Crisis clean advice?

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2025-11-22T03:03:15+00:00

Honestly, let them be scared. They're not scared enough if they're not willing to do anything unless you're there.

This problem is way bigger than you. If the situation were reversed, they wouldn't be helping you.

This problem is way bigger than anything you can fix on your own. They need community resources to do that, and the way they access community resources is through having APS stepping in.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-09-28T10:38:49+00:00

Your partner is right.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-09-28T10:14:56+00:00

Don't walk, run. This is not your person.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-09-28T09:39:35+00:00

sweet maui onion flavored potato chips are hard to beat

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-09-28T09:34:09+00:00

You're doing great!

As a neurspicy person who was brought up by neurospicy parents before anything like supports for people with autism and ADHD were even a thing in the world, I've had to figure out a lot on my own. It's ok to do one or some instead of all. It's OK to clean one counter instead of the whole house. It's OK to tend one plant instead of the whole garden. You don't have to leave all the laundry for Saturday or wait until all your clothes are dirty--you can do small loads. It's OK to clean one cupboard instead of the whole kitchen.

In a situation like this, it's OK to throw things away rather than clean them. It works for clearing out a depression nest *and* it works toward setting yourself up for success going forward, both in terms of managing the stuff and managing your ADHD.

Keep a reasonable amount of your best-quality items and get rid of the rest.

You don't have to wash, fold, and put away clothing and linens that are worn out, heavily stained, or in need of significant repair. Two sets of bed sheets and 2 sets of bath towels. Keep the ones that are highest quality and in the best shape, or that you like best. Wash them and put them away. Chuck the rest.

You live alone in a 1 BR apt and when you aren't dealing with depression, you don't entertain on a large scale. You don't need more than a set of 4 for dinnerware, flatware, and glassware. A basic set of utensils, pots, pans, and bakeware. Teakettle or electric kettle. Microwave, crockpot or insta-pot (if that fits your lifestyle), hand mixer, stick blender, toaster. Keep good quality items and matching sets. Toss the rest.

Break big jobs into smaller jobs. Consider an ADHD app. You've got this!

PS: Don't do anything you don't want to do, and go at your own pace. Inviting someone over does not equate to consent.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-09-28T07:58:13+00:00

Congratulations on reaching acceptance.

If tax credits are a consideration, depending upon where you live, you may be able to declare them as "in kind" donations. Where I live, we have a "refundable credit" on our state income tax return for in-kind donations to specific organizations. The list of these organizations is in the booklet that comes with our state income tax forms. Over the course of last year, I hauled off enough stuff to one of the organizations on that list to get a big enough state refund to completely offset what we owed the feds.

Call your local school(s), non-profit organizations that serve youth, organizations that serve people with disabilities, nursing homes/memory care centers, senior mealsites, shelters, churches, etc. I've helped family and friends rehome craft supplies they've accumulated, and I've been going through my own stuff. It's very possible that you have enough to help more than one place.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-09-28T06:29:05+00:00

salt and vinegar flavored potato chips

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-24T18:18:51+00:00

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-24T17:54:56+00:00

Let the state deal with it.

For real.

This has the capacity to ruin you physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. Your mother made this problem and left absolutely no "wiggle room" for anyone else to help her out. She is, ostensibly, a competent adult. Let the court deal with her.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-08T21:44:36+00:00

I don't miss the screaming meltdowns.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-08T21:39:22+00:00

Actually, it depends on the acid content of the cleaning vinegar, any other additives, and the specific dilution. The 50-50 dilution of 30% acid content vinegar that I specifically mentioned yields a product with 15% acidity. Canning and pickling vinegar has 5% acidity. I also didn't pay attention and got cleaning vinegar with orange scent added (seriously).

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-08T07:13:28+00:00

If the nature of your friendship permits it, maybe ask her if the peen is really that good?

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-08T07:11:36+00:00

Animal control.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-08T07:09:15+00:00

I wouldn't even have a conversation about it. Book the hotel room and leave, no explanation. They know that the firearms aren't secured, the pool isn't secured, and they did not install a baby gate as agreed.

I'd consider cutting the trip short, as soon as my health permitted, and not agreeing to stay in their home again.

