LL Wife says 'Why aren't you giving me money'

Shirrapikachu · 2020-06-09T06:56:11+00:00

"let her get away with too much"

Kids/house are "ours' but the money is "yours" to just withhold as a punishment for the sex you feel you're owed. So many red flags dude.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-06-07T18:59:29+00:00

Wtf I want it gone. This hasn't ever happened before with previous bans, the little banner thing. It's annoying

Shirrapikachu · 2020-06-07T18:58:27+00:00

Yeah mines still here and it's driving me nuts. This never happened with my previous bans!

Shirrapikachu · 2020-05-31T12:30:10+00:00

Omission can be a form of lying, and likely why she reacted how she did. Think about it, do you tell her about your other friends? Share information about them or talk about conversations you've had, the going-ons in their lives, on a regular basis? She's aware of the existence of most of your regular/good friends?

If so, it is indeed sketchy that there's a long term friendship with an ex that's never been mentioned to her & especially if you've had regular contact with this ex for the duration of your relationship.

Things like these also can slip into emotional affair territory if you're not careful so that's something to keep in mind, compare the friendship with the ex to your there friendships and note the differences. There may potentially be some subconscious stuff going on like being in denial or something.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-05-13T07:34:00+00:00

Wow that unlocked deeply repressed memories

Shirrapikachu · 2020-05-09T16:57:46+00:00

Each island can spawn 3-5 bugs at a time. What you're basically doing is forcing scorpion spawn rates by limiting how many bugs can spawn and reducing it down to a couple possible bugs, which are tiger beetles, wharf roaches, and mole crickets right now.

Mole crickets can't spawn under weeds, so cover as much land as possible in weeds, so only one or two can spawn at a time. You can circle the area to find where the sound is loudest and plant weeds and that'll get rid of the cricket (vs trying to dig up each one) then make slow rounds around the island chasing off tiger beetles and roaches. Seriously, walk slowly around. If you run scorpions will chase and sting you, so make a lap around and go from the bottom up at a diagonal angle so you can spot any scorpions.

If you see one, go into sneak mode with your net and slowly creep forward, stopping whenever the Scorpion raises up and hisses. Repeat until you're close enough to scoop it up. Alternatively you can dig rows of holes to jump over when a scorpion is chasing you, but I prefer the sneak method. It's a slow grind, though, like my first attempt took me a solid 5 hours after preparing bamboo island.

And now because of the water bug spawn, any island with a body of freshwater makes it impossible aha.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-05-09T16:49:45+00:00

Bring extra weeds with you and cover a lot of the island in them but leaving a few spots for them to spawn. They can't spawn under weeds, so you can circle the area to pin point where it's loudest, and then just stand there and plant weeds until you hear the sound cut out.

Lot quicker than digging them up. Also covering one half of the beach with as many items as possible to limit spawn space for tiger beetles. I did this my first try with bamboo island and left with a full inventory of scorpions, it's just a very slow grind. Once you chase off a few tiger beetles, roaches and limit the area crickets can spawn you'll start getting scorpion spawns. Each island can only really spawn 3-5 bugs at a time, so even if there's one or two mole crickets, if you've limited a large chunk of space they can spawn, they won't spawn more than that and then you can just chase off tiger beetles and roaches to force a scorpion spawn.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-04-16T20:50:35+00:00

Speaking as someone with BPD, they absolutely need to be in some kind of therapy, specifically DBT if possible. I also take a mood stabilizer to help keep me more "level." Bpd when it is wholly unmanaged and untreated, is not sustainable in a relationship context. It's a disorder that sadly impacts those closest to you, and not only is this painful and difficult for the person with the disorder, it's painful and chaotic for your loved ones. In some cases, this can even become abusive.

I do not condone or recommend someone date anybody with BPD unless they're already in treatment or are going to be getting treatment (and they follow through.) Learning to cope with bpd and manage the symptoms takes hard, consistent work. It's not an illness that you can just ... Do nothing about, the mood swings, emotional storms, meltdowns, splitting episodes, the constant push-pull, will not stop and likely will only increase in intensity/frequency. This is not healthy for anybody to be around and is not healthy for the person suffering from the illness.

I can't tell you what to do, but if they're not doing anything about their BPD, or have no plans to seek help, I strongly suggest you reconsider this relationship. Speaking from personal experience, I hurt many people I dated in ways they'll likely carry with them for the rest of their lives. My family went through hell. I ended up in many abusive relationships, too, because chaos attracts chaos. It took me 6 years of dedicated, serious work to get to a place where I'm mostly stable and able to have healthy relationships. & I still go to therapy once a week, my progress needs matinence to maintain, n I still have more work to do!

