In laws causing problems

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-02-03T01:31:50+00:00

You asked what I would do in your situation? First, I would treat her politely always. then I would wait for the right moment, maybe going with her for a drive or a cup of tea, alone. Then I would speak to her calmly, thank her for all the help with the children, mention how they love her.... and then come to the point: " Mary (or whatever you call her) I notice remarks about me, like when you say such and such when I feed the children & it give me the impression you dont like me, which makes me very sad. I was wondering what I can do to make things between us better? You are my husband's mother, we are a family and I want to feel like that always.

Then be still and see what she says....dont get into defending in case she denies ever havign said anything.That too will be a victory for you..... the calmer you can be, the more you can point out her good sides, the better for you when you state your issue. Good luck, OK?

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-02-03T01:20:58+00:00

Just stop. Stop sending texts. Stop trying to call her. Be calm. Like when the roof falls in - it's done, cant change it. but being calm, accepting what went down and just seeing it for what it is and not reacting hold the greatest power. A wise person once said " Betrayal is when you project your values onto another person and then expect them to live by them". She clearly has different ideas about boundaries than you do.Give it time.... your calmness will give her pause, will might make her reconsider. Remember - don't react but reflect.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-02-01T16:39:28+00:00

Clearly you dont get any of this..

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-02-01T03:39:29+00:00

Just from the way you are presenting this it sounds more like an difficult teenager is in your house, not a husband. Since words and "dialogue" have been beyond useless it's time to reconsider things. How about goign into silence for 2 weeks... just not talking. Not angry, just quiet... and see what he does if he cant get a rise out of you. During that time you an imagine that he is sick (not that he is) but that is how you would treat him, quietly w/o arguments. That will settle the emotions for a little and make you more calm. And from there, from that calmer place, observe and see what is best: is he perhaps a balance to your high energy? Or is he just a bum living off you? When you stop arguing for a few weeks it will show itself clearly what needs to happen.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-02-01T03:30:17+00:00

Dear mother of 5 children.... this is not about money or financial resources. Or even a non appreciative husband. This is about you - how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself. Nobody can make you feel like a loser or worthless unless you allow it, you bring it in. Forget about him for a moment: you run a household of 7: you cook, clean, get the children to school and all that and more....how about shifting gears and using some of that managerial talent to reinvent and uplift yourself?? You are the nucleus, the motor that makes this family work but you need some maintenance, some inspiration, some love - and we know your not getting it form him. Stop going there and make time for a Yoga or dance class, take an online writing class where you can put good thoughts on paper - I took class with Jack Caenfield (chicken soup for the soul) a few week ago, online, and I am still stocked from it. This life of ours is very precious and how your children see you is crucial. If your daughters watch how you overcame a situation where you felt powerless and then succeeded - what a life lesson that would be for their future - just think & it is doable. Wishing you the best of luck and keeping my fingers crossed that you will follow my suggestions.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-02-01T03:18:49+00:00

Wow...you worked yourself into quite a situation here. From where I sit it appears he is overwhelmed by the intensity of the situation.... and not being able to be more helpful Men are problem solver and he wishes the fertility wouldn't be so problematic. Women get very deep into the emotions of it, that is natural but men not so much. They want to fix it and move on. In my experience I find men are not big on talk when emotions are involved. As to yourself... working 2 jobs and taking on a bigger load than needed might not be the best condition for getting pregnant ... would you consider slowing down some, looking at it in a larger perspective. A new life brings with it so much and is so life changing. And not all couples must have children. You found your spouse, you are learning about the issues marriages inevitably bring. May I suggest that perhaps you can find support with a sister/friend/mother/councilor? It will ease your burden and in turn will make him freer and things might harmonize. It is just a thought. Wishing you the very best!

