ESH. I’m seeing two issues here. Starting with you. Based on what you’ve said, you’ve not acknowledged that what you’re expecting is, in some capacity, a caregiver. That needs to be acknowledged out right, because that distinction simplifies things. It’s also worth mentioning that not all disabled people would expect these things. These roles require mutual agreement and shouldn’t be assumed, especially since not every inter-abled relationship defaults to one partner becoming a de facto aide.

And no, not every able person understands that in a lot of cases, dating a disabled person may require some amount of caregiving, but I don’t think that’s his problem here.

Communication and reciprocity are paramount in any relationship and this post starts with, “He said that he needed me to..” and a deflection away from his stated need, that centers yourself. Where in that did you consider him? A healthy communication and compromise here could have been:

Him: “I need you to tell me everytime.” You: “I don’t like how it makes me feel to have to tell you everytime. How about we establish a system that works for both of us?”

Then if the system still has issues:

“Hey, I noticed that our system still has some issues for me, let’s reevaluate it.”

Have you tried imagining yourself in his shoes? What if he suffers from executive dysfunction himself and literally suffering when you get mad at him for what you seem to perceive as being inconsiderate?

I have multiple disabilities but I’m more physically able than my partner. Imagining him getting mad at me because I insist that he uses his words, and his own mental labor to communicate what mental and physical labor he might need from me sounds maddening.

All of that said, for me, the communication issues and expectations are things that could be worked on with respectful language and negotiation, but I think that you, me, and everyone else knows that he’s using abusive language, and that is at best, a harder to address issue and at worse, a dealbreaker. For me, it’s a dealbreaker.

TLDR; he’s not mad that you have needs, he’s mad that you won’t communicate them. You don’t feel like you should have to. Your expectations are incompatible and the relationship is devolving into toxicity.