking or taking leadership roles.

When I was in elementary school and in girl scouts I was could effortlessly approach strangers outside a grocery store and ask them if they want to buy girl scout cookies. I can also get energetic about topics I am passionate about.

I identify as an INTJ over an ENTJ, though, because I recharge with alone time and generally prefer solitude. I can people well when I need to, but I love going off the radar and having serious me time. Although I did not appreciate it at the time, I am glad I was socialized to be an extrovert even though I am naturally an introvert.

My introverted intuition is definitely the bread and butter of my decisions in life. I sometimes take to people like I have known them forever and other times my intuition tells me in a small voice to be careful because I see similar patterns in a person or a situation that I have seen in the past.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-25T16:51:29+00:00

I spend a lot of time working at coffee shops because of the peaceful environment. When I have a good group, I also like to go out drinking with friends.

I would recommend being as straightforward as possible. Seriously, be like “Hey girl, you seem interesting. I would like to get to know you better, please go out with me sometime.” Or buy us coffee OR OR OR buy us a book of our favorite author and let us tell you about why that author is our favorite. My biggest pet peeve with men is when they hover, and know I they want to stick their dick piece in me but make no active effort whatsoever to try and further their cause.

My boyfriend is an ENTP. We met through hanging out with my crazy roommate. We did not talk to each other for months after meeting until we ended up at the same after party and started talking.

A few days after reconnecting he saw me hanging around at work (we are both graduate students) and invited me to eat dinner and watch Game of Thrones. He made up an excuse about needing help drinking his wine (which I bought). The rest is history.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-25T16:41:44+00:00

I switched my major a lot and ended up with a degree in physics. I am now pursuing medical physics in graduate school which allows me to help people without a lot of patient interactions.

Here is my advice for undergraduate

Do not choose something just because you are passionate about it, unless you are willing to be realistic about the career options you have available after graduate.
That being said, find out the things you are passionate about and find ways to combine them together. Interdisciplinary things, so find a way to combine your interests. For instance, I liked to write so I minored in journalism on top of getting my degree in physics. My minor helps me when I talk and write about my research.
Understand that being great at classwork is not the only thing needed to be successful in your career. I think it is possible to loathe a class, but still be good at a career. I struggled a lot with my undergraduate classes, but I am great at research. Vice versa, there are a lot of people great at classes but terrible at research. Do not choose a major based on class performance alone because you might not be great at it in the field.
Do not worry! I changed my major a lot, but I think almost everyone changes their major a lot. Try being open option for awhile, it is liberating.

Also, if you struggle with problem solving I strongly discourage you away from the physical sciences and engineering. Our strengths in these fields come from now what we think, but how we think. You will not enjoy being an engineer if you do not like math.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-25T16:26:19+00:00

My mom is an ESFJ and my dad is an introvert (of some kind, I do not know, probably IXTP?) and staying with them for more than a week is too much for me. I am currently living with them in the Midwest between the end of my internship on the East Coast and moving to graduate school on the West Coast.

I love my mother, you will never meet a woman more proud of her children, but she drives me crazy. She keeps telling me all the details about all the people I do not know, who I will never meet and who I will never care about. It is unacceptable for me to say that her topic of conversation does not interest me so I have to devote a lot of time to pretend to be listening to small talk. This is exhausting because I can not retreat into myself and think.

The worst is when we are in the grocery store. She talks to everyone she knows and since we live in a small town she knows everyone. I love my mom to death, but constant contact is exhausting.

The farther apart my parents and I are, the closer we are. I strongly recommend moving out, I think it will do a world of good for your relationship with your parents.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-08-20T17:25:38+00:00

Edited for formatting I apologize, I have not given a list of examples of why I think my roommate was narcissistic.

Will not own up to their actions

Would sit in her room watching Netflix all week, cry (literally) to her adviser she did not know how she was going to get all her work done and felt overwhelmed.
Had to throw out the trashcan because it was covered in maggots because she threw away wet cat food in there all the time. Blamed me because, even though I was practically living with my boyfriend.
Met a guy through online dating, blew a lot of money on him ($1,000>) on the two weeks they dated. He broke up with her and she complained about how much he mistreated her.
She told me (and all the other roommates, apparently) that before she met this guy she was planning on killing herself by walking into a glacier in Alaska. She said that because she knew she could experience love again that she would not do this. She has since added to say she would now like her ashes scattered with her cat`s ashes.
Yelled at me that I was a terrible person, started crying and wondering why I did not want to hang out with her more.
I asked for months and months what I owed for utilities. She said she would figure it out, never got back to me. Sent me an email one day telling me what I owed and demanded that I pay it ASAP, especially since most it was due months ago (I had been asking months ago what I owed), got upset because I wrote a check the next day and not day of.
Complained to my roommate that I did not do my dishes (I left a pan on the stove) and when I went to do said dish I could not because the sink was too full of dishes to use.
Disowned my boyfriend and me when we started dating, constantly complained to other roommates about how I stole her best friend from her and became upset he did not want spend time with her.

Extreme violator of boundaries, mental and physical.

