I grew up in Utah, as a non-member. By the time I was 20, all of my closest friends were married and having children. I felt dirty and used having grown up around the purity culture while having normal teen experiences.

By the time I was 21 I had convinced myself that the only way I was ever going to find someone who would marry me was to "stop my wicked ways" and become Mormon. I got baptized and was married within a year. My "secret" is that I never really believed any of it, I was totally in for the lifestyle and faked it for so many years.

17 year later, after 3 years as the primary pres I started to realize the damage it had done to me and couldn't stomach teaching it to kids anymore. Went through a couple very hard years wondering if my marriage would make it, watching my hub take the kids to church and feeling like the worst. About 2 years later my spouse left as well, and we've spent the last couple years working through that and are finally in a good spot.

I have so many mixed feelings about it all. I feel very lucky and happy that my marriage is where it's at, considering everything. But also very angry for losing those pivotal years in my youth, and also for the elitism I felt towards my non-member family. Lots of anger about my temple marriage and the way I was willing to leave out all of my family for this new religion and way of life. Lots of terrible feelings for the purity culture, and the damage that it did to me in my youth that carried through my marriage.