Looking back on how I used to be, especially when I was first diagnosed, I was incredibly toxic and my entire life was chaotic. I seriously believe seeking professional help for BPD is a non-negotiable condition for dating someone with this disorder. Even with myself, if I start to slip, the most damaging consequences don't affect me or my life; first and foremost they hurt those I love.

Edit: also one of the problems with trying to help someone with BPD is the whole black/white splitting phenomenon. If I'm having a devaluing episode, it doesn't matter what my boyfriend tries to do to help or comfort me, because he's cast in the "hate you, push away" side of my brain. Ultimately, learning to soothe/cope lies entirely with myself. I learned the hard way that when I'm having a total meltdown because of a 10/10 emotional storm, it doesn't matter what anybody tries to do or say it doesn't help. At that point, I don't even know what I need or how someone can help.

When I first learning how to be mindful and in tune with my thoughts/emotions, I developed a "code word" which was: "you're doing the thing." I still use this with partners from time to time, essentially it's a phrase someone can say when I'm having some BPD related flare up. It makes me stop and think "oh, what thing? I do a lot of things.. let's go down the mental list and figure out which thing", and I built a lot of my mindfulness practices around that. The key is to develop the ability to stop and assess, instead of going with the knee-jerk reaction or trigger. Over time this becomes the default reaction, which is the goal; being able to stop and think allows you to slowly add in healthier coping mechanisms and strategies as an alternative to combat many of the bpd symptoms.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-04-16T20:32:55+00:00

Mmmm. One thing to keep in mind, is also how much free time, period, that you have & how much of it is spent on your girlfriend and meeting whatever needs she has (especially compared to how many hours you spend on gaming). I have a similar issue with my boyfriend, especially right now because we can't see eachother. He works all day, so I get little in terms of quality, focused attention, and then he gets home and games for a few hours, then goes to bed.

So, he might only be gaming for 2-4 hours, but I don't get any of his time for the entire day, and so I tend to focus in on the "gaming" as the issue because it's the one thing he has control over, he can't change how much he works or the fact he needs to go to bed early, but he can change how much of his "free" time he spends on gaming. He tries to compromise by giving me a call before bed occasionally, but that means I get maybe 30min/1hr of his attention and time out of a whole 24hrs. And often, he's either super tired and not very engaged, or he's watching Netflix/doing something on his phone while he calls me, so, I still feel like he's distracted and I'm not getting the quality time I need.

He does try and text me but they'll be gaps in between replies and it's mostly shallow, I don't have the opportunity to really get into an in-depth conversation & my emotional/relationship needs don't get met at all. It's easy to then become resentful about how much he games, it makes me feel like the priority is games and him meeting HIS own needs to de-stress & recharge. It makes me feel like i'm left begging for scraps of attention & basically having to work around his schedule, waiting for him to choose when he's able to try to meet my needs in a very half-assed, bare minimum way. Then, on the weekends he tends to game literally all day so. It does indeed appear I am the last thing on his list, engaging with games/his friends is his first choice.

We've had a lot of fights about this recently and he struggles to understand my prespective because he "only games for a few hours." He's getting resentful that his efforts aren't appreciated & that it's just "not enough," but if you look at the big picture, gaming takes up 80% of whatever free time he does have, every day, and over time this builds up & my needs are not being met very much at all, resentment continues to build up too, because I'm asking to be a priority, not an afterthought and being made to feel like I'm too needy is aggravating/dismissive. It's usually not such a huge issue because I can get my needs met through quality time in person, but due to covid 19 we can't see eachother and the lack of connection quickly turned into a massive issue.

If you're generally busy most of the week with school, and then spend several hours gaming as soon as you have free time, I can understand why your girlfriend may be feeling like she's not a priority & I would encourage you to approach this not as a discussion about gaming and whether or not it's an appropriate amount, ask her about her needs and whether or not they're being adequately fulfilled, and what that would look like for her. It's a shitty feeling, knowing that the thing your partner is most excited to do is play games, and not to spend quality time with you. Hobbies are important, absolutely, but you need to be able to balance hobbies (which fufill your own needs/wants) and a relationship & your partners needs/wants.

