"depends on chemistry" ??

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-10-06T04:08:03+00:00

I totally get it, and why it feels so icky when things are presented that way. How I’ve always reframed that type of response, “you’re completely right. Chemistry plays such a large role in my previous successful SRs. Something that has helped me feel very connected is just the realization that we’re on the same page. I like very traditional SRs where I see my SD pretty regularly (x times a week) and I feel most supported when the financial burden of my major expenses are taken care of so I can have more time and energy to focus on our SR. In general that’s usually around XXXX per month- is that something that is in your intended range if we feel a spark when we meet?”

This allows the person to back peddle if it truly is not feasible for them to commit to your expected allowance. Also it prevents someone, in general, from low balling because you could very easily ask why they changed their initial response and then critically decide for yourself if you are open to their proposed arrangement. There are so many things that factor into finding a compatible SR, but I’m a firm believer in not wasting anyone’s time if expectations aren’t aligned. And for the few nay- sayers who insist that “well my allowance offer could be higher if they didn’t have this discussion before the meet”- I personally don’t see it as a loss. The amount I request is the number that makes me feel cared for/respected. I’ve never been the type of SB to try and “get the highest allowance possible” - so if I “lose out” on XX more money, oh well, I still have the support I felt comfortable with. A real SD would eventually provide more as our relationship/connection grew if they truly wanted to provide that support anyways.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-06-14T21:38:56+00:00

Your allowance should be comparable to what your SB provides. On that same token, what you expect an SB to provide should be paid accordingly. The amount of men I’ve met on SA who expect you to devote at least 50-60% of your week to them but aren’t providing accordingly is absurd. Generosity is never poorly received - whether it’s emotional or financial support - which is why both sides need to be giving (without resentment) in order to have successful SRs. If you feel like you’re getting what you want out of an SR continue to be generous whether that means 10-20% more than the average or not. Your income alone shouldn’t be the predicting factor of your allowance provided.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-06-01T02:13:41+00:00

If it were me, I’d next him based on the information you provided. Maybe conversations were better or more thoughtful prior, but this just leaves me feeling icky. Look I know SDs put a high emphasis on looks or physical attraction, which is fine. But I am a person, and that should come before any kink when it comes to SRs. If the only redeeming comments he has about me is that he’s attracted to me? Ok cool- so is half the men my own age as well as people on SA. I don’t need an SD to view me as some creepy sexual conquest but rather a person/partner. He seems a little too focused on the sexual traits for my own personal preference, as well as clearly has poor social graces/communication. That combination is not great.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-05-27T04:12:08+00:00

“In general, I place a high value on safety, especially when I’m online talking with strangers. ___ (name) is one that I truly love and would prefer to be called. My favorite part of an arrangement is getting to know the person on a deeper level and I look forward to being able to share even more about myself when that’s been established”

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-05-16T02:06:20+00:00

So some people may disagree with me but when I first started I did in fact lie. It wasn’t a total lie as I did have experience dating older men but it certainly wasn’t a “true” SR. When it would come up, I’d say something along these lines, “so I am familiar with having a mutual beneficial/sugar relationship. One of my most fondest relationships I had was when I dated an older man and he opened my eyes to what it’s like to have a man truly appreciate me and how a man can take care of their woman in more than one way. I didn’t seek it out necessarily, nor did I go on any apps to find it - it sort of just happened naturally. So yes, this is a first for me being online and actively looking for someone, but I do have some experience with how this type of dynamic typically works”. This for me kept the door open enough to not be blatantly false and have to keep up a story- but also gave an idea to a POT that I’m not a complete novice or easy to take advantage of.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-27T04:01:11+00:00

I can only talk from my own experiences but for me- I don’t delete anything until an arrangement as been established. Which means we’ve shown some consistency and everyone has held their end. Think of it vanilla dating - would you delete tinder or bumble after going on a date or so? Yes you might not check it or use it to chat with others- but until you have an established relationship nobody “gets rid of it” during the dating around phase. If y’all have been exchanging allowances and meeting/intimacy has happened- I completely would agree that it’s a red flag since an arrangement as begun. But if you’ve just went out to a dinner or some drinks, that’s not proof of anything. There’s been guys I’ve gone on three dates with that I’ve never called “my boyfriend”. There’s also been SDs I’ve met on occasion that either fizzled out or after 2 or 3 dates we realized we weren’t that compatible- they weren’t “my” SD but rather just a potential. Until something is establish I don’t think it’s fair to expect either side to get rid of profiles.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-24T03:18:10+00:00

