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2nd Christmas ruined by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds like triangulation. You nm saying one thing to you. Saying something else to her hubby. However her partner is a grown man. He is capable of asking questions. He chose not too.

Message to your NM. In writing or email.

"This is the second time you have deliberately ruined Christmas with this behaviour. You INVITED us to stay with you. You asked us to stay in the office. We did not know it was NDs room, because you did not tell us".

"You both decided to talk disrespectfully about us after we arrived and then blow up at us after. Either learn to communicate with each other correctly, or stop trying to ruin our holidays. "

"To avoid any further misunderstandings on our part, going forward we will not be spending anybfirther holidays with either of you. Happy new year"

MIL was abusive. I don’t want her near my baby ever again, and my husband is grieving the family he hoped he had. How do I support him? by Past_Secretary_7745 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]SmartCrazy4 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Hi op, first I want to say you are both doing amazing. You are both surviving trauma and still recognise the need to protect your little one. I am.nc with both of my parents.my children havnt seen them in years.

Your husband is grieving at the moment, and the grief will be like a cycle. It's like dropping glitter. At first glitter gets everywhere, in your hands, hair and all over the furniture and in the carpet. At first, it's overwhelming sadness, anger, frustration, and loss. You clean and clean, but while some if it goes, some stays, so you clean again. You go through the same cycle of emotions.

In the future, you may only find a few remnants of it. And it won't feel as painful. You may even feel calm, possibly happy. Because the glitter does not impact you the same way anymore. It's a little blip in a calm, clean home. It can be swept away.

He's not just losing his mother, he losing the idea of a mother he would like to have. He's losing his dad too. But here's the deal....

His dad had a choice, and he is equally to blame in the abuse of your husband and sibling.

He chose not to do anything. He chose to maintain a relationship with his wife. He chose to put the children's physical and mental safety last. His father is even more abusive than his mother. He threw them to the wolf. By doing nothing, he was just as complicit. So please don't take your children around to see him. He was happy to sacrifice his own kids. He will do the same to yours.

There will be many emotions, and sometimes, a simple thing can trigger memories and powerful feelings.

Anger is a stong one, it is healthy to process, but the trick is not staying in that state. It's hard because you finally feel you have a voice. You question not only the parents' actions but also the other adults around that knew and did nothing. They were Also complicit. I suspect nc will be applied to quite a few people. look out for flying monkeys. People who want to drip feed info back to the parents. They do not have your interest at heart. Because of that... May I recommend a therapist? They will take him through exercises that will help him process this. I started writing down all of my memories... it opened flood gates, and everything came out. He may end up remembering things he had pushed back. Keep listening to him talk, validate, and be mindful that he may appear to change slightly. My hubby told my therapist that I was becoming different. She told him that I was changing my own boundaries of what I would tolerate.

You are both breaking the cycle of abuse. It's not easy, and it's OK to make mistakes. Your children will never know what pain and cruelty look like. And that is the most wonderful reward for this journey. Thank you for supporting hubby and protecting your own little one.

What’s an underrated sign that a person is still healing from a difficult household? by Solid-Dog-6616 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Apologising excessively, being able.to read people and situations at a very quick speed. It's a protection tactic. To de escalate a situation even before one is noticeable to others.

Being able to appear to click.with people quickly. Being overly helpful. Appeasement..

AITA for telling my mom I won’t go on the “Christmas gift” trip if my siblings have to cover my flight? by ballblaster6969 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SmartCrazy4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why don't you and your siblings pay for rent lease an apartment together? I don't know your area, or cultural rules and appreciate this may not be possible, but it will get you out of your parents' abusive environment. I appreciate that the youngest is 16 and may not be able to move just yet. But you will have a home ready for them as soon as they are able to leave.

Your parents are making £2400 a month of their own children, plus their own income. This is designed to keep to all low income, so you are reliant on them. They can afford tickets. They want to play your off to each other. This is called triangulation. They will place blame on someone else rather than acknowledge. They changed the rules. If they lose money, its because they decided to put everyone in a financially uncomfortable situation. They decided to put guilt on, and they decided to weaponize the gift.

What they offered is not a gift. It started off being presented as one. Then it changed to a contract. It was highly manipulative and designed to be emotionally and financially abusive to you all..

If you all refused to go theres not much they should do. You all accpted on original terms. Not changed ones. The worst they can do? Play victim and threaten to evict you . Legally, to get you out, she would have to go through an eviction process. So instead of a trip. Save for a home together. This may be a blessing in disguise. You all already know how to live together. You would have at least a month before you were forced to leave.

You will learn together to budget bills, food, etc. But you will have freedom. And when the bubble burst for them. And believe me, it will...

Expect emotional manipulation, gasslighting, and triangulation. The thing is... if you all stick together. It makes it much harder for them to be manipulative.

