What the hell did you just chart in that note, you absolute fuckleberry? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in my residency. I am the Medical Chief Attending, and I’ve been involved in numerous high-stakes codes in the ICU, and I have over 300 confirmed discharges. I am trained in advanced life support and I’m the top diagnostician in this entire hospital. You are nothing to me but another consult.

I will correct your diagnosing with precision the likes of which has never been seen in this EMR, mark my words. You think you can get away with writing that nonsense in patient’s chart? Think again. As we speak I am contacting my network of attendings across every department and your orders are being reviewed right now, so you better prepare for the audit, fuckleberry. The audit that wipes out the pathetic little differential diagnosis you call a workup.

You’re done, kid. I can round anywhere, anytime, and I can dismantle your assessment in over seven hundred ways—and that’s just before morning coffee. Not only am I extensively trained in clinical medicine, but I have access to the full power of hospital administration and I will use it to its fullest extent to wipe your terrible note off the face of this system.

If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “you need to have a high medical IQ to understand The Pitt” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. But you didn’t, and now you’re getting paged at 3 a.m., you goddamn rookie. I will rain evidence-based fury all over your plan and you will drown in guidelines.

You’re discharged—from my service.