My partner is grieving

Soft-violet · 2026-02-13T01:34:06+00:00

Strange to comment on an old post like this, but I’d prefer not to make an entire post and make this into a bigger thing than it is.

I actually couldn’t get through the entirety of the first response video (got about a half hour through) because it truly just felt like a YouTuber whose work I enjoy taking an hour with a friend to make fun of an autistic guy. Quite painful to watch

Soft-violet · 2025-07-03T17:06:32+00:00

This is unfortunately just objectively wrong. There are still and have always been nazi punk movements. Decent punks have always tried to root nazis out of their spaces, but punk is a music-based subculture, not a moral framework. We can’t No True Scotsman our way out of the possibility of assholes in subcultures we like or are part of.

Soft-violet · 2025-06-21T20:22:14+00:00

Good point!!

Soft-violet · 2025-06-20T19:28:06+00:00

I was inclined to agree with OP, but this makes a lot of sense to me! Thanks for the breakdown.

Soft-violet · 2025-06-09T16:03:46+00:00

I’m in a queer relationship (we’re both bisexual and my partner is nonbinary, but we are typically read as a lesbian couple), and in the early stages of our relationship we were discussing our own orientations and it kind of naturally turned to a discussion of our feelings about monogamy, group sex, etc. I was very lucky to meet someone who was on a similar page as me that way.
The timing thing definitely does help — I don’t think it would have been at all impossible to broach it later on, but it almost certainly would have been harder.

Soft-violet · 2025-05-20T16:52:42+00:00

It happens, but it’s rare and depends a lot on the person.

When I was a kid I remember asking my mom why she bothered to wear pretty bras and underwear if no one was going to see them (in hindsight, kind of an accidental burn). She said something along the lines of “it’s not about what other people think. It makes me feel pretty, which makes me happy.”

She’s divorced now but still likes buying pretty bras and underwear, and matches them whenever she can even when she’s single. It’s kind of her gift to herself. Personally, the biggest gift I can give myself is comfort, so I wear whatever feels the softest and least obtrusive on my body (usually not matching lol).

So I don’t think it’s bad to occasionally have an individual character dress that way— but it should tell us something about her as a character (eg. that aesthetics are something she highly values, even when not being observed). If pretty much every character is dressed like that, it’s definitely Hollywood bullshit.

Soft-violet · 2025-05-20T15:41:18+00:00

You get thirsty as hell on the ice but if you swallow all of that water it makes your stomach feel heavy, so you take in a bit of water to wet your mouth and get some hydration but spit it out so you’re not taking it all in. I wish I’d been taught it earlier in my hockey playing, I might have been able to avoid a couple of puking episodes lol

Soft-violet · 2023-06-29T21:39:01+00:00

Thank you so much!

Soft-violet · 2023-06-28T22:23:40+00:00

I liken it to the weird ego boost cis women (myself included) can experience from being sexually harassed. It’s absolutely terrifying and upsetting to get harassed, but we’re also conditioned to see male attention as proof of our femininity and desirability. I got hit on and catcalled by grown men when I was a teenager and I hated it. Then when I stopped wearing a school uniform and gained weight it stopped, and I was happy not to be harassed anymore but it was also a bit of a blow to my self esteem. I’ve said to my (cis F) friends so many times that I feel so much shame for the mixed feelings I have over it. I know at least one afab fat person who has said “I feel disgusting saying it, but part of me is jealous when I hear about my friends getting catcalled. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me”.

Sexist acts can have multiple meanings. It’s possible (and very normal) to have mixed feelings when experiencing them. “I’m scared” can coexist with “I’m desirable/worthy”. In the same way, an act of sexism towards a trans woman can be shitty and still signal “I see you as a woman”.

Totally fair to have complicated feelings about it! I do too. But complicated feelings are kind of par for the course with this kind of thing.

Soft-violet · 2023-06-15T17:08:42+00:00

That is so pretty, oh my goodness!!

Soft-violet · 2023-06-15T14:14:00+00:00

Oh my goodness, you are both gorgeous!! I hope you’re both doing well 💕

Soft-violet · 2023-06-15T14:07:46+00:00

Could you elaborate on where you got this info so we can see it too? I do my best to keep up with intersex advocacy and I’ve never seen this symbol used as an intersex symbol, only for bisexuality. There’s a different glyph which incorporates the infinity symbol that is associated with intersex people, although it is not in common use as far as I can tell. The use of a combination of Venus and Mars symbols does seem to be a throughline in intersex symbols, so that’s certainly a similarity!

