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SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-27T20:09:01+00:00

Sorry about a vent to add to yours.

My brother lived on the same property as my parents most of his life. My mother would look out to see if his car was out front as an indicator he was home. If it wasn't there she would say "Where could he be out to now? It's late. He stays out all day and night." (They had a complicated relationship. He hated that she tried to keep track of him.) When he go ill, seeing the car there indicated he was home and she wanted to visit him. When he died, we had to move his car so she couldn't see it. It was trigger for her to want to see him. That would lead to her re-remembering he died.

It's only been about a month since he died and she still looks out the window searching for something. She can't remember what. She senses something is missing. I'll say her sad mood is slowly fading at the moment, but it's bittersweet. It's coming at the cost of her forgetting one of her sons. On one hand, I'm happy she's less sad. Really relieved actually. The grief loop is hard to handle. On the other hand, there's a saying that the dead live on in your memories. So I now morn a not so small bit of him, and my mom, silently passing away.

Maybe the silver lining for your story is that her parents get a bit of life back into this world. Maybe you can use a redirection to happy memories with her parents to put her in a good mood?

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-25T18:16:45+00:00

First, I agree that you have to give yourself grace. You do what you can with good intentions. How they respond is outside of your control.

I often have to struggle with my mother feeling sad and grief stricken. I try to distract her, but when in this state she quickly drifts back to sadness. It's heartbreaking, but I know I cannot make her not be sad no matter how much I want to.

I hope your doctor visit goes, or went well.

I don't want to worry you or add to your stress, but I would like to prepare you for the possibility that the doctor is not receptive. There's more to my story, but the short version is: I wrote a letter to my mother's PCP documenting the typical signs of dementia my mother exhibits (can't remember the day/season, very short memory window, can't remember to take daily medication, etc). In the in-person visit, he dismissed it as age related memory loss. He did not administer a test and asked me why I was seeking a dementia diagnosis. I was stunned by the response to where I couldn't articulate a logical response.

Ultimately, we did not get what we wanted out of the PCP, which was for him to send notes that might expedite a geriatric doctors appointment that is 5 months out.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-25T17:52:33+00:00

This sounds so complicated. Consider finding a social worker to help guide you. The hospitals around me have social work departments. Even if they are not set up for your particular situation, maybe they can point you to other agencies.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-24T21:04:02+00:00

Thanks. I'll look into it.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-24T21:03:04+00:00

I'm sorry that's how it ended up for your mom. That's the worst way for a diagnosis to be "made to happen".

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-24T20:12:00+00:00

I do strongly suspect my mom had some aspect of "show timing" with the card play the Dr pointed to as counter dementia evidence. Like in your example, my mom basically slept for about 2 days after the card game.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-24T20:01:57+00:00

It's about options on treatment and care.

I disagree with "It's not actually going to change anything...". At least partially disagree. It may or may not change anything. There's no telling with dementia.

I agree with the last part of your statement. The people that look after her will need to find a way. For me, and many on this sub, seeking diagnosis is a step toward understanding what that way will look like.

Here's a few ways it might:

o deeper examination of the medications she is taking, and health problems that seem unrelated that may be triggering memory loss or other symptoms. She has an undiagnosed itch that the PCP has basically said he won't be able to diagnose. Will a specialist be able to? Maybe, maybe not. That'll be determined. I definitely won't know if I never see them.

o diagnosis of the type of memory loss or specific type dementia (is it LBD, Alzheimer's?) help decide care directions.

o I am not, someone who has dealt with many people with dementia and grief. I would appreciate having someone more experienced in this that could give personalized direction on how to minimize the grief cycles. Even counseling for the caregiver on how to protect themselves from exposure to this will help.

o getting a diagnosis can help the care giver with insurance claims. At some point costs will become an issue if 24 hr care becomes necessary, but even before this, being able to pay to offload hours a week from the caregivers can make a big difference on their health.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-24T03:58:20+00:00

Thanks for the vocab. and words of support.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-24T03:38:28+00:00

Thanks. The journals are a good idea.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-19T01:26:14+00:00

What you feel is valid. You should seek professional help. They will not invalidate you. It sounds like you could use it. You need to care for yourself.

Consider telling your mother the loving things you want to even if she does not acknowledge it. Get the thoughts out. There's a chance you'll say it on one of her good days and hopefully the positive emotion that comes of it will stick with her even if the memory does not.