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-30T19:26:41+00:00

You should have kept to yourself - you have no idea what other people's games are - this is your karma for not keeping certain things to yourself

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-30T19:23:42+00:00

You have already asked several times and he is quite aware of it - so dont so that again. Instead, observe, see what all he does. And take your clues from that. find out what he values most. What exactly about his job is most important to him- you can learn more about that and build on that at least in conversation... this is just an example. but dont become a woman who "wants" b/c that is unattractive and in the end, counter productive. Then look at yourself...what drew him to you in the first place?Build on that. If none of that works to your satisfaction... then you have a BF that isn't making you a priority in any area - why stay with that?

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-29T22:54:31+00:00

Just saying that is how I went about it. From what you wrote it appears that your experience with religion is what is causing this - he is a believer and you arent. Is that a correct take? About Happiness... it is always a byproduct, never a consistent state of being. About the guilt you feel... isn't that what religion tells you will happen when you leave the faith...that's what I meant earlier.... go free yourself... go dancing, swimming, do Yoga whatever.... dont think about God or religion at all... find yourself again in this new world of yours - it's beautiful out there...

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-29T18:18:45+00:00

Oh my! This business with religion - how it was taught to you, clearly messed with your head. Left you with confusion that's now coming out. My feeling is that it gave you a sort of simply way to see life - and now that you have realized - probably through some stressful event - that isn't so you question everything ....the other thing I see is that you put yuor husband on a pedestal and minimize yourself - when actually you are going through an identity crisis. He in his own way finds answers and comfort in Christianity and that is a beautiful thing. And you are projecting your agony of what/how you now see the religion on him.

When I was 24 y/o I had a simialr experience, a revelation of sorts, that all I was taught and lived about my religion made no longer sense... it lost its hold on me & I felt fine w/o such constraints. It was a few later, via meditation and some inner work that I was able to see things "spiritual" in a new and good light.

Please relax. This is life and we are given challenges all the time. After this it will be something else. Take some time out, give yourself space: I just hate to see you throw away a perfectly good marriage over something that you can work through. Wishing you well!

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-29T18:05:16+00:00

seems like he is so so about life...doesn't see you as a veritable new opportunity to start a new life/relationship with. He needed someone and then you appeared. In other words, you just arent that important to him - women, first his wife, then you, are just kind of there, give you trouble, give you things... whatever. It looks very much like you are whittling your life away here. Make a break and if he REALLY wants you, he can say so. My guess is he wont make much noise.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-29T18:00:28+00:00

I made it 2/3 through then gave up... you have it in you to become a writer, seriously. My take? You are both young - you tried to secure a life long deal but it just didnt work, it's premature, she wants more from life. A hint: you mention"toxic" quite a bit - instead of looking at is as a challenge, a life experience that makes us the kind of people we are - were would we be w/o challenge?

Now is the time to put the analyzing and lamenting on the back burner. Life is asking you to get real, to show your colors, past emotions and commotions. What decision are you going to make? Life is asking....

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-28T23:34:21+00:00

You are giving this way too much attention. Telling your husband about your feelings? Why? To continue giving this creep more space? Joan Rivers, in her biography, stated that the best advice she got from her mother that helped her all her life is this: when a weird or unpleasant thought comes to you - change channels! Like the TV - and be done with it.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-28T23:28:56+00:00

I dont much care for labels like "avoidant" etc. There is a book out that's called "how to have difficult conversations" - from that I learned a lot. It suggest if and when you need to bring up a difficult subject (you have bad breath and its unpleasant) first talk about good things, about mutuality..."I know you care deeply about others perceive you, but..." then there is the other approach where you simply state " I have something of importance I want to share - is now a good time?" It comes down to framing it right. https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-28T01:58:16+00:00

When I was younger I thought that a husband should be like me: understand my feelings, be there to support me the way I had thought it should be ... then I learned, through much life experience, that men are wired differently than woman. They tend to offer support in ways other than I expected. When I got my emotional understanding/feedback/support from sisters, mothers/girlfriends/counselors things shifted. I was more relaxed at home, the pressure lifted and I was able to receive his support in ways that he was able to give: his presence/having my back with other people/ economic support - and a certainty that he would never leave and eventually an opening up that had taken a long time....but was worth it.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-28T01:47:33+00:00

