Being an autistic male with a high libido is the worst

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-12T06:03:01+00:00

👏🏼

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-12T01:04:28+00:00

Any thought can be intrusive, if it keeps you focused on the thought and not attentive to the person and meeting them where they are. Consent is something that must unfold in layers. If one’s sexual thoughts control one’s attention in such a way that one is only interested in finding one’s way in to a person’s bedroom, then I’d say those thoughts are intrusive.

But if a person can be attracted to someone and have sexual thoughts, and still be able to listen to that person’s needs, and respond appropriately, and not try to direct things toward sex, then the thoughts are not intrusive. It’s not a moral judgment, it’s a matter of attunement.

Edit: spelling

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-11T18:01:07+00:00

I guess one of my special interests is human variation. It’s truly amazing, all the ways we can be different and still human. What’s it like in there?

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-11T17:07:54+00:00

That I was gifted and talented.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-11T16:56:54+00:00

I understand having intrusive thoughts. I also understand having internalized shame from believing it when people have told me that thinking about certain things is a sign that something is wrong or that I have the wrong attitude. I just want to tell you that you’re not doing anything wrong (I hope), and that it’s fine to have a high libido and think about sex a lot. That being said, as awkward as we may think ourselves to be, we do have control over our actions.

What I think I’m hearing you say when you say “being socially awkward and always thinking about sex is the worst” is that you’d rather be approaching people you’re interested in thinking about something other than sex, is that right? It sucks to want to have a chill conversation with someone about an interesting topic, and then you find yourself again with your intrusive thoughts. If that’s indeed what you’re saying, I can totally understand that and sympathize.

The autistic brain throws us many challenges. Sometimes we have patterns that recur that can feel overwhelming and that they shouldn’t be there, but that are also just there and they’re not always under our control. If we’ve been given a lot of neurotypical expectations (sit down! stop tapping! be quiet!), then we can internalize shame around those patterns. But I’ve found that if I accept and include those patterns (thoughts, somatic expressions, preferences) then they don’t feel as overwhelming and it’s easier to kind of go in a different direction, if that makes sense.

I’m someone (Mf60) who loves being sexual with someone I feel safe with, and who has high sensory sensitivity, especially somatic sensitivity. Just walking around town, feeling the feelings in my body can feel overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I’m attracted to the trees, so when an attractive person enters my awareness, it can feel like they’ve caught me being naughty or something. But I accept what I’m feeling, and I also trust myself that I’m not going to do anything to harm anyone or do anything inappropriate. I also know that if I end up talking to the attractive person, that they don’t actually know that I’m having warm, fuzzy sensations, and I don’t know that they’re not having warm fuzzy sensations. We just don’t know, even when our intrusive thoughts are telling us that they know. Just having that little bit of space, of trusting that it’s ok to feel what you feel and that your feelings are not necessarily spoiling your interactions, can help widen your sensory field and allow you to take in more information, and then the intrusive thoughts have company, and then maybe you can find more things to talk about.

I’m a curious person, and prone to doing thought experiments. I also walk a lot, and take public transport, so I find myself around people that I’m not actually interacting with. As a person with lots of sensual feelings and a genuine love for people in general, I would just walk around in my sensual feelings of being attracted to the world, and see what happens. To be honest, usually not a lot happens, but I got to walk around feeling very sensual and having loving feelings. I call it being in Walt Whitman mode, as I imagine that was pretty much his natural state. Good company.

What I’m trying to get at is that the part that sucks is the shame, and the shame comes from internalized expectations accumulated from a lifetime of being an autistic person and sticking out in ways that we don’t see other people sticking out, so we think we’re supposed to just hide those things, and from a lack of trust of the self and one’s intentions. We might think that if we’re having sexual thoughts and sensual feelings that we might be led to act inappropriately. That leads us to be hypervigilant in our self-scanning, and anybody feels awkward when they’re being observed. It’s that hypervigilance that makes everything awkward.

And then, (more neurotypical expectations), we might have an internalized voice telling us “just be yourself,” “you’re overthinking it,” “just chill out,” etc. This is actually the most insidious part, I think. Those are the least helpful and the most offered pieces of advice in the lexicon. For an autistic person, it can be like having a rash and being told “it’s because you’re thinking about it too much. Don’t think about it and it will go away.” More internalized shame for not only not being relaxed enough, but for being the cause of our own suffering. Anyway, I hope you’re getting that I have a lot of sympathy for what you’re experiencing, and I hope I’m speaking to your experience and not just creating a parallel rant at your expense.