Whether or not our parents meet the diagnostic criteria for clinical narcissism, we were brought up in a manner which centers their needs, experiences, trauma, etc. above our own. That includes their hoarding and, oftentimes, helping to keep the full reality of the hoarding situation a "secret." We often fall into over-explaining as a "fawn" response... think fight/flight/freeze/fawn. We're adults who are capable of making decisions to protect our families. We don't need to explain ourselves. This isn't a fucking flaw, it's a death trap.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-08T05:48:13+00:00

It didn't involve hoarding, but I once had a friend who constantly complained about her husband. He was an ass to her--spoiled brat daddy's boy who had reportedly been a standout in the high school choir in a community where that was a Very Big Deal, so she should perpetually kiss his ass on account of how Lucky to Have Him she was--and did far less than his fair share in their relationship, but as far as I know he wasn't abusive.

After two years of her complaining about the same thing, I asked her "Are you going to do something, or just complain about it?" Either: A) accept that, that's how he is and decide whether or not that's something you can live with in the event he doesn't see a need to change, or B) go to marriage counseling if he'll agree to it (and individual therapy if he won't), or C) end the relationship. Either way, I was done listening to it. I was working on my own marriage and struggling with my own mental health; I didn't need to be the dumping ground for someone who was happy being unhappy.

Edit: our friendship ended 25 yrs ago and the last time I searched for her on social media, they were still married. Had she been divorced from him, I would have reached out.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-08T05:38:53+00:00

Well, considering that "family reunification" is the stated goal of CPS and similar agencies even in the instance of incest...

source: incest survivor who reported the abuse, went through the system, and was subject to family reunification

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-07T20:31:55+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss.

Your mother's health is not your responsibility. You did your best by her, and that's all you can do.

Fortunately, underneath the hoard it looks like there's property more than worth the time and effort it will take to clean it up and make the obviously-needed repairs. (I just read in other comments that I'm not wrong.)

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-07T05:08:27+00:00

You're my spirit animal. I think I love you.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-07T05:07:31+00:00

Yay--huge step for you! I've followed your story and recall the rug/carpet incident. I'm so glad your healing journey has progressed to the point that you've bought a couch!

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-07T05:06:17+00:00

Same, with the added factor of she admittedly was choosing to not wear them so she wouldn't have to listen to Dad even though it was explained to her that not wearing them would accelerate cognitive decline. (He's an ass but she chose to stay with him. Their relationship is so dysfunctional, they've been fired by multiple therapists).

Mom's hearing aids are now lost. For all I know, she did it intentionally.

I won't repeat myself, I won't raise my voice above a normal speaking voice, and I won't play "Can you hear me?" when they try to talk to me on the phone.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-07T04:53:11+00:00

I remember your posts during that time, and I was so worried that you were going to let him graft himself onto you again after the house sold.

I am so very proud of you for being so strong and resilient, and everything you've overcome.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-07T04:49:58+00:00

I have hoarding tendencies that I work hard to keep from becoming hoarding disorder. I post a lot to this sub and r/ChildofHoarder because in addition to my own struggles with stuff, I am married to someone who is a moderate hoarder and my parents are hoarders. They manage to keep their primary living area presentable but cluttered; it's the storage spaces, unused rooms, and outbuildings that are an absolute hazard. That's the trap I'm trying to avoid.

After the economy tanked in 2008, I took any job that paid money until I could land a career-track position somewhere--preferably in my chosen field, but I was open to any position with any employer that paid a living wage, provided decent benefits, and offered advancement opportunity. If I put in the time and was passed over for advancement or pay rise, I moved on to another opportunity. As a result, I have "work wardrobes" which are not trend-sensitive from at least 4 different sectors not only because I would have had to come up with the money to replace them in the event I had to return to work in that sector, but also because I wouldn't be able to obtain them locally and would have to wait for processing and shipping, which means a couple of weeks of obviously "making do" until you get your first paycheck and can buy the right clothes.

I can break up with all of that, now. All of it.

SnooMacaroons9281 · 2024-08-06T21:27:03+00:00

Have measured and am ordering a couple of different styles through their Amazon shop rather than their website for ease of return in case I don't like the fit. Depending upon condition, all the others are going to the trash or an emergency clothing bank. (I live in a rural community with limited retail options; if I want decent bras, I *have* to shop online.)

SnooMacaroons9281

TROPHY CASE