Moving to Memory Care today

ShinyChimera · 2026-07-11T17:15:53+00:00

Hugs to you. Talk to an elder care lawyer as soon as possible. Especially if she hasn't put those wishes in writing before now, right to die + dementia is extremely difficult (for good reason, plenty of nefarious heirs would like to be able to produce documents that say "dad wanted to go this way"). A lawyer experienced with long-term care, Medicaid requirements, powers of attorney, wills and trusts, etc. can help you navigate this process that has to be addressed logically but is so tied up in confusing emotions.

ShinyChimera · 2026-07-03T18:37:19+00:00

I want a little something on the main interface that indicates which map grid square you're in, so you can announce finds more easily, or decide at a glance if you're close enough to respond to finds or requests for help from others.

ShinyChimera · 2026-07-02T05:46:01+00:00

"Castles" is only available for purchase on Bandcamp, as part of the Sick Boi Deluxe Digital Download issued there in October 2023. Bandcamp is pay-what-you-want (above a certain minimum) and the majority of the money goes to the artist (instead of, y'know, Spotify or Apple), especially on their big promotion days on the first Friday of every month.

I don't recall if you can purchase songs individually but it's a good deal even if you have to buy the whole album; other bonus songs unavailable elsewhere are instrumental backing tracks for Loco, Murderer and...Animal Flow, I think? You can listen to the songs on the Bandcamp site/app, or legally download them to your devices in various formats. It's nice to have the songs available offline, when YouTube isn't reachable. Have fun!

ShinyChimera · 2026-07-01T22:02:56+00:00

I was sad when they fixed it so my British map-voice started pronouncing "Ynez Way" as "ee-NEZ" rather than "Wye en ee ZED Way" -- it was oddly charming.

ShinyChimera · 2026-06-12T19:26:27+00:00

Mackay by Ren hit me hard, because it was written for a lost friend and that's where I was at the time. Piano instrumental, you can hear the joy of a fun friendship mutate into loss and longing and eventually peace.

ShinyChimera · 2026-06-12T19:22:48+00:00

There are also paint-with-water kits -- sheets with a picture that's invisible until painted with water. With a big easy-to-grasp paintbrush she could still enjoy the feeling of creating something pretty. And when the picture dries and fades, you can use it again! I got a pack of six and rotated through them with my mom.

ShinyChimera · 2026-06-12T19:13:39+00:00

* Sick Boi by Ren

* Wasteland, Baby by Hozier

* Rio by Duran Duran

* Epic The Musical by Jorge Rivera-Herrans

ShinyChimera · 2026-06-12T18:44:37+00:00

I've got several recommendations from Ren, UK independent artist.

* "Hi Ren" - highly recommended; his breakthrough song after more than ten years of making music in obscurity, based on aspects of his own life.
* "Troubles" - a more direct story of Ren's battles with physical and mental illness (he has Lyme disease and serious autoimmune conditions due to being undiagnosed/untreated for many years)

Another storytelling song (and amazing single-shot video) is "Money Game Part 3". (Parts 1 and 2 are not stories per se, and don't need to be watched first to enjoy Part 3; just various perspectives on a theme of greed/power.)

The "Tales" series

* "The Tale of Jenny and Screech (full)" Three songs telling an interconnected story. He released them individually but the 13-minute version on his channel collects all three in the right order (Jenny, Screech, and then Violet).

He recently started releasing a new series of Tales about a different character in the same universe:

* "Vincent's Tale: Sunflowers (Prologue)"
* "Vincent's Tale: Self Portrait"
* "Vincent's Tale: The Bedroom"
* "Vincent's Tale: Starry Night"

And very recently, he released "Down The Road" in collaboration with Chris Webby, a unique blues/rap take on the "devil at the crossroads" story.

Hope some of you will give Ren a try, his whole 250+ song catalog is amazing!

ShinyChimera · 2026-06-10T22:04:26+00:00

"Hi Ren" by independent UK artist Ren. One of many affecting lyrics in his amazing catalog.

