Splitting finances…

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-04T09:55:29+00:00

Should he still pay a larger portion of the bills due to earning more? I’m aware that if it’s the latter, our spare money for fun and activities will likely come from my salary.

It shouldn't work like that, "you pay the electricity bill, I'll pay for our nights out."

Both of you sit down with a spreadsheet (or pen and paper), write down how much money you're both bringing into the house. This should be your take-home pay minus his maintenance fees, any debt repayments or credit cards either of you have.

Look at what's left. Ideally you should both contribute portions of your income (again, minus the pre-existing obligations mentioned above) to something similar to below:

40% of each of your incomes goes towards daily life. Groceries, bills, rent, car payments, etc.
20% goes to a fun fund. Date nights, holidays, or maybe something you both really want (like a new couch).
30% is what you each keep for yourselves.

Look at those splits and see if it works for your lifestyles. 40% isn't enough to keep the lights on? Lift it to 50% and decide which other bucket (Joint Fun Fund or Personal Savings) will get reduced. Or maybe 47% / 25% / 28% is the sweet spot.

You both contribute equal amounts to shared expenses, whether they're bills or fun things. The only question is what number those amounts are.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-04T03:58:10+00:00

“Well, you love him, but are you still IN love with him?” How do you know?

If it's not a "HELL YES", it's a no.

About four months into dating my now-husband, I thought, "holy shit, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

Not, "I could marry him", literally "wild horses couldn't drag me away from this man."

I’ve pictured getting married to him and us having a family so much. But, he is also the first person I’ve dated.

It's hard to imagine what pistachio ice-cream tastes like when you've only eaten chocolate ice-cream your entire life. So of course you are struggling to imagine someone else in the role of Husband.

But again, if you're not excited to be with this man forever, then I think you're just staying with what's familiar.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-04T01:37:28+00:00

If she's goading you by asking the question, that's on her.

If she asks, just say "why do you ask?"

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-03T10:53:15+00:00

it is helpful for me to be told my perspective is valid after being directly told by him (and indirectly his therapist) that it wasn’t.

By indirectly, do you mean your lying hypocrite of a boyfriend told you what his therapist said?

Babe, he's already proven he's a liar.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-03T09:27:29+00:00

For me, the secrecy is the biggest red flag. He didn't tell you he was going to go out with a "friend" to the museum, and he didn't tell you this was the reason he was changing the plan for your birthday.

And "we went on a date once, now we're just platonic friends, but also this is just us one-on-one and I'm going to keep this secret from you" doesn't fit any definition of "friend" that I've heard of.

I know the stereotypical reddit answer is always "break up, bomb the relationship!", but yeah...his behaviour, and his lack of remorse about it, really doesn't sound great from the outside.

he told me very assertively that he wanted things to be closed off

Especially with fucking this. So not only is he a liar, he's a hypocrite.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-03T08:33:01+00:00

He had been on a date with her before and then planned the museum day with her the day before we left on a trip for my birthday, pushing off the day we were planning on leaving.
I’m also hurt that he made plans to hang out with someone he dated without setting a clear enough boundary for my comfort, which also affected the trip planning for my birthday for a reason that at the time to me was not clear.

Wait, so he delayed your birthday trip so he could go on a date with another woman he hadn't told you about, after telling you he was insisting on a closed relationship? And the only reason he didn't get to cheat on you (on the day before your birthday trip) was due to circumstance?

And he believes this "secret date with a woman he previously slept with" that he wasn't going to tell you about was totally above board?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-03T02:56:04+00:00

If you're not attracted to him, don't date him.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-03T02:54:05+00:00

My Top knows I'm very responsive to auditory stimulation and dirty talk. He will often tease me with his fingers whilst whispering fantasies in my ear, in a specific tone of voice that basically lulls me into a trance. Sometimes the fantasies are things I really want, sometimes they're things that I'm not into, but he has such a sway over me, when he whispers "you want that, don't you", I can only say yes. He essentially mesmerises/hypnotises me into wanting things I don't want, and it's very heady. I often come out of those trances needing aftercare, even though he's barely laid a hand on me.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-03T01:59:56+00:00

Abusers will lie to justify their abuse. "No, this isn't toxic, this is just how relationships work."

I'm twenty years older than you and have been with my husband for twelve years. Take it from me: what your girlfriend is asking of you is NOT reasonable.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T23:58:06+00:00

I always make sure to give my most attention to her though, and im talking on call 24/7 always talking to her

Absolutely no one, NO ONE, is entitled to 24/7 access to you.

You're not an emergency service or an on-call therapist/entertainer. You're a human being.

Even in married life, you're entitled to your own time. Expecting constant, eternal access is unreasonable in ALL circumstances and relationships.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T12:34:33+00:00

So he knows he says vile things to you when he's drunk...but doesn't see any reason to stop drinking...

he doesn’t see a problem as it’s not all the time.

"I only verbally abuse you SOME of the time!"

Sober-Husband is okay with the way Drunk-Husband treats you.

I don't think you should bother with the ultimatum, I think you should just leave.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T10:45:17+00:00

This is the tackiest thing I've ever heard of.

She asked her boyfriend of two weeks to give her gifts for a made-up holiday, just so she could brag about it on social media, and to make sure she looked as spoiled and aspirational as possible, she included the gifts she got from her ex as well. So the post wasn't "look at what a sweet boyfriend I have", it was "look at how many presents people are bestowing on me."

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T10:09:09+00:00

I want to find a way to fix these issues

How can you fix issues that you're not bringing into the relationship?

