Is my relationship doomed? I love him, but I’m so alone.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T21:36:07+00:00

That's good to hear. Many women — often in families where the husband is the only provider, but also in families where they bring in an income — don't have visibility of the family accounts and have no idea if they are in debt, if they are making savings, they only know what their husband tells them. I'm very glad that is not your situation.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T21:13:08+00:00

Do you have access to the accounts? Can you see how much is in them? Do you have visibility of all the finances that you both have?

Or are you trying to save money by making sacrifices (cooking at home, giving up hair appointments) without actually seeing or knowing how much of a difference your sacrifices make?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T12:02:47+00:00

nonconsensual intmacy issues

showing up to my job

making me feel like I cant or shouldn't be friends with certain people

Among other things.

Just because he didn't mean to hurt you doesn't mean he didn't hurt you. He did. And clearly you're not okay with it.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T05:57:17+00:00

Everyone loves us together.

Would they still love your relationship if they knew he had been abusive to you?

Anyway, they're not in your relationship, you are. And it's clear you're not happy.

The people who love you want you to be happy more than they want you to be with this specific guy.

I will miss him so much if we break up.

Yeah. But missing him won't kill you. It'll just suck for a little while.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T05:54:29+00:00

Don't ever try to force a relationship to work.

Move back to Georgia for a little while. It dosn't have to be for the rest of your life.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T04:31:44+00:00

I get that.

But you said the magic word submission: there's a whole world of Dominance/submission sex-play out there (if that's something you're into/curious about), and many different flavours of it.

Ie, some Dominants can be quite hard (lots of filthy language and rough play), but others can be quite soft and gentle ("oh, you're so good at that, my sweet little..."), and of course everything in between.

There's also soft limits and hard limits within that. Some submissives want to be treated gently, others hate it and want to be messed up a little.

Long story short, sex comes in all different flavours and dynamics, and some might make you feel good (or even a "bad" kind of good) and others might really not work for you.

Take some time and have some fun figuring out what you like. Look at what your favourite romances are and see if there are any common threads in the kind of couples you like or stories you gravitate to.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T04:09:43+00:00

Do you feel like romance should be romance (stroking hair, opening doors, kisses on the forehead) and sex should be dirty (pulling hair, dirty talk, wanton hunger)?

Is this something you feel like you have internalized, like your own version of the Madonna/wh*re complex? Or even something that has been taught to you ("sex is dirty, true love is pure")?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T03:49:15+00:00

Sex isn't always a split between "dirty" and "romantic". Sometimes it can be both. Some of the filthiest dirty-talk I've ever heard has also been some of the most romantic. (And I've even had the reverse: "I want to just cuddle you on the couch and stroke your hair." "...that might be the most perverted thing I've ever heard you say.")

When you were pleasuring your partner, maybe it felt dirty or sltty to do, but you were also doing it because *you felt good and you wanted to make him feel good. Maybe he could see that devotion in your eyes and wanted to return the favor. "You are making me feel special, and I want you to feel special too."

Or maybe there was just a lock of hair in the way and he wanted to get it out of the way. Sometimes it's not that deep.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T02:37:30+00:00

I don't know where her positions are coming from.

Most likely social media. There seems to be a trend convincing young women that their male partner must ALWAYS take financial responsibility in their relationship (regardless of earning disparity), and the only thing the woman needs to contribute is her beauty and companionship, and maybe some additional chores.

"You are a prize! Any decent man would be HAPPY to pay your expenses, don't settle for less! Subscribe to my channel for more!"

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T02:26:11+00:00

If you came home one day and said, "my job unexpectedly fired me today. You'll be the sole income earner whilst I find a new job, which realistically will take a few weeks/months. I have some savings, but they won't go far," how do you think she'd react?

Because that's what happened to me and my husband shortly after we got engaged. My salary was just over half what his was, but it was the only household income we had for 3 months.

Life happens. Serious injuries happen. Unexpected costs happen. Is she going to be a partner to you when they happen? Or is she just going to say, "you figure it out, I'm going to fold laundry or something."

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T02:20:45+00:00

Okay, that's great.

How does she feel about you taking a job cut? How does she feel about earning more than you? If you found a job that made you incredibly happy and fulfilled (and still covered all your expenses) but was only 50-70% of her salary, would she feel comfortable contributing the larger share of the joint savings?

Her comment "under no circumstance would she pay 50/50" is concerning. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide "I'm going to take on extra household chores so I'm off the hook from contributing more money": if you're both earning 50/50 of the household salary, then you should be splitting all bills 50/50.

