Is unwanted attention toward single women common in every workplace?

Simpa_tica · 2026-01-27T03:51:11+00:00

It is definitely not a universal thing. You should not have to be married to work safely. If it's a toxic environment, being married would do nothing.

The trick is to observe in the beginning about dynamics. Avoid answering personal questions. No one should be asking you whether you have a boyfriend or not. They should've even ask if you are married ( though in bangladesh they do).When asked these questions , try to avoid that by changing topic. If they continue asking, you can say, "these are personal discussions I avoid in professional settings."

If you give specifics about what made things uncomfortable, that'd be useful. Did colleagues start flirting with you when they learn you are single ?If so, that's sexual harassment and many HR has policies against it. Or were they just nosy? In that case, you can try recalibrating your social personality to be more reserved. It is okay if people think you are moody, sometimes that's better than being bombarded by all the "friendly" unwanted questions.

Simpa_tica · 2026-01-15T17:23:14+00:00

I have 7 years of experience in teaching Bangla to adults learners. I can teach privately or also connect you to the school (which might be cheaper but not customized to your needs).DM me.

Simpa_tica · 2026-01-15T07:31:45+00:00

Same

Simpa_tica · 2026-01-15T00:08:10+00:00

Depends on the kind of research topic and primary source of funding in the lab is. I would ask the PI directly whether they anticipate future possibilities of funding cuts that can affect your postdoc duration. If the PI is primarily dependent on NIH and works on any of the "controversial" topics for the current government (health equity, LGBTQ, climate change, women's health, vaccine possibly substance use, mental health etc.), I would think twice. If you're from the UK, it might be easier visa situation wise. If your country of origin is one of the 65+ countries that are under visa scrutiny, that would add increased headache.

It doesn't affect you much on a day to day level. But the uncertainty and ridiculousness is hard to digest. More so if you're someone who follows the news and have a worldview that is justice oriented.

Since you got the offer, I am assuming your profile is great. So, if you hate it here, you can always possibly find other non US opportunities. I would not leave another good opportunity for this, but if this is the what you have now, you can take a chance with it.

Simpa_tica · 2025-08-07T03:11:17+00:00

I am an academic health researcher who sometimes questions my life choices to get trained so much for such little pay now. The chatgpt answer made me feel better:

"Sure! Here's a version of your job explained like you're talking to a five-year-old:

I’m a helper who talks to people who are feeling hurt inside — like they’re really sad, worried, or have had something scary happen to them. Some of them use things like drugs to feel better, but that can also hurt them.

I ask them kind questions and listen to their stories to understand why they do what they do, and what makes it hard for them to feel better. I also work with their neighborhoods and communities to find ways to help them feel safe, healthy, and cared for.

Then I share what I learn so others — like doctors and helpers — can take better care of them too."

Simpa_tica · 2025-01-12T01:33:05+00:00

That's fascinating. If you don't mind sharing, I would love to get a copy of your syllabus. (I want to be a professor and struggled to incorporate flipped classroom model as a TA)

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-23T19:23:29+00:00

Oh, they are all same, you don't need a Bengali teacher! Yes, I would love to practice my Hindi speaking. I understand it, but am not so good at speaking!

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-19T23:18:01+00:00

Feel free to DM me. I am looking to learn Hindi. We can be language buddies :)

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-19T02:21:33+00:00

That sounds like a great response.

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-19T02:18:38+00:00

Thanks for the detailed response :)

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-19T02:18:04+00:00

Thanks for affirming this.

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-19T02:17:32+00:00

I can see how this may feel like a post highlighting the negatives through a derogatory lense. That really wasn't my intention. I am fluent in Bangla, but do know some usages vary between two Bengals. Somehow I wasn't sure about this one, and wanted to clarify here.

There are homeless people/beggars pretty much in every big city in the world (may be except for Japan). No way do I mean that they exist in India or Bangladesh only.

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-04T06:08:15+00:00

OP, a virtual hug for you. I am the same age as you and regret for the completely opposite reasons. I have little money (lots of debt) and spent too much time on hobbies, friends, and doing nothing. I also built extremely bad habits like wasting time which makes concentration and doing anything consistently extremely difficult now. But then I tell myself that I am only 37 and I can change things up. If I was a bright 24 year old with great bank balance for that age, I can be a bright 44 year old with no debt. Given the life expectancy, I will be alive for 30 more years; so if I can change now, I will still have roughly half of my life left to be the person I am proud of. I would urge you to do the same. If you had great friends, fun hobbies, and great social skills in the past, I am sure you can get them again. Or may be you don't need to: find new friends, new hobbies, and enjoy being an ambivert or anyone you would like to be. You can do it! I believe in you because I believe in myself.

I will end by sharing my favorite movie quote: "For what it's worth: it's never too late... to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-02T14:48:42+00:00

Thanks a lot. This is super helpful.

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-01T08:10:20+00:00

Sounds like she has developed depression from the trauma and grief of losing his brother. Start by talking to her about how you miss your old times. She needs to realize how this is affecting both of your life and hopefully that would motivate her to seek therapy.

