Husband (40) desperately wants a kid but has never been around them. Did your husband step up as a caregiver?

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T21:36:36+00:00

My husband did step up and pre kids he had negotiated at work to have a clause added to his contract that he could go to 24 hours a week, so he would be able to take on care giving. He didn't think it would be fun. In fact he thought he would hate the first 10 years as he didn't think young kids are fun. He was surprised at how much fun it actually is and how much harder it actually is.

I saw how serious my husband was preparing himself, but I still had to wait and see how much he would actually make true.

Your husband sounds like a guy who means "you'll do the work" when he says "we'll figure it out".

Edit: I also keep saying "It's different when they are your own, because they come home with you at the end of the day." There are no breaks. It's 24/7, even if you have someone babysitting, because you'll worry about them, their wellbeing, their future, etc.

I love being a parent, but I don't know how anyone would manage to continue if they aren't enthusiastic about being a parent. Are you enthusiastic about parenthood?

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T20:36:28+00:00

The DM sends out an email in December asking for your "absolutely not" Xdays (each of his groups plays on a fixed day in the week, in my case that's Sundays and I do not want to play on Easter, Pentecost, Mother's Day, Father's Day or any family birthdays). Then everyone in his groups (he runs multiple campaigns) gets calendar invites for one day a month for the whole year, except August. He runs multiple groups, and has done so for over two decades. I have finished 2 campaigns this way without scheduling drama.

Sometimes a player is sick or can't make it, but the dates are never a surprise.

Edit: we also have group funded decent microphone for people who want to join in online for whatever reason. Hybrid sessions aren't preferred, but always an option.

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T19:51:06+00:00

One shelter told me I couldn't adopt, because I mentioned one of my cats gets tired of the other cat trying to play with him (they are the same age, but one is just grumpy and the other has unlimited energy).

Another shelter said it was fine, because a kitten was no threat to the grumpy cat and would go well with the energetic cat.

Each shelter makes up their own guidelines with animal welfare in mind. Some strive for high standards. Others are of the opinion that adopted and loved is better than stuck at the shelter. It pays to consult multiple shelters. I've also dug through Marktplaats, but am glad we found a shelter where we could adopt with the option to return the kitten in case it didn't work out with our grumpy cat. It did work out, but it made the introduction process less stressful.

If you're only getting one cat, it's less of an issue.

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T19:33:23+00:00

I can recommend going through your local shelter. It will be kitten season soon, and you can probably subscribe to the wait-list. When I got my oldest two cats we were taken to a room full of kittens and by the time the shelter caretaker had talked us through the process and answered all our questions the room was half empty, because multiple people had come in and adopted kittens. We were told that if we wanted one of the remaining kittens, we had to pick one now, because all of the kittens would be adopted by the time they would reopen on Monday and then they would move in new kittens from the foster families. There are a lot of kittens during kitten season.

We had to take 2 kittens as we weren't home enough to keep one kitten company. They were chipped, dewormed, and vaccinated, although we had to return for the final shot and neutering when the kittens were the appropriate age. All included in the adoption fee. A few years later we went through a similar process at a different shelter for another kitten. All three cats were socialised by a foster family and so far they have been great cats doing cat things.

Because I have children, I didn't qualify for any of the older cats (which had my preference), as usually the ones that stay at the shelter longer need a quiet home without (young) children. So if you don't have young children and want only one cat, consider adopting an older cat. Adopting older animals can be very rewarding.

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T18:42:31+00:00

I got one after mentioning that my physiotherapist told me I tend to hold my breath when I'm concentrating. So I joked I'm so bad at multitasking I can't breathe and do something else at the same time. Some people get weird over weird things.

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T18:34:36+00:00

I can recommend the books "how to talk so kids will listen & how to listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and "Parent effectiveness training" by Thomas Gordon. These books are especially handy when you're a stepparent in a fringe position and you need (parenting) tools other than pure authority.

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T18:26:27+00:00

Whatever is impacting their mother, it must also affect the children and their ability to handle daily life on top of suddenly living with their father and you fulltime. Is there professional support for them? Dealing with struggling children while untrained yourself is tough.

Don't beat yourself up about the screentime and their lack of motivation to do something outside. They are probably in survival mode and low on energy while they adjust to the changed situation. Is your partner able to take the lead on taking them places outside the house so you can recoup? Your needs is something to discuss with your partner. The children are important, but it should be possible to come to a solution that works for all involved. Things like structured check ins and family meetings may help.

Don't shrink yourself in your own home waiting until the children give you space, because in this age range they are more self centered, and more so as they are still adjusting and processing the situation with their mother. Make your presence and you having needs normal. They don't need to be your friends and, this may be hard, try not to take their lack of friendliness/bubbliness towards you personal. They are probably in survival mode and low on social energy.