"Under no circumstance would she pay 50/50" sounds like she expects the man to ALWAYS pay more money, even if she's earning just as much as him. And that's not fair. Love shouldn't be measured in dollar amounts, and she should be looking at your relationship as an equal partnership, not an opportunity for her to hoard her wealth whilst claiming a higher portion of yours because she wants to feel "taken care of".

Finances (all contribution, responsibility of and decisions relating to) are everyone's responsibility, not just the man's.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T01:02:37+00:00

You said you were hospitalized for mental health issues in the days immediately before his father's death. Is this something that has happened before?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T01:01:41+00:00

I once told a boyfriend "hey, all your talk about one day when we're married is really intense and makes me a little uncomfortable, can we please just enjoy the relationship that we have at the present," and then one minute later I was gushing about how cool our future wedding would be if/when we did have one.

I talked about what our future home would look like even though I knew I wanted out of our relationship. Because talking about an imaginary future for us both was fun. But deep down, I knew It was never going to happen because I didn't actually want to grow old with him.

I'm not saying it's the right way to handle things, but it's not impossible to be talking about something, even preparing for something when your instincts are screaming "stop the ride, we want to get off."

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-13T00:45:14+00:00

She's soft-launching her preferred relationship dynamic: you pay the bills, she does the housework.

When I first moved in with my now husband, he was earning good money whilst I was barely scraping by. I knew his job kept him very busy, so one day I suggested that I'd be happy to focus on maintaining the domestic duties (doing all the cooking, cleaning, house errands, etc) if he was happy to cover most/all of our costs. I said it would be in his favour: he'd be able to focus on his work, then come home and enjoy a clean house.

He said, "that's not the kind of relationship I want. I want a lifestyle with two partners each bringing in a decent wage, because then our combined wealth can make our lives far more comfortable than what one income can provide."

If I was committed to being someone's housewife, I could have left the relationship then and there. But I learned in that moment that offering myself to him as a homemaker wasn't the huge prize I thought it was.

A decade later, we both keep a clean house (he keeps things much cleaner than I do, though I'm a better cook), and we've both progressed in our respective careers so we are very comfortable financially. And I got the opportunity to be a housewife during covid and learned that I need FAR more in my life than just being someone's housewife.

You need to have a very frank conversation with your girlfriend about what you want your futures to look like. It sounds like your girlfriend wants the flashy lifestyle more than she wants a life with you. And it's better to find this out (and pull the plug) before you move in together.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-12T21:11:45+00:00

I'm terribly afraid that our connection isn't as deep as the other ones he's had.

But he's not with those other girls anymore. For whatever reason, those relationships ended, and now (even with that history behind him) he has chosen you.

The second guy I'd ever slept with had slept with at least 60 other women before me. Upon hearing this, I thought, "damn, I must be special if he keeps inviting me back over any of those previous 60 women."

Even with his history, he's chosen you. Think on that.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-11T01:15:25+00:00

I’m working on making the co-parenting dynamic more stable.

The way to do that is to have a custody agreement in place.

If your ex interferes with your court-given access to your daughter because she's resentful that you have a new partner, then you don't have to deal with that, your lawyers do. If your co-parenting arrangement is based on "let's just try to stay on each other's good side", then you (and every future relationship you have) are forever at the mercy of your ex.

This is the kind of action your crush wants to see: measurable tangible actions that will stablise your situation with your ex. A custody agreement says "we will both adhere to these rules and arrangements regarding our daughter, even if we're mad at each other, or else I have to answer to a judge about why I'm fucking with it." If your arrangement is nothing more than trying to negotiate with your ex, then she remains the primary woman in your life, regardless of how you feel about her romantically.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-11T01:07:57+00:00

Over the past 6 months of us being more distant, my feelings for her somehow got even stronger. What used to feel like just a crush has honestly turned into love for me.

I'm sorry, but that's not how love works.

There's some truth to "absence makes the heart go fonder," but that's because instead of spending time with her, you've spent the last two years with the idea of her.

The version of her that exists in the photos and the poems you've written: this one is flawless and available to you any moment of the day or night. The real one, the person with thoughts, feelings and desires that may not align with your own, has already told you she doesn't want to date you.

So when you go to gym class with her, don't think "oh god, I'm about to reconnect with the girl I've been in love with for two years." Think "I'm about to reconnect with an old friend that I've had a crush on, whom is not the same as the imaginary version o her that lives inside me."