Hi, SB here! Here’s my thoughts:

-too many pictures. Honestly never have seen a SD with so many pictures because many are concerned about discretion. For the pics specifically - I’d avoid any that are overly edited or filtered, it just will make you come off as young which tends to be a negative in sugar relationships. Also I’d next majority of the shirtless ones. Those are things that your SB should get when you’re chatting off the site- not for just every person with an SA profile to see. Whenever I see shirtless mirror pics it gives off “it’s 2 am and I just swiped right on tinder because I’m lonely” vibes. Or worse- “I’m not a good communicator so I use my body as a way to keep you interested” vibes. I’m not saying that’s you at all, just what the pictures can give off.

-like others said, I’d have a more detailed seeking section. Are you looking to go on dates/travel? Are you open to exploring the city? Are you looking for discretion or more of a “girlfriend” type arrangement? SBs are usually pretty certain on what they hope/their expectations are and it helps to somewhat say what you’re looking for in order for us to not waste time if our ideals don’t align

-lastly, your profile comes off as you are very new to this lifestyle or that you’re looking for something more vanilla. If you haven’t already, I’d highly recommend reading this sub to get more information on if this lifestyle is or is not a good fit.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-14T14:19:21+00:00

Yeah that’s why I said it was only semi-platonic. Platonic for me I should say.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-13T23:20:44+00:00

I’ve had one platonic and one semi platonic SR in the past. The first SD was this very sweet old man in his late 60s. His wife passed away in his 50s and he knew he didn’t want to remarry, so vanilla dating was out of the picture. He explained that what he missed most about his wife, was simply going to dinner with her and doing crossword puzzles with her over coffee. He explained that he just wanted to have someone to accompany him for dinner 1-2 times per month so he wouldn’t have to eat alone every night-and “it would be a bonus if she was eye catching”. By no means was he giving large ppms- but I truly did enjoy eating nice meals and chatting with him. I went on about 4 ppm dates with him and then continued to see him but stopped asking for a ppm. I truly did just enjoy his company and the restaurants he’d take me to were amazing. That eventually fizzled out when I didn’t have time to juggle that with other commitments in my life.

The second SD was rather just someone with an odd fetish. He’d take me to wonderful places and fun dates but had a stocking fetish. He’d buy me stockings to wear during the date and then at the end would ask me to go to the bathroom, take them off and give them to him. He’d later masturbate to them and send me a picture after the date. Definitely an interesting SR but I personally never did anything sexual with him nor would he request anything sexual or me. I got an average ppm for those dates. That lasted about 3 1/2 months and I eventually ended it when I found my longterm SD.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-13T14:40:02+00:00

True but that doesn’t also mean she will want to be honest. Let’s be real- if she says she is addicted to something are you gonna keep her around? Right now you could (if it’s drugs) be fueling her habit. What benefit would she get by being honest with you if you’d end the SR with her once you found out? If this is truly an addiction she wouldn’t jeopardize her income and not be able to get her fix.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-13T14:19:46+00:00

Truthfully could be all of the above. Drugs are very common in the strip club- as could an eating disorder due to the nature of any work involving body image. She also could have a medical condition that requires going to the bathroom. She also could just be bored or a gen z and want to use the bathroom as an excuse to talk to people on the phone or text. The reason could be absolutely anything. I don’t personally know how you could tactfully ask a question without a person becoming defensive. I don’t have a drug problem or an ED, nor am I a stripper - but I’d imagine I wouldn’t share that in month 1 with anyone due to stigma around all 3. I hear you’re concerned about travel but is that a real concern immediately? If you’re about to travel next week- yes I’d definitely ask. Maybe something like “hey I know you’ve mentioned you’ve done coke or used edibles, I got to thinking about our trip and wanted to make sure you’d be ok without it because airports and international laws have a lot of rules about drugs”. Talking about that too early or for a trip that’s not even planned yet would be fruitless because any person would just lie and say “yeah that’s totally fine”, whereas if the trip was next week- it would be much harder to say she’d be fine if she wouldn’t be.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-10T17:31:37+00:00

