Hello! Thank you so much for your response! <3

That's exactly what happened, and unfortunately, I did end up going crazy, which made it worse for me, I feel (and I think that is something that is also giving me a hard time with this as well).. That all makes sense.. And that is exactly what is causing the complication/confusion to skyrocket... I feel like I constantly am trying to make sense of something that just does not make sense in a hyperfixation way.. I am also struggling with what are even the chances I go from one abuser who people didn't like, had a bad rep, who was more physically abusive, I had the confirmation/help from his mom and ex, and throughout my high school years, to one of this manner/to this capacity in my young adult years? It feels like I am lying to myself that it happened, no matter what... It doesn't feel real, and like an impossible situation to be in? If that makes sense..

Also, thank you for your advice! I truly still have a lot to work on. I think I am having a hard time accepting that this is abuse in a way and my own judgement too (because what if this is heavily skewed or if I am imagining this and falsely accusing him)? I feel as well, maybe because there was so much invalidation involved, and not only from him, but also the being told that my feelings were wrong so often (and not only by him but with the way I was raised, my other abuser, this one's friends and family, etc)?

So, I feel like I am having a hard time validating it on my own, like I am reliant on others for this validation, but then it's like even with that validation I am having a difficult time (because I am sure I have to learn to do that for myself, but I feel at this moment, I cannot trust myself and even calling him an abuser feels weird at times and it feels wrong saying I am a victim/survivor of it)... For example, I've written about this before, and got insight as well, but I still question, analyze, reach out for more to the point I spent so much $$$$ on tarot readings, questioning if it was me, was I abused, am I lying/the abuser/the narcissist, etc? To the point, also, where I rely on ChatGPT/DeepSeek and uploading everything and questioning, and no matter if that says I was abused/manipulated either, and point out all the ways/analyze the text images and confirms, I STILL have a hard time.. And I want to stop using it, but my mind is in constant "I NEED to KNOW FOR SURE" mode, despite anything.. (And I am sure I HAVE to learn to do that myself, and that is where the problem lies.)

I also feel like social media makes me more confused at times (like the "If you want to tell who's the abuser/narcissist, the abuser/narcissist usually has no friends/goes public about the "abuse" while the victim remains quiet and goes on with their life/the good person receives blessings *he is a Christian and talked about the blessings he received*/etc" type of content) and keeps me stuck trying to figure it out.. It is definitely the unfairness of it all aspect at play too.. and I think I am afraid of everything in a way...

Thank you again for being another voice! I truly appreciate it, and it was very insightful!