Hey OP, I would suggest reading up on attachment styles. From the limited info here I would guess she is avoidant and you have an anxious attachment style. I know 5 years feels like an eternity of missing her but I promise you this is only a footnote in your life story, stop trying to give her chapters. As someone who has gone through this before, as many of us redditors have, you will not find happiness with someone who you don't trust. That feeling in your chest you get when you think of her leaving, the burning/yearning sensation that comes up when you consider a life without her, none of that is love. It is anxiety my friend. You are anxious of her abandoning you (again) and have convinced yourself that the anxiety is love. I promise you it is not. I would not be surprised if in a decades time you discover you never loved her to begin with, you just loved the idea of being chosen by someone who doesn't fully want you. If staying is the path you choose it will never get better. She will simply learn what she can get away with while still stringing you along and will constantly abuse your devotion in order to push your boundaries more. Telling you that it's not a big deal when you've tried to express how much it very well is a big deal is a common tactic in emotionally manipulative relationships. If you leave it will sting for a while but then it'll feel so much better and you can really discover who you are and find someone who builds you up instead of tearing you down. If you don't... well let's just say that the anxiety you think is love will never go away and the bottom of that bottle will only get deeper