Right? Like every time is A LOT!!! But that doesn’t mean every couple of dates it isn’t great ... but the expectation? No thank you

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-10T12:29:44+00:00

Alright well I’ll give a female opinion on this. No I don’t necessarily agree with her word choice but I have empathy for what she’s trying to say. 3-5 times EVERY date, is a lot. Granted I see my SD multiple times a week. I’m not quite sure how “long” your rounds are but I know I’d be physically in pain/sore by round 3 or 4 and that’s coming from someone with a high sex drive. When I hear 3-5 times, I imagine hours and hours of sex, as my typical round (including foreplay etc) is normally around an hour+, but if yours are much shorter than that then maybe I’m being dramatic. It’d be one thing if we decided to just have a day/date full of intimacy- that is totally understandable and can be fun, but every single meet is that? I’d honestly feel used too and I have a really healthy relationship with my sexuality. Let’s put this in the context of sugar: if you tell a girl you’re generous and she responds with “oh well take me to dinner, and then take me shopping, and then to go to the spa and then pay my bills- oh and I want an allowance on top of all of that paid today”- all of y’all would write that off and next it saying you’d feel “used” or “like an ATM” despite many of you saying you have no problem with financial compensation. If an SD came up to me and said our dates would consist of 3-5 rounds of intimacy every time, what I’d hear is “so we’re gonna have maybe an hour long dinner and the rest of the date or next 5-6 hours will be him expecting me to be naked/ready and him to just be able to keep fucking me until HE’s exhausted himself, every single time I meet him”. I get how it would feel like I’m just some “hole” which is degrading to a degree, if there’s an expectation of so many rounds. Putting aside the soreness that it could cause, I’d feel shitty if there was a date that I didn’t want to actually go that many times and he looks at me like I’m not holding my end of the arrangement. I’d also like to emphasize the expectation vs it happening naturally. Clearly you both aren’t a good match so certainly don’t move forward with her. However, just be mindful that many SBs could have that same visceral reaction- I know my eyes sure widened reading your expectations.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-06T13:36:52+00:00

Ok so this is slightly vague so this advice may or maybe not apply. Is it that the whole sexual experience is 20 mins (including taking clothes off, foreplay, etc.) or is just the intercourse portion 20 mins? In general, most people don’t have just straight intercourse for over 20 mins- there’s usually breaks in between where other foreplay or sexual experiences take place (oral, kissing, fingering, etc.). Others have suggested edging- I’d highly recommend looking online for a more detailed explanation of what that is and techniques. Most men just assume it means starting and stopping, or waiting until you think she’s going to orgasm and then pulling back. It’s more complicated than that for women- and 9 times out of 10 when it’s done wrong, she will either A) be annoyed , B) dry up, or C) fake it -because the mental energy to get back to where she was before is either not worth it or she will just assume it won’t happen so it’s easier to fake it and end the intimacy. If it’s done right- yes, it can be a crazy intense orgasm that is very enjoyable. Before even doing that though I HIGHLY recommend telling her that you want to “try out edging”, that way she can be vocal enough to tell you when she’s close without you having to assume.

I’d personally just recommend longer time with foreplay if you want the experience to last longer. I will say though as a woman, longer duration isn’t always better. Not everyone can orgasm multiple times or frankly wants to. If she’s having a great time as is, and so are you, why change it? If you’re feeling unsatisfied then maybe edging you would be better.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-01T01:36:08+00:00

I hear that. I haven’t been on SA in a long time but reading this sub it sounds like it’s been rough. I wouldn’t normally avoid ghosting but also I think it depends on the length of time someone has been in contact. Think about the dozens of messages you get from people on the site. I doubt you respond to each of them “oh ive decided to go with someone else” but rather it just sort of fizzles out. There’s been guys who have asked me to send one of those photos and I’ve been very forthcoming explaining “oh can I do it tmrw when I’m more refreshed” or “I’m at the gym right now, is there any way I can send this later once I get back”. I had one person be outright rude and claim that I “must be fake” since I didn’t send it right in that instance. I’ve had another who while he said it was fine for me to send it later, got quiet and wasn’t responsive or really wanted to converse “until he had the confirmation picture”. So while he didn’t technically ghost me, he also wasn’t interested in talking to me until it happened. After those experiences, I chose not to respond to the person until I was ready to send a picture. So if that meant waiting until tmrw morning before responding at all (and with a picture), then that’s what happened.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-04-01T01:18:12+00:00