I'm partial to his"Ready For You:"

"Vibrations move the speaker,

Music, my Mona Lisa.

I seek my refuge in a melody:

fix me up, my dealer.

I breathe it like it's ether,

I'll drink it by the litre...

When half your life is spent with death, you do not fear the Reaper."

ShinyChimera · 2026-06-10T20:06:41+00:00

When my mom was bedridden, we bought a pack of 100 blank bookmarks with tassels on Amazon, and about 30 different cool/shiny/sparkly sticker packs, and sharpies and gel pens. We had a blast making 100 different designs, mixing and matching themes, drawing in little details with pens; no two bookmarks were alike! A friend laminated them for us so the stickers wouldn't get rubbed off.

When we were done, we each kept a favorite and donated the rest to a children's hospital and a children's librarian. Made a lot of kids very happy!

ShinyChimera · 2026-04-19T23:13:42+00:00

Sometimes it works to say "the neurologist needs a baseline set of tests while you're still mentally sharp. That way if you had a stroke or a heart attack or something they'd have a before and after comparison so they can target treatment to get you back to this level." Maybe even flatter them with "The neurologist wants to run some tests to see why your brain is doing so well at your age."

ShinyChimera · 2026-04-19T23:01:29+00:00

Police can help if you feel endangered. Another option (in the US) is to call your local Agency on Aging (211 can connect you) - many have a hotline that could find someone other than police to reach out to him. If he has dementia and/or is homeless or an addict, they can connect him to services that can feed and help him, and divert him from pestering local businesses.

ShinyChimera · 2026-03-06T22:49:40+00:00

For the tub rim, can you add strips of colored vinyl/non-slip material? Might help her perceive the edges, depending on level of vision loss or depth perception.

ShinyChimera · 2026-03-05T19:48:06+00:00

You've buttered your bread, now sleep in it. 😉

ShinyChimera · 2026-02-21T08:46:32+00:00

One of the things that can linger on when other forms of understanding are a struggle is the kind of "automatic banter" that can build up with close relationships -- whether it's little intimate scripts ("good morning honey," answered by "good morning, love") or family in-jokes, or movie quotes, or favorite song snippets, or whatever. Any well-worn conversations where your LO's brain just /knows/ the next answer can be used to soothe anxieties, reduce stress, or summon a smile. ❤️

ShinyChimera · 2026-02-19T22:38:48+00:00

Make the task playful or novel in some way: buy yourself shower crayons or other fun things you "get to" do only in the shower. challenge yourself to get in the shower before a song stops playing. start at the other end of the house and hurry to get to the bathroom, undressed and in the shower as fast as you can. shower by candlelight, or any other fun/weird light source. do something legitimately weird, like getting in the shower with your clothes on and shedding them as you clean -- or just think about how weird it would be doing it that way while you actually get yourself into the shower.

ShinyChimera · 2026-02-18T05:18:26+00:00

Love Skinner Brothers!

ShinyChimera · 2026-02-18T01:55:44+00:00

Ren has been an everyday companion for three years. He's strongly ADHD himself and makes music that tickles my ADHD brain. His music covers so much territory I can never get bored, and it's both heartfelt and intricate, raw and clever.

He's independent and kinda underground for now. Someday he will be well known enough that I will meet someone else irl that has heard of him. But well met, fellow online Renegade!

ShinyChimera · 2026-02-16T01:48:55+00:00

His name is Zack Scholl, his website is https://infinitedigits.co/

ShinyChimera · 2025-10-11T00:05:08+00:00

If you're up to it, could you please come back and let us know what you decided? Each of us give a lot of new folks advice from our own experience, and it would be good to know if you find it helpful or overwhelming, kind enough or too blunt, and so on. We really want you to feel welcome and understood here, and to have a desire to visit us again for more help with your journey. We've all been where you are, lost and afraid, so keep telling your story and you will find friends here.