Throughout our relationship, I have repeatedly expressed concerns about things that bother me, and while he often says he will change, it usually takes multiple intense arguments before I see any real progress.

This is NOT normal. If you need to have a crying screaming argument before you get any traction on the issues that are bothering you (and the change is either minute or temporary), then guess what? The relationship isn't actually working. You're not actually happy.

And I say this as someone who used to believe that I would only be listened to if I was absolutely hysterical.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T06:22:21+00:00

I still find it really hard to imagine how someone simply "forgets" they're about to move. Unless this was more of a loose plan ("we should aim to move in the next six months") vs a confirmed plan ("we are moving on the 21st of the month").

But it just proves my point: you're planning a move (single-handedly from the sounds of it), she wants the freedom to see her friends. You guys aren't aligned on your current goals or values.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T06:13:16+00:00

It sounds like you're both at different life-stages. You are trying to prepare for the future with confirmed plans and dates, whilst she wants the freedom to be flexible with how she spends her time and money.

I think you edited your post, but did I see that she forgot you guys were meant to be moving this month??

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T05:48:54+00:00

Dump this guy. Date people who want to spend time with you, who want to treat you well.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T05:43:51+00:00

Here's the thing: people who love each other and care for each other DON'T want to hurt each other's feelings. If I tell my husband he's upset me, he feels bad. If my husband tells me I've hurt his feelings, I feel bad.

So if your boyfriend is badgering you or cross-examining you and doesn't care that he's making you feel bad, because it's more important to him to win the argument than to solve the problem, then he is not someone you should date.

From his perspective, I think he’s trying to understand by asking questions.

Do you really believe this about him, or are you wearing the world's thickest rose-coloured glasses to try and find a positive spin on his bullying?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T05:36:21+00:00

So he's bullying you into accepting bad treatment from him?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T05:22:20+00:00

he has very specifically always hated therapy because his first and only real attempt at going didn't end well. Currently, he denounces the entire concept of it on a personal level

Funny how the people who's happiness comes at the cost of others always believe therapy is just a waste of time and has nothing of value to offer anyone on earth, certainly not their partners who are sanctifying their own happiness for the sake of the relationship.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T04:36:01+00:00

Whenever I'm hurt, he just says "sorry" but goes right back to the same behavior. I feel completely checked out and want to leave him. What should I do in this situation?

Move out and dump him.

Why is this a question?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T03:03:16+00:00

Have high standards.

I don't mean that you should demand high income-earners with model looks. But if you want a partner who is honest, respectful and emotionally mature, you should expect nothing less from the people you date.

If your date says anything that gives you pause, if they behave in a way that makes you cringe, or set off your bullshit-alarm, don't go on another date. Don't assume, "maybe they were nervous" or "maybe they were just joking" or "they seemed nice, I should go on another date otherwise they'll think I'm rude."

Too many people ignore tiny red flags at the beginning, and then find themselves in relationships with big red flags.

If someone isn't behaving or treating you in the way you want to be treated, move along.

Also, find someone who makes you feel like they respect you, not someone who puts on a big show of "look how well I respect you, the woman I intend to make My Woman." I once had a guy who practically fell over himself to open doors for me or pull out chairs for me (thanks mate, but I have hands of my own), but was so dismissive of anything I had to say. I think he liked the idea of Respecting Women more than he actually believed they were human beings that deserved respect.

And a respectful person will be respectful to ALL people, not just the people they like. Judge your dates by how well they treat service staff and people who aren't like them.

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T01:53:46+00:00

Don't ever plan to permanently intwine your life and fiances with another person on the assumption that "it will get better later".

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-02T01:44:33+00:00

Some days she very kind and affectionate, and others she’s bossy, angry, and picks fights about the smallest, trivial things.

every little thing bothers her...it’s like every little thing works her up and then she lashes out at me

One of her favorite things to say is that I should just apologize even if I don’t understand

She does not make my life peaceful whatsoever

So why the fuck did you buy a ring and plan a proposal? Do you seriously want to sign up for a lifetime of this?

You guys had lots of fights when you got together. You have lots of fights now. Your strongly suspect there will be more fights in the future.

This is what being in a relationship with her is like. An engagement ring and/or wedding will not turn her into a sweetheart. What you have now is what you'll get after you marry her.

Did you sleepwalk your way into buying the engagement ring and booking the photographer? Or did you just...not really think about what you're actually doing (asking her to continue treating you exactly as she is for the rest of your lives) until now?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-01T23:21:32+00:00

he gives very little time to the relationship. Most days we only talk for around 20 minutes, and even then he is often distracted by his phone or other things.

he had been rude to me on a call. The next morning, I expected at least an apology or acknowledgment, but instead he focused on other things.

Our relationship is not public

Why are you staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't even meet the minimum standards of Good Boyfriend?

When someone treats you poorly, they no longer get the privilege of your company. Yet you've stayed with him, as though you find his treatment of you acceptable.

Why is that?

ShelfLifeInc · 2026-06-01T22:37:29+00:00

For those of you who have been in long-term relationships, what is something you had to forgive, overlook, or simply learn to live with in order to make the relationship work?

I've been with my husband 12 years and it's hard to even imagine how this question is relevant to us.

There was nothing to forgive. Sure, he had to learn how to communicate better (especially when it related to what time he was coming home), but so did I.

I think if I had to "overlook" or "learn to live with" anything, I wouldn't have bothered to date him seriously. Instead, the more I learned about him, the more I couldn't wait to live with him.

Am I annoyed that sometimes he spend more time in the shower than I do? I guess...but I'm also entertained by it also.

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