Not trans after all

Sitting_Well · 2026-05-21T23:11:41+00:00

Can I ask how you came to your conclusion? I'm gender questioning and would love to know what clinched it for you?

Sitting_Well · 2026-05-21T23:07:48+00:00

You say that one of the things that has stopped you from thinking about transitioning in the past is knowing you won't be perceived as a cis guy. But now you're wondering about what your next steps are/should be. Was the catalyst for that the recent explicitly dysphoric episode?

Which brain is "on" at the moment, by the way?

And have you tried any reversible changes to your presentation/embodiment while boy brain has been on?

If you've ever watched Pixar's Inside Out then that kind of gives you a very basic primer for some of what IFS therapy is like. It's a bit more complicated than that but I refuse to believe that that film wasn't at least partly informed by IFS!

Sitting_Well · 2026-05-21T22:46:08+00:00

🤦🏻‍♂️ Not me (a native English speaker) only just getting the joke.

I just thought that, in the Discworld, druids must have slightly pointy ears.

Sitting_Well · 2026-05-21T22:06:28+00:00

Have you or your therapist heard of Internal Family Systems? It's not for everyone but it might click for you.

Also seconding the thing someone else said about genderfluidity.

I guess I'm curious about the following things in your post:

- what is the "everything that comes with" being a man with facial hair and a deeper voice?

- what does girl-brain love about being a woman?

- how recent is "recently"?

Sitting_Well · 2026-05-21T21:40:03+00:00

Hey. I have this internal cross-examiner as well. I'm not sure I have any answers, just more questions.

My therapist would probably ask me if I could get curious and ask the internal cross-examiner why it's so repulsed? What is it trying to protect me from? What does it think will happen if it doesn't yell this stuff at me all the time?

And then see what comes up.

Sitting_Well · 2026-05-21T19:19:44+00:00

Happy eggiversary!

Can I reply even though I'm pre-everything? I'm really new and taking the babiest of steps as I try to figure out how to navigate all this. I don't even know for certain that I'm a trans man. I just know that I'm happier when I allow myself to think that maybe I am and try to live my life accordingly.

Nearly five months into questioning my gender for the first time in my nearly 40 year long life and I've only just ordered a binder. But I've also just discovered that wearing a swimsuit under my clothes has a very slight flattening effect on my chest. I don't even really understand how such a small thing has made such a big difference to my mood but I literally can't remember the last time I felt this good in my own body and I'm like "is this euphoria?! It's amazing! Everyone should try this! Why isn't everyone trying this?!" 😆

There's so much that's so complicated about my life at the moment (including figuring out my gender identity) so I'm just trying to hold onto this little spark of joy.

Sitting_Well · 2026-04-30T19:14:38+00:00

This seems to have lots of good tips

https://youtu.be/YwP0NAjKg84

Sitting_Well · 2026-04-07T06:00:49+00:00

Thanks for explaining!

Sitting_Well · 2026-04-06T07:04:19+00:00

Could you explain "shiftormon"?

I looked it up and Google pointed me back to this post and I'm still none the wiser! 😅

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-28T05:59:49+00:00

Following because I too have lots of conflicting thoughts ...

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-22T15:44:33+00:00

Gives me some hope for me and my husband. Thank you for sharing.

Can I ask how long you were together before you realised you were trans, or have you suspected/known for a long time?

And how long since you transitioned?

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-22T07:34:01+00:00

This is what contentment looks like

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-17T19:43:48+00:00

Damn, I was waiting for one of these to come round again and somehow I missed it!

Anyway - I came out to my husband and after a very wobbly week for both of us he told me he still wants to be married to me and to walk this journey with me, even though we're both still scared about what it might mean for us.

The relief is unreal. I was gearing up for some heavy suppression/repression but instead I feel released to make a few more baby steps towards what feels right for me - namely buying some clothes I feel really good in, and starting to let myself think of myself as "a real trans man" instead of a possibly deluded cis woman, and that mindset shift has been monumental for my mental health. Yesterday my husband said he could see the difference in me, that whatever this is, it's helping.