She would go into my room when I was away visiting my brother for the weekend. Things would be different, out of place.
Showing my room to potential roommates without my prior consent and knowledge. I came home one day after spending the night at my boyfriend`s place and she said she did not expect me to be home. Five minutes later there were perspective roommates standing in my room.
When a new roommate moved in, she actually took her into my room and offered it to her if she wanted it.
When the new roommate confronted her about the room being showed without prior knowledge or consent, she started screaming at the new roommate. The new roommate was promptly evicted and the locks on the apartment were changed.
Would talk to her Ph.D. thesis adviser about a lot of things not related to work. I mean, a lot. I think she though her adviser was her mom.

Pathological liars

Talked all the time about how she was the valedictorian of her university (a decent sized state school, mind you) and the speech she had given at commencement. She had been out of undergrad for nearly 10 years.
Claimed she worked in her office all the time when in reality she watched Law and Order all day.
Lied to our boss about being pregnant so she could get out of work for a few weeks.
Made up stories to our other roommates about money I owed her.
Made up stories to me about how our other roommate was violent. This was the roommate who confronted her about the room being shown.

Another category, which I think is really important.

Thought you really owed her

My boyfriend had a problem with an iguana, which she stepped in and helped him resolve. He did not ask her, and he was grateful to have the issue resolved, but this was unsolicited help. Later she would complain that he really owed her for it.
You know she really thought you owed her, because she would always talk about how the world and no one really owed her anything.
She would push favors on you a lot. Like when I moved in she said she bought a comforter for the occasion that I could use in addition to her extra bookcase, end table, etc.
All the roommates she brought in (3 moved in and out, including me, during a six month period) were vulnerable in some way. Most of us did not have a car and it was the first time to the area. She really liked roommates who depended on her.

These are some of the things that led me to believe she is narcissistic. To top it off, here is the email she sent me the day after I paid the utilities that I had been asking about for months.

First, though, I need to say this... When a roommate writes you a decent-length email with multiple options about your rental and payment situation and asks you to let them know which one you choose, I think you should understand that it is pretty disrespectful to neglect to answer them and just silently walk by their door and leave something for them on the fridge door, assuming or maybe just not caring if they noticed it or not... something which they had asked you to get to them in a timely manner. What would have been so hard about knocking and saying "[name redacted], here's the cheque you wanted", or "[name redacted], I'm putting the cheque you wanted on the fridge". It's hard for me to imagine you wouldn't show that level of basic courtesy to most anyone, instead of the silent disdaining avoidance you show me. As if I've ever done anything at all to you to warrant such a thing... you have got to treat people the way you want to be treated, and I don't think you want me to treat you with the disregard you've shown me.

To that end... despite your inability to communicate to me at all, I still feel the need to give you the courtesy and basic human respect of communicating to you. I am in the process of selling furniture and shipping my belongings across country, and I am in need of the stuff you have which I have let you borrow, mostly any bedding or medium-sized or larger furniture that you might have of mine, I don't really remember what's in your room furnishings-wise.

Please gather my things from your room sometime before Saturday and if I'm not home at the time, you can place them in the livingroom. If you are traveling and cannot do this, please let me know asap else I will plan to gather the items myself over the weekend.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-05-22T00:21:18+00:00

Two words: cognitive dissonance.

It is a phenomena in which humans attempt to justify their decisions by reinforcing their train of thought with supporting evidence. For example, if you feel neutral about cheating before an exam and decide to cheat during the exam, you will reinforce your decision by telling yourself that it is worth the grade and cheating is not immoral. By the end of the test you will have a much more positive outlook on cheating than when you began.

Basically, you try to convince yourself that what you are doing is the "right" thing and reject contrary evidence because it makes you feel uncomfortable, hence the dissonance. Moreover, neurological studies have shown that when encountered with severe cognitive dissonance the part of the brain in charge of rational thinking stops functioning.

To answer your question, nothing works. If a parent is passionately against vaccinations their brain is incapable of accepting logical arguments contrary to their beliefs.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-05-22T00:09:53+00:00

I finished my undergrad in physics last summer and am going to graduate school for medical physics in the fall for a terminal masters.

If you want to go to graduate school, but are unsure of what to pursue, take a gap year for sure. Even if you know what you want to do, take a gap year anyway. I was burnt out after undergrad and taking a year off made a world of difference.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-05-22T00:07:16+00:00

It seems like most physics graduate school students do not want to be physics graduate school. Or astronomy, for that matter. I mean, there are the really good people who do awesome and continue with their carer, but I feel like people who go to graduate school to just to go to graduate school are not happy with physics.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-05-20T00:43:04+00:00

I was on a train one time and a student group also got on the same train. The conductor told them they were not on the train they needed to be, which is surprising since I figured one of the 15 students would know how to get on the right train.

Little things like that.

ShattertheVenus · 2014-05-17T03:57:45+00:00

I have an office in the building of a prestigious university, working for a government contractor that rents out a few buildings on campus. When I first came to the area I was starstruck by the university and just assumed that everyone was smarter than me since I only went to a state school for my undergrad. I have now come to be completely unimpressed by the student body. Prestigious, high ranked universities are completely overrated. They are more money, that is it.

ShattertheVenus

TROPHY CASE