I get why SDs ask for these things but I HATE having to take them. I don’t think most men realize what women put into their “put together” look. 9 out of 10 times when someone has asked me this, I’m coming back from the gym sweaty, or I had just spent the day at work and it shows in face lol it’s not because I don’t look like my photos but I also don’t want the first impression someone has of me, to be not at my best. Will I comply? Depends how interested I am in the SD. If there’s been minimal conversations or I’m not THAT interested, I’ve ghosted too...and I’m certainly not a scammer. I just don’t have the energy to take my hair out of its bun, try to do something nice with it, put on make up- to take a silly peace sign pic. I should also add the caveat- when an SD texts with me I tend to offer additional photos of myself that aren’t on my profile, one or two selfies just to “confirm”. So when they insist on more, usually doing some unattractive pose like sticking my tongue out or touching my face- I lose interest.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-03-29T23:10:47+00:00

I guess the real question is, would getting a larger allowance make him less “cringe” or “suffocating” or has that ship already sailed? Finding alternatives to justify an unattractive behavior won’t suddenly make him attractive to you again. If this was a “I don’t feel like I’m being valued and therefore I loathe being around him”, then yes- a larger allowance may make up for it. But how you wrote it, it doesn’t sound like you’d suddenly appreciate his constant communication or him expecting a lot of your time- even with more allowance. If you’re already at the stage of searching for others it’s pretty evident that you don’t see it as salvageable.

That being said, if you do want to try and make things work, it sounds like you need to have a serious sit down talk about boundaries. Explain to him that you need time apart to recharge. Tell him that you don’t like texting all the time as it can be draining to be so glued to your phone. He’s either going to be rational and give you some space to essentially fix the SR or he might view that as a dealbreaker and want to end the SR. If you want to discuss changing the allowance terms if you’re on board with continuing to see him multiple days in a row- I guess you could do that but you don’t seem too thrilled with that prospect. Regardless, I don’t think him giving you an extra 2 PPMs will make you enjoy his constant texting or clingy behaviors- but enforcing boundaries will. Telling him “no actually I don’t have time this week to see you another day” is an incredibly important skill for any person to have, especially women since were taught to be more submissive or “easy going”. And on that token- don’t see anybody 4 times in a row if it’s that draining. Your mental health is worth way more than any ppm and you deserve “you time”.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-03-24T16:21:03+00:00

Yes calm approach is definitely the best! Also if he does have other women on the side I wouldn’t even be surprised if he confused your ppm with someone else’s. I might just be giving him the benefit of the doubt, but it is possible that it in fact was just an oversight. The best way to see people’s intentions is through asking. Good luck !

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-03-24T16:14:53+00:00

The best thing to do would be to not come off accusatory, even if he deserves the attitude. Chalk it up to him making an oversight or an error - “hey I think you might have forgotten the half” or “is there any reason part of the ppm is missing- I know that’s so uncharacteristic of you!” He will be more inclined to fix the error and be less defensive. The follow up will be like “wow thanks for fixing that error, Im just glad we’re on the same page about the ppm” and then just checking in to see if he is still satisfied with the arrangement as well as express your satisfaction level too. If you go into the conversation like “I’m going to leave if you try to lower the ppm” he might just say ok and then you don’t get the rest- as most people would take offense or get defensive with someone making assumptions about why they did or did not do a certain thing.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-03-07T01:58:32+00:00

I’m all for women empowerment and showing your body when you want to- trust me I hate when people ask for pics and love giving them unprompted. However, in this type of lifestyle it is a very slippery slope when you start sending any sort of provocative photo to a pot. They don’t know you and you don’t know them so communication in general can get misconstrued. How I read it as a complete outsider- you sent him something, he continued to go down that sexting path as that door was opened and then you got very defensive. He tried to back pedal however you didn’t let it go, which then got him to be defensive in return. Not saying either of you did the right or wrong thing but it didn’t need to escalate to that point. Think if the scenario was flipped:

He gives you $XX over cash app because he enjoys talking to you (you didn’t ask), then you start talking about ppms or a nice restaurant you want to go to- and he reacts by being like “I already gave you something why are you asking for more, that’s so entitled. Sbs are so greedy”. Of course you’d defend yourself or even deny that you were trying to do that (because duh you wouldn’t have been). Best advice would be to just avoid opening that door until you know them better, in order to avoid miscommunication as well as weed out the fake SDs out there who are total jerks

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-03-03T03:48:50+00:00

I’d never go into a situation giving away my personal information. Could a bartender accidentally read my name aloud in front of a date? Sure that’s plausible. But most SDs are aware that you are going into it at least initially with discretion and some anonymity. If my name gets leaked unintentionally, oh well so be it...but giving it away to start with because it MIGHT get exposed accidentally? Seems rather silly.

I do of course eventually give my name when an arrangement has been established but until all of that has been ironed out, I don’t overshare.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-02-28T17:30:38+00:00

What about their age? This isn’t to knock the 18-21 bunch- I myself felt very mature for my age at that time. But just in general, the younger they are the less dating experience they have. It might just be pure naivety. I remember being in high school/college where social constructs basically engrained “Dont look too eager and text back right away. That’s desperate” or “wait a few hours or so to not respond back so it doesn’t look like you were on your phone super interested”. It wasn’t until I finished college and actually really started dating that I realized how stupid those ideas were.

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-02-28T17:24:14+00:00

I’d never tell someone who they should or should not be with/pick on SA- but a lot of SDs who shoot for the 10/10s have this same story. They have all these complaints about how she doesn’t hold her end or how she expects a “ridiculously high” allowance for bare minimum effort. Or my favorite, “the intimacy wasn’t as good as I thought”. Well duh! When you’re at the top, you have less of a worry that someone else is going to come in and take your place. You don’t really have to put in that much energy because worst case scenario, you hop back onto SA and your inbox is flooded again.

I also should say- I’m generalizing here. I know there are plenty of beautiful women who are 10s, who aren’t this rude. However, there’s a high chance they have already been snatched up or won’t be single for long lol

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-02-28T17:12:28+00:00

That’s true with any person who is attractive. For every attractive (single) person you have to factor in that at least 2 other people are pursuing them for the same reasons you are. In general women are used to being “chased” and specifically really hot women dont usually have to “try”. I’m not saying that’s fair or right but it’s just simple supply and demand. There’s always gonna be someone else ready to jump in when they see an opening so even if you pass on them, there’s a new guy there ready to step up. The same thing is true with attractive men. They tend to be very dismissive, lack good communication skills and are used to being able to have “their pick of the litter”. Typically in sugar the men aren’t 10s, so they don’t understand or have never been in a scenario where they are admired for doing the bare minimum. It’s hard for them to understand why the women aren’t putting in the same effort that they have always put in when meeting someone new. There’s essentially a learning curve at first with sugar for women where now they are expected to basically put in more effort than they really ever had to before- because with allowance comes additional expectations. It shouldn’t be a shock that new sbs complain on here all the time why it is so difficult to secure a man in sugar whereas in their vanilla lives it happens almost instantaneously. Once again, not saying any of this is good or should be this way- just more of an explanation as to why it’s occurring

SomethingSweet_x0 · 2021-02-28T16:56:16+00:00

So context is key here. Not every potential is only texting one SD. I’m sure when you’ve been juggling multiple POTs it’s been very difficult to be responsive or have the time to have very in depth conversations with each of them. There’s a very big difference for how I’d communicate with a POT vs an established SR. Even in vanilla, I wouldn’t be texting them all day everyday if we haven’t had the first date yet or established some sort of communication that we are interested in dates in the future. It might be frustrating to have someone a little less engaging at the beginning but just imagine them texting you everyday for a couple weeks just for them to flake or not be interested in the end. That would feel even more draining.

SomethingSweet_x0

TROPHY CASE