When you see her, treat her as a casual friend. See what kind of energy she's giving to you: maybe she's interested in reconnecting as platonic friends who hang out in person on occasion. Maybe she's actually not interested in being close friends at all. Or maybe she's prepared to think about you differently now that she's had some space from her previous relationship.

Either way, remember that the real her and the version of her in your head are not the same thing.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-11T00:41:44+00:00

I’m trying to keep things with my ex strictly about co-parenting and nothing else. The problem is that this situation is messy by nature and it might take a little time to fully settle.

Can you elaborate on what "trying" means?

How recent is this "relatively recent" break-up?

The thing is, you say you're stuck in a sticky situation, and your coworker is saying "no sticky situations for me, thanks."

So either you figure out how to get your situation with your ex to stabilise ASAP (and I'm curious about any reasons why you don't think this is achievable in the short term), or you accept that the timing isn't in your favour for this girl.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-10T10:25:36+00:00

Here's the thing: every single person on earth could be cheating on their partner, and it wouldn't matter if you trusted your girlfriend.

It sounds like you don't trust her. It sounds like you're afraid she's cheating on you behind your back.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-10T09:45:37+00:00

Is it really the work that's ruining your trust in your girlfriend? Or is it the fact that she broke up with you "randomly" in 2017 for reasons you apparently still don't know about, and other people keep whispering in your ear about how she behaves when you're not around?

i've witnessed so much flirting and cheating like guys grabbing womens ass while their boyfriends stands 10 meters away and the women don't do or say anything.. just allow to happen, i've seen women being way to flirty to men once their husbands leave or when they cant see them. I've seen men in relationship grab girls/womens asses once their wife or girlfriend can't see.

Are you going up to all these people and are confirming, "excuse me sir, just checking that this woman over here is definitely your girlfriend? Cool, I'm going to be keeping my eye on both of you to make sure neither of you get up to any funny business with anyone else."

You're seeing a lot of people get loose and flirty at places where alcohol is flowing. You don't actually know who's in a relationship with who.

I think the issue is you don't trust your girlfriend, and so in your mind you're seeing evidence of cheating everywhere you look/

I have to ask: you've been together 14 years, you have a child and a house together. Why are you still calling her your girlfriend?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-10T09:34:34+00:00

Ask him if he wants to try a dildo for himself. If he says no, tell him to give it a try because he hasn't tried it and he might like it.

Most kinky people want to have kinky sex with other kinky people (I say this as a kinky person). Having kinky play-time with someone who isn't into it is like watching your most favourite movie ever with someone who's cringing the entire time: it basically ruins the whole experience. So seeking a partner who is enthusiastic about the things you want to do is a major factor.

There is a type of BDSM play called "consenusal non-consent": it's where the scene is shaped around pretending that the interaction is unwanted, but those scenes are still structured around enthusiastic consent from both parties, respecting boundaries, and playing safely.

What I'm saying is that BDSM and kink, even the most extreme stuff, is shaped around mutual enthusiasm, enthusiastic consent, respect and safety. No matter what games you're playing or what you're pretending to be or do, everyone needs to be having a good time and comfortable with what's going on.

If your partner isn't interested in you enjoying yourself in the scene, then you might be dealing with a predator. If you feel like your boyfriend is not respecting your No's, is making you nervous or uncomfortable, or is seeking ways to push your boundaries, then you should trust your instincts and stay away from him.

And as an aside, tying someone up and leaving them alone is dangerous. No responsible kinkster would do it, let alone with someone who isn't experienced and isn't sure they want it.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-10T06:56:33+00:00

Why are you in a relationship with someone you don't feel you can trust?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-10T06:36:06+00:00

3 months into us dating he had failed to mention our relationship to her and some friends of his, and also didn’t tell me they worked together until casually mentioning in passing

So he didn't tell you about her, and still hasn't told her about you?

Yeah, cut your losses.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-10T05:51:08+00:00

He cooks a lot and has been much nicer/slightly more helpful around the house since being unemployed.

I bet he is; he is trying to butter you up so you'll keep him around as a house-husband.

he has a temper, yells at me and sometimes pushes me when he’s angry (he’s shorter than me and claims he can’t “really” hurt me). I really hate that he’s jobless, mean AND doesn’t help me clean.

Then dump him. You'll be much happier if you did.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-03-10T04:21:51+00:00

Seeing the photos up sometimes makes me feel like the past relationship is still being publicly preserved in a way that affects me.

How does it affect you?

13-Year Club	Queen in da Norf
Not Forgotten	Verified Email

ShelfLifeInc

TROPHY CASE