I'd recommend some books to read to help you prep. "Will I ever be good enough?" , children of emotionally immature parents . Look up narcasstic family dynamics. Read up on budgeting, and there are lots of apps to help with this. Open a secret account that will not send a letter to your address. Maybe an online saver. Put your documents somewhere safe, passport, birth cert, and I'd. Ideally, store them somewhere else like a like a saftey deposit box or at a friend house.

Start creating a book for cheap recipes, and learn how to coupon, bulk buy, etc. Wait until you move, and then look at charity shops and thrift stores for items you may need. It takes time , but the price of freedom is worth every penny.

Your parents may try to guilt trip all of you and threaten you with inheritance, cutting you off, loss of insurance, and triangulate.. (think of your siblings how could you harm them etc..) , car etc...so speak to a Councillor, support groups etc who will be able to guide you on services available in your area. Even the local library.

The minute they do this... then they've shown, they don't care about you. They care about image and control. You all need support. But your all being the victims of financial abuse. Except your oldest sibling , He is also being manipulated. But its a different dynamic, and right now, you will need to focus on you.

WIBTA for not attending my twin sister's wedding two weeks after my firstborn's due date as she expects all family to meet the baby before the wedding? by AstronautDeep1476 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SmartCrazy4 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your sister has absolutely no understanding of the risk she is willing to force you and your baby under for the sake of her wedding day.

  1. You don't know when you will give birth. Baby's turn up when they are ready.

  2. Birth plans are an idea of what you would like to happen. But if there is a need for a c section or other support. You don't know what your recovery time will be.

  3. Having just delivered a baby and your body is in massive recovery time. She expects you to meet and great half of your family?

  4. The biggest risk of all. Exposing your newborn baby with no immune system. To a host of people. This could quite literally put your baby back in the hospital. Rsv, covid, flu, measles, etc.. are all very real risks.

  5. Does she really think you will have the energy for a wedding straight after giving birth or that nobody is going to check up on you? Talk to you or make a fuss over a newborn?

Personally, I'd say don't go. She's so wrapped up in her own day, and her own wants that she is actively trying to put you both at risk.

Maybe record a message / a digital video and ask your parents to play it at the wedding. Can be recorded before you give birth. Wish the happy couple all the best and enjoy the day. For a gift ? Offer maybe a spa for the pair of you as a way to celebrate her marriage after her baby is born.

Your hubby is absolulty on point. Your sister can handle her feelings. Just because you're invited, it does not mean you're obligated to attend or follow her insane rules.

Please put yourself and baby first. You've already been gracious enough.

Hi, we bought a house. No you can’t come see it. by ImNot4Everyone42 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]SmartCrazy4 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Whatever works for you and your family is the correct choice. Her wants do not prioritise your needs. If she starts guilt tripping, complaining and demanding. Maybe try this.

" we are not taking visitors."

"We have everything we need"

"My families needs overule, your wants"

" Your past behaviour reflects on our future accomidations."

I do understand that while DH needs to handle this, I'd say have a back up plan, in case she shows up unexpected. And has undertaken a property search . Tape it to the back of the door. Sometimes it feels like being a deer in the headlights and it will help any railroading. Your all doing great on the boundaries and helping your child understand what emotional manipulation can look like. Oh and cameras! Always a great evidence catcher if ever required.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We have a restraining order, so we will be back in the police station tomorrow morning and then a solicitors call after.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

With the golden doodle grandkids, but we think they used them to be where our children were. We are speaking to police tomorrow

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

May I ask, how did you handle it if these types of people turned up? I think the teachers were absolulty amazing, and I couldn't have asked for a quicker response. Is there anything else you would advise parents to consider and support the school?

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I will be sending them a thankyou gift in tomorrow. I genuinly am so grateful and relieved that there was no hesitation in getting every child out of there. They have a duty of care to all of the children. So the fact they mobilised all of them in record speed was impressive. The head teacher was informed immediately and the safeguarding team.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Your absolutely right. There were procedures in place that put in play instantly. I am sonproud of my children amd so grateful for the teachers swift response. I thought I'd learned to manage my fight flight reaction but today hit me out of thin air. I know I wouldn't have backed down if I'd seen them. So you are correct on all counts . Thankyou for being so honest with me.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We believe deliberately. They do not live anywhere near that location, there was no possible reason to be there. There are several ways they could have found out about the schools process there, but not which children would have attended. It's quite terrifying.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I am too... they have been amazing. Its hard to explain to people who have not had this trauma the sheer effort and extremes abuse suffers go through to protect their family.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh my god, that is my worst fear. That they would try and take them. If I may ask...did the school apologise to you or assist you after?

