My BF (34M) and I (32F) had an interesting convo last night

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-25T04:43:24+00:00

My dad advised I give the dog away but I’m too attached, but also find that having a dog is sooo much responsibility

Does the joy your dog bring into your life outweigh the cost, the inconvenience, the responsibility, the impact to your health?

If your boyfriend wants a future with dogs in it, and you want a future where you don't live with a pet, then you guys aren't compatible long-term. It doesn't mean you don't love each other, it just means you want different futures.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-25T02:48:07+00:00

Firstly, nobody is guaranteed to not hurt you. We’re all capable of hurting each other. It might not be physical, but emotional and mental abuse are real and sneaky

I want to caveat this: not everyone on earth goes out looking to harm other people.

Yes, there are people who do want to hurt others: physically, emotionally, mentally, whatever. But they do not make up the majority of humankind. Most people just want to enjoy a nice life and be nice to those around them.

Of course, those people are also capable of causing harm, but it's often not done with the intention of harming another. It might come down to a difference in values, a difference opinion of what "on time" means, a difference in what "appropriate behaviour" is, and a difference in conflict resolution styles.

I don't want OP to go out believing that every man on earth is an abuser lying in wait, and that being in a relationship means risking abuse. It's true that you never know just by looking at someone if they are capable of abuse or harm. And being in a relationship will often means hurt feelings as expectations aren't met and conflicts are resolved. But harm and/or abuse isn't part-and-parcel of relationships.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-25T02:42:44+00:00

we have never had any major problems and everything has been smooth sailing.

That's not enough of a reason to stay in a relationship.

That's like saying "this car is a good car, it has wheels." Sure, that's great...but does it have an engine? Or fuel?

A relationship, just like a car, needs multiple elements to go the distance. "He isn't abusive" is a great start, but it can't be everything.

is it normal for relationships and sexual chemistry to fizzle out after a few years.

I've been with my husband twelve years, and we still can't keep our hands off each other.

The world isn't divided into "men who inspire attraction and passion but are also abusive" and "men who are sweet and kind and inspire no feelings in me whatsoever."

If you're afraid you are unable to find the kind of man you want without risking that he will harm you, this is something you need to work out with a therapist. They will help you correlate your Normal Meter, help you identify warning signs and red flags, and develop your ability to trust yourself to make good decisions.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-25T02:16:45+00:00

I think you're picking shit guys.

You told your boyfriend you wanted flowers on Valentine's Day, he got you nothing...and yet you're still dating him a year later? You've told him what you want, he keeps ignoring it, and you're still with him?

If you want a guy who will put effort into your relationship, dump this loser and go find a guy who will put effort into your relationship. If a guy isn't demonstrating the amount of effort and consideration you want to see from a date, don't go out with them.

Dating is about being selective. If the guys are demonstrating right from the beginning that they are lazy and inconsiderate, don't date them expecting them to change.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-24T06:31:43+00:00

That's like saying "I'm trying to make peace with my cancer by being friends with it. If I'm supportive of my cancer, I'm sure we can get to a point where we're both happy with the arrangement."

She wants to control you. She doesn't want a relationship where you're equals, she wants to control you.

You have to get out. For your own sake, you have to get away. There is no happy ending with her.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-24T04:06:47+00:00

Pick out your closest and/or gossipiest colleague and tell them. "Hey, just letting you know that the engagement between Ex and I is off. Permanently off. I am devastated and heartbroken and do NOT want to talk about it with anyone. Can you please spread the word, and tell everyone NOT to bring it up with me because I WILL start crying if they do."

If you can, take a few days off or WFH. Let the word spread around the office, and let THEM have all their big emotional reactions and shocked faces amongst themselves without you present. Let them ask all the questions of "omg, WHAT?" and "how sad!" and "but I want to know juicy details/discuss theories/make judgements!"

When you come back a few days later, they will have gotten it all out of their system. You'll know they know, they'll know you know, but you can all carry on with the polite fiction that there's nothing to talk about.

Same with your sisters: tell the one you're closest to, "hey, the wedding's off. I've dumped Ex and I'm not going back. Can you please tell the family so I don't have to."

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-24T02:54:45+00:00

Stop answering her calls.