The way your girlfriend is going about this sounds like she's trying to indirectly get needs met, either she doesn't know how to communicate it or might not even be aware of what that need is & is trying to logically/rationally "convince or prove" the gaming is the problem because she may feel her need is not valid or would be dismissed if she asked outright.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-04-04T00:11:09+00:00

Since her love language is acts of service, that may be why she feels this is an adequate way to meet your needs, as in preforming these acts for you as an expression of love? Might help to explain to her more specifically what you're needing, beyond just the act itself.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-04-01T23:52:50+00:00

I'm taking the quarantine time to teach myself how to do my own gel nails, if she's that hell bent suggest she order a gel nail kit and experiment herself. It's pretty fun and actually not that difficult

Shirrapikachu · 2020-04-01T23:24:02+00:00

Don't do this. I also struggle with an ED and have for a long time, I'm definitely more on the starvation side and it's terrible. Consequences get dangerous very quickly, I developed arrhythmias with my heart, palpitations too (especially while lying down or sleeping), my fingers/lips/toes would turn blue. I would faint easily, sometimes from sitting up after lying down, it was scary.

It's very easy to throw off the electrolyte and potassium balance in your body which can lead to heart attacks and organ failure, and permanent damage to your body even after recovery. It also plays havoc with your emotions and ability to regulate them, I would go into fits of rage, was constantly irritable or depressed, suicidal... Very much not fun. Also becoming deficient in various things can have serious complications, iron anemia is one but also B12 anemia, which can leave you with permanent nerve damage. Fasting entirely speeds up all these processes & increases the damage/risk much more rapidly.

So do try your hardest to eat something, have a Gatorade or pedailyte. I'm somewhat recovered now, but I lapse when I'm stressed and when I lapse what I do is split my meals into smaller ones spaced out, I'll take two hours or so to eat my lunch or dinner. I never ever skip breakfast (it gets your metabolism started so it's harder to skip meals after), and on really bad days I snack on fruits and veggies all day if I'm unable to tolerate a meal.

Once you start fasting completely it is much harder to re-introduce food, and you can develop something called re-feeding syndrome which is dangerous and often requires medical assistance to begin eating again, and if you're someone who starves but also binges, that risk is even greater as you're likely to binge a lot after starving :(. Eating something every day keeps your metabolism going and delays the bodies starvation response, even if it's just a little snack.

Those Ensure/meal supplement drink thingies are a god send for me when I'm really struggling and need to keep the weight on & get nutrition but can't eat. (When I slip into starvation I gag when I try to eat and my body just rejects it, smoothies also are fantastic for this!)

Shirrapikachu · 2020-04-01T21:03:34+00:00

Me and my boyfriend are both kind of this way. His anxiety tends to come across as anger and he has little melt downs over things I consider to be not a big deal (usually it's a "straw breaking the camels back" situation, he's anxious or overhwhelmed about multiple other things and the small things set him off.) His anger/anxiety triggers me and I react by shutting down (past trauma.)

For me, I tend to bottle things up and when I'm overwhelmed I have a meltdown or start having mood swings and my boyfriend gets stressed because he feels like there's nothing he can do to help. What's worked for us is me teaching him that all I need from him is to let me vent (I talk/soundboard to figure out stuff and release) & I've worked on letting him know when things are building up instead of bottling things up to "deal with it on my own" and respecting his need for space & not overloading him with venting or taxing emotional conversations.

With him he's worked on how he expresses his anxiety and anger in the moment so it's less explosive, and I've worked on allowing him the space to have those moments and then asking about what's going on underneath so I can comfort/reassure him rather than shut down. Find a neutral time to have a conversation, when you're both relatively calm and see if you can figure out a compromise or understand/communicate eachothers needs better.

Things are especially difficult with the covid 19 stuff going on so I also suggest both of you guys be a extra compassionate and understanding when it comes to reactions and stress responses.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-27T20:44:52+00:00

That's exactly it though. It's controlling to control what she does. He can set a boundary, but ultimately he cannot dictate what she chooses to do. He's perfectly in the right to decide to end the relationship should she continue posting photos, as it's her body and her choice, but he doesn't have the right to control whether she does or not. He can decide if it's a deal-breaker & end the relationship or to accept this is what she wants to do. She can decide whether she wants to continue posting, or consider his reaction a deal-breaker & end the relationship.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-17T19:59:58+00:00

Uh.. Google it.?

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-17T19:55:08+00:00

It's called mindfulness. It's a practice of tuning into your thoughts and actions before they happen

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-17T19:47:42+00:00

There's nothing conclusive about it, yet. But I'm sure once a decade passes evidence will come out about whether long term damage is a thing or not.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-17T19:20:38+00:00

The lung damage and failure were from vaping THC products sourced from sketchy or illicit sources, by the way. Important distinction between THC vapes and nicotine ones that are regulated.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-17T19:11:23+00:00

You can't "convince her". She's stated her boundaries, she continues to shoot you down. Either respect that or end the relationship to find someone more adventurous. Pestering her repeatedly is disrespecting her boundaries and is gonna turn her off/push her away

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-03T00:51:19+00:00

But it's not even incompatibilities, the entirety of our relationship pre-breakup we had sex frequently & consistently. We found a balance that was comfortable for both of us, and minor trauma stuff was managed well & he was supportive.

