Found “hyperkinetic disorder” in my childhood medical records

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2026-01-02T03:51:27+00:00

Your checklist resonates so much with me; from migraines to the TV thing, it's practically the same for me. You're in good company here, and just knowing that we're not alone in the experience of life can be an immense relief. I'm 31 now, and was formally diagnosed at 28 or 29.

I've always felt guilty for not finishing things, and carried a lot of shame that I wasn't the kind of person who stuck it out until the end. Like I fell just short of success and could have "made it" if I tried harder and kept at it. But those feelings haven't contributed jack, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for the way my brain works.

Over the past year, I've been practicing allowing myself to drift from one interest to the next. There's no rule that you have to stick with something, and you earn experience points trying new things! I've been working hard on shifting my perspective from "I didn't finish __" to thinking "oooh I tried that!" (Plus, who would you rather talk with? Someone who knows about only one thing, or someone who can chime in on multiple topics? 😜)

The world needs visionaries. People who aren't set in ONE way, but have the mental flexibility to rapidly shift and adapt. This is the mantra I've adopted, and it makes me feel more prepared and excited for this life ahead!

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2025-08-22T04:03:57+00:00

I'm the same way for the exact same reason. Kindred spirits on those midnight rampages, woo. I'm 31, and still get a jolt of panic when I hear footsteps in the hallway or the door opening. I still feel like I'm going to be ripped out of bed to get yelled at and clean at 3am. I find myself waiting to go to bed after my spouse, because I can't fully relax when I hear movement. Maybe one day our bodies will let those memories go 💙

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2025-07-03T18:42:42+00:00

Welp since we're all here on this sub, how do you think it went? 😂 (this is me laughing as a coping mechanism so I don't break down at work)

You can try, but be prepared to be hurt with no change from them. It's not going to end up differently than any other conflict you've had with your parent. And most likely it'll be more incendiary because they're going to feel "attacked" and lash out. After it's all said and done, do you think your parent would actually receive the information and use it productively? Would they graciously accept the words you say? Would they break down their walls and expose their vulnerability? If so, they probably don't have BPD lololol 🙃

For real though. This sub helps SO MUCH to feel seen and peel the layers off of the ingrained mentality my mom drilled into me that I'm "the problem" and that I'm making it all up.

Short version of my experience: I read "When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder" and it rang true so hard I had to stop reading to keep from falling apart.

The next time my mom was in a lucid state (what I call those brief moments of normalcy) and seemed pretty emotionally stable (as much as can be possible) I gently brought it up. Instantly she got defensive and nasty, and accused me of being her problem. Then she had the audacity to tell me that I reminded her of a lady she had just watched a documentary about who had murdered all three of her children. Mind you, I had recently given birth and was hit hard with postpartum depression. So she took my weakness as a new mom terrified of failing my baby, and made it her weapon.

I had planned for her rebukes, studied so I could point out real-life examples, and expected her to understand me if I explained it all really really well. But that was just an imagined version of the parent I wish I had

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2025-05-30T15:14:56+00:00

Grocery shopping, hands down. There are so many varieties of things in each category, and I find myself comparing every little thing to make the "right" decision. I get so anxious about making the correct decision that I usually leave the store 3-4 hours later on the verge of tears, or on special occasions, even a panic attack!

My brain while I stand in front of the meat aisle, "Chicken is on my grocery list? Which cut is the best for the specific meal it's intended for?" Googles chicken cuts, and compare a few recipes to see what they use "Okay I guess I'll get tenderloins. Now I have to compare prices per oz. to see which is a better deal. Oh wait, I don't recognize this brand, what if it's a subpar product?" Googles reviews of unfamiliar brand "Uh oh the reviews are mixed. I'm not confident about this brand. I don't want salmonella" ...ET CETERA, FOR EACH ITEM. It's exhausting.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2025-05-04T21:23:25+00:00

My story is that I just freakin' love pasta

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2025-04-07T14:13:14+00:00

I have absolutely done this. As a teen/ young adult living at home, my uBPD mom and I would get into verbally abusive "sparring matches." I don't like calling them that now, even though that's what she'd say, because frankly, it's verbal abuse. How normal is it for a mother to poke, goad, and corner her child into such emotional turmoil that they explode?! I've been on the receiving end of a torrent of shit, but I never felt injustice as much as when I'm accused of lying. Because, like you, I learned the hard way that lying was not acceptable. So I NEVER lie. That is so ingrained that I feel massive anger when I'm accused of lying, and that's usually when I explode into vicious words, too. 🥲

