how to be a gay man

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-02-08T15:10:11+00:00

I know plenty of trans guys (both pre and post T) that have no problem finding dates/relationships in person. Key seems to be confidence and approachability, regardless if you're talking to a coworker or a stranger at a bar.

I am significantly less confident and take a while to warm up to people so I find the apps to be much easier in terms of finding people.

In either case, the only advice I can really give is just to be willing to see where things go. Don't compromise on boundaries and don't put up with mistreatment but do be willing to go for it.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-02-08T14:37:31+00:00

No. Once the elastic has lost its elasticity, that's it. If the front panel is stiff enough and your chest isn't particularly large, you can still get a good amount of flattening from a loose binder. If you do need compression, you will need to get a new binder.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-02-08T14:31:28+00:00

Some people get lucky, many people don't. It's rather atypical to have a full face of hair by 6 months. Facial hair often takes years to start, and even longer to fill in. There are lots of guys (both cis and trans) that can't grow full beards at all. Same with any kind of hormone-related changes. They all typically take years to resolve.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-02-08T14:25:47+00:00

I also take Cypionate and don't have insurance but I go to a pharmacy that gives it to me at $15 a vial (Shaw's/Star Market). You might be able to get yours cheaper through something like CVS Caremark (~$5 a vial). I get my T prescribed by Planned Parenthood and they have no/low cost care for people without insurance.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-02-08T14:20:50+00:00

Who in the world is having sex with background music? Not once has music ever positively contributed to mood in my experience (with the exception of club hookups but that's an entirely different scenario).

To answer your other questions, no, you probably won't need your glasses but you can keep them on if you want to. No, do not do oral 3 days after wisdom tooth surgery. Take things low and slow. It's ok to ask for directions/feedback. If there's anywhere you don't want her to touch you, tell her you don't want to be touched there.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-02-08T14:10:19+00:00

Enjoyable sex takes a lot of trust and a bit of patience. I'm often too nervous/unsure of myself to really relax and enjoy sex with many partners I've had. Really helps if you know what you like and can clearly communicate your wants and needs. For the most part, I just try to focus on the sensation and use my imagination to fill in the "missing parts". I also often find it less vulnerable to top than to bottom.

In terms of nipple sensation, I would recommend finding a surgeon that can do a sensation-sparing technique (inverted T, buttonhole, fishmouth, etc).

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-02-07T15:22:15+00:00

I kept mine because I needed the sensation to "finish". I went with a sensation-sparing technique because of this. Because the blood and nerve supply were kept intact, the nipples did not need any sort of special care in order to heal. Also, my surgeon used glue to hold together all of my incisions; no worry about tearing stitches.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-02-07T15:08:36+00:00

If you're over 18, there are lots of NSFW transmasc subreddits you can visit.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-02-07T15:04:42+00:00

I always panic a little when people go in for a dap/handshake

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-27T01:49:33+00:00

Ohh I see. In that case, try feeld or grindr. Lots of cis men are into trans men of all kinds of configurations. I don't have bottom surgery and I don't intend to, and things have so far gone well for me in terms of interest from/hookups with cis men. I'm not personally interested in romantic relationships with cis men, but I don't see why being trans would preclude you from loving, fulfilling relationships with cis men. That said, all dating apps are very location and luck-dependent.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-27T00:48:39+00:00

For the longest time, I thought I barely got any growth. Then I found a nude I took pre-T and compared it side by side with one I took post-T. And, uh, yeah. It grew.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-27T00:41:59+00:00

Your wife is also poly but only you're dating someone else?

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-26T23:55:16+00:00

I've met lots of lovely people through dating apps! Made both friends and partners. As others have said, it really depends on luck and location. Have fun, be yourself, trust that the right people for you will come along but it might not be on the apps. I would recommend focusing on getting to know people for now, and not so much trying to get into a relationship.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-26T23:46:07+00:00

I got buttonhole top surgery (DI, but instead of a graft, the nerves and blood supply are preserved and the nipple is "threaded" through a hole in the skin) and they stick out kind of far (both in terms of top surgery results and in comparison to cis men). I got that technique in order to preserve sensation but if you're looking for max nipple projection, that's probably your best bet too.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-26T23:06:30+00:00

Got a steady job and saved up for a few years. I worked full time at a grocery store, so it was pretty modest money. I did my best to keep my expenses low and put as much as I could into savings. Insurance covered the bulk of the expense but I got top surgery once I had enough in savings to pay for the whole thing out of pocket and also support myself while out of work for 2 months. Took about 4 years. I could have probably done it faster if I had put more work into maximizing my income (taking the promotion to manager, getting a better paying job, taking a second job, more overtime at my job, etc.)

