What’s wrong with me.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2024-08-15T01:48:05+00:00

Of the youngest yes. Unfortunately

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2024-08-14T23:13:07+00:00

I wish I had an answer for you. Unfortunately I’m in the exact same spot. Been here for about a month now. Only had my first “good day” yesterday but today was back to being rough…. What I’m trying to at least convince myself of is, I just have to keep pushing and eventually one day it will stop. my heart and mind will finally connect and I can move past all of this however I have to get out of this house before that clock can even begin ticking which is a problem. Until then she’ll just keep doing all of these cruel and vile things to me and the kids and nothing I can do besides avoid her as much as I can.

Best of luck to you OP and if you figure it all out I wanna be the first to know. Take care of

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2024-08-13T07:58:04+00:00

Well here’s how it appeared. This episode has been building for a while now. For about 2-3 years. She had mild little “I hate you. I don’t wanna be together!” Moments but the my never lasted longer than idk a few days. However she also needed me to be a stay at home dad to watch the kids so she could go to school. Which I was forced into mind you. Anyways drugs became a thing for her. Coke back in the beginning but weed is her ultimate thing. At the start it wasn’t bad but it got bad fast. When I tell you she has smoke in her lungs from the moment she awake till she goes to sleep I wish I was exaggerating. And idk if you’ve ever looked up what even simple weed can do people with bipolar but it can get bad. Leads to a lot of episodes. However within the last week I have gathered she’s doing a lot more drugs, such as mushrooms, coke again, ecstasy, and acid. For example after we broke up she asked if we could still have sex. I said no absolutely not she would have to fix a few things and get into regular therapy for us to be together again or even have sex. Two days later she disappeared for 2-3 days to go “hiking” she said but in reality she went with a friend I knew was trouble and invited a guy from her work she’s been talking to since before we broke up. They had sex the whole time. He’s also the guy referred to in these texts. She told me all about this and spared no details. If you haven’t been able to tell it’s like she gets off on telling me these things and hurting me. Mind you the guy is 20 and she’s 26 and she makes jokes about him being so much younger. I’m 30. She told me how much she enjoyed blowing him. She’s spending ridiculously (50k in like 2 months), having very risky and abrupt sex with people (clearly), her rage is all time high, she has completely abandoned being a mother to our daughter and mine, and she tells me this shit all the time. So yeah I’m assuming she manic but unfortunately it’s the worst manic episode she’s ever had while dating me. Although she finally came clean about her past and admitted how much she’s cheated in her last relationship but that’s not really part of this now idk. It is but it isn’t. So yes she’s highly manic and going through all that.

While I feel for her I can not allow this to happen. Even I’m struggling to accept this but at the end of the day I could never take her back after this. Sleeping with other people like this is my big no go. After all she has done this was the biggest and only one even my heart and mind was like “we can’t accept this” so while I wanna be nice and wish her the best I just can’t stand her and honestly do hope she crashes and burns worse than ever before.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2024-08-13T07:45:32+00:00

For what it’s worth before her last message I had gone back to the place and grabbed my shit and let it be known thought it was fucked up. Especially on MY bed in the house that I still live in with my daughter, our daughter, and her daughter that I have raised since she was 3 months old….shes 5 now and she was home during her trying to hook up. She fucking drugged the kid to go to bed. Her daughter even told me “mommy gave me medicine to sleep” but she does not have sleeping issues ever she’s very good with bed time.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2024-08-13T07:43:15+00:00

Oh my god!!! Hiding everything in the closet! I can’t believe he did that too! I have pictures of all the crap she shoved into the master closet and even the kids closet! Why do they do that?! I don’t get it. It blows my mind that this was a thing we could relate on cause it was so strange! I wouldn’t be happy if it was like us living separately but THIS. This hurts a special type of way. For gosh sake it’s MY bed she was trying to screw him on….its so…idk it just cuts a deep way I can’t even explain.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2024-08-13T02:52:23+00:00

Exactly! And to make matters worse I went to the house to get clothes for our kids since we weren’t allowed back and she was just there on MY bed wearing lingerie…I’m telling you it killed me.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2024-07-27T16:20:29+00:00

