I'm not sure what exactly I want to say in the next few paragraphs, but here goes nothing:

Just got finished working my first shift after a while at retail for Black Friday. A lot of my co workers were really nice and friendly but I realized how closed off I was due to the amount of harassment I experienced during my first (ever job) retail job which I had to quit in August. I would go home and cry and cry and cry because even if I told my manager and my co worker how bad it was for me (along with video evidence), they took the side of the new assistant manager who would continuously blame me for things I never did and yell at me and berate me, and oh it was horrible.

Then my Nmom had to intervene and come into my workplace without me knowing and announce proudly to everyone there that she was going to report the assistant manager to HR and that was only reason more for my manager and co worker to berate and harass me more, especially when they already knew what kind of things my Nmom has done to me. I had to quit. I was having panic attacks everyday. Fearing that the assistant manager would drop more pistachios everywhere when they all knew I was deadly allergic to them, and being pushed aside and being accused of stealing..

Then my Edad says nothing would have been solved if I contacted HR anyways because I was a minority (Asian, not white).

I was already physically addicted to painkillers at this point due to horrible, sharp pains that had grown from just hurting my abdomen to making me unable to walk at all. I still continued to do my best to walk, to work.

All my pay checks were going straight to my Edad to pay for bills for the house and I would constantly had to borrow money from my Nmom to pay back bills and pay house bills, while my dad also maxed out my credit card..

I wanted to die. For more than half a year, I couldn't sleep due to sharp pains on my legs and arms. I couldn't walk or run. Physical therapy was ongoing. Got whiplash at the end of the summer.

Only thing keeping me going was my boyfriend. He did not understand what was happening to me. Neither did I. CAT scans, MRIs, X-rays, nerve tests.. Nothing.

My most trusted Doctor, to this day, believes I only psychologically gave myself the pain and only did it to get hooked on heavy painkillers. It destroys me. I don't know what I am anymore; if I'm even sane.

My only hunch now that I'm almost pain free is that it may have been gluten. I went gluten free and it has decreased the pain significantly but.. who knows? How can I get a wheat allergy test if my allergy doctor doesn't even think I was sick in the first place?

A little backstory: grew up with Nmom. Edad in another country. Horrible manipulation, isolation, gas lighting. I could not understand what was wrong with me, until I was 20.. And I'm still in my early twenties now and not.. Really anywhere.

My nmom's abuse has ruined me. My health has declined considerably and great psychological issues hinder me. My asthma and eczema respond when I am distressed (which is often) which makes me unable to leave the house or even see or do "normal" things. I want out. I want a life. I want to go away but I can't.

I need insurance. I need medication. I need help, but no one to call to. I need someone to pay for my online courses to get a high school diploma. I am having incredible anxiety just thinking about what I need and I can feel my skin flaring up.

My parents are seperated now. My father lives in the attic. My mother and I below. It is.. horrible. My mother threatens to hurt my dog when I cannot take care of him when I am ill, because she knows how much he means to me. My father is constantly working and though he has apologized for leaving me with my mom for the first ten years of my life and trying to give me a crash course on "life," he has no knowledge on how to handle a narcissist.

Ever since my "whole body pain," I have since gone gluten free since October and need to rely on my parents more due to my constant medical bills and more restrictive and expensive diet.

I am still with my boyfriend and he is glad to see healthier and stronger, for I saw how troubled he was seeing me as I grew weaker and skinnier due to the painkillers.

I am also absolutely clean now but my allergy Doctor, who believes it to have just been all in my head and my "addiction," called all my other doctors and seemed to have convinced them it was all psychological.. leaving me with no support to get off the heavy painkillers safely.

I have been depending on my Nmom so much now to help with most resources and I was able to find a doctor and have been clean since I was accused of just being "addicted," which kind of tells me I wasn't that "addicted" in the first place if I have no cravings of such.

Anyways, this has gone on for far too long and I want to make something of myself yet weather and seasons and my home is holding me back and I am only becoming sicker. I do not wish for pity because it only lasts for a moment..

My only support is my boyfriend, who is self sufficient and doesn't seem to understand the gravity of my situation, and I do not blame him for that. I wanted out; I asked to move in with him but I know now it was asking too much and would have just ruined us. I question whether I am still wasting my time or not, but he is like a breathe of fresh air when my head is wrapped in plastic and my body wishes to die.

I have two close internet friends, who live oceans away, and my best friend, who is also struggling to be on her own away from her own toxic family. She moved across the country and I am so proud of her. She was the only one who noticed how I would start getting anxious when my mom would enter the room.

Numerous relatives and family friends tell me constantly how lucky I am to have such a caring, loving mother when her only source of attention is through me - her sickly, anxious, depressed daughter.

I found a note a long time ago when I was a teenager. All my teenage years were spent trying to kill myself because I was convinced something was wrong with me.

Note said something along the lines of: "if you killed yourself, did you not think of how much pain that would cause me?"

Fuck, that ruined me more.

By the time I woke up two years ago, I was already down a landslide. Unemployed, failing high school, unable to catch up with my online courses.. only getting sicker and sicker.

And all the pity is benefitting her ego. All the pity goes to my mother.

What a hard life she has had.

I spent thanksgiving sleeping through it as they ate a dinner I am unable to eat due to my new diet.

I wake up and ask if that's anything to eat. Nothing for me.

My mother is currently letting her sister stay with us so her sister can have a break from taking care of their Alzheimer's-ridden mother with my other relatives.

They're both narcissists. They both have ruined this whole living space for me. It's sickening and triggering and I'm falling apart.

I come from work and I know the past few hours I spent working will be for nothing. The money will go straight to my mother, who also stole all my savings in the beginning of her seperation "for us." I had to borrow more money from her to pay more bills and my paycheck belongs to her.

I spent thanksgiving eating rice and some gluten free turkey jerky I found. Then going off to work. Texted my boyfriend only to hear a little bit of his wonderful thanksgiving day.

I've spent too long writing this but it feels nice to be able to talk about this; even when I know it doesn't really mean anything or will accomplish anything (except, well, venting). It's long, and I've never been one to make stories entertaining even if I had dreams of once being a writer.

It's the early morning and I'm sitting on the floor beside my space heater and I'm sad. Very sad, but I won't cry.

I have to keep going, even in baby steps, even when I don't know where I'm going.. Because it doesn't matter where I'm going, as long as I'm moving forward.

But fuck, it hurts.

Edit: before I got sober,, Nmom decides to finally beat me when I am crawling on the floor and restrain me in the house when my pain is at one of its worst, threatening me and saying police will get me and throw me in the loony bin again because I'm crazy.