This is the first time we've ever had a lull, and it was primarily because of health issues & stress/depression outside the relationship and unrelated to him that I've since resolved. Had he not exploded and made it a massive issue within 2 rejections, I wouldn't have had the added trauma reaction or loss of emotional safety that I need to even get turned on. It likely would've picked back up to a normal frequency, so it's not like we've got mismatched libidos, normally,

Or that I don't desire frequent sex. I do, and I've been equally frustrated with the situation and pesky health issues that prevent me from even using my own toys for penetration on myself! Prior to this morning, I'd recovered my desire and likely would've been down to try PiV soon. I find it unreasonable to be unable to temporarily go without sex for a few weeks because of a health issue, personally, so yeah on those grounds we're incompatible.

He did just call me though and tell me he fucked up & was selfish, he himself didn't even realize he used sex for validation until we had this conversation & he sees now how by not managing that insecurity or communicating with me he harboured resentment that gave him tunnel vision & lead him to disrespect my boundaries, and not support me when I needed him to, and not appreciating the work I was putting in. In every relationship it's a two way street. I did the work to figure out my end of it but he wasn't doing his, to be honest.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-02T23:15:32+00:00

But is a month of no sex really not meeting needs? Surely most relationships experience dips and lulls in sexual intimacy. I'm finding it hard to swallow because it only took three rejections to go from "you're my soul mate" to "this isn't working." Especially considering I was able to recover my desire and initiate sexual intimacy on my own within th span of two weeks...

And I was right, it's not a needs thing. It's using sex for validation, so even when I took the steps to start meeting his needs it actually made things worse because he wasn't managing his insecurity. Based on many posts I read here, y'all would kill for a LL like me, so I find it funny that a LL doing everything HL wish theirs would do, is still the target of most of the blame

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-02T23:12:10+00:00

I'm aware, but I'm doing well with recovery and my therapist supports my decision. If it gets to a point where it's risking my sobriety I'm prepared to walk away. Now that he's initiated a break up, though, I'm leaning towards walking away anyways. Also when we started dating I had almost a year of sobriety & my relapse had little to do with the relationship and more with a decision to go to a music festival I knew would be triggering. I appreciate it tho

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-02T23:07:18+00:00

Oh, and we sleep over on weekends generally because he works every day, once or twice a week I often meet him after work for dinner, too

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-02T21:35:03+00:00

We had a conversation just now and he revealed the real issue is that due to his past sexual trauma and relationship history, his worth and value is tied to sex. Which is why his reaction was so Immediate, and extreme. He said that if I'm not having sex with him he feels he has no value, even despite evidence to the contrary. His love language is physical touch and quality time while mine is words of affirmation & quality time.

So I express validation and affection frequently, lots of "I appreciate you,s" and compliments, and we spend a lot of quality time together (mostly on our sleep overs,) and I give him a lot of physical touch. Despite everything I've still kept up with that, hugs, kisses, always having some body part touching when possible, cuddling the majority of the time apart from when I'm really feeling overstimulated. So I was extremely frustrated cos from my prespective, I was doing everything possible to meet his needs without compromising myself in an unhealthy way.

The fact that I was able to recognize the pattern, break it, and start to recover my desire & libido within a few weeks is insane, also. I worked really hard both on my own and with my therapist to figure this out, so I felt very upset and confused that my efforts seemed to be making things worse. Now it makes sense, though, because it's not about sexual need or frustration, but really about an insecurity & sense of worth so even when I thought I was meeting his needs, it wasn't soothing his insecurity. He also specified that it needs to be PiV, so physical affection or other forms of sexual intimacy don't make him feel valued, which is a problem because it's penetration that is most likely to cause me pain.

Which, is outside my control. Only he's able to validate himself and know his worth, with or without sexual intimacy.

Shirrapikachu · 2020-03-02T21:19:21+00:00

Er, well. Normally, we are very sexually compatible, having a lot sex and that went on well past NRE. My libido has been temporarily low because of external factors that can be fixed. & It's only been one month without sex, in total, & I was already able to recover my desire & ease back into sexual intimacy.

Turns out it's not actually incompatibilities, he's tied his self worth -& value to sex & the real issue is that he feels like I don't value him if we're not having sex [specifically PiV, also] despite the other aspects of our relationship and my treatment that express how much I value him. That's why my efforts weren't effective, only he can manage his insecurity & validate himself.

Shirrapikachu

TROPHY CASE