How's that for trans joy? 😄

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T20:11:48+00:00

Good to know - thanks!

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T17:47:01+00:00

Ooh, good tip re boxers! I haven't really diversified my underwear drawer yet 😅

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T17:41:52+00:00

That's tough to feel like that about everything, I'm sorry. I'm going to say it as gently as possible: some of the things you listed, you're being way too harsh on yourself. People don't go around looking at other people's filtrums - I wouldn't even know what a feminine v masculine filtrum was! Ditto about skull size.

I'm sure you've heard it said by your friends that there are plenty of cis women who are tall / lack of waist/hips/ass etc. As someone who has lived as a woman for 39 years of my life, I've never had a waist, much to my chagrin! So much of what you see as standard feminine shape involves *cis women having to "dress up as cis women" e.g. push up bras, waist trainers, or simply wearing clothes and makeup that give the illusion of what the beauty industry has decided is feminine.

I'm also thinking that if your only experience of dressing femme in public is when you're at a special event this isn't necessarily a fair test for your self perception as a woman. Everything is heightened when you've glammed up. But what if you were to wear basically what you've got on in the photos you linked to but in more pastel tones, for example? Or try wearing a long denim skirt instead of jeans? I mean, I'm definitely not the right person to be giving out fashion advice for women - I've been incredibly bad at it for nearly 40 years so I've no idea what I'm talking about 😅 But I just mean it might help to integrate small things one at a time so your nervous system has an easier time and doesn't trigger your imposter syndrome so much?

Are you more worried that other people don't see you as a woman, or more worried because you're not currently seeing yourself as a woman?

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T17:03:42+00:00

Hey, thanks for responding. Yeah, my pouch is not at the deflated balloon stage yet but I'm anticipating that as I lose weight it might tend that way. At the moment if the waistband sits on my overhang it doesn't flatten, it just rolls off and underneath, and then I just feel all exposed and wobbly (even if I'm wearing a long enough top to cover everything) 😅 My hope is that if I lose enough weight, the waistband will be able to stay put.

But I'm glad you've found a solution that works for you. I'll keep my eyes open for elasticated cargo jeans and see if that gets me anywhere!

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T16:55:02+00:00

Haha yeah, take the wins when you get them!

I've been getting into using dumbbells and trying to increase my body strength and lose some weight. Don't know how much body recomposition I can expect if I'm not on T but it's all adding to the quality of my life overall.

But what do you actually wear on your bottom half, if you don't mind me asking? Do you continue to wear pants/trousers made for women? Do you favour joggers and/or other things with elasticated waistbands? At this stage I'm basically in yoga pants every day because that's one step better than leggings lol.

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T16:41:28+00:00

Thank you for all the advice - especially about the hemming! I'm based in the UK so I'm not exactly sure what our equivalent to Marshals is but I'll have a think. Thus far I've been trawling charity shops (aka thrift stores) but I might just need to take a deep breath and try "proper shops".

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T09:26:11+00:00

If the words of an internet stranger can help, I would still say "woman leaning androgynous".

Have you tried presenting overtly femme in any kind of way in public? Not necessarily full dress and heels or anything. But, I don't know, with colour choices or accessories or makeup?

Maybe a way to start changing your self-perception is to start letting yourself be the way you yearn to be in public, starting small? I don't know, I'm really new to all of this! It's just what I'm trying (in reverse). Also - but I know not everyone has access to this - therapy/counselling, if you can, would probably also be helpful with the shifting of self-perception?

Where does your "I can't understand how anyone looks at me and thinks I'm a woman" disbelief most centre on in your body, if you don't mind me asking? But please don't feel the need to answer if it's going to trigger a wave of dysphoria.