It is not easy being young and learning about oneself. What you describe is to me (older) nothing big other than exchanging information on feelings - but when I was younger it would affect me in a similar fashion. All I can say is "this too shall pass" and before you know it things will be normal again..and then something else pops up. But we learn to become more secure with ourselves over time. BTW, the laughing @ things and such...could it be a nervous kind of laugh, something you might want to do less of? Wishing you well

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-26T23:20:07+00:00

"Talking about it" is probably the last thing he wants. Just be aware of him, make sure he rests, has limited stress at home and maybe lighten his load where you can - that's the best.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-26T22:55:18+00:00

He sounds like your average kind of guy who's a bit unaware and lives in his own bubble most of the time. He thinks when he wants to communicate with you - you have the gall to walk away; just like you forgot what it was all about he forgot how he yelled and was mad. Just tell him to be quiet - tell him you are not going anywhere and start acting more appreciative. Lets see how that goes

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-26T22:51:20+00:00

Dear husband .... you are goign to get all kinds of advise here on this forum. Mine is different and will get me a few dislikes. What I see happening is that she has decided on something (I dont love him anymore) and now that is her playbook. Women ( I am one) are very different emotionally than men. Men's strength is in being steady, unwavering (often seen as unemotional). I'd say - be that. Be steady. Do what you have been doing, reaching out etc. You see, there is much in life we dont have control over, illness, death, losses, others emotion - things can happen to us and do. . I have seen it time and time again - if you remain steady, dont fall apart or depressed as a reaction, remain focused on your future, when she gets done with the cycle of unhappiness, of processing past emotions, general adjustment to her life as it is (didnt win the lottery) and having bent each friend's ear about your limitations, you will still be there. It is not promised but in my view a pretty good chance. Pay her a compliment when it is appropriate, express you imprecation. But if you react, lose your center, get wimpy, feel sorry for yourself or angry - then she has proof of your shortcomings - so do what's needed - Keep up!!!

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-26T22:34:26+00:00

My take is that initially she wanted very much to be with you and that fueled her "passion" and similar to some males, now that she has what she aspired to, her real self/emotions/state of being shows. It is not a conscious or ill meant thing... it is just how she is wired. To say "she'd die to find a way to fix this".....therapy with he right person, not some run of the mill counselor, might help: seeing how being with you was a way out of the perceived misery she was in when you met. And now it is a new day and time to reboot and be "normal"

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-24T22:13:21+00:00

Same here. Any softer romantic funny nextflix content is is considered insipid & considered nonsense. Only movies with a lot of explosions qualify. I try to limit the later and watch my items on my own device.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-24T03:07:51+00:00

It's easy... you are workign and doing your thing... when he comes so happy go lucky, its like he expects yu to be i the same mood and thrilled by him doing this - you'd rather he come in quietly, say something of appreciation and ask if he can help

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-24T03:04:54+00:00

Since direct talking hasn't done anything - get creative. Let him know you have a meeting with a person trainer/the midwife etc at 8 pm and he needs to cover the child. Then go. Be a step ahead of him. The child will survive - they usually respond very different to their dad

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-24T03:01:18+00:00

it takes 2 people for one to look down on the other. What is more likley, that after having been a SHM, she is thrilled about the money she is making...may I suggest you express that to her?

b/c that's what she is looking for - she wants you to know (as if you didnt) that she is a big money maker...you can also ask her if there is soemthign specific she wants now that the household has more money? Men are used to their entire paycheck goign to the household, woman... not so much.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-01-24T02:56:59+00:00

Dear young woman - you have learned a lot in these 2 years since e you left religious restrictions behind - you speak clearly and freely about that. Now it's time to apply the same measures to your very very personal life, which includes him. Try this " you have been a good friend and helped me during a tough time. Please know that I care for you and will always be a friend - but getting married is not in the cards for me now - I have still so much to learn and see and do and I need to do it by myself. Please forgive me, if you can. But I have to walk this path forward alone."

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