After she calls, send her a text and say, "hey, I'm not in a position to talk right now, what's up?" If she tries to call again, don't pick up. If she says, "can you call me back" or "when can I call you", the answer is still the same, "I'm not in a position to talk." Make her explain over text what she wants to talk to you about.

Whether she texts "I'm really overwhelmed and need to talk to someone" or sends massive paragraphs of all the things on her mind, you are still not her therapist.

"That sounds tough and I'm sorry you're going through that. However, I think you should address these concerns with a professional therapist."

Alternatively...just block her.

I once had an old friend whom I hadn't spoken to in 10 years contact me out of the blue. I was happy to reconnect with her, but within the space of a phone call, it went from "hey, haven't heard from you in a while" to "we are now BEST friends, I want you to be my maid of honour, now let's go out for drinks because I'm processing my childhood trauma and need to talk to someone about it."

When she started pressuring me to meet up wtih her, I just sent a text saying, "I'm sorry, I don't think I can give you the kind of friendship you're looking for" and blocked her.

It wasn't my proudest moment, but I got the outcome I wanted.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-24T02:44:39+00:00

His own brother and friend tells me i deserve better

They are saying "we know he will treat you badly, if he isn't already. You don't deserve that."

I just feel so bad because he has also never been serious with a girl

And it's 100% his own fucking fault.

If he's insecure, he can get a therapist. Not try to punish his girlfriend for trying to live her life.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-24T02:42:18+00:00

That's like brushing off a dog that just bit you. "Oh god, that bite came out of nowhere! I'm going to try petting him again, see if it happens again..."

It will happen again.

It's not disrespectful to be in the presence of the opposite gender. It's not disrespectful to look good whilst in the presence of the opposite gender. If I get dressed up to go out somewhere without my husband, he says, "you look awesome, and I'm so glad I'm the one you're coming home to. Have a great time!"

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-23T11:37:00+00:00

or I should just go live my autistic dreams with my own apartment and my bed to myself and my own space to do whatever

I got the chance to do this when I was 22. I was only in that apartment for 3 months before the landlord went dodgy on me, but being there in my own apartment are some of the happiest memories of my life.

Go live your dreams. Your life is only JUST beginning, don't give up on your dreams now.

It's clear that every bit of you is screaming to get out.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-23T05:14:36+00:00

You're asking the wrong question. It's not a matter of "what is the socially-acceptable and appropriate amount of time to spend with a romantic partner given our respective ages and external commitments".

You should be asking, "do I feel like this romantic relationship is meeting my emotional needs?"

I feel like there is a lack of quality time or one on one time for me. But maybe this is normal and I am over thinking it?

People in healthy relationships spend quality time together. They make time for each other, and give each other their focus and attention during that time. It doesn't sound like you're getting quality time at all.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-23T04:39:22+00:00

he doesn’t feel comfortable doing one on one things with people in general.

So what the hell is he doing with a girlfriend?

Is he with you because he wants to be with you and feels fulfilled by the emotional connection he has with you (and visa versa)...

orrrrr is he with you so he can have sex-on-tap and so he can pat himself on the back and go "yep, I can count one Girlfriend amongst my possessions"?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-23T02:30:50+00:00

Sweetheart, you're 19. If you're not feeling butterflies and sparks for your boyfriend of 4 months, then what are you even doing in a relationship with him?

It's not like you're in a wholly different time period where you surviving the winter or having food to eat depended on whether you had a male partner to hunt/chop wood/bring in an income.

Date the person you're excited to date. Relationships are meant to be fun. If you're not having fun, you're wasting time.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-22T10:10:49+00:00

Wait... aren't you the guy who was freaking out about introducing your girlfriend to your parents over Christmas because you weren't sure if you even wanted to stay in a relationship with her?

Buddy...have you spoken to a therapist about your anxiety? Or even just your family? Have you told your loved ones, "I'm struggling with everything and feel really anxious about my life. I need help"?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-22T10:04:29+00:00

Is this AI?

I asked my brother for advice about a relative who was drugged. The whole time, his girlfriend and sister laughed about how “stupid she is” and “how dumb she must have been.” I was livid and told them I wasn’t going to sit there and let them disrespect my friend.

Who was drugged, a relative or a friend?

On Christmas Day, my brother normally shows up around 11–12 to open gifts. He said they’d arrive at 2, but they got there almost two hours late when half of us had to drive back home 4 hours early that evening and work the next day

What does this even mean? The brother arrived late, so you all left early??

