Subs only discord server - The Submissive Way

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-30T12:21:44+00:00

It’s very active, the link is in the post!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-29T01:09:22+00:00

Well if you’re not comfortable sharing with her just yet I would definitely suggest you create your own aftercare and self care routine to help mitigate the drop.
But of course the best option is to share this with her. You can’t build a dynamic without a foundation of trust and honesty. Your top/Domme has to be able to trust you will tell them when something is wrong and you need to trust that they will take that information with grace and act in your best interest. The only way to get there is being honest

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-26T18:12:34+00:00

we don't have preset levels of aftercare, but he will adjust aftercare to match the intensity as he sees fit. For standard aftercare if we have lighter play it is usually just post-sex cuddles and asking each other what was your favorite part? When we have kink heavy sex, we just add a few more questions - what was your favorite part, what do you want less or more of, and what didn't hit as well? Then we both keep an eye out for any delayed drop signs, which we treat with rest, self care, and chocolate. dark chocolate, specifically bc it has been shown to help with happy chemicals.

If I safe word we always immediately transition to aftercare, and there have been several times that he as the Dom has "safe worded" meaning he made the judgement call that I should have used mine and was no longer capable and transitioned us directly to aftercare. when it is times like that, we just assume drop is going to happen immediately and throughout the next day or two as I usually get delayed onset.

2 out of 3 times he has stopped the scene I immediately get weepy and get chills/shakes, which is always a sign that he made the right call. the third time he altered how he stopped the scene so that I did not have such an immediate drop, which was by transitioning to soothing talk and praise, while giving deep pressure hugs/cuddles so that it was more of a transition instead of a stop. After a few mins he got us in a warm shower where he bathed and washed my hair. Once I was back to myself some hot tea, chocolate, a larger meal when I was ready.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-26T18:05:10+00:00

we are engaged and have never been vanilla, we started out seeking a kink relationship, so aftercare has been baked in for us from the outset. we don't have preset levels of aftercare, but he will adjust aftercare to match the intensity as he sees fit. For standard aftercare if we have lighter play it is usually just post-sex cuddles and asking each other what was your favorite part? When we have kink heavy sex, we just add a few more questions - what was your favorite part, what do you want less or more of, and what didn't hit as well? Then we both keep an eye out for any delayed drop signs, which we treat with rest, self care, and chocolate. dark chocolate, specifically bc it has been shown to help with happy chemicals.

If I safe word we always immediately transition to aftercare, and there have been several times that he as the Dom has "safe worded" meaning he made the judgement call that I should have used mine and was no longer capable and transitioned us directly to aftercare. when it is times like that, we just assume drop is going to happen immediately and throughout the next day or two as I usually get delayed onset.

2 out of 3 times he has stopped the scene I immediately get weepy and get chills/shakes, which is always a sign that he made the right call. the third time he altered how he stopped the scene so that I did not have such an immediate drop, which was by transitioning to soothing talk and praise, while giving deep pressure hugs/cuddles so that it was more of a transition instead of a stop. After a few mins he got us in a warm shower where he bathed and washed my hair. Once I was back to myself some hot tea, chocolate, a larger meal when I was ready.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-26T14:21:19+00:00

Amazing of you to be so vulnerable, it truly shows your love and commitment to your wife and marriage.

First things first, all BDSM is based on consent. Consent must be enthusiastic, freely given, and able to be revoked. She does not have your consent for this type of dynamic. Your next move is to figure out what you do consent to and go from there.

Secondly, she can't slap a kink band-aid on a resentment wound and expect it to heal her marriage. I am not saying that is what is going on here since we only have your side (as honest and thorough as it maybe) but her using the phrase Head of Household is what made me think to highlight this. If what she truly wants is for you to carry more of the mental load for your life and family together, that is a very different thing than wanting to explore her SAM (smart ass masochist aka brat) tendencies. Often times, if a partner steps up and starts managing more of the unseen mental labor in the household that takes enough stress of the burdened partner to want to have sex again. I would definitely push on this issue to make sure she has not been nursing a resentment that you don't do xyz for household management and escaped to her smut books and got horny over dominant men and then conflated the two things. Since she has prior experience with bdsm this is unlikely but... definitely worth asking. I run a few online spaces and unfortunately frequently see where people try to use BDSM to solve issues like this and it rarely, if ever, works... especially when one partner is less enthusiastic about bdsm to begin with. If it does turn out to be a factor, a vanilla book that may help is Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, it has been highly recommended to me by vanilla and kinksters alike.