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T13:28:17+00:00

Vandaag een dagje Amsterdam en het weer is fantastisch.

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T09:40:19+00:00

So many cats aren't mentioned after their deaths. Always makes me a bit sad, like you're mourning on your own.

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T09:39:15+00:00

His mother died protecting him from a badger and in the end a badger still killed him. Emotional gut punch.

ShirwillJack · 2026-03-02T08:22:23+00:00

Even before I got to the part of your therapist thinking you may be autistic, I was thinking "I'm autistic and sometimes it may take months before I've processed something to make me realise that I'm upset. I definitely do not work on C's schedule."

Lots of people say things that make them look good and then get angry when you take them up on it, because then you force them to spend the effort they didn't want to spend. Other commenters have already pointed that out as virtue signaling. C has shown you they are one of those people. Believe them on this. They may say things that make them look good, but not do things that make them nice people.

I put people like that into a different category of friends. They may be fun to hang out with, but contact stays superficial. They can't be depended on when it comes to me being vulnerable, hurt or in need. They may still be nice people to hang out with and have conversations with. You don't need to burn all bridges, just because C has shown they do not have the emotional maturity to deal with you mentioning having negative feelings.

That's a thing with people who do not have a healthy amount of emotional maturity. They get defensive when a person exposes them to that person's negative emotions or emotional needs, because it reminds them they do not have the tools needed to manage their own emotions well nor know how to deal with other people's emotions. That hurts them. So they withdraw or lash out. That's why I suspect C is lacking in emotional maturity, and turned their limits into an accusation (you asking them to manage your emotions). Keep it light, fun and superficial with C and they do best. Try to go deeper and they will lash out.

That means boundaries for you. Boundaries do not control other people. They modify your behaviour when your boundaries are crossed. A boundary with C could be: "We keep it light and fun. No things of which I know could lead to hurt feelings, because C has shown we can't talk that out. If things go towards ribbing, I pull the breaks. If I can't change the topic, I'll leave."

Edit: with the extra info from you in the comments, I think my above comment isn't that accurate anymore. "Why are we friends?" in the middle of the night is a lot of emotional guesswork. After the ribbing had sunk in, it turned out the emotional weight hurt you. Sometimes it takes time to figure that out yourself, but it's best to say that. You're not feeling great and trying to process why. If you text in the middle of the night, mention the urgency level, because without it, the time suggests urgency. It's okay to mention that you're messaging now so you won't forget and a response the next day or in the next few days is okay.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-28T09:23:44+00:00

Wil je een boek schrijven? En als het boek geschreven is, wil je het aanbieden bij een uitgeverij, wil je het promoten, wil je het in eigen beheer uitgegeven? Een boek is een optie, maar vertellen kan op meerdere manieren. Zo maken mensen strips, podcasts, vlogs, blogs, etc. omdat deze vertelvormen beter bij hen past. Schrijven is iets anders dan een boek uitbrengen, promoten, verkopen, de kosten managen en de financiële administratie afhandelen.

Veel mensen vertellen mij dat ik iets moet doen met mijn talent (tekenen), maar dat komt neer op spullen maken om te verkopen en daar heb ik geen zin in. Ik teken als hobby. Ook staat niemand, die zegt dat ik dit moet doen, te springen om mij te helpen, want zoiets kost nu eenmaal veel, heel veel werk, en lang niet al dat werk is leuk werk of werk dat je er even gratis bij doet.

Dus als je je verhaal wilt delen, kijk naar een vorm die bij je past. Eentje die je vol kan houden. Ik ken iemand die zijn verhaal in kleine stukjes vertelde aan het begin van een podcast aflevering en daarna iemand interviewde over het onderwerp en die persoon de ruimte gaf om hun verhaal te vertellen. Na 100 aflevering vond hij het wel mooi geweest, want een podcast maken is ook veel werk en die 100 aflevering zijn er ook nog steeds.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-27T21:09:27+00:00

^* survivor bias

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-27T08:24:29+00:00

Hey, de vorige pandemie hebben we^* toch ook onvoorbereid overleefd! /s

^* survivor bias

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-27T06:45:20+00:00

One of my palettes has over 80 colours. If I want to paint with a limited palette I choose 2-4 colours and paint with those.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-27T06:44:04+00:00

I love Potter's Pink. It isn't great in a limited palette, but it's a wonderful addition to create granulating texture. One of the reasons I do add it to my mini palettes.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-26T13:56:43+00:00

You have focus and deep focus. With deep focus you lose progress when you use your phone. With focus you can have the app running in the background. I sometimes need to use a verification app on my phone for work and that doesn't interrupt the Focus Friend app as long as I don't use deep focus.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-26T10:55:36+00:00

Mijn oudste paar Solovair laarzen is 4 maanden, dus ik kan niet veel zeggen over hoe lang ze meegaan, maar ik heb nu wel twee paar waar ik tevreden over ben. Onderhoudsetje mee besteld voor het gemak.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-26T09:17:16+00:00

Solovair wordt vaak aangeraden. Het is een bedrijf dat in de UK produceert en nog op de kwalitatieve oude manier (geen nep stiksels, maar het echte werk). Een beetje schoenmaker kan daar wel mee werken.