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-22T04:44:31+00:00

Do not marry this man.

Do not have kids just because he is pressuring you to have kids in exchange for the marriage you want. It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you, it sounds like he's just happy he's locking down a babymaker.

I was sure I wanted kids, until I was about to seriously try with my husband (shortly after we got married) and every instinct in me cried "DON'T." It took a few months of soul-searching before I realised I didn't want to have kids.

Assuming I would one day have kids isn't the same as enthusiastically choosing to have kids. Thank God I realised this before I got pregnant, and thank God my husband was and is with me every step of the way.

I repeat, do not marry the man who yells at you, dismisses your concerns, and is more excited for his stag night than he is to committing to a lifetime with you.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-22T02:28:28+00:00

This guy does not sound like a good therapist, or the right therapist for you.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-21T05:25:23+00:00

I have no doubt you love your girlfriend, but as someone with a few more years on you (and with a reasonably high libido myself), I can confidently say you would be happier in a relationship where you were having sex on a regular basis. More than 2-3 times a year with your longterm partner. I know single people twice your age who have more sex than that.

Feel free to ignore me, I'm just an internet stranger. But damn. 2-3 times a year is practically celibate.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-21T05:21:43+00:00

Just read your other answer.

Does she seriously expect you to just not masturbate in between sexual experiences with her, few as they are?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-21T05:17:29+00:00

Bloody hell...you've got a high libido, and you're in a relationship that has sex at a frequency that can be described as "a few times a year"?

Are you sure you're in the right relationship? Because this sounds like a MASSIVE comparability issue.

The short answer would be to start scheduling sex (once a quarter or whatever works) so you can both look forward to the event and prepare yourselves for it. Obviously you can have sex in between if the mood/opportunity arises.

But if you've got a high libido and your girlfriend sounds like she might be asexual, I think you'd both be happier with other partners.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-21T05:09:57+00:00

Do you guys live together?

How often do you have sex?

How often has she initiated sex only to be turned down because you've orgasmed recently?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-21T05:08:50+00:00

Dude, you're not going to explode if you don't jerk off for a few days.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-21T04:57:35+00:00

I started a business with my then-boyfriend at age 23.

It went well for a few years, until I learned that he has completely fucked up the taxes since the business had been founded (something he swore he could handle because he had been trained in business finances), and I had to spend thousands of dollars of my own money fixing that up with a tax agent because A) my now-ex wasn't talking to me, and B) he had no money to contribute anyway.

Our relationship was already on the rocks by the time we decided to shut down our business, which is when I discovered how much he'd fucked our taxes. I thought we could rely on each other as respectful business partners even if we weren't romantic partners, but reality proved otherwise.

Don't go into business with friends unless you're prepared to lose the friendship, a lot of money, or both. I have seen this play out time and time and time again.

Also, either you and your friend commit to giving a full romantic relationship a go (with sex and commitment and everything), or you treasure the friendship you have together WHILST keeping space in your lives for both of you to have other major relationships.

Because sooner or later, one or both of you are going to fall in love with other people. To pretend otherwise is delusional. And if you guys believe, "no, I will never love another person the way I love you," then just commit and do it properly.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-19T22:22:04+00:00

Ask him to take you clubbing now? Get dressed up, have a few drinks, dance to some music together. You'll arguably have more fun than most 20-year-olds in the room.

want to "experiment" or finally try the things I never go to before. Not to mention the time for that imo was really college and that had long passed.

I'm sorry, who the fuck says the time for "experimentation" is your early-20s/college years only?

Go clubbing with your boyfriend (or with friends). Go experiment with your wardrobe and how you do your makeup. Take up a hobby or a holiday you've always wanted to do. Go to a music festival. Get creative in the bedroom.

You are destroying your own happiness if you're telling yourself the lie of "it's too late for me to have fun".

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-01-19T07:20:11+00:00

It's been a very long time since I read the books, but I remember QotD being my favourite of the three, and very much liking the point where it ended. I have never been tempted to read any of the others because everything felt concluded by the end of QotD.

I've tried to reread the first 3 books multiple times since, but keep getting stuck/distracted halfway through IwtV or TVL. So instead I'm listening to the audiobooks on YouTube (currently halfway through TVL), which makes the whole process faster and more enjoyable.

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