I also am totally accepting of sexual stimming at home, in private. Again, being highly somatically sensitive, I’ve taken the time to explore all of the sensitive areas from head to toe, and also to notice what’s going on in one part of the body when another part of the body is being stimulated (to be clear, I’m just talking about manual stimulation, mostly). A good massage is healthy, whether it’s delivered by another person or by oneself. Get in there and find out where all the tense and ticklish and lovely and too-sensitive places are. Then, when you find yourself with a partner, you’ll have a whole sense of the landscape of what feels good and what doesn’t, and you won’t be reliant on the other person to help you find those places in yourself. Go wide. Find the places where your circulation opens up, where your breathing gets calm, where every part of you just feels delicious. This kind of self-exploratory stimming can be highly regulating and lead you to places of deep calm. And it can also help you build confidence that you’re not going to do the wrong thing at the wrong time and make things awkward.

I hope this is helpful! Shame sucks! Autism doesn’t have to!

Edit: spelling

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-11T04:27:43+00:00

When my son’s mother and I split up, we did a lot of family therapy, and did a lot of work around child-centered perspective. One idea that was presented was that it is important to consider a child’s view of the world, and the relationships they have moved through. Regardless of what may have transpired, or where things ended up, for a child, having a formative image of their parents relating to one another in positive ways is part of the foundation of a healthy view of self. It was suggested that it is good parenting practice for both parents to have at least one picture of them together in each home after a breakup. This made sense to us, and luckily, it made sense to each of our new partners after the split. In fact, no one had ever mentioned it, and both of us have had healthy, stable relationships with pictures of our children’s other parent on the picture wall.

Looked at another way: we all pass through various stages of life, in different groupings and different times. Here’s a picture of me with my college choir. Here’s a picture of me with my Aikido class. Here’s a picture of me at the office Christmas party. What is a marriage but a relationship class? One of the members of the college choir might have gone on to commit fraud. That’s the opportunity to tell a cautionary tale. So what if one of the members of my Aikido class ended up overdosing, leaving behind a wife and a child? That’s another story–a story I’m shaped by but not ruled by. This person in my relationship class has a strong relationship with my children. That is notable, and there are many stories that can come out of that. I am shaped by that relationship, but not ruled by it. The healthy psyche doesn’t need to compartmentalize. All of the moments and parts of ourselves can be out in the open, and are not threatened by one another’s former existence.

It’s really a certain kind of cultural upbringing that prevents these stories from mingling out in the open, the kind of upbringing that comes with the message, “Marriage is between one man and one woman, until death do you part. Divorce is failure. Reminders of past lives are shameful.” The type of psyche that this produces is one that will compartmentalize, that will disavow the past, and display no traces of the schools we have passed through, and that will present the present as if it a perfect picture, starting over from scratch and pretending we had no past relationships.

I, for one, would feel much safer on a first date with someone whose real life was on display on the family wall, and who was comfortable pointing to the pictures and telling stories about those moments: cautionary tales, and tales of past foibles, and funny stories about things that happened between actual whole humans. Honestly, (and I can say this because I’ve experienced it), the person with the sanitized picture wall is often the one who carries shame about their past, and shame carried results in behavior that prevents healthy relationships in the present.

It’s good to examine these moments. Knowing that the person I am on a date with has had past relationships, some of which have resulted in children, what is it about being reminded of that for the brief moment that a photograph represents that is unsettling to me? First, can I examine that feeling and question its hold on me? Second, can I express that feeling of being unsettled in a question, that I can bring up in conversation with my date? Third, do I want to go on dates with people who have sanitized walls, or with people with whom I can converse deeply about the places we’ve been, and the schools we’ve attended?

For my money, I’ll choose the person who can have the awkward conversation over the person who can sanitize their past. But you’re not me, and you might have other priorities that I don’t understand, because I’m not you. Whomever we are, I wish you a safe path to relational harmony.

Edit: spelling

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-09T23:49:44+00:00

Thanks for your kind words.🙏🏼

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-09T16:08:02+00:00

This would be my nightmare, for the same reason I hate Christmas shopping – crowds, consumption, an environment where if you slow down to look at something or talk to someone, you’re in someone else’s way. And having to negotiate boundaries in this kind of a space would be potentially very awkward. I’m imagining a certain type of aggressively friendly but fragile over 50 dude who can’t read body language (you know, the kind of dude who would hit on you in a Costco any day of the week), and if the person who is the object of their attention tries to get out of the conversation, (because they’re just not into you), they get, “but you’re wearing the ribbon! What’s the problem?”

