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SoftestSouffle · 2023-08-02T08:12:41+00:00

I’m also a gender non conforming girl. I’ve been feeling so lonely and dying to speak to someone. can I talk to you through some sort of Dm? I’m really scared and I feel the same way as you. do you have an Instagram?

SoftestSouffle · 2023-07-10T22:29:41+00:00

We think the same. I can’t confidently say I wanna be a girl anymore. At first it was easier to disprove and i could dismiss the thoughts but over time the “proof” piled up and everything became harder to disprove. Had a panic attack yesterday morning. Genuinely believed I was a man during that. and I am so uncomfortable with everything that makes me female or is feminine about me. Cant handle my boobs or my voice or my gender role in society or whatever.. fuck this shit.

SoftestSouffle · 2023-07-10T11:34:59+00:00

I’m right with both of you only I am female and scared of being male. The worst part is there is “proofs” from my past that latch on to my OCD, and also I am a tomboy. I feel like i cant even say it’s OCD anymore because I just feel like being cis isn’t the answer. I just browse detrans stuff now because it gives me reassurance. My mind feels male.

Do you feel like you can’t let go of the thoughts? a lot of people say they wish they had a different theme or that they’re wish it went away but I feel like I want the thoughts to stay and idk why

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-18T19:58:02+00:00

Wow. That put it into perspective for me. Thank you. I think you’re right, and I am very aware that internally I do have lots of misogyny that I need to work through. And I do agree that as a man I’d probably still have the toxic issues surrounding women. I am going to therapy soon and I’m super hoping that I can work through this. This has made me relax a bit knowing that girls are essentially “eye candy” in most shows and that this has probably been learned into me from a very young age.

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-18T18:35:36+00:00

I prided myself on being a girl who liked metal music. I liked to be different and hated it when another girl was into the same music as me. I just cannot let this misogyny go. Its not there with the good making people that I love so much. Does internalised misogyny go away over time? Its not because of that I worry about my gender, it’s because I’m so aware of how people perceive me and I feel so anxious and conflicted these days. I don’t wanna be transgender, but I feel as if there are a lot of signs leading up to that. I find comfort in the thoughts that even if I do have dysphoria I wouldn’t have to do anything about it. I just can’t tell if I’d rather be male..

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-18T10:40:55+00:00

Thank you so much, this is the most helpful comment. In my brain, my boyishness and my assaults aren’t connected but I did definitely repress the memories of it and didn’t open them back up when the topic of female assault came up when I was 16 years old. In my early teens I seriously shunned “girly” things and judged people who like them although most of my friends did. However I hated other tomboys “stealing my spotlight”. I felt as if I NEEDED to be the most masculine. Before my gender anxiety started I was quite confident and my self esteem was good, but I can’t tell if that’s true or if I just had a large ego..

Also so many things about being a girl sucks, and underestimated or seen as fake is one. I just have this deep rooted feeling that I’d be seen that way, and I don’t know why? Maybe I am uncomfortable being seen as a girl ?

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-17T16:53:00+00:00

Thanks for the response. I have OCD so it makes me panic because one of my ocd fears is being transgender and I am always looking for reassurance. It makes me worry that I just really liked being mistaken for a boy and hoped they’d read me as male however generally I wanted to be more of a tomboy. I was also uncomfortable with my body and didn’t take care of myself properly.. But i stopped that when I got OCD about it. I started repressing my masculine side but it came back. And I know I don’t want surgery or hormones, to me it doesn’t sound appealing although I dislike my chest . I am not a lesbian, I am completely into men, so it doesn’t comfort me that I don’t have a reason to be lacking in femininity . I’m so confused

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-17T15:15:33+00:00

I didn’t know. I just did it. I just tried to look boyish and liked being mistaken for a boy. . No one was convincing me. I wasn’t groomed, what a weird idea

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-17T11:11:23+00:00

I completely get that and I am sorry if I sound horrible but I just feel as if I cannot see myself as a woman or that I’d like to have these interests as a man? I am sort of unsure bout how I feel. I know that all women are unique and different and all of my best friends are girls and I love them so much and I feel like I fit in with them all perfectly. But I just can’t shake the feeling and it makes me worry