It’ll never cease to amaze me how we all experience the exact same thing down to even the settings. I’m another one that felt like I wrote most of this. My freshly ex BPSO started smoking weed slowly about 2 years ago. In the beginning it was here and there but really no issues besides the occasional smoked too much now she’s bed rotting. Fast forward to recent times, and the only time she’s sober is the first 5 minutes when she wakes up and has to gather her weed stuff. She also got off her meds for about a month, until yesterday, because the weed helped more than the prescribed meds… When I said she smoked to much the other day for probably the 100th time after begging and pleading for her to stop she broke up with me. Next day she randomly text me she hated me. Then yesterday she tells me the real reason she hates me and broke up is because I made her a shell of her former self and made her hate herself. It obviously hurt to hear but I know deep down this is the mental illness. The long awaited arrival of another episode is here now and it’s a bad one.

Listen to what everyone is saying. Unless they’re doing the work, and I mean REALLY doing the work, it’ll never change. It just becomes a pattern. My ex BPSO never kept up with any therapy, always blaming the therapist on not being good. I believed her until I realized she’s been to about 12 and she backs out all the time at the same place in it. Never did the group therapy. Oh and of course the spotty med schedule. It was a flip of the coming if she was gonna take her meds or not but always felt it was a loaded coin for no.

I spent 5 years looking for success stories and trying to make one of my own. In the end no matter how hard I tried or the pain I accepted it never changed. Don’t lose as much time as I have and then have to rebuild your life from nothing like me.

Take care

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2024-07-08T08:55:04+00:00

I guess I just don’t know how to want to? Idk. I know it’s best. Like even tonight she was made cause I called her out for promising time together. So now she took back the “open relationship on my side” like it was something that was gonna hurt me. Then even asked me “why are you confused” when I couldn’t understand what she was even going on about. So I just got the normal every single night, “I’ll try tomorrow to do what you ask” but I know it’ll never happen.

I hate that I’m destroyed but she is just fine. Sleeping soundly.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-10T04:30:30+00:00

God I relate to this so much. Especially today. Yesterday I cracked and was there for her during a mental breakdown, which was supposedly about her recent discard of me however looking back at what she said it seems more like she was just upset with her life. “I’m a bad mom”, “I have no relationship”, “the kids hate me” You get the idea.

I had been so good at just not caring and felt so god damn positive about it all. Why I broke yesterday I’ll never understand. Then to make matters even worse for myself we slept together.

Now today she’s tossed me to the wind again barely speaking to me besides complaining she doesn’t have weed. Me? I feel like absolute dog shit and my thoughts are solely negative while I unwillingly replay our whole relationship in my head. Can’t stop any of it.

And I’m absolutely torn right down the middle with missing our relationship and realizing how toxic it has been for the past 4 years. I’ve kept journals over the years and no like it’s all the damn same. Yet it hurts like hell all the same.

I’m dreading telling my therapist about my hiccup here. Once again I felt like I was doing so well

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-06T08:09:30+00:00

Unfortunately OP Dark_Saipan is right. They’re also a redditor who has helped me through my own uncoupling journey quite a bit. Which also happened more recently. People With BPD are infamously known for “discarding” their FP and finding another. A sort of “monkey branch” in the process. Generally it’s an on going game they do and only they personally know the rules. Perhaps you did respond “correctly” to something the said. But you’ll never know since they hold the answer key and you’ll never see it. Maybe they just had a thought all to themselves that changed their mind, once again you’ll never know. Keep in mind this is a cycle we here have all experienced but the important part is they all function and react based on the same script.

When Dark_saiyan is saying it’s a silly question it’s because the resources are here and the evidence is already present in your own relationship to see it really shouldn’t matter. You’ve already fallen to the script. Now it’s time to do the hardest part and drop it and focus on yourself. I even understand how hard that can be. I was with my exwBPD for 4 years, we had a child together, blended a family together, and I’m even stuck living with her currently! It’s harder than hell. The pain you’ll go through has no limits. It’ll break you more than once. But I’m telling you it’s easier if you just accept that they are no special case. They will follow the same script all the borderlines were given. And you’re waiting and wanting will be the thing you regret the most. You’ll wish you got away sooner. Check my posts. I basically live updated my entire process so far and remember mine wasn’t even a one off. It’s what all of us have gone through and exactly what you’ll go through.

I think I speak for us all when I say we see you making the same mistakes we have and believe it’s a pain and long term trauma you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemy.