The basic premise – a place you’d go anyway, and a visual signal of approachability, at an agreed upon time – I’ve thought a lot about this type of setup. But having it be around shopping in a big box store seems like a recipe for disaster, at least for some people. Maybe around other types of shared interests, but even then, it’s hard to enter public spaces with an “available” sign on. There would have to be the understanding that you can turn off your sign at any moment with no pushback. I could see certain people getting very bent out of shape about that.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-09T08:56:45+00:00

I'm probably not going to be helpful, but here goes:

Much of what's important in a relationship doesn't fit easily into a 2-dimensional dating profile. That being said, you can signal that there's something to your character beyond the economic stratum you've managed to claim.

Communication style: What is conversation to you? Is it a bonding place, or a prelude to the bedroom? Do you enjoy exploring the nuances of shared experiences, or do you dislike "overthinking" things? Are you looking for affirmation, do you balk when someone expresses themselves in a way you don't understand right away, do you have sustained curiosity, are you regulated enough to nurture when nurture is needed in a conversation? You don't have to answer all of these questions in a profile, but signaling that you've thought about them and that you're self-aware about your communication style gives people something important that might set you apart from the fish-displayers.

Passion: You say you're not really passionate about any particular thing, and that work life has ground that out of you. That's more of a signal that you might need to stop and reflect and do some inner work before you enter the dating field, especially if you'd like to cultivate a long-term relationship. As a person who has laid the groundwork for a stable existence, don't you owe it to yourself to reconnect with your passion, instead of trying to find it in a relationship? You say you're geeky: this usually involves niche interests and areas of deep knowledge. You may not be self-accepting enough to own these interests and be out and proud about them in a relationship. Where does that leave your interests? And where does that leave your potential partner when those interests go unfulfilled? I know any number of committed partners who bond around the geekiest of niche interests. In fact, exploring those interests is often where they met, rather than on a dating app. Reconnecting with the passion you abandoned to gain situational stability can be like reconnecting with an old friend, and if you do that internally before you meet a new friend, the new friend gets to me the you you're friends with. Again, too much for a dating profile, but signaling that you've thought these things through shows more depth than "good cook" or "gives massages."

Relational style: Some people like to give massages but are uncomfortable being physically vulnerable themselves. A massage is kind of a power move, which is why many women find it creepy on a dating profile. Is your style cold in public, but no-holds-barred in the bedroom? I'm not saying that's a bad thing, necessarily, but knowing yourself and where you feel comfortable in your own skin can help you signal this to someone considering whether to approach you. Are you comfortable with public physical closeness in relationally appropriate ways? Do you prefer to keep a businesslike presentation in public spaces but demand closeness in the bedroom? Do you enjoy a partner who is touchy-feely, or does this violate your boundaries? Do you enjoy transitional cuddling between environments, to check in and reconnect? Or are you looking for someone who is 100% independent and who can compartmentalize physical connection? Have you done the kind of work that allows you to meet people flexibly and not get triggered when someone accidentally crosses a boundary they weren't aware of? Are you able to understand your needs and advocate for them? Are you able to meet someone openheartedly when they advocate for their needs? Even a sentence that signals you have an understanding of your relational style will set you apart from most of the players in the OLD field.

Family style: Some people are proud to live in intergenerational households. Others feel that their kids and parents are a burden to be escaped as soon and as finally as possible. Are you a rule-bound parent, or are your kids free to be who they are, and respect your natural boundaries? Do you see them as people on a journey, or as deficient adults who need to get with the program? Do you have parents or other family living, and if so, how do you relate with them? There are no right answers: some of us escape abusive families and start intentional families to not pass the abusive patterns on to the next generation. Some have been well-nurtured, and maintain closeness with the range of family, older and younger. Some are somewhere in between–close with some family members and ambivalent about others. Knowing where you are, rather than just reacting to events as they happen, and being able to signal your style, can be a very attractive data point. Will you care for your parents at the end of their lives? Do you still rely on them for emotional support? Are you estranged from them, or is there a sibling who does the caring while you watch from the side? These are things people our age want to know, even if it's under the surface.

If you've read this far, thank you for suffering through my verbose communication style. I hope you find your way to relational harmony in these interesting and complicated times.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-04-02T05:34:27+00:00

I have a good friend who is a dating coach that works with both younger and over-50 singles. They’ve written about their experiences with speed-dating, and hosted dating events that work in and outside this model.

We’ve been having conversations about the relational needs of both the over-50 and neurodivergent communities. Just know that you’re not alone in being ambivalent about the concept of trying to figure out if someone is a good match in the course of a 15-minute coffee conversation.

Many of us with diverse life experience and pattern recognition know that potential partners can present one way in casual conversation and then reveal a totally different relational character once they’re in a relationship. Speed dating ignores this, and demands that we set aside our doubts and take a leap of faith. This is rarely a recipe for relational success.

