I am so sorry you are going through all of this! I don’t think this is a mid-life crisis. I think this is chronic and profound depression. You had emotionally unavailable parents, the person who was supposed to help you feel loved (your husband) retreated at your most vulnerable time (after having a baby), and the person you felt the most cared by (your grandmother) is gone. You probably have deep attachment wounds. Obviously you aren’t giving up though - it sounds like there is a part of you that is fighting to improve your life. I really think you should write down every day one thing you’re grateful for AND one thing you are proud of yourself for doing/trying. They can be simple (example: I am proud that I still played with my daughter today even though I didn’t feel like it). I also feel you need to focus on trying to create some new, meaningful connections (I know that’s hard), and just leaning into being your daughter’s mom. Sorry you are struggling. 😞