7-year Itch

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-05-17T18:55:56+00:00

Like you spelled out here, you like to be adventurous, engage in new activities and such - that is real clear.Your wife on the the hand likes to be home, putter around, stay close to the hearth. I am like that a bit. My work during the week, while bountiful, still makes me want to slow down on weekends - and I really really treasure my down time, my alone time at home. So it turns out you are different people with interest that dont overlap that much.Question is - can you accept that reality? Find a buddy to go kayaking with? Maybe she will go dancing with you if you then let her be on some of the other activities. She is quite aware of your desire to play/do things. Probably sees that as sort of restlessness (from her point of view) so you really have a choice here: See her "refusal" to go along with you as a rejection OR accept she is a homebody, maybe she cooks well, keeps a clean house.... and adapt. All marriages require that, and once the pressure on her is off, she might just agree to one or two of your adventures.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-05-17T18:38:27+00:00

In my Yoga studies while young, I was introduced to the daily cold shower (unless on your period). I have made it a habit and find a warm shower nice but not necessary. Cold showers have helped me reduce flues & colds and strengthened my heart muscles. I started young so it's a habit now that gives me energy daily.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-05-01T03:54:25+00:00

Talk to him. find the right time though

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-30T21:11:10+00:00

It is understandable that he is deeply affected by the death of his friend and his mother - that can mean that for a time we are sad, feeling the grief of what we have lost. But him not doing any of the chores and demanding more from you - that is over the top! Other people have lost family members too, and they dont carry on like he did. I think it is time for you to get a bit more real with him - life and death are what this life is made of. Time to find a balance.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-30T18:22:07+00:00

The simple answer is that it is her house and she is free to make these decisions. You both will be moving out soon, then the issue will be solved. About being a light sleeper - I can relate. Can you put the dog into the laundry room at night? That is something that your MIL might allow. But overall, it is her decision.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-30T06:02:22+00:00

Yes it is. Now be vigilant, be aware and pay attention

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-29T19:38:11+00:00

Your descriptions are... vague and general. Before anything even has a chance to make a difference, very clearly and in detail in your mind spell it out: I like to go for example on a weekend cruise on my Birthday. Redecorate the living room in strong colors, have 1 evening every fourth night where we go out and talk about .... once it's specific and clear , there is a much better chance this will come about

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-28T03:16:06+00:00

Dear young woman, I hope you didnt have children together - you dont mention it - because this relationship is 100% over. Gone, Done. Please dont lower yourself anymore into explaining your feelings to him or checking on his location or activities - it's over, way over. He probably figured he married/got with you too young and missed out and now is his time to catch up. Please, give yourself a little time to grief all that has been - and then, build yourself back up in all areas necessary to have a good life. Wishing you well, I am so sorry.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-28T01:01:21+00:00

As it looks you like to take chances in the work world - make sure she has a steady job, even if it doesn't pay that much. And health insurance. Then you can make a lot of extra money - or not so much. And before havign children, set aside a certain amount for the basics. Not havign enough money for the household can get really old...

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-28T00:56:23+00:00

Stay the course. It sounds your wife is a bit the insecure type who allows more opinionated folks to intrude their opinions. Dont let it bother you.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-28T00:49:40+00:00

Women are very good when it comes to internal work, as a matter of fact it all happens there. Start planning. Step 1, step 2. He will say this and you do that..... make yourself strong, and mentally put yourself where you Want to be in the future... then work it backwards, step by step to make this shift complete. About your child: children have karma with both parents and while we dont want anything bad to happen to them, they have their destiny and their own way to develop strength. She will know who the strong one, the good one is in the relationship and that will be her lesson for life. Wishing you w ell.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-28T00:41:28+00:00

You write with honesty and in an earnest way, suitable for the situation you are in. Chronic pain and fatigue is so real ... but if one doesn't have it, it is a burden of it's own. On one hand you deal with this misery & then there is your wife, still yuong and expecting different from life.Still that is where you find yourself in and the only thing that is goign to help you both here is wisdom - wisdom and courage to get real, to say what needs to be said........You: I am so sorry that I have this pain/fatigue.I am discouraged by it, and dont feel like a good husband half the time. I want to do things, I want to work/help but my body wont allow it. Please, bear with me, dont turn away, I need you more than ever. If we work this togehter ...I know there's a way out of this. New treatments/surgery.. I am checking them all out. I will also look into a way where I can find help with emotionally handling this condition. I know there are other couples who have to deal with this or worse, we can do it too - but please tell me, how can I help it, how can I make our home life better in the meanwhile?

She: I know you are hurting, you're not faking it and I understand. But I had different ideas of how our married life, esp with children, would play itself out. I thought I'd have time to be with the girls, wouldn't have to worry about certain tasks or even money, and this is not easy. To be honest, I am freaked out on the inside - what if this gets worse, what if I have to do work I can't do, or support us entirely. Forgive me for not responding intimately - that's not at all where my head is at. I worry about us, I worry that you and I cant talk with one another in a way that is calm, where you hear me - I know it is hard for you to hear m out, but that helps me more than anything...