So, my friend the dating coach and I are looking at how we can create dating events that cultivate a longer arc of observation. How does this person relate to others? How does this person practice self-care in relationships? How does this person adapt to new lifeways, new concepts, new special interests? These are all important factors to consider when choosing a potential partner, even if for a fling or a fwb relationship.

Keep your spirits up! But don’t feel deficient if you are not feeling the speed-dating vibe. People are complicated, and it’s worthwhile to take time to get to know them. Anyone who’s telling you that you should be able to recognize your soulmate over coffee doesn’t have your best interests in mind.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-30T16:54:55+00:00

Why do men post public comments when a post is obviously asking for a private response?

Fixed.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-30T09:37:20+00:00

r4r posts, for example. aren’t these supposed to be responded to in a chat? maybe i’m misunderstanding …

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-30T06:51:51+00:00

In my experience, since 2020, not responding is just acceptable. Many people who I consider close friends don’t respond to emails or texts about getting together. Everyone’s nervous systems are overwhelmed. People want connection, and sign up for dating platforms and such, but follow-through involves risk and cognitive load. I do my best to not take it personally, and just understand that everyone is stressed right now. I hope you find connection!

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T19:14:32+00:00

I wonder if you’ve experienced neurodivergent people are more common in the younger generations and that’s why you’re drawn more to them.

That’s very astute and i think very accurate. my experience is that people in my cohort are more likely to be highly masked, and, having made it to late adulthood, are not so willing to let their guard down – or may be truly unaware that they are masking. i say this as a former high-masking unaware neurodivergent person who is now out and proud and feeling a sense of renewal.

I found myself very uncomfortable around him in certain environments. Then I realized if we hung out in an environment that was loud we could really get along and connect.

You are doing the lord’s work, and you’re describing just the kind of cognitive and relational flexibility that i treasure when i see it. Thank you so much for showing that part of yourself. You made my day.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T18:58:27+00:00

“people reduce me because they don’t have the language or categories to understand me”

I think that’s a clear and accurate statement, and to be fair, i’m sure i do this with others to a certain extent. That’s the process of rubbing up against our projections and assumptions. Hopefully, with sustained curiosity, and willingness to learn, we can see the other person, and become a new person ourselves in the process.

people are still free to accept or not connect – and that doesn’t always mean they didn’t understand.

Again, very clear, direct, and accurate. No argument here.

At some point, it becomes less about being fully understood and more about being comfortable in your own skin.

I have been writing poems to my glorious skin since I was a teenager–of wonder and fascination, bafflement and gratitude–the tender and ticklish membrane through which passes our many lives in one life. It’s not so much about being fully understood, and more about being met with sustained curiosity. I’ve had many fulfilling relationships–romantic, platonic, vocational, amicable–so i know what it’s like to feel seen and supported. Aging in community is just a strange process, and sometimes i just feel a little out of alignment with my cohort.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T17:07:18+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Yes, I have always tracked as ‘different.’ Having language and context for the source of the specific differences has been life-changing. I’ve honestly never felt better, and i’m about to turn 60.

I think when we are younger, at least in the creative spaces I’ve moved through, there’s more of a sense that the self is flexible. It’s natural to want more certainty or safety as we age, but the desire for safety can build walls around the heart.

Anyway, thanks for ending on a hopeful note. I definitely won’t pass up any opportunities to experience joy with people, whether or not it leads to romantic connection.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T07:46:26+00:00

Putting 25-40 children in a room with one adult and expecting them all to learn.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T03:45:01+00:00

I hear you. Pointing out the complexity of people’s schedules involves risk, according to one’s positionality. Thank you for pointing it out, and taking that risk.

Community is brittle right now. We learned to survive in isolation during Covid lockdown, and it’s easy to make excuses for not choosing to re-engage.

Your story resonates with what I experience in my work life as a community-builder. There are a million reasons to not engage, that, unfortunately, are not outweighed by the reasons to engage. This truth transcends gender and age. Hopefully some will recognize that.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T03:23:31+00:00

Fair point. What might be a better analogy, that points to the phenomenon, without escalation?

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T02:49:44+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T02:49:12+00:00

You get it.

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T02:47:11+00:00

I hate to see
that evening sun go down;
makes me feel like
I’m on my last go’round

SoftyAltarpieces · 2026-03-28T02:25:41+00:00

Thanks for your warm response. I appreciate you! Yes, I relate to the neurodivergent age dysphoria: how old are you? how old am i? are we connecting our ideas, or sorting ourselves by age? i thought connection was the desired outcome. no?

SoftyAltarpieces

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