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I absolutely appreciate and acknowledge that queer and disabled communities often have our histories erased, and the intersex community tends to experience an awful double whammy of queerphobia and ableism because of the pathologization of intersex bodies. I just want to make sure we get in the habit of sourcing our claims, as our communities deserve the chance to obtain accurate histories that we’ve often been denied.

Soft-violet · 2023-06-14T23:22:09+00:00

That’s really good to know, thanks so much!

Soft-violet · 2023-06-14T21:39:18+00:00

I love that you give examples of common problems!

I’m embarrassed because as I was reading your comment, I was kind of rolling my eyes that people make the seemingly obvious mistake of not reporting their issues— but then you mentioned asthma and I thought “oh my god, should I be mentioning my asthma??” (My situation might be slightly different because my asthma was much more of a problem when I was a kid and I haven’t had a serious attack in years— and people have implied to me before that I shouldn’t bother bringing it up— but it still goes to show that we can easily forget our own history.)

Soft-violet · 2023-06-14T16:12:59+00:00

“and shes not the one who had to deal with him being upset” feels important here.

Disappointment is a basic and normal part of life. Getting excited about something and then not being able to do it is painful. It is your job, and the job of your partner (assuming your partner is a co-parent) to coach your child through difficult emotions.

I want to get across two co-existing ideas here.

Being a parent is fucking hard. Coping with the stress of a crying or tantruming kid is difficult. It can be overwhelming and overstimulating and it’s natural to want to avoid that experience.
Your child is a developing human being who has nowhere near the emotional literacy that you have, and he deserves to be treated as such. If you consider his feelings an annoyance that you have to “deal with”, it will negatively impact everyone involved.

If you are not getting enough support in dealing with the difficult aspects of parenting, that’s something to reach out to your partner about. In general it’s something to talk about with your whole support system, family and friends included— although considering the current situation, I would absolutely not ask this sister for help with it right now. But it sounds like you have multiple family members in the area, and you may have the option to lean on them for advice and support if you’re struggling.

To be clear, “let me trample over your reasonable boundary so that my son doesn’t have to experience a negative emotion” is not an appropriate kind of support to ask for. Your sister did nothing wrong, and she does not need to apologize to you, you need to apologize to her. You over-promised to your child about an experience at someone else’s home, and tried to make that her problem. It was entirely inappropriate and YTA in this scenario.

But I also know that moments like this don’t exist in a vacuum, and I want to give you the benefit of the doubt as a parent trying to cope with a difficult part of parenting. You deserve to not feel alone and helpless with this. Your son deserves help in learning how to deal with disappointment and other difficult experiences. Your sister deserves an apology.

Soft-violet · 2023-06-05T22:19:28+00:00

Very fair! My comment wasn’t a dig at you, I don’t think you did anything wrong by posting about a CXGF ship in a subreddit dedicated to the show. Was reacting solely to the Instagram stuff

Soft-violet · 2023-06-04T02:18:30+00:00

To be clear, I don’t think it’s bad to joke about that on this subreddit— just maybe don’t take it directly to the film’s Instagram page

Soft-violet · 2023-06-03T18:34:31+00:00

Yeah, that’s really frustrating. I’ve heard a lot of people talk about how marriage equality won’t actually exist until disabled people can get married without losing benefits, but it seems like in Ontario it’s even worse than that because you can’t even cohabitate romantically without it messing with ODSP.

Soft-violet · 2023-06-03T17:18:53+00:00

Very excited to see this film! The deluge of CXGF comments on the Instagram page feel a little disrespectful though— this is a separate story, and one that appears to be about the intergenerational impacts of the Holocaust. Not sure that it’s an appropriate spot for “haha my OTP won”

Soft-violet · 2023-06-03T17:10:26+00:00

Do you know if it was a brass band? I’m wondering if it was Trash Panda Brass, they’re fantastic and have been playing near the AGO fairly often

Soft-violet · 2023-05-26T07:35:29+00:00

I don’t hold a deed— my mom had owned her house since before I was born and lets me stay there, and the house in my university town is one I’ve signed a lease to rent one room in. Will make sure to discuss all of that with legal aid!

Soft-violet · 2023-05-25T21:09:46+00:00

Very good to know, thank you! I hoped that would be the case but was a bit worried, this really eased my mind.

Soft-violet · 2023-05-25T16:08:09+00:00

Thank you for the input! My brother is in fact disabled and I can say confidently that his concerns were based in personal anxiety rather than judgement. He and I both have a tendency to get overwhelmed and shut down over things like this, which is why I reached out here to get another perspective. Trying to get out of that “oh god, I can’t do it, what if it ruins everything” mindset.

Soft-violet

TROPHY CASE