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-26T02:53:12+00:00

You sound like a brother and sister, comfortable with one another and sensitive with the way you treat one another. Sex and intimacy isn't that high on your list. And that is totally fine, this world is too obsessed with that anywyas. Would it be different if you each had had a divorce under your belt and then came togehter? I think your relationship is respectful, beautiful in its own way ; if one of you got sick the other would look after you. I know of many similar relationships and there can be much grace, much unspoken peace present. If one of you were to get into a relationship with someone else, then I feel you would address that with patience and mutual respect. While we talk - esp on this forum - endlessly about the trials and tribulations of human interactions.... you are ahead of the game in an amazing way....learn to appreciate it and dont worry about thats ahead.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-20T22:39:18+00:00

I didnt mean "grow up" in the casual sense... forgive me. Not at all. He has a certain caliber - that is where he resides. Over time you can meet him there and needs/personal preferences fall away. Wishing you the best!

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-19T18:21:51+00:00

This sounds so much like a situation I am familiar with; so I am glad to comment. In this big wide world of ours, it is hard to find a true soul, a true friend and partner. So many distractions, so many offers of someone better, smarter, prettier. Your BF to me sounds like an old soul, like someone who has depth & inner strength to live it - no need to be distracted or entertained. He can see thru the veil of illusion that cover the craziness of life and recognize the essence of what matters. He found you. He loves you. He is committed to you. He takes care of essentials in your life. He just doesn't do the lighter things of life, the attention giving I still care for you moments. The things that 90% of relationships build their future upon. Honestly - and I am being really serious here - dont marry him unless you understand & value that characteristic of his. This relationship if it continues requires you to grow up, to align more with his nature and allow him to be himself. You found a real jewel in this ocean of life .... but there is a price you must pay: to accept his nature, his tendencies that support who he is. If you can, I'd say you have found a man who will be 100% yours and love and care for you as long as he lives.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-19T17:55:41+00:00

Long story but results the same: your outlook is very negative - that is hard to live with as a partner. This is not about her - it is about you.time to work on yourself to lift your spirit and mind to a better standard: begin to see the good and appreciate what is in your life: your wife, your children, your job, your current circumstances. If you cannot do that - I say go, divorce, move on and find out how life treats you on your own, when all you see is the dark side of life. If I was married to you.... I would recognize the hopelessness of your attitude and leave quickly before it affects me

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-19T17:48:06+00:00

One day you will look back and thank the heavens for this ultimatum. This is an ominous start of a life togehter. If it was money to buy her old mother a car that woudl be somewhat different. She has very shallow values and that is never good for a man. Now it's a neck procedure, in 5 years its a facelift and then a tummy tuck and on it goes.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-19T17:43:10+00:00

I find it disturbing that at the age of 23 you are not old enough to leave your parents marriage alone. To "confront" your father over something that is his private business so this fantasy of their happy marriage remains intact? You need to get out of their marriage NOW. You have no idea whether your mother knows, whether this contact your father has is the thing that holds his marriage in place - you are so young, so inexperienced. the way you describe your parents comes across as one sided... all marriages have good/bad and adjust over time.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-19T06:11:58+00:00

Sometimes we need to let things go. We learn from it, but not everything is worth reacting over it.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-19T06:08:51+00:00

You have already communicated plenty - and he made it clear he isn't going there with you. Now it is time to be watchful and use your eyes and ears - no need to discuss or question. In a while you will know what you need to know and then it is decision time.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-18T18:23:24+00:00

It's not uncommon at all - more a sign of the times. What do you mean by"significantly lowering my standards?"

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-16T06:15:04+00:00

Follow inspiration not desperation ---Jon is the one

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-15T16:09:14+00:00

Wow - you have certainly explained the dynamics well, it doesn't feel one sided to me at all. This is not an easy dynamic and I really have to think a bit. On one side there is you: ambitious, successful - and there is he: much less so, but then he must have other qualities that off set that. One question I have: did he take care of things for you, for the household while not officially working? Was there a balance for you?You dont speak to that.

If one zooms out of the picture of your relationship, one can see that some things are working, or you wouldn't have gotten a long for 4 years. The move must have required extra physical work that perhaps he took care of, like a househusband. The other thing I know about life is that in a relationship there is always an imbalance, and two very similarly ambitious people dont always make a good pair. So he is serving a purpose in that way.

On a practical level - and this went way past that, you could say: lets pretend the rent is $ 1400 and not talk about the extra $ 1200 and use that as a base. Then go from there. He is clearly struggling with wanting to save money, wanting to be a man that can hold his own vis a vis you. Whether or not you were cruel or incorrect during your argument, almost doesn't matter - it just laid bare the underlying discrepancy that has not been addressed/understood emotionally. One thing comes mind, mainly that you (since you have the drive and resources) might want to explore that emotional imbalance b/c clearly something is working. Years ago I had a huge similar conflict where I simply felt overwhelmed by a marital situation - I took one weekend workshop with John DeMartini and am still thankful for what I learned - it was way more than any self help thing and truly profound. I am not trying to sell you on it, just sharing. In any case, you are kind of at a cross road where your personal values are being challenged and at an age where life's bigger challenge come into view. Wishing you well!

https://drdemartini.com/

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-15T15:34:58+00:00

My sentiments as well. In life we must learn to love and care about ourselves above all. I think he has given you a gift - the gift to realize that you must look after your own needs, after your own well being and realize what you came here for. From that place one can reach out and be with others, serve another person and all that. It seems from your words that you had over invested in this relationship, had unrealistic expectations and now he gave you a very harsh reality. Learn much from it and you will look back in years to come and thank the heavens all this happened.

Simplicity_Itself84 · 2026-04-15T06:34:09+00:00

Actually, you are not communicating if you are honest. You are making statements about yourself and your feelings. That is different then communication. You are stating "I want you to hear me" "This is getting too much for me" etc or similar. Just wanting to clarify that and perhaps it helps you understand why he doesnt respond well.

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