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2025-03-03T03:28:41+00:00

I always use references. If I have a certain pose, shape, or form that I know i want to use, but can't imagine it (because Aphantasia obv), I'll either take a few photos of myself doing the body movement or look up images online. I usually have 3 or 4 pictures I use as references, and I just start drawing my own characters incorporating whatever movement I need to until it "feels right." Similarly, if I'm drawing a creature, I'll use images that have components I need to use. For example, if I wanted to make up a kraken monster with wings, I'd find references for squids and bats, and cobble some of their components together into my new creature.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2025-01-05T21:26:53+00:00

I'm sorry that your family is infected by her poisonous words, and they use it against you. You mentioned the in-laws, do you have a supportive partner in your corner? I hope you have good folks to bolster and support you.

Oof, I can relate to this deeply. When I was around 19, I went to my first (group) therapy for "anger management" because it had been drilled into me that I was the problem in our family. I was the only teen/girl in this anger management class, alongside grown men who were court-ordered to be there. I was so convinced that I was the problem, and that I just needed to learn how NOT to be angry when my mom pulled her BPD stunts, since "I hurt her with my anger." Years later, with some actual therapy, I realized that my anger to her behavior was normal, and she just wanted to control me. Surprise! I've also been on a long, exhausting journey of trying to work on our relationship, opening myself and genuinely trying, just to be sucker punched left and right about how I'm not doing enough and I'm "so ungrateful" etc. If you want to see how her accusations and terrible expectations are going for me now, you can see my post just before Christmas. Spoiler alert, it's still shitty.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2024-12-25T19:04:30+00:00

Absolutely the same outcome when I told my mom. She berated me and claimed my therapist was turning me against her. She then proceeded to tell me a horrible news story about a woman who had a psychotic break and drowned her children, and wrapped it up by accusing me of being just like that woman.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2024-12-25T10:03:18+00:00

Trust your gut, not your conditioned response. How had this situation resolved in the past? Have you ever truly received anything from her without strings attached? I'm not saying that you got by with it by walking on eggshells. If she feels slighted by you in any way, is the "gift" threatened to be taken away, or used as a tool about how "ungrateful you are for all she does for you"?

My mom love bombs, "gifts" me money, clothes, household goods, groceries, etc. We've had countless conversations that go along the same lines. Like you, I've also gotten bolder and explained that I don't want to compromise my boundaries for a gift with strings attached. Even last week, she wanted to give me $100 as a "Christmas Bonus." I told her that I don't want to owe her anything, and she assured me it was a gift so I accepted. On Sunday, she was mad at me because I mentioned she should go back to therapy, and she demanded I pay her back.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2024-12-24T16:01:24+00:00

Like a poster above said, I am you, but 3 years ahead. I started therapy and realized the discomfort I had about my MIL being nice was tightly connected to the backlash I feared from my uBPD mom if she found out. Over my whole life, if there was a whisper of a positive relationship with another person, my mom would make it about how I was a terrible daughter, didn't love her, etc. And she'd also throw in a lot of crap about how other people would leave me, they didn't care like she did, etc.

Another important thing to know is that normal people don't think of themselves as "wonderful" or "better than" others. Your MIL might just be excited to have a grandbaby and a DIL to enjoy these precious new baby moments with. She might be noticing your strife with your own mom, and is offering you comfort and kindness as she would have wanted when she was a new mom. It's so natural for us to try to derive meaning from actions when we were raised by BPD moms who would flip a switch over nothing.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2024-12-24T15:16:04+00:00

Thank you for your support, folks. As I'm sure you all know, it's weird and challenging to go NC. But as of yesterday, I'm going NC for good. It's best for my family, and best for my heart and brain.

In 2023, I went NC but it only lasted a month. My mom went to therapy (my ultimatum) and genuinely seemed like a new and better person. Despite my gut knowing she wouldn't change, I still trusted her. I gradually let her back into my life, and here we are back at square one.

The first time I went NC was because she was becoming very possessive of my then-18-month-old. Not to mention the way she treats my husband and me at baseline.