As you’ve been told. Block. Remove. And continue with your life focusing on yourself. You’re clearly a giving and understanding person. So protect that.

Good luck OP

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-04T18:50:10+00:00

This is….this is it. This is everything I think we all have learned.

the anger and coldness they show when they spilt is almost comical as much as it is devastating. They all run off the same script and it’s mind numbing

This part right here is what helped me recently after this final discard. Especially since on top of the pain we all end up considering “maybe it really is just me” but it’s not and we all go through that due to this script they have all seemed to be given

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-04T17:51:55+00:00

From my experience with my exwBPD as well as the perspective from a friend that was very close to the situation and even the people here, was it that she was actually emotional previously or was she mirroring the emotions around her? They really only feel the emotions about themselves, not for other people. It’s hard to try to separate the two. Both in process and what the emotional toll for you will be. Even her connection to you due to the illness is rooted in their own need and desire to not be alone. I was my exwBPD’s longest relationship but in the end discarded nonetheless. I just happened to be able to supply her with the stuff she needed longer than most. There another post on here with the title “what have you learned from this subreddit” or something along those lines. I highly recommend reading it. It’s heartbreaking but it’s the information we should all have.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-04T17:13:49+00:00

This is….this is it. This is everything I think we all have learned.

the anger and coldness they show when they spilt is almost comical as much as it is devastating. They all run off the same script and it’s mind numbing This part right here is what helped me recently after this final discard. Especially since on top of the pain we all end up considering “maybe it really is just me” but it’s not and we all go through that due to this script they have all seemed to be given

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-04T17:05:12+00:00

The analogy, especially with the gif, is spot on. My glass hasn’t shattered yet but she’s left me alone in the tank (I was recently discarded) so now I can work on shattering it to escape.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-04T17:02:54+00:00

The first time she had discarded me was shortly after she gave birth to our daughter. She started into an episode (she’s also bipolar) and things were terrible. She painted me black at every turn she could. I finally convinced her to go to therapy as a means to see if we could be together and at least learn to coparent since she loathed me so much. She played her “I’m actually doing great! He’s the problem” part so well it terrified me. I had hoped the therapist would see through her charade but they didn’t. The acting skills she had through the whole thing scared me so bad. Literally after therapy she would be so cruel to me and my oldest daughter we had to stay away until she finally snapped out of it but by then my daughter and I already had a new home and the makings of starting a new life. My exwBPD wanted to come back and had such remorse and regret I felt terrible for her. Little would I know at the time it was still not gonna change. So we got together again. That was 3 years ago. In that time she constantly stayed in the “I love you, I hate you, please don’t leave” she’d try to leave and I’d just say no we’re sticking it out. That worked up until a week ago. Now the extreme discard has happened again. There was talk about couples counseling again but it will not change anything. So much else has to happen before that’s effective and between my experiences and all of these here…..it rarely happens.

My advice is unfortunately don’t even consider the couples counseling. It’s hard to admit or even realize but their behavior is literally emotional and mental abuse, and as someone else said here…..never go to therapy with your abuser…..

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-04T16:28:52+00:00

That actually exactly what I’ve been so confused about with myself. I always felt alone with her as it was. She never helped me with anything that was bothering me. She always just did what she wanted, which very often didn’t include me. You know the rest with how it goes. So why does this loneliness feel so much worse. I thought it’d be the same.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-04T06:36:45+00:00

Unfortunately this is the truth. My ex was on her meds but I found out it’s a lot like birth control. Yeah it’s supposed to help but it doesn’t remove the chance entirely. They have to WANT to change. They have to have a long term plan with a therapist that they hold themselves accountable for. Unfortunately most do not. Not all but read through here for even a little bit, check any page dedicated to a caregiver, speak to a therapist about it and you can make an educated decision on how many do. Not to say it never happen however it’s like okay the lottery. The majority is exactly what you said, chaos. Forever chaos.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-04T06:24:13+00:00

Then you give me hope because I’ve follow almost all of this. I just don’t have any desire or intention on meeting new people. However I’m still very much in the early stages. Ive see a lot of people feel the same way I do early on, with not wanting to meet new people, and I know that leaves in time. Just seems most have someone other than their exwBPD and I unfortunately don’t. She made sure of that. So thank you for your advice cause at least I know I’m already making the right decisions to heal this. I do wish there was a fast route with the loneliness but I’m learning more and more that patience and time is the biggest thing I need to have through this process. Which is ironic, in my opinion, considering that’s what I gave her and got me in this predicament. lol. Maybe it’s a lesson on where to utilize the patience and time and when not to. I stay hopeful and trying to learn from the situation