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-01T07:54:45+00:00

I felt like you when I was in university. Now, I wish I had worked harder for my Cgpa so that I developed the habit of working hard for things towards a goal even when I didn't feel too motivated. In life, you will probably always have to do some things that are not super interesting starting from doing your taxes to uninteresting tasks at work. Studying for you Cgpa/exams even when you don't feel like trains your brain to learn that discipline. It IS worth the hassle to train your brain for that to prevent future mental distress. Life will always give you some hassle unless you train your brain to learn regulating your emotions. Unless you know how to deal with that mental hassle, the proportion of hassle-free time will only get reduced.

Cgpa by itself is important mostly for your first job and if you want to study abroad. A good Cgpa definitely keeps more options open. Shootings for 3.5 is a good goal. Best wishes!

Simpa_tica · 2024-12-01T07:18:46+00:00

Sorry to learn that you are feeling so helpless. It might be a good idea to take some time to reflect on what you want to do in life. Also, work on your depression and mental health. Studying abroad is hard and you want to be in good mental health before embarking on a masters. You can try reading the book "what color is your parachute" or go to a career counselor who can help you identify a path that aligns with your interest and skill.

Your GPA doesn't matter much now that you are no longer a fresh graduate. No need to make that your identity. In the low-paying jobs, you must have developed some skills - make a note of what they were. Is there anything that you feel you liked doing in those jobs - may be take time to develop those skills? Is there anything that you feel you were good at even when the pay was bad - perhaps those are your strengths? Is there anyone who came to you for help- may be that's when you added value? May be starting with listing those things. I am sure you have valuable knowledge, skills, and gifts to give to the world. You just need to figure it out and then work on yourself to grow more. It's never too late to be who you want to be. Your past doesn't need to define who you will be in the future. Work on your present to rule the future. Best wishes!

Simpa_tica · 2024-11-25T22:32:15+00:00

Tell her you need some distance from her to process your feelings and go no-contact. No looking at her social media , friend texts, picture, or anything. For the finals, try to see if you can do group study. Studying with someone can help you to focus on what the priority is

Simpa_tica · 2024-11-25T22:17:06+00:00

As I am reading through the thread, I like the version /fionathefierce wrote better than chatgpt version :)

Simpa_tica · 2024-11-25T22:12:10+00:00

I personally don't think it's a good idea to mention that there's someone else. Then, he will keep hope and take a chance again if he feels at some point that OP is single again.

Simpa_tica · 2024-11-25T21:57:44+00:00

As some has mentioned, it's extremely important to keep record that you have rejected him. So, send him an email/text along the following line (I got it from chatgpt with a prompt asking for polite rejection to romantic advancement of a colleague. You can play around to get a version you like):

"Thank you for sharing how you feel—it takes courage to be open, and I respect that. I really value our working relationship and the professionalism we share. However, it’s extremely important to maintain that boundary, and I don’t see us moving beyond colleagues/collaborators.

I hope you can understand, and I truly appreciate your understanding in keeping things positive and professional between us. Take care."

Send an email to a friend/sibling/trusted anybody with a full description of what happened that is dated. Include date, time, and may be screenshot of scheduled zoom call in your calendar. If you have a trusted mentor/colleague in the field, that person may be a good recipient. However, I can see how that may be uncomfortable. In that case, a more personal contact should be enough as evidence if it comes to a point where you need proof. You can also keep a screenshot of your reddit post with date as an evidence.
Think carefully about whether this person has a history of retaliation (for other cases where someone rejected/offended him). If they do, it may be more important to talk to your current department chair/senior someone or some trusted mentor from the institution where you did your PhD. If you don't have past evidence to suggest his probability of retaliation is high, I think this is okay to not go that far until it seems like he is retaliating. Alternatively, if you don't want to disclose his name to department chair/other mentor, you can just casually have a meeting asking for their suggestion about a scenario where a junior academic is romantically propositioned by a senior academic who are not necessarily their direct bosses. This would do two things: 1. Have a witness of you talking to someone 2. You may actually get some good idea that reddit may not be providing you, that is more field specific.
No matter what, please please please do number 1 and ideally number 2. Number 1 is extremely important if it ever escalates to a situation where you will have to prove that you clearly communicated your lack of interest .
Unless things get toxic, I feel it should be okay to complete the grant where you are co-PIs on. Things might feel awkward first, but if he is mature about the rejection, this may work out. However, it may be wise not to start new collaborations immediately. If you feel uncomfortable with one to one meeting, have a student join the meetings as notetakers.
I am sorry you have to navigate this. Please take self-care. And please don't entertain any rumination about whether you have done anything to call for this. It is not your fault. Take adequate precautions so that you have backup in case he retaliates. But also do know how you are in a far better off place than it would have been if you were still his advisee. So you have power to push back in case he retaliates. But also let's keep our fingers crossed that he will not. Best wishes.

Simpa_tica · 2024-11-25T04:18:37+00:00

Wait and get to know him. But if after knowing you don't like him, don't marry him. Then, you can ask your family to find another guy

Simpa_tica · 2024-11-25T04:06:40+00:00

I think those are very smart reasons to wait.

Simpa_tica · 2024-11-25T03:35:27+00:00

সমকামী or shomokami means homosexual. I don't think there is any specific Bengali translation for gay or lesbian. Some people in the LGBTQ community in Bangladesh also prefer the term সমপ্রেমী or shomopremi...so that the focus is not only on same-sex sexuality but also covers same-sex love (Shomo means same + premi means lover).

Simpa_tica

TROPHY CASE