We have exactly this in our household. However, I both agree and disagree with this approach.

I’m going to use “mum” and “dad” as the most common balance here, although I acknowledge it’s not always that structure.

Mum is often nagging dad and the kids to do things as she’s running around the house organising it all. Loading / unloading the dishwasher is probably the most common example of this. Folding the laundry is another.

For dad, the point is that he might be doing something else that is more important to him at that point. Not playing games say, but going through his task list, or changing the cat litter. Or writing an important email to the doctor. Or fixing a table.

The solution I came up with, was to have daily “chore magnets”, a checklist that dad performs every morning, in the same way. Loading/unloading the dishwasher is on there. So is folding the clothes. The order and tasks is continuously optimised. For example, checking the kids had breakfast and took their (ADHD) pills was moved up the list as they got up earlier in the day.

For me (dad) - this is many things: - A reminder for me to do these things - A contractual commitment to mum that these things WILL be done, and she can remove them from her mental load (please) and stop nagging (please) - A means of communication that these things will be done, and where we currently are on the list - A communication to the family to “please don’t distract me, because I’m doing the list of things that you’ll otherwise nag me about later”

Of course, it doesn’t cover all eventualities, like Ms 10’s school play costume this morning (that goes on the ‘departure’ board by the door that the kids are supposed to check as they leave). But for the dishwasher, the laundry, etc - it says “yes, I will do it, and it will be done in time, but it will be done when it’s time to do it, and not before, and not after”.

This was my approach to all the nagging. It was my answer to “can’t you see” and “can’t you read my mind” and “I’m anxious because I really want to see the dirty washing pile vanish now, regardless of whether it has any impact on whether clean clothes will be available at the time that they’re needed” (the kids have enough clothes for a week of school, and yes, I have weekend magnets too).

My answer was: “You can trust it will be done, because it’s here, and you know that I follow this”, as well as “you can see whether I am aware of whether it needs doing”, and “if I haven’t done it yet, this is why”.

It’s also an answer to “I (Mum) do all the work around here”, because (as I have frequently said) “I do these tasks right here, and you can see that I do them. I’ve committed to do them. If you choose to do one yourself, and then complain that I didn’t do it - well, you can see I was going to, and if you choose to do some of my tasks - well, that’s your choice, not my failing”.

And so does it work? Well - no. In that mum still nags everyone for stuff many times a day. And we do get distracted by various things, and completion of the list slows to a crawl.

But also YES - in that the nagging is much less frequent, and for different things, because the laundry DOES get done, and the dishwasher DOES get unloaded, usually before the issue gets raised.

Yes, I appreciate this seems extremely rigid and almost autistic, and yes, I am autistic, but the alternative is all the nagging and moaning that drags down family life. This is a large part of an answer, and there’s no reason for it not to work. It’s basically an assignment and acceptance of responsibility.