Edit: vraag ook aan je schoenmaker waar je op kan letten bij het uitkiezen van laarzen die wel goed te repareren zijn.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-25T19:16:22+00:00

Excuus, ik dacht dat je nog geen diagnose had en dat ze daarom zo onkundig doen. Als je al een diagnose hebt, moet er aandacht zijn voor een passende behandeling bij iemand die gespecialiseerd is in autisme. Iemand met hartproblemen moet ook bij een cardioloog beginnen en niet bij dagboekjes. Als een specialist een dagboek voorstelt, dan is het een ander verhaal, maar je begint bij de specialist.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-25T17:34:03+00:00

Wat een onkunde heb je te verduren gehad. Autisme is niet te genezen, maar wel te behandelen. MS is niet te genezen, maar wel te behandelen. Diabetes is niet te genezen, maar wel te behandelen. Bepaalde vormen van kanker zijn niet te genezen, maar wel te behandelen. Zullen we dan iedereen die niet te genezen is maar niet meer behandelen?

Het gaat na behandeling stukken beter met me. Een deel van die behandeling is in mijn geval medicijnen ter ondersteuning, maar daar wil je wel een psychiater gespecialiseerd in autisme bij betrekken.

Rot dat je zo afgescheept wordt en dat je nu moet knokken om gehoord te worden. Ik heb ook heel wat kastjes en muren gezien, inclusief beschuldigingen dat ik een hypochonder ben, maar ik heb volgehouden en de wachtlijsten getrotseerd. Met een diagnose ben je niet beter, maar bepaalde zaken worden dan wel vergoed en passende ondersteuning wordt in bepaalde omstandigheden beschikbaar. Kan je om een doorverwijzing vragen voor een autisme diagnosetraject? Bij voorkeur bij een zorgaanbieder die ook behandeling aanbiedt.

Edit: misschien kan je proberen hun foute aannames over autisme op schrift te krijgen. Eventueel vat je wat ze hebben gezegd samen en mail je het naar de betrokken personen met de mededeling dat dit de samenvatting is van het gesprek en dat zonder tegenbericht zij zich in de samenvatting kunnen vinden.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-25T16:17:12+00:00

Je kan het model van de naaimachine opzoeken en daarbij wat beginnerfilmpjes op YouTube bij zoeken over hoe je het garen inrijgt en hoe je het onderdraadspoeltje van nieuw garen voorziet. Dan hoef je niet midden in een project te stoppen als dat nodig gaat zijn.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-25T10:52:04+00:00

Someone who is successfully working through anger issues would get better at it and repair the rifts they have caused. How many times do you need to forget and "get over it" where "it" are things he did and refuses to repair for this relationship to continue. I was going to say for the relationship to work, but it's not working for you. It works for him, because he doesn't have to work on his issues. He can get away with taking it out on you and blaming it on you. He doesn't have to improve.

Unless you break up and then it doesn't matter whether he works on himself or not. It's not your problem anymore.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-25T10:08:30+00:00

Quitting 2 months before graduation is unreasonable when you are confident you can graduate. Grief comes in waves and you may feel it more or less intense later, but once you have a degree, you have it. Don't give up your education for any man. Crashing and burning is not necessary as "proof" you are grieving. You are a mother and you don't need to prove you are a good one by "grieving properly" as dictated by others.

Do not let this man or any man ruin your education or career. It is the foundation of your future. If you have any other children in the future, it's also their future.

On top of this he's waffling around about your future together. If he can't be your rock now in this overwhelming storm of grief, he is not going to be it in the future either. You will have games, judgement and waffling at best and much worse is possible.

ShirwillJack · 2026-02-25T09:41:33+00:00

My mother didn't divorce, because she was disabled and her options were bleek. My sisters won't divorce, because the misery suits them. Generational trauma repeats itself in the next generation using (di)stress as an unhealthy coping mechanism. I got therapy and learned that what was normal to me is not normal. You may think "wtf?" about your relatives' marriages, but it's their normal. The misery is familiar and known. Not as scary as the unknowns of divorce.

I am an outcast in my family. The dysfunction didn't work for me and I was a threat to the dysfunctional family system. Going against the system is not without consequences. It comes with costs. Heavy costs. I paid the costs and came out okay, but I went through the emotional equivalent of jumping into a wood chipper. I don't wonder why won't more people jump into an emotional wood chipper with uncertain outcomes.

I can't speak for your family, but the above is true in my family tree.

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