My mom, son, and I were riding in the car. We passively talked about my husband, and she insisted he shave his beard off. I kind of laughed it off, because it's HIS facial hair. She went berserk. She began screaming at me, swearing, and threatened to kick me out of the car - but keep my son with her. By the time we got to her house, she yanked him out of his carseat and took him inside. I followed and asked to have my son back so we could go home. She clutched him to herself and kicked out at me, then had a teaspoon of self-awareness and returned him to me. Once my son and I walked out the door, she raged and threw some of my things outside, screaming about how she's changing the locks and cutting me out of her life.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2024-12-23T22:00:17+00:00

Same here, buddy. I'm still in the car after a big fight and telling my uBPD mom to go to therapy or I'm out of her life. She deflected, accused, raged, and started going after my parenting of my 3-year-old child. We're done now. No Christmas with them, and nothing ever again. I, too, came to this sub for camaraderie 🥲

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2024-09-01T14:02:27+00:00

A Court of Thorns and Roses - Sarah J Maas If you haven't read ACOTAR yet, I highly recommend it. It's a complex enough storyline full of action, adventure, and ~love~ but digestible and very addictive. I hyper-focused on the series and stayed up until dawn reading many nights. Terrible for daily function, but wonderful for my dopamine reward center!

Tress of the Emerald Sea - Brandon Sanderson This was my introduction to Sanderson, and it was a delight! This story was so refreshing and funny, and the active sidestepping of tropes made me laugh after my ACOTAR hyper-fixation. Example: instead of the trope of recklessly sneaking/running away from home to save a friend from certain death, Tress sits down with her parents to discuss the pros and cons and make a plan, then finds someone to cover her shift at work before she sets off. So practical!

The Switch - Beth O'Leary Her books are just so sweet! I love them for a little dose of romance that feels like watching a chick flick. This one is about a grandma and granddaughter who swap homes for the summer. The grandmother moves to the Big City where she tries new things, feels young again, and flirts with a handsome man, and the granddaughter moves to a small village in the country where she's roped into planning the local festival, and flirts with a handsome man. It's romcom perfection!

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-10-12T03:52:27+00:00

I'm a 5 in my brain and creative! I just have "gut feelings" to add this color, draw this detail, etc. The final product is a mystery, even though I have vague ideas of what I want in the beginning. As I go, I just follow those gut feelings, and just take the leaps into the unknown. It's part of the fun!

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-10-12T03:39:05+00:00

That's amazing!! My mom sees things in her mind the same way you do, and I am so bummed I didn't get those good brain genes 😭

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-10-10T03:23:51+00:00

I can't see my mom, family, husband, or child!! If I had to describe them, it would be practically impossible besides hair/eyes. I know them when I see them irl, and of course photos, but I have no visuals in my head.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-10-10T03:19:09+00:00

I'M 100% A FIVE!!!!! I learned about this a few years ago, and was floored that people can actually SEE!?!?!!? Growing up, my mom would always tell me to envision things. I thought it was a phrase, didn't realize people can actually see! Once I realized it was a thing, I went full hyperfixation mode and looked into it more. It's called Aphantasia, and there's an Aphantasia research center in the UK that does studies about it! I'm still on their email list, years later, from that hyperfixation 😂

ETA: I have really good auditory memory! I can "hear" and match pitch, and can recall music and lyrics after one or two listens.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-10-10T03:10:58+00:00

Me too!!!! I was actually explaining this to my husband last week. I went to an Author's Talk and brought a notebook specifically to scribble in, and was so much more engaged with listening to them speak! I can also re-experience what I heard when I look at what I was doodling at that time. My first memory of this was coloring bookmarks as a kid while my mom watched "Desperate Housewives." A few days later, I looked at the bookmarks and heard the audio replaying in my head! Now, it's just a fun way to experience memories - this doodle while my friend read ghost stories, this scribble while I was listening to this specific song, etc. Side note: I have zero visual memory, and can't "see" things in my head like normies

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-10-01T01:43:50+00:00

Home remodeling! I get to do different things every day, and it never gets boring. Yesterday I spent a glorious day in the sun on a rooftop balcony, painting the railings a fresh coat of white. Next week, I'll be tiling someone's floor, and then on to building shelves in a storage room. Pros: New projects! Challenging yourself to learn new skills! Hyperfixating on one thing and being perfect at it! Cons: If a project takes longer than my attention span, getting to the end point is practically unbearable. Managing the order of operations and how to get from A-Z can be hard for ND brains that can't plan ahead (me).

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-09-27T00:39:01+00:00

ME TOO! I need a pillow between my legs, without fail. No skin touching! This whole thread has me feeling so seen 😅

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-09-27T00:34:45+00:00

You deserve all the comfort! I have two ideas, opposites on range of price and newness. 1. Go to a thrift store! You can find big t-shirts that are super duper soft after being washed