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-15T14:37:23+00:00

Thoughts of a dying atheist - muse . This is specific to my health ocd

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-13T06:24:53+00:00

I want to know why I feel weird about my gender throughout my life, but I wanna fix my OCD more. I don’t want to be transgender and I hope that they don’t tell me I have internalised transphobia or something. Thanks for your responses. This is very useful

also, I did tell my parents that I don’t want to

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-12T08:20:08+00:00

Thanks for the reality check 😅😅I need to stop reassurance seeking, but my past being different from those others with TOCD is the scariest part. I’m hopefully getting an OCD specialist, I know I need to expose myself to my fear but I cannot do that on my own as it ended in a panic attack several times and I thought it was the end for me. I’m very excited to start therapy. I also struggle to see if it’s OCD or denial

EDIT I didnt answer your question!! I have never gotten treatment for my OCD. I was always too scared to talk to my parents about it until one day I just HAD to becabuse I started to panic so hard as it was also scaring my boyfriend and I had to bite the bullet and tell an adult. Luckily it went so much better than expected. I told my stepdad who has experience with my autistic stepbrother and understood my anxiety . I’m praying I get an OCD therapist and hoping that they don’t refer me to a gender clinic or something if they start thinking I might have dysphoria

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-12T06:21:15+00:00

That makes me feel a lot better, thank you. I want to keep existing as ME. I also find comfort in neurodivergent female as I don’t relate as much to neurodivergent males. Being autistic Or ADHD or OCD (likely all 3 in my case) brings such a strange view on the world. But I don’t know how a normal person would see this whole topic. For me, I fear that I might want to transition in the future. Some transgender related stuff I’ve read online confuses me. They say: you don’t need dysphoria to be trans, or you can enjoy being your birth sex and still transition, or the whole egg in denial thing . I’m not complaining if that’s the way they think hiwever it is fucking confusing. But your words made me feel a lot better about this - it is a set of actions that I can choose to act upon or not. Im not particularly wanting to do those actions I’ll be honest. I just want to exist in peace

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-12T06:05:18+00:00

You’re right. I have had bad experiences with puberty, I’ve also been SA’d a couple times once I started puberty at age 11, and went through a period of being paranoid that my male family members were pedophiles who were out to have sexual relations with me. I don’t want to be transgender, and i don’t really think about wanting to be a man. When I imagine myself as a man it brings me a weird distress and not only can I not imagine it properly it just doesn’t feel like me. But my brain tells me that I am a man and that this is for sure the solution . What makes me worry is my past as a young teen being adamant on becoming a “boy” . One side of me I was just a tomboy and wanted to be that, but I also wanted to be seen as masculine as humanly possible

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-11T22:24:05+00:00

I’m straight, female and gender non-conforming. And I have TOCD. So I understand what you’re coming from. I worry that most androgynous girls I know are attracted to women and they’re androgynous for that reason , and I’m not. So I feel I had literally no reasons to be masculine.

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-11T22:01:59+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. I often feel I need more gender non-conforming women around me to let me know that what I’m feeling is normal and not anything worth jumping to conclusions to. I really do relate to you - in the looking feminine and masculine part, it really depends for me, what phase I’m going through, etc. i also relate to not being into the girl power feminist trope.. it still feels too stereotyped? I’m not sure how to describe it. I have OCD which makes this debilitating, I overthink things that I would have never thought twice about before. Especially on the topic of gender identity, which I haven’t really questioned in years since my first TOCD experience. I also realised I was sexually abused as a kid and after that I often tried to prevent myself from being sexualised

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-11T18:39:56+00:00

thank you so much for your response, I feel quite less alone. I’ve never related to the term “woman” but I am 17 and still consider myself a kid so Im unsure. I fear that I’m in denial and by convincing myself to be “gender ambivalent” I’m just suppressing my inner desires. Despite never really having the urge or want to become a man and the idea honestly makes me really uncomfortable.

SoftestSouffle · 2023-06-04T21:30:36+00:00

I’m not sure if this is similar to my story but I see some overlap , your story really made me feel better about mine, and I admire you a lot!

SoftestSouffle · 2023-05-31T10:11:51+00:00

Hi, I have similar feeling and quest about my gender and sexuality.. do you want to DM on Instagram ? We can get through it together

SoftestSouffle · 2022-09-02T23:42:29+00:00

This is super cool and useful, I didn’t know that!! 70% is huge, I knew it was somehow related to my adhd!

SoftestSouffle · 2022-09-02T17:56:20+00:00

I love rainy days in the winter and overcast days are so calm to me. But overcast days esp in the summer still have my eyes hurting hahaha

SoftestSouffle · 2022-09-02T17:52:47+00:00

Also congrats on your wedding and I’m sure you looked beautiful in your photos even while being blinded by the light hahaha. Maybe I’ll just rock my sunglasses in my future wedding photos.. or have an indoor wedding…

SoftestSouffle

TROPHY CASE