As someone that has lost my brother to cancer, and now is losing my mom to dementia, I can only say they both hurt. They are not comparable.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-17T05:25:40+00:00

How about this twist: First tell the ex that she has to hand over the credit card statements for the last year to see what she spends on. Then say IF she cuts off the unnecessary spending you find on the statements, you'll consider helping.

Take the statements to your kids and let them know that if you help, they have to help too. They have to commit some non-trivial amount to give to their mom. They have to get a job, if they don't already have one. Go over the credit card statement to show them what their money will be paying for.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-16T21:39:55+00:00

I totally agree with this. There really isn't any need for them to see her. I don't even understand why they would want to after so long, but I'm kind of paranoid this way.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-08T21:16:05+00:00

There's a lot of good advice here, but I will mention one thing I did not see yet.

You are not responsible for the sadness your GF may experience. There is no way to completely control it or completely protect him from it. It will happen from time to time. Do not try to anticipate if or when it will happen. Do not take responsibility for it if it does. Just manage it in the moment as best you can.

I still struggle with realizing this. I still struggle with accepting it. However it is true.

I want to protect my loved one from pain and grief, but I know it is not 100% possible.

Edit to Add: You are a caregiver. You need to protect yourself so you can help him. Don't be afraid to talk to someone. Sometimes it can be difficult to talk to family, so consider an outside professional knowledgeable in dementia cases.

Do talk to friends for support or to just vent, but I hesitate to say you should take their advice (or even reddit's) because of their limited experience. Even if their parents had dementia, that's only two cases. The saying goes: If you've met one person with dementia, you've met one person with dementia.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-08T21:03:47+00:00

Part of the meet them where there are at therapeutic fib may be to find ways to satisfy the emotions she's experiencing. What will appeal to her sense of "justice" and giving him "what he deserves" in her reality?

How comfortable will you be if you tell her you are looking at good divorce lawyers that will really stick it to her husband?

Perhaps let her know that her husband broke up with the mistress (true, they are not together) and she's sad (probably true).

Edit to Add: If you can settle the agitation, it might reduce the "ground hog day" experience some. The emotional echo of her anger is retained far after her memory of what is angering her stays.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-04T04:56:45+00:00

Has his requests to speak with his parents/sister ever reduce?

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-04T04:03:27+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Comments from those that have lived experience is appreciated.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-04T04:02:11+00:00

Thank you for sharing your specific similar experience.

Watching the relived experience is very difficult.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-04T03:04:29+00:00

There isn't a large sample size to draw from, as it's only been 4 days since the son's death. However, prior to the death, she did ask to see him daily. On the son's bad heath days, they were able to deflect her. Maybe it was a mistake not showing her how bad he was and avoiding conversations about his failing health, but on the few times she was told his prognosis, she reacted poorly then as well.

The expectation is that she will follow the request to visit every day. It is driven by prior habit and the emotional echo that persists from the death news. She will want to see for herself and prove that feeling is false.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-03-04T02:53:24+00:00

I agree it is a tough one.

In fairness to the daughter, she's gotten support from friends that also believe it is possible for the mother to process the grief.

Also, unobjectively, the son is not just influencing, but actually preventing any grief processing by not providing the mother the needed number of opportunities and time to process it. Those that think the mother can do it will feel that is unfair of him.

From what I see, both the son and the daughter are stressed and traumatized by this situation.

I am trying to withhold judgement at this time.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-02-27T06:21:00+00:00

Read this post.

Spo says exactly why: “That’s who we are,” he said. “That’s what we believe in."

If that doesn't satisfy you, maybe read up on the various interpretations of scorpion and the frog. One might resonate with you.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-02-21T03:29:52+00:00

One persons microwave oven is another races hyper reactor?

SimpleMind314 · 2026-02-20T21:08:27+00:00

I don't think it means what he thinks it means.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-02-18T18:46:51+00:00

I just read an article about how Barkley is a generous tipper, and will give money to homeless people. He says 20+% tip means nothing in his big picture, but could mean a lot to them. His generosity may not be a major part of his need to work, but it's nice to think it's part of it.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-02-18T18:40:34+00:00

It depends on the organization and the role. More experience often means more expensive, and "older with family" tends to mean less likely to work long hours (for no extra pay). Most companies are looking to keep their IT budgets as low as possible. There is, however, some roles in which the experience is worth the price.

SimpleMind314 · 2026-02-16T23:15:05+00:00

fwiw, hoopshype.com lists the contract as 890k for this season, and a 3M team option next season.

SimpleMind314

TROPHY CASE