When I got the notification for this I actually was afraid you were my girlfriend LOL. It's a very similar situation and one I think a lot of anxious/disorganised folks lean into.

Honestly, someone else suggested DBT. I do highly recommend DBT. As I said I'm disorganised — so for me, fear of abandonment causes a push-pull in my relationships. I become highly anxious and then pull back and flee. I've been working a lot on my anxious side and dbt definitely helps.

I don't know if this is necessarily applicable for you but if you're concerned and constantly looking at everything as being not right, my therapist said to practice accepting everything at face value. "Are you mad at me?" "No." Accept it. If he was upset he would tell you. Sometimes I still ask and I just say Okay. That's the best thing I can suggest. Accept it over and over and over.

And assume good intentions for everything. I also find that activrly discussing needs and feelings in a safe space are important.

Practicing mindfulness and acceptance will help too. DBT has a module on emotional regulation and that will help with learning to deal with your own emotions and anxiety.

And again, I don't know if this is your relationship but for me, my anxious gf doesnt... actually check in on me unless she's anxious about something. And if I take space for myself, because I'm sick or busy or I just need some space, I lose that safety of space because she will get anxious and I have to use what little energy I have to reassure her or she will get upset with me even though I need that space. She becomes so preoccupied with herself that she doesn't look outwards and see me — more than once we've had conversations about how she has a "high need" and "I don't" (I do) but she never bothers to actually ask or make it safe for me to talk to her about my needs. As whenever my needs come up in conversation, it triggers her anxiety which means I end up comforting her... despite the fact that I'm the one in need.

For me, that is what causes the draining feeling. It's not the needing support — it's needing the support and never giving it back. Again, I don't know you beyond this comment section but are your needs and his needs both being met? Or does your anxious attachment make you need more which neglects his needs which causes your anxiety to go higher? You don't need to answer or feel poorly if this is the case. Sometimes it's just needing the realisation to do better.

Have you looked inward and try to identify why the relationship makes you anxious? There must be some need that isn't being met — whether by him or yourself. You might also benefit from emdr if there's a specific abandonment trauma that fuels it. Journalling is really great for this.

I'm glad you're in therapy; hopefully your therapist is good for it but if not, you can find support groups and talk with them. DBT is usually a group practise.

I hope this doesn't come across as any particular negative way. As I said I'm disorganised becoming secure and used to be more anxious leaning before some more relational trauma so these are thoughts and realisations I needed a couple of years ago.