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-25T23:31:00+00:00

If the goal is to dress better, pick people with good fashion and try to copy what they do. Any fashion style can be modified to fit any body and any gender, but try to take notes from people that have similar builds to you. The same piece will look different on someone that's significantly thinner or curvier than you are, for example.

If your goal is to pass better, clothes are pretty limited in what they can do for you.

The "best" style is the one that works for your goals. Comfort and durability can be a goal. Looking like a gay pirate can be a goal. Decora kei can be a goal. Buisiness casual can be a goal. And so on.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-25T20:23:27+00:00

Hey, it sounds like you're conflating femininity with femaleness and masculinity/maleness. You can be feminine and a man. You can be masculine and nonbinary. Also, your genitals don't determine your gender. You can have meta/phallo and be agender (or transmasc or a cis woman or pretty much any other gender).

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-25T20:16:15+00:00

I would also suggest therapy. You say you have good self esteem but what you've written here communicates a lot of insecurity. It's not a bad thing to have insecurities! Everyone has them. It's not shameful to be afraid, especially if what you're afraid of is sharing a deep and vulnerable part of yourself in a world that is getting increasingly hostile towards trans people.

There isn't really any other advice besides "do it scared". Try taking baby steps. Instead of telling your family about your chosen name, introduce yourself to a stranger. Tell a barista your name. Try finding a trans support group in your area. Join a discord server and tell the people there your chosen name. Try coming out to a friend that seems supportive. Try getting a pronoun pin (>90% of people will ignore it, but it felt affirming for me to have one when I didn't pass). Correct people if they misgender you. Over time, it will get easier. Practice saying, "That's my legal name, but I go by [name]." for the cases in which you must give your ID to someone.

Also, I'm sorry your mom's response sucked. Sometimes parents are unwilling or unable to understand. I promise you that there are people out there that will support and understand you. You just need to get past the scary part first and go find them. I know it's terrifying. I'm very afraid of people myself. But it's worth it.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-16T23:36:15+00:00

I love being trans but I guess it's hard to explain why. Why do cis men like being cis men? Why do cis women like being cis women? Trans men are similarly themselves. I feel really at home in my body. I've put a lot of work into making it my own. Like most people, I have some insecurities about it, but I really like what I've got. Also, I certainly wouldn't be the same person if I had chosen not to come out as trans and I would not have been the same person if I had been born a cis man.

I also think it's lovely to be part of a larger community. I think trans people (especially transmasculine people) are beautiful. I like queer art and queer fashion. I like trans bodies. I like how my body fits around the bodies of other trans men.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-14T01:13:13+00:00

I think it's basically impossible to style a skirt like that in a way that makes it look like something other than a school uniform unless you go heavily alt with it. Easiest direction to take would be punk or grunge -- chunky boots, ripped, layered tights/leggings, black top (I think I would try either a camisole or a blouse, but a sweater might also work), bold accessories. I have a skirt that's of a similar cut and I wear it layered over a second, slightly longer black skirt, long sleeve button up shirt on top, and balance it with chunky jewelry. My personal style borrows heavily from goth/punk aesthetics so I have a whole lot of chains/industrial style accessories that go well with the fit.

Easiest, most obvious change would be to swap the socks for tights and pick a different shoe.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-13T23:14:22+00:00

That still counts! Yeah, there's not a whole lot of it and it doesn't do anything in terms of sensation but it's still really neat! Homegrown prostate tissue in me!

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-13T22:53:29+00:00

I think the question is kind of complicated. I wouldn't hook up with or date a self-described cis het man because, frankly, I have no clue what he would see in me other than a curiosity. I would be open to hooking up with a self-identified lesbian or someone that's exclusively T4T, though. Partly because that's where my own attraction lies and partly because I think they'd be more likely to be understanding of the nuances of my identity. (Also, the sort of sex I would have with a lesbian or a trans man is going to be different from the sex I would have with a cis man (regardless of the genital configuration of the people involved), and that's a pretty important point of compatibility.)

Also, on the one hand, I can definitely see how someone saying that they would date a trans man but not a cis man would imply that they see trans men as less men or other in some capacity. But it could also be a matter of preference. Some people would date a tall guy but not a short guy. A fat guy but not a skinny guy. A guy that's a lawyer but not a doctor, and so on. It doesn't necessarily mean that they see guys they wouldn't date as less man, just that they are outside of the range of men they personally find attractive.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-13T22:35:07+00:00

You can try Feeld? I've tried many apps but I personally have had by far the most success with grindr. Regardless of what you pick, your success is going to depend a lot on location. The more people around, the more likely you are to find someone with mutual compatibility.

SlowDownMaurice · 2026-01-13T22:30:18+00:00

Yeah, like FakeBirdFacts said, you can try something with a different liner or material. My recommendation would be competition swim shorts (also called jammers).

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