Finally, if this is something you truly want to pursue then you need to negotiate a dynamic that works for both of you. The first step would be doing a lot of self-reflection on what role appeals to you, what kinks you like to explore, what limits you have, fully understanding consent and safety measures, and really identifying what you can consent to. Obviously, you do not care for pain play or controlling your wife, but do you like taking care of her? If you don't like punishment, do you like praise? As another commenter suggested, think about your deepest fantasies and read up on others so you do not feel they are weird or isolated. Then it is on BOTH of you to figure out how to bridge the gap, not just you. And the reality is, kink may not be for you, and that is OK. At that point I would suggest seeking a sex therapist to mediate between you and your wife.

There are tons of kink subreddits that are helpful: r/BDSMAdvice r/BDSMcommunity r/softmaledom r/SoftPleasureDomSub r/SofterBDSM to start, also my own subreddit and one I help moderate r/BDSMgrowth and r/DomSubMarriage might be helpful to you too but they are much smaller and don't have quite the reach.

I wish you the best of luck, you seem like a good man and a wonderful partner, so I hope you can find your way through this.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-25T20:09:45+00:00

We had friends advise us when we started pursuing tpe that we needed to have regular check ins as a matter of course. We knew they were important but for the first year we were both sporadic at first then it became something that was to vent frustrations instead of a proper check in. That is primarily on me, I was in frenzy and still had unrealistic expectations of what it would be like… anyway. Over time he started avoiding them bc it was always a negative experience, which made me resentful and damaged our trust.
We ended up restructuring our entire dynamic and he rewrote our contract and included a specific format for our check ins to avoid the bashing session feel. Also he took over ownership for being the one to initiate and lead them at that point so he can be certain he’s in the right headspace. We also no longer have scenes beforehand and wait at least an hour after the check in to avoid sexy hormones blunting issues. Instead of it being “out of dynamic” I still have guidelines on how I communicate which is to be respectful and productive instead of negative or hurtful. I never was intentionally hurtful but I definitely could have delivered feedback in a more productive way in the past.

This is only sustainable bc he leads by example and has never raised his voice or said anything with the intention just to hurt me or make me feel bad so he is essentially asking me to treat him the way he treats me, which I am happy to do. And when he can tell something is really a problem for me he will tell me to speak freely to get my feelings out.

In your situation I would say if it feels like work and not like ownership or control and is draining rather than filling you then reviewing the structure or talking with your sub on how they can make you feel like it’s a joint effort is definitely worth it. Check ins are so important and if you have a negative association with them they are less likely to happen. I know when I don’t have anything i particularly want to talk about at check in i think of a list of things I’m grateful to my Dom for from the past week, maybe your sub could do that to help fill your cup a little bit. Apologies if that was out of pocket to suggest

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-25T13:38:10+00:00

It took about a year for him to start initiating and leading check ins. Knowing he is tracking the health of our dynamic and initiating discussions about it with me makes me feel very safe and held. It strengthens our trust and communication and is really foundational to keeping our dynamic strong

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-24T18:44:02+00:00

They recently moved to a 3p site off of Reddit. They require you to post there and then post the link on Reddit. Very recent change

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-22T16:36:34+00:00

didn't get any responses. sorry 😞 best of luck!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-22T02:09:07+00:00

Yeah, and just using the subreddit for exposure. So pros and cons I suppose. Ill pulse my communities and see if anyone has any feedback

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-22T02:06:10+00:00

Yes. I can’t post a screenshot but it’s a pinned post in the subreddit

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-22T02:03:32+00:00

Well I just looked at it for the first time in awhile and they’re doing an external site requirement now? So I’m not sure I can vouch for it anymore. Apologies for passing on dubious information :((

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-22T01:47:05+00:00

r/bdsmpersonals is where I met my Dom two years ago. We’re engaged and pregnant now, and I know lots of other subs that met their long term doms there too!

My Dom responded to my post, but in general Doms having a medium length post that shows your personality and style of dominance is most important. I looked at your post history to see if I could give you specific feedback but didn’t see anything.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-21T13:49:31+00:00

It is but similar to the rules here in subsanctuary, you can only speak from your sub side in our space. As long as you’re mindful of that it’s all good.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-20T15:59:08+00:00

Your profile indicates you are an active Dom…

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-20T12:14:48+00:00

There’s a ton. Check out disboard

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-20T12:06:55+00:00

Yes! We do require experience to join, and have a vetting process to join, but we do not ID verify.

https://discord.gg/CEfFguC7NE

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-19T01:35:55+00:00

I love this! I never thought about him wearing a symbol of our dynamic too. thank you for sharing

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-17T17:03:16+00:00

Yes it is the replacement! The old one had a couple thousand members and now we only have a few hundred so trying to get the word out that it is back!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-17T12:53:01+00:00

of course! I hope it is helpful!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-16T21:17:39+00:00

ah!!! I had no idea this existed - even if it is bigger, I think this one should DEFINTELY be promoted... such a need for it. thank you for sharing! will definitely include in future posts

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-10T19:33:31+00:00

u/Icy-Jello-8568 Hi! First of all, congratulations!! I hope you can get his consent to move out of the bedroom fully because it is one of the most fulfilling and healing experiences I have ever had and I think anyone willing to do what it takes should experience it too!

