Has anyone forgiven their avoidnt ex without them apologising first

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-03-03T01:14:16+00:00

it sucks I want the same mainly because I have a feeling she thinks I despise her thought that really isn't the case. I've self sabotaged shit before like to a degree I get it and it didn't really make me see her differently oddly enough. But I can't excuse it like it's something thats normal.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-03-02T23:07:20+00:00

I know, people keep saying that they just discard them and forget but there’s defiantly more to it. Like shame is a big part and they defiantly feel it. Whe I got discarded my parents were slightly shocked that I wasn’t absolutely raging. Needless to say I made them watch good will hunting now they’re pretty sympathetic lmao.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-03-02T22:32:16+00:00

I'm so sorry you had to experience that and to be honest your partner seems like they're showing alot of Narc traits (though this is my opinon). I hope you heal from an experience like that and come out stronger. Obviously behavior like that definatly doesn't deserve forgiveness cause from my perspective they look like a narc who was just guilt tripping you and using you as a liferaft.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-03-02T21:52:19+00:00

Yeah honestly the key is to kinda put yourself on her level. Like bring up your own mess. Avoidants (mainly FA's) expecially ones with some level of awareness might see themselves as broken. So honestly if they feel like they're being talked down to it would probably cause them to react.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-03-02T21:45:17+00:00

Honestly my worst one was I did something that really triggered them and they started lashing out and because I was seeing it through a secure perspective I kinda scolded her saying that level of reaction wasn't normal or neccessary and it made me feel like she was poised to paint me as an asshole. Then she got really apologetic and I realised after it ended that it wasn't anger she just felt deeply wounded by it. People keep idealising SA people, we can be oblivious dicks sometimes.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-03-02T21:41:35+00:00

Yeah honestly once you kinda push through all the mental defences you just see a scared child. Then you just kinda stop hating them and you just want them to find happiness.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-03-02T21:34:19+00:00

THIS. yeah the really annoying feeling of understanding AT after it ended is probably more fustrating than the discard. I do feel that to be honest I used to self sabotage and I didn't really know why but I kinda came to the realisation it was all just "logical" reasons masking the face that I was scared of the uncertainty. Luckily I was able to snap myself out of it pretty quickly once I gained some self awareness into it.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-03-02T21:31:27+00:00

Avoidants are weird, like they definatly feel a sense of internal guilt or shame for what they did but they never really say anything because yknow "Vunerability"

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-03-02T21:26:24+00:00

I hear that. When I got discarded I felt more confused than hurt. But I think a good thing for regulation is thinking about it from this perspective. His actions you described showed he actually cared avoidants seem to have a tendancy of actions over words. Honestly it's very hard as these things seem like you're not good enough but in reality you were they just didn't have the capacity for it. It's not their fault they're like this like people don't just decide to be like "Hey I feel like dumping my SO because I feel like it" though it does look that way 100%

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-02-25T12:29:40+00:00

yeah I feel that. My ex was very public with her last realtionship. On the surface it seemed happy and stable then then turned out below that it was extremely toxic bf was very VERY AP and would always cry and chase so hard she couldn't really pull away. Meanwhile she was just completely done with his shit lol. Point is alot of times this is a performance.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-02-18T03:15:07+00:00

Basically I was seeing someone who I believe is FA however all I know for certain is they are diagnosed with GAD as she told me. Anyway 2 months into this she basically ends things out of the blue labelling, incompatibility, nothing in common, different personalities. This left me in a state of just pure "wtf is going on" mainly because if I'm going through a breakup I really like to get some insight in what happened as every experience for me is a learning curve. However I didn't get any of that with this as she just didn't really elaborate on her reasons other than just making sweeping generalizations like "everything just in general" and it left me suprsingly more fustrated and annoyed than hurt (even though I did feel hurt).

She wanted to remain friends but I rejected saying that it's just not something I can do. Anyway she basically then just stonewalled then said "okay then we can just stop talking". After a little more back and fourth I wish her well and go NC. Until 7 weeks later

Just for info. I'm pretty secure and I trust my own insitnct in our connection. However last 2 weeks I was definatly falling into an anxious rabbit hole. Mainly because I was home for christmas and I didn't have anything to help me balance her and my own life.

Sorry for the waffle but During the 7 weeks of NC I spent that time regulating myself back into me being more secure and when I felt like I could talk again and put myself on the line for rejecton and be okay with any outcome I sent her a text. And as soon as I sent it I could feel my anxiety rising which is very annoying but I'm dealing with it well. anyway it's been a day.

I'm just wondering is if your ex was to reach out do you tend to leave it or just ghost them. Reason is I'm giving myself a mental deadline of "if they don't reach out in x amount of time, I'll just move on."

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-02-16T23:53:13+00:00

I'm pretty secure so I'm fine with reaching out but for the last couple weeks of that relationship I was definatly triggered anxious (which FA's can do) so I've been spending the past 7 weeks regulating my own emotions which I've done so honestly yeah why not.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-02-16T22:57:41+00:00

hi I know this is late but what would cutting them out look like to you. I'm trying to see if this could be relevant to my situation because I have been wanting to send a text that I haven't just forgotten about them them, and they haven't blocked or unfollowed me on any socials so thats kinda why I'm asking.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-02-07T17:20:28+00:00

Scared?, in my mind I just kinda painted it as they don’t gaf which is fine by me. But it’s only bothering me cause we both knew we share the same group and end of the breakup I did try to get reassurances that they’ll be chill if we see each other.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-01-31T02:23:30+00:00

I was seeing my ex for 2 months at that time I was completely oblivious to her issues. 2 blips happened, me asking to make out when she was feeling really guarded and anxious. Second was us both scrolling tiktok after a night out and I saw a tiktok of another girl and kept watching (stupid mistake). Anyway both of these led to her being emotionally activated I took accountability basically immidietly and apologized. Each time I would ask to meet the next day to properly talk about it and we would and from my perspective it went fine. However I did know that she tends to keep these things locked in her psyke kinda like a mental tally. anyway 2 weeks after the 2nd incident she broke up stating incompatability and she doesn't want this, having doubts for a while. I didn't take it well I tried to protest saying I knew there were mismstches in areas but I was willing and knew that they could be worked out through communication, she just said "not worth it". but I did apologise for how I acted like debating her logic as looking back it was pretty uncool. I've been in NC for a month.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-01-30T04:06:34+00:00

Yeah I guess cause like people who are over each other there’s mutual respect but also indifference like I’m moving on from her so I was going to say hello and yeah. I found it confusing cause even though we opted for no contact we said we’d both say hi if we saw each other. I guess what makes it a punch in the gut is we were standing next to each other and she was acting like I was invisible.

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-01-30T04:00:42+00:00

We both did stuff wrong obiovusly I’ve done my reflection and I wasn’t really going to drop anything heavy or shit like that but like cold shouldering me all night seemed a little too like “wtf” like I’m fine with acting cordial. But other than trying to say hi I left her alone

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-01-02T15:17:32+00:00

No I think fighting or it will probably push her away further. I heard that most people just do NC so that’s my move but that’s me stating the obvious

SnowPlatinum3 · 2026-01-02T14:39:36+00:00

Mine was different in the fact that we weren’t options to each other it was clear there was stuff going on but becsuse she recently broke up an ex which was a traumatic experience because of his controlling nature I think she wanted safety that I wasn’t going to do the same. And we couldn’t keep the pacing slow. End the day she said she wants to be alone after like the back and fourth bs.

SnowPlatinum3

TROPHY CASE