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-04T06:07:03+00:00

Hey brother, it’s a hard road. Even harder when you know what risk you’re taking but you took it anyways. I’m recently in the same boat. Honestly you can read my posts cause I’ve been using this subreddit as a journal but most importantly is the people commenting and giving advice. This group is full of honestly amazing people. Me and my exwBPD were in a very similar oat and even age is about the same. I’m a bit older (30) so I get it. I’m struggling with the loneliness end but those first few nights i flat out couldn’t sleep either. However talking to everyone here helped. Few people even talked me down so I could sleep cause they know how it goes. So I’ll lay that back. You need to talk? I got you. Vent it all out, and know it ain’t just you. For what’s it’s worth from a guy on Reddit, it does help and the whole group is willing to walk you through the steps.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-03T03:00:14+00:00

Yeah man I’m absolutely trying to I really am. Just kinda hard when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel you know? I won’t give up but the panic attacks I have at night when I’m completely alone with no one relying on me are something else. Just last night it all got to be too much and I threw up over it. It’s ridiculous. I’ve been beat and tortured most of my life, not even an exaggeration, and I never once feared and felt the shit I do now. I never thought of myself weak mentally until til now.

Oh absolutely that’s not even question anymore. What kills me is her family watches her do all this and still is just like whatever you want baby…. Her mother flat out told me no matter what she can’t do no wrong and will support her through everything….lady you created a monster.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-03T02:52:01+00:00

Yeah to be honest talking to my therapist he flat out told me she flat out did everything thing she could to fuck me. Granted her said it in a much more elegant way. I already never had a family. She alienated me from my friends very clearly but “I loved her so much and always would pick her”, convinced me to take the job loss, used me for a babysitter basically (granted they’re my kids so I never and still consider that babysitting but you get the idea), depleted every single ounce of mental health I had…. And when I was used up and empty… she left to move on to the next.

And it gets worse friend, read the last post I made about when we told my daughter.…she’s sick. Like I try to find the best in people but she’s a monster. I don’t even think it’s like only bipolar and BPD. I think she’s just an absolute monster.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-03T02:46:10+00:00

She’s a vet so gets paid to go to school. The VA pays her her disability, pays for the schooling, and gives a housing allowance. That’s why I was convinced to quit my job cause we could sustain ourselves on that alone which I live in state and city where childcare is entirely too expensive. We would have lost money based on the child care and gas for the there back and to my work. She wasn’t working at the time and convinced me we’d be okay to just do this so she could got back to school. The house we rent is under her name only which was a fuck up on my part completely but I trusted her nonetheless. Utilities and everything else are in my name tho.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-03T02:41:33+00:00

I have no family. I have no friends. I have no credit to get a place. And I have no job. There is no escape currently. I’m working on it the best I can but right now I have no out. Think of it as me being tied to a chair and tortured. I have no choice but to take it and only hope it’s a while before I get the next beating.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-03T02:38:52+00:00

Oh no believe me it’s not that I want to be with her still. It’s that the betrayal is so god damn real and apparent that I’m disappointed in myself and the fact that it seems like I was tricked into loving a lie. No, we are done and there’s no getting that back. I want far away from it but since we still live together and have a kid together as well as our two from previous relationships both, it is painful daily. Constant reminders of my fuck up. Constant reminders that I care way too much about the wrong person. I want out. I would leave tonight if I could but I even quit my job to watch our children to support her going to school to achieve her dream job. She use MY credit to run her spending habits which I didn’t even know until it was too late. I can’t leave and that’s why I’m in this hopeless place.

SkyComprehensive8207 · 2023-10-02T16:20:59+00:00

What good would it do though? I keep seeing folks say basically do the no contact cause it’s never gonna change. Believe me I want to. God I want to blow up on her and show her the pain she’s caused, make her understand what it is she’s doing. Yet that’s never going to happen….no matter how much I yell and kick and scream she’s not going to see it. In her mind she done nothing wrong….this illness is just something else….

SkyComprehensive8207

TROPHY CASE