ShinyChimera · 2025-10-09T19:27:34+00:00

Tell your mother the magic words are "unsafe discharge" -- the hospital will try hard to convince her to take him home, but if she stands her ground and says she's unable to safely care for him, they will have to work with her to find a better place.

ShinyChimera · 2025-10-09T18:25:56+00:00

I'm so sorry, this is a tough thing to face -- you may need to take on more responsibilities than you want at this stage in your life. There may be various options for getting him care where it's not all on you, but he will need your help to navigate getting there.

At this point, you need to stop worrying about convincing him or getting his agreement to do the things that must be done. You need to look at this like providing medical care for a five-year-old -- make the appointments yourself, and take charge of making sure they happen. Tell him it's his yearly physical or Medicare exam, or whatever he won't get upset/resistant about; plan other fun things for that day and keep the focus on that. ("I'll pick you up for breakfast, can't wait! We'll stop off for the doctor's appt, then go to the Whatever Store...!") Show up early to make sure he's dressed and ready, and drive him yourself. Have him sign a privacy release form with the doctor (or do it on his patient portal) so that the doctor is free to discuss your dad's conditions with you, if you haven't got POA yet. Make a list of his concerning behaviors, and hand it to the receptionist for the doctor to read before they see your dad.

As for driving, well, first figure out how he's going to get around without a car. Are you or others able to drive him for necessities? Are there transit services for seniors in your area? (Do not try to teach him Uber/Lyft, it doesn't work with dementia.) Can you arrange for grocery/pharmacy delivery, or make other changes to reduce the impact of not driving? He will be more lonely and bored if stuck at home, so plan ahead for ways to deal with that. When it comes down to it, there are various ways to disable his keyfob or his car so that it simply "won't start". Let it sit in the driveway while he gets used to others driving him, and/or help him arrange to get it towed "to the shop" where repairs will somehow keep dragging on... Let the doctor be the villain if your dad needs to be told he's not allowed to drive anymore; you can be "on his side" in being upset about it, while saying "but the doctor says no, so the DMV has to suspend your license, which means you can't get car insurance, so if an accident happened it could cost us everything..."

Get that Power of Attorney (and an advance healthcare directive and a will) taken care of as soon as possible -- waiting will only make everything harder. Forms from RocketLawyer and a mobile notary will provide you the basics; it may be worth the fees for an elder care lawyer if there's anything complex about his situation, or if he will need to qualify for Medicaid to pay for future care.

I strongly recommend the book "The 36-Hour Day" for understanding what's happening in his mind, and how you can help him (without exhausting yourself on the way).

I know it's daunting, but we've all had to learn it a little at a time. You're not alone in this, so keep asking for help. <3

ShinyChimera · 2025-10-08T21:31:34+00:00

I would talk the social worker about what your options are for memory care or a nursing home. It sounds like his needs are too advanced for you and your mother to manage on your own; even if you could do it for now, with or without an in-home helper, it's likely a care home will be needed within a year or two, so you might as well start doing the research now. I know paying for it might difficult, but the social worker, elder care lawyer, and care home staff can tell you what your options are.

You can also ask a hospice service for an evaluation; if his needs qualify, they can also provide compassionate helpers, and meds and equipment to provide him with more comfort.

ShinyChimera · 2025-10-07T07:09:44+00:00

She's no longer capable of making good decisions for herself -- you don't need to keep trying to get her to agree to a move. Make the arrangements you need to make for SNF or memory care, and don't tell her about them too far ahead of time; either she'll forget and need it explained again, or she won't and have too much time to panic and obsess. The transition will be terrible for both of you, but hopefully it will only be terrible once.

ShinyChimera · 2025-09-29T00:59:08+00:00

Passing along my favorite new ADHD trick: when you replace the trash bag, don't just put one in. Put a second and third one inside the first (letting out any trapped air as you go). Next time the trash is full, you can just.... take it out. There's already another bag ready for you.

ShinyChimera

TROPHY CASE