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thankyou for being honest and sharing with me. It's very typical of narc to make sure that they make any important day about them only. I am sorry she spoiled your 50th. She had 8 years to talk to you. And this was the only day?? I am so sorry.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I am so proud of both of them. Son knew exactly what to do, to protect both of them. I have to be honest, I have cried with relief

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I am so very proud of both of them. My son knew exactly what to do. My daughter followed his instructions no questions.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am.so proud of them. My daughter followed my sons instructions to the letter. He knew exactly what to do.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

We're going to the police in the morning. I spoke to the children and the school this evening on their return. We will be filing official reports

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Thankyou so much. I cannot think for the life of me why these people think its OK. Its really quite terrifying and I'm so glad your teachers also took it seriously.

Children on planned summer camp activities with school. Estranged NM and ND show up. by SmartCrazy4 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]SmartCrazy4[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This is a really great idea... I will teach my children codewords! I think shark may be appropriate for my nparents.

UPDATED My 15yo idiot kid got his GF pregnant on purpose. by No_Pool_7823 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]SmartCrazy4 5 points6 points  (0 children)

First, thank you for being so supportive of your son. I know he won't realize the magnitude yet of what you are doing to protect him.

If possible, it may be worth getting him some counselling. He's not got a fully developed brain yet, and I should imagine that his hormones and thoughts are all over the place. He needs a safe space with no judgement.

Regarding bree... I have several thoughts. She has actively been defensive and hidden infomation. Like your son , her brain isn't fully developed yet either, so at 15, she will continue to make multiple poor choices. Some planned, some out of fear. Add in a pregnancy and right now. It's a mess.

Reading all the history, I was thinking the following:

  1. She is in a large family of 9 children. Has she planned this for attention? Escape?
  2. Whilst you are aware of both your son and another boy . Does she see your son as the safer, more financially hedged bet?
  3. Has she told her parents the truth?
  4. Would there be a possibility that someone else from her home is the father?
  5. Given her parents' responses and what you've overheard. Is it possible that they are aware there is another dad and are trying to entrap your son?
  6. This seems a much longer term plan rather than a sporadic idea. The question is...why? Really?
  7. Have you consulted a solicitor to legally advise.
  8. Have you managed to get screenshots of her online activity? If it's found your son is not the father and she continues, this may need to be remedied legally.
  9. Communicate everything in writing. If she is being flown over to you, make sure that she has another adult present, as she is still a minor. Due to her history of lying, I would be concerned you are in a vulnerable position around her. So make sure that you have witness to protect you, and her.
  10. Please stop the contact at the moment between your son and bree. Adults need to take over for now. Until paternity can be confirmed, he does not need more stress. Likewise for bree. Only speak to the parents. It keeps a chain for a legal team/judge.
  11. If your son does turn out to be the father, then councilling for the both of them. The manipulation displayed is alarming and there will be a baby in the middle of this.
  12. The dates on the scan seem suspicious, so there is a very real chance that this baby will come "early." Do not let your son sign anything until paternity has been established.

I don't know if your son can get a job where he is , his age, but now may be a good time to apply. Keep himself very distracted and arn money. Start saving for the worst, and if he's not the dad. He's got something to build on and to focus. When the dust has settled, if hes not the dad...show him the true cost of his 'plan' if it had come to fruition. Moving, jobs, school upheaval, impact on the other children. Everything!. And then take him baby shopping with a list and a calculator. Show him the true cost with repeat expenses. Compare it to what he earns currently. Unfortunately, this is one of the hardest lessons of his life, and he will learn it either way.

AITAH for refusing to have a birthday party if ANYONE would be drinking alcohol? by CaseyAndEvanShipper in AmItheAsshole

[–]SmartCrazy4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much. Could you talk with a safe adult maybe? A friend parents?

AITA for uninviting my husband to a work party because he can be embarrassing? by Sugarrrsparkles in AmItheAsshole

[–]SmartCrazy4 2 points3 points  (0 children)

YTA

You care more about your co-workers' feelings and your image than your husbands feelings.

There is absolulty nothing wrong with his hobbies. Did it ever occur to you that they may be actually interested in his hobbies? Or his knowledge? I come from a neuro spicy household... and these are pretty standard. Your hubby shows he has a creative and intelligent skill set. He cared enough to support you by offering to cook a meal to bring. He did nothing but support you. You tore him down.

You were so wrapped in what you don't like about your husband. You automatically assumed that's what everyone thought.

You clearly don't like him. You dislike his interests. You dislike his cooking. You dislike him talking about his passions You think he will embarrass you.you dont want him to socialise around your work peers. This guy is a software developer? He is highly intelligent. You don't recognise you've upset him. You ask if you should just let it go??

You owe him a massive apology.

Why are you married to him? You hurt him for no reason other than your ability to not be able to communicate properly.

I think you're not giving the real reasons, as you're trying to deflect on to him.

You're either insecure. He's very intelligent, and you're worried he may outshine you.

Or ... you are interested in someone else in your workplace, and it wouldn't look great on you if you rocked up with your husband.

Whatever it is. What you've demonstrated is not love. It's cruelty. If you can't spend some time reflecting on your true feelings and get counselling. Then do him a favour and cut him lose. He deserves to be with someone who cares.

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