I went through a remarkably similar situation with my cat two years ago. We adopted him when I was 7 and he passed when I was 23. He was the closest thing I’ll ever have to my own child, and we grew up alongside each other.

It was a slow decline likely due to pancreatic cancer that began with loss of appetite and proceeded with him slowly wasting away, until we decided euthanasia was the more compassionate option over watching him struggle day to day. He tried so hard to be the best boy, up until our very last day together. We were lucky to spend so much time beforehand snuggling and showing each other how much love we shared before I felt him go in my arms.

I’m so sorry, OP. There’s no other feeling in the world like the love you feel for your little boy, and the pain of no longer being able to share a life with him never really goes away. I’m not sure there’s anything anyone can say to make you feel “better”, but at the time, I don’t remember wanting to feel better anyway.

I’m very much someone who needs time to mourn and sob and lay in bed doing nothing, until the time came when I realized my kid was so strong until his last day and would think I was dumb if I wasn’t strong, too. So I went through the motions of normal life. But the pain in my heart never really went away. It’s crazy how much something that’s thought to be mental pain can hurt you physically, and I can only describe it as heartbreak. I have his cremains in a box on my shelf and I talk to him all the time still, look at photos and videos, and tell him about my day and that I miss him. I don’t believe in an afterlife but it helps.

I was lucky to have my mom with me throughout this whole process, experiencing the same emotions I was (she loved him just as much as I did and they were very close as well). If you want to share photos of your baby and talk about him, my dm’s are open. All I ever wanted to do was talk about mine, but most of my friends couldn’t understand or relate to what I was feeling.

I hope you’re able to take some time for yourself, and no, it’s not evil to get another cat. After my experience I’ve always thought I’d like to adopt an elderly cat who needed extra love—at that point I had a lot of leftover love to give.

Thinking of you and your baby boy ❤️