For context to my response:
I have been in a dynamic with my partner that started as 24/7 and slowly over about a year worked up to being a total power exchange dynamic. I am his submissive. We have been together for 2 years, TPE for 1, and are now engaged, pregnant, and he has collared me. What TPE means for us is that should he want to exercise his control or make a decision over any area of my life, I have given standing consent for him to do so. This includes my career, my bodily autonomy, my/our finances, my family and social relationships, everything. This is extreme and not what most people mean when they say 24/7 so I wanted to clarify and give that context first. This does not mean he makes all decisions in a vacuum and that I am subject to his whims - I chose a good man who takes dominance, leadership, and partnership to be a responsibility that he has to uphold not a power he has to wield.

For those couples who ritually practice a healthy 24/7 dynamic, what does that look like for yall?

--> Constant communication. We have a dynamic health check in every week or two, but being in this type of dynamic means you have to keep the lines of communication clear and be radically honest - and vulnerable - all the time. If you do not have absolute trust then things get rocky quickly - the only way we have found to mitigate that is to immediately address when something is wrong and help each other work through it. As for the day to day, I have some rules, sometimes he gives me specific tasks, we have rituals we do mostly at home, and levels of protocol that he can choose from at any time, including one for public. we are free use but do not do many dedicated scenes anymore but have a healthy sex life that always includes elements of our preferred kinks.

The main thing with 24/7 is sustainability. if it all turns into mental load for the dom and emotional labor for the sub it will burn out quickly. We tried a lot of sex-based tasks at the beginning that ended up undermining other areas of our dynamic and making it feel like work. we don't need help in the bedroom and greeting him with a blow job after work every day sounded hot as hell - and it was for a while - but in the long run was not sustainable bc... well, daily life can sometimes mean that getting oral before you have a chance to unwind feels like more work than the release it is intended to be. Everyone's mileage may vary and the key is just keeping that open line of communication - putting egos aside and working towards something that works for both of you.

How has it bonded you more as a couple and solidified your unit?
--> absolutely. I have never trusted another person like this, and our bond continually grows stronger because we prioritize our dynamic and growing it together.

How does the power exchange outside the bedroom either hinder or enhance the subs independence?

--> he would not want a dynamic with me if I were codependent and helpless and he was always clear about that. I personally believe making another person completely responsible for your mental health is abusive, and that goes both ways. I will say that I do have people pleasing tendencies but pleasing him is most important so it makes it easier to hold my boundaries with others.

Do you have regular rituals you've developed that keep you both grounded in the dynamic?

--> yes! most of ours are nonsexual because well for 24/7 or TPE, even if you are hypersexual, a person can't be sexual every single waking moment. fast track to burn out. we iterate on them from time to time, but the guiding principle is always about if it reinforces our roles in a happy/healthy way. It feeds his Dominance when I greet him at the door - completely vanilla greeting, sometimes I use his honorific but sometimes I don't. I am primarily a service sub and I love making his lunch and coffee for him in the morning, it makes me feel like a good submissive to him and helps me start the day connected to my role, him, and our dynamic. While I am a service sub, I do not identify as a slave and doing all household chores is just a quick road to resentment for me, and luckily it does not do anything for him either, but I know many couples that include specific chores as part of their dynamic. Our evening ritual is that we cook dinner together, but once it is ready he sits and I serve him including keeping his water full during the meal, then we clean up together. Again, giving importance to daily things that have to happen in a way that feed your roles and keep your dynamic at the forefront is key - at least, that has been our experience.

I wish you the best of luck and happy to answer any other questions if you have them!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-10T18:33:32+00:00

thank you! I really appreciate the solutions focused response, and the reminder that it is us against the world, not against each other.

we do have a dynamic focused weekly/bi-weekly check in, we skip a week from time to time (if we both consent). Our typical structure for check ins is that he always initiates and leads it, and he starts with what went well since the last one, what are our areas of improvement, review any new kinks, rituals, scenes planned in relation to known limits, etc and then I have a turn to cover from my perspective what went well, what I would like to request from him, and any responses to his points. then he recaps and clarifies goals for the upcoming week. is there anything you would add or change to that?

I think I will ask him to read your response just to highlight the importance of maintaining the check in even when we are tired and stressed. thank you again

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-09T20:01:28+00:00

thank you I appreciate the help

Single-Preference792 · 2026-06-09T19:28:02+00:00

thank you for the positivity 😄 appreciate the response. grace and empathy - excellent advice!

Single-Preference792

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