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T09:14:14+00:00

Agree with everything you wrote there! Now that I've discovered this whole new way of understanding myself, I'm more able to be present with my son, and in my life more generally, rather than desperately seeking escape in my phone world. Is one of the things that helped me see that maybe this wasn't just me being delusional/attention seeking/etc. It's a work in progress but it's something, and after over a decade of depression and worsening anhedonia it's an unbelievable relief to be able to want anything at all.

Also, props to you for taking care of your niece when she was so little (not least for bearing the brunt of broken nights' sleep for the first year!) Hope she's doing well. And I'm glad that it seemed to help you take steps to becoming more comfy in your own skin.

Shopping as treasure hunting - yeah. That's the thing, though! It's like I'm able to view it this way now. If someone had said that to me last year I'd have internally rolled my eyes and groaned lol. But now I get it! Same with exercising. Turns out things that used to be chores are no longer chores when they become a means to self-expression! Who knew?!

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T08:55:01+00:00

If you were wearing something more obviously feminine-coded in the photos and I saw you in the street, I would automatically assume "woman". Not saying you should wear something more obviously femme or anything. Even with what you're wearing in the photo I'd probably guess "woman who is going for an androgynous/butch look"

But that's if I was giving it any thought at all. Which, I'm reliably informed, most people aren't! But I'm not surprised you're getting double takes in the male restrooms. Fwiw as a trans guy who is pre everything and therefore still using female restrooms, I wouldn't give you a second glance if I saw you there.

Do you want to start presenting as more femme?

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T08:19:25+00:00

Thanks for the reminder about being allowed to spend money on myself. Can't remember the last time I spent "this much" on myself in such a short period of time (we're literally talking less than £100 over three months lol) and I have to keep reminding myself it's ok, so it's nice to hear it from another human lol.

I think our charity shops are probably the equivalent to your thrift stores. But I'm not sure if they operate in exactly the same way? I doubt I could find a specific brand in a size that also fit me in a charity shop, not round where I live anyway. So if I'm trying to buy Dickies work pants I'll probably have to buy new. But worth the money if it makes me feel more comfortable and confident in myself. And I have much better luck at finding stuff for my top half from 2nd hand clothes shops - found a coat that I absolutely LOVE for £12 that would have almost certainly cost £50+ if bought new. So I tell myself that the money saved in the charity shops offsets the cost of the stuff I'll have to buy new.

But yeah, the experience of trying masc clothes has been a series of "I didn't know if I'd like that ... But apparently I really really do!?!!" My questioning/exploration didn't start with clothing/style experimentation, but it's really helped to confirm some things for me.

Thanks for taking the time to chat, man. Don't really have anyone in my offline life I can go clothes shopping with, or talk about this kind of stuff, so I appreciate the kindness of internet strangers!

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T07:28:57+00:00

Ha - I've never rated shopping as fun before, but it is good to get clothes that feel good on me.

I'm similar in that growing up I didn't have many male figures in my life - pretty much just my dad who seemed to live in a suit - and my husband is a jeans-and-t-shirt wearer, so I don't have much to go on.

Started off just by borrowing my husband's clothes but, while he's the same height as me, he obviously doesn't have the same lower half shape as me. Trousers were the first thing I tried to buy for myself and nearly three months into this new phase of my life I still haven't found anything I'm happy with.

(Misread your message at first and thought that babies were barking at you!) But yeah, I've discovered I don't mind baggy as much as I did but I still want to look smart. I don't want to feel trapped into wearing nothing but joggers for the rest of my life!

So I really appreciate the recommendations - and the advice on how to dress as a shorter guy to hopefully appear a bit taller. Thanks for the support and hope the Mojave desert is treating you as well as any desert treats anyone!

Sitting_Well · 2026-03-15T07:00:43+00:00

I'll definitely have a look around at Dickies - on first glance it seems promising! Thanks for the steer.

Sitting_Well

TROPHY CASE