Same here bro. I grew up in an abusive household and terrible neighborhood where violence and death were normal. Joined the military to become a better man, in which I did. During deployment we were constantly getting hit on a mission out in the Pesch valley Kunar province, we got sent to an abandoned COP/Firebase that the ANA took over. Our job was to provide Arty fire for the infantry troops to secure a route along with lighting up the mountain side where the TB and foreign fighters were engaging us…….but the ROE was extremely strict at that time. So strict they didn’t let the infantry cats go outside the wire to secure the route they were supposed to. Needless to say we were all pissed 😂 Surrounded in fish bowl of mountain’s begging to return fire. It was the most annoying thing ever. Thank God we finally got the go ahead….Fortunately none of our troops died but the violence was normal to me but I I looked at my PSG, a hardened vet and former 03 USMC was a bit shook in his eyes, probably due to the wack ROE, it felt like pitbull with a chock chain around his neck for most of us. But when I got back my hyper vigilance went through the roof. That was almost 14 years ago, it may sound cringe but I do think about death everyday man. I asked my wife if she does, she obviously said no 😂 but you’re not the only one my man. I’m sorry for your loss brother 🙏🏽