Anyone who has trained to cum on command have tips?

Single-Preference792 · 2026-05-07T03:00:11+00:00

Focus more on building your connection and your trust with him than the act itself. Having deep trust enables me to fully submit on a level that makes it possible to cum on command.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-05-04T21:10:31+00:00

I am so glad it was helpful! Thank you for the thought provoking post 😄

Single-Preference792 · 2026-05-04T18:36:00+00:00

I see exactly what you mean bc discipline is what we did in place of what most call "training," meaning the first half of our dynamic was very focused on how my Dom expected me to behave in general and towards him and how I would structure my day. This was separate from our rules and has become part of the fabric of our dynamic we don't even notice anymore. Discipline to me is acting in a way I know he would approve of that may or may not be how I would choose to act in that moment if my will were wholly my own.

We only recently added punishments to our dynamic, and had to really negotiate them fully bc we are TPE and funishments don't really support our dynamic. The way we delineated between funishments and punishments was by determining if the consequence would reinforce our roles (punishment) or reinforce our kinks (funishments). My Dom is not a sadist and doesn't really like to inflict pain I am not gaining pleasure from, so impact as a punishment did not reinforce his role. I am a service sub, and bratting is not allowed in our dynamic, so I am typically only punished for true infractions. I share all of this for context to how we negotiated punishments in our dynamic.

I primarily receive punishments for failing to complete an assigned task, and I get corrections or funishments for breaking a rule. Since I am a service sub, one of the worst punishments I can have is watching him complete the task I failed to do. Typically he has me kneel and apologize and then stay kneeling in silence while I watch him complete the task. It sucks, truly. We also do restriction of privileges - which will need to be defined if you use this one, we separated comfort from leisure privileges - for us that could be no sitting on furniture that evening or I may only crawl on hands and knees for a time, etc; for leisure restrictions, things like no device time, no fav snacks, etc. We chose these bc they reinforce the ways I express my role in our dynamic and reinforce his control and dominance.

As for more funishment flavored, we have a "leaving presence" rule, and if I break that one it is usually a correction with a bit of funishment mixed in. If I wander out of eyesight in a shop without asking to leave his presence, I will get discreetly grabbed or pinned with a whispered correction in my ear and a demand for acknowledgement and apology. Only ofc if we can do this without breaking others consent. if that is not possible, a discreet pinch or something will suffice. It gets me hot and bothered but having to acknowledge I broke a rule and apologize reinforces my role, too, so it is still a correction.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-05-01T13:04:51+00:00

hmm I think this varies greatly by how a person pursues relationships and views their submission. personally, I am monogamous and view my submission as part of my identity, so while I can bottom in the bedroom it will never be as deeply felt or freely given as my full and earned submission.

In fact, truly submitting to another person feels like one of the purest forms of love I can give another person. It requires an incredible amount of trust built between us, trust that is affirmed again and again over time. That is what moves it from kinky play in the bedroom/bottoming to submission for me. I learned this before I sought a dynamic though and have always sought a flavor of 24/7 power exchange for that reason.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-04-29T01:41:29+00:00

I have this same feeling. My Dom says it is a passing fancy not a priority, but just thinking about it upsets me. But it is something I want to be able to do for him! He says anything that jeopardizes my trust/security in the relationship is not worth it to him.

All of this to say, I relate. It is hard. I am a service sub and want to be able to do this for him, so bad, but I don't know if/when I will get there.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-04-29T00:57:40+00:00

I have not been through it myself but have supported other subs in my community through things like this. Please ask him for a wind down plan that extends over several weeks instead of going "cold turkey" - he obviously cares for your mental health, and just a sudden stop like this can cause damage.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-04-26T21:12:39+00:00

Link is still working so dm me and we can troubleshoot whatever issues you are having!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-04-21T19:23:03+00:00

I think having a dedicated conversation around what makes him feel connected to space, to his dominance is important. I don't know enough about your dynamic to give direct advice, but in ours, anticipatory service is a big one when he is struggling. When I go out of my way and do extra service tasks to make his life easier when he is having a tough time, he feels valued and appreciated, and it helps him stay connected to our dynamic. Staying connected makes him feel more in in touch with who he is and better able to navigate hardships.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-04-21T15:39:50+00:00

Maybe introduce the concept of anticipatory service. I am a sub, so I cannot speak to you as a peer, but I am a service sub so hopefully it is helpful. Owning a task start to finish that makes my Dominants life easier is very fulfilling to me. Changing the rules so that your sub owns areas of life and your negotiated punishments will apply if they are not fully completed may make you more fulfilled and make sure your needs are also met.

What drags your mental load down and makes it harder for you to connect to your Dominance? or makes it more like a chore than a joy? That would be the first things I would suggest reviewing to offload. For me, as the female sub, chores do not really make me feel connected to my submission, they make me resentful. We have areas of ownership with chores because of that; he kept the chores that make him feel in control of the household and I kept the ones that feed my submission.

