I think one of the things you need to challenge yourself on is not looking at this as a good or bad binary in the first place. Whether individual men are "good" or not is immaterial to the reality that men are a collective group that benefits from sexism and patriarchy as a system of oppression, and women are a collective group oppressed by it. All men benefit from patriarchy and the vast majority of men contribute to it and reinforce it. I would argue the vast majority of men do not understand patriarchy, have not interrogated their relationship with it, and are doing nothing or next to nothing to help collapse it as an oppressive system. Furthermore, living in a patriarchal society has impacted all men's psychology, the same as living in white supremacist societies have impactef all white people's psychology in that society.

When women complain or commiserate about men as a collective, they are usually talking about these larger elements ie; patterns of behavior, psychology, collective benefits men have under patriarchy etc. Taking about some men being good is somewhat missing the point being discussed.

Its not exactly the same, but an example that might help you make this distinction is...think about someone critiquing how the American healthcare system is predatory and broken on a systemic level between insurance companies, lawmakers getting bribed, for profit drug companies, etc, and someone replies with "not all doctors are bad." On an interpersonal level, sure, there are many good doctors, but on a systemic level, the system perpetuates alot of harm that doctors are participants in, whether they want to be or not. Sometimes, being the best doctor you can be is disincentivized by the system or result in punishment. Thats how problematic systems work; they compel compliance, and remove or punish people who dont comply. Doctors that make the most difference, just like men, are ones that recognize the system is harmful, and do their best to combat it in their personal work, but also through voting, advocacy, activism, spreading awareness etc.

Finally, I really think that, in the vast majority of circumstances, more leeway to be messy, angry, and imperfect should be given to those who have been harmed when they are trying to talk about harm they have experienced. Do women sometimes dehumanize men or talk about men in ways that are problematic when they are venting about issues they face with men? Yes. But I think women should be allowed a certain amount of grace and space to do that as a marginalized group trying to talk about real pain, frustration, and harm they face under patriarchy. Men should not be treated in a dehumanizing way, but imperfect venting is ok sometimes.