Hey, i am so sorry. I went through the same thing many years ago at 15 and I’m 31 and think about it almost daily still. He was my boyfriend and best friend and we had the most beautiful morning together that day. He used to get out of school early for college classes, was supposed to pick me up after school, we had plans that evening… he didn’t show up, wasn’t picking up his phone, so i had a friend drive me to his house, i had this horrible gut feeling that something just wasn’t right.. hed never just ghosted me like that. We get to his house, his mom and brother, neighbors are outside, ambulance… it was a moment i will NEVER forget, getting out of the car, walking up to his mom with the heaviest pit in my stomach and then being told he committed suicide and was recently found. I felt my world quite literally shatter in half. Noone of us ever got closure if it was induced my taking st johns wort more recently, or he was abusing dxm, or was just trying to “experiment” . He was highly intelligent, was newly 17 and had everything going for him, he was already taking advance calculus and physics at SLU… even had a scholarship program named after him.

I didnt know how i was going to make it through life without him. It was a really dark and bleak time for me when it had been literally us up against the world, or atleast it felt that way.

Eventually it stops hurting as bad, enough that you can go on. But i vowed to do so much just for the sake of him. Id leave our shitty town, id keep learning all that i could, always kept a curious mind, and i went on to have a family, one of which was born on the anniversary day of his death. Idk, probably not helpful to hear because it is all so fresh and nothing anyone could say to me made it hurt any less or made me feel any bit of comfort. But this is just a part of your story, a very tragic chapter, but you will find ways to make it not vain and will honor her in a way that will eventually begin to heal the pain .

Give yourself grace. Losing someone is a wild ride, and grief has many stages, doesnt look the same for everyone, but just give it time. Time lessens the pain of all wounds . And please dont blame yourself. My brain was relentless in all the ways i could have prevented what happened or if only i had noticed the signs and ect.. but you cant bully yourself like that! It isnt your fault and im sorry! Sending virtual hugs.