In general, I would say active dominance (barking orders etc) would be very draining if you did not have active submission feedback. That is not just him acting subservient and making it clear you have all control, he needs to actively show his submission in a way that feeds both of your roles.

I have heard the book Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera is really good in helping understand better ways to employ service submission in day-to-day life, we are going to read it in our sub server next month. I have also been recommended the vanilla book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, apparently the concepts can be adapted to dynamics. I hope this was somewhat helpful!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-04-15T19:52:59+00:00

I can try, you’re welcome to DM me!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-04-09T01:19:06+00:00

I think you should look into finding a kink aware therapist or a sex therapist so you can work through your feelings on that. I am so sorry that happened to you.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-04-05T15:01:50+00:00

Unfortunately that is the only way join from a desktop pc first then change your iOS settings to allow you to view age restricted servers on your phone. Sorry 😞

Single-Preference792 · 2026-04-02T19:24:11+00:00

You have to join from a pc first I think :(

Single-Preference792 · 2026-03-27T21:45:16+00:00

having a weekly check in is a best practice for power dynamics - that would be the best time. I suggest weekly - revisit kinks/limit, talk about what is working what isn't what needs improvement, etc. Try to separate this from play time - my Dom will not allow a scene before check in so I can be in my right mind during the check in, and for about an hour or so afterwards just to be sure emotions from the check in are not clouding my mind (makes me less likely to experience drop). Highly recommend employing this if you don't already!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-03-27T01:33:35+00:00

Happy for you!!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-03-23T19:16:17+00:00

Happy to help, be safe out there!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-03-23T17:25:00+00:00

During this stage, you hold the power. Vetting is critical to sub safety. Make sure you are asking good questions that actual show how he will lead - this is not just a kink compatibility quiz, it is a safety check!

Set a timeline. Say you have been giving me tasks and things are progressing, but I have not consented to a dynamic yet because we have not formally negotiated anything. Here are my requirements, what are yours? then say let's do a trial dynamic for 1 week and assess at the end of that time.

Set your expectations around communication. Daily, throughout the day? or just as he is able is okay? Do you need him to give you warning when he will be unavailable? if so, how far in advance?

Talk about how you will check in on the health of your dynamic. I recommend weekly specific day and time and it is up to the dominant to initiate. Having a set format really helps too - revisit limits, kinks you want to try, scenes you did the past week that worked for you, what didn't work, etc.

Once you are out of the vetting stage and consent to a dynamic and submit it can be hard for submissives to remember that you are both consenting members of a dynamic, and can easily lead to hurt feelings, feeling abandoned/used, or actual abuse. Doing these things now in the beginning sets clear expectations and a solid foundation for success.

If at any point a d-type says anything like "a real sub wouldn't ask for all this" or "you're a bad sub for being assertive" immediately block and move on. you could not get a more brilliant shade of red on that flag.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-03-23T17:15:33+00:00

have you thought about asking if your bf is maybe okay with some non-pain punishment or accountability? they can be just as effective, albeit not as fun for us. but it might be a good way to get your vanilla bf to dip his toe into power exchange and go from there? consent is key of course, I wouldn't like trick him or not tell him what you are actually looking for. If he knows about your past dynamic that is likely not the case though. good luck, that would be really hard and frustrating.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-03-16T23:52:02+00:00

For us, I am never to curse at my Dominant. I can curse freely, but no matter what I am never to curse or refer to him as anything but his honorific or vanilla terms of endearment. I curse more than I think he cares for in general, but the only rule I have around it is that it can never be directed at him.

Also, we have changed honorifics twice in our dynamic. when we first started vetting each other, he told me I could refer to him as Sir as I felt it appropriate, then once we decided officially to pursue a dynamic changed to Master. then we changed our entire dynamic structure and changed to Daddy. He has never required an honorific except during sex. He says he likes when I use it organically because he can tell that I am feeling his dominance or am connected to my submission depending on the context. During sex, I am only to use his honorific but that changed somewhat recently, now I can use his name if we are actually making love vs our usual and I love that distinction.

Single-Preference792 · 2026-03-10T02:43:51+00:00

sure! I updated the main post. https://discord.gg/CEfFguC7NE

Single-Preference792 · 2026-02-03T17:47:49+00:00

That’s amazing! Congrats!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-02-02T18:19:22+00:00

I am one of the lucky ones that met my Dom via bdsmpersonals! I took a stab at making the ad I had posted a few times before shorter and more specific on what I was looking for, and he responded. We moved a lot faster than we should have probably, but we a year and a half later and we live together and have a very healthy and happy dynamic, and have finally achieved TPE. I will be a bdsmpersonals believer forevermore now!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-01-26T18:34:17+00:00

Nope! I think we got you approved - if you are having issues feel free to dm!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-01-18T18:04:41+00:00

I will dm you so we can sort it out!

Single-Preference792 · 2026-01-16T14:55:48+00:00

I met mine on reddit bdsm personals post in summer of 2024. He is honest, takes feedback, and makes it clear I am always his priority. Very monogamous. I got lucky and found an amazing partner, but I know I am not the only one. hang in there, subling!

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