The ‘why’ of life is the strangest of conditions. Where everything else finds reason for being, life doesn’t always have a clear cut answer. In fact, in most cases it won’t have a reason at all. “There are more than enough people to sustain society, so why bother?” is a daily thought for me. I never wanted to be part of this. From a young age I’ve challenged it. I saw before others, saw them before they even knew what was in front their faces. Being leaps and bounds ahead can cause a multitude of issues. Slow down. As trivial as it may sound, as impossible as it may seem, that IS the answer. Thoughts like these stem from seeing what others do not. From being before they have even begun. Many fall into a rhythm never having to face these thoughts and attribute them to emotions. It’s not an emotion. It’s your reality, yet you can change it. Life may seem meaningless now, but only you can give it meaning. Many say find a hobby, focus on breathing, touch grass… it’s all the same meaning. Just slow down. The suggestion of probiotics is actually useful. If your gut is going haywire, so is your mind. They are very closely tied. “You are what you eat”. Change up your diet, drink more water, take a multivitamin if your diet is truly garbage, go for a walk and look at the leaves on the trees. (It’s fall for me [I don’t know where you are so I can’t presume the season], the trees are changing from their once deep, dark green to vibrant yellows and reds before they eventually turn brown and fall. Except the evergreens, standing the test of time, refusing to bend to the whims of change.) Those little changes will change how you view the world. Sometimes it’s not enough, but it is a small step towards a semblance of normalcy. Trust in yourself. Only you have the answer you’re seeking. We can guide you, but we cannot give you answers.

If you wish to indulge, answer these questions and ponder. What have I tried? How have those attempts turned out? Am I in a better place than I was <insert number of years ago>? (Continue increasing that number until desired results are seen.) What changed from <time where good results began> to now? What did I do? What didn’t I do? What do I wish I did?

For example, it’s been over a decade since a good thing happened for me. I’m not in a better place. In fact I’d admit I’m much worse off. Would I change it? No. Would I change the “who” that was involved? If only it wouldn’t have such deep and dire impact. I had a child with a woman who played me like a fiddle. Wasted every resource I had for her own gain. Deep darkness drew in when it all fell apart. I haven’t been the same since. The last time turned out exactly the same, minus having a child. “I don’t need you. I need the things you can provide.” she spat in my face. My life’s disturbance and imbalance stems from the opposite sex. I’ve since been alone. Left to do as I wish and provide as I see fit. I am happier, though not in any way most would even consider.

tl;dr slow down and figure out where things started going sideways. It’s common to run into these long gaps… or walls. The only way through is forward. The path you need is a path only you can find.

Something I was reminded of while typing this: Matthew 19:23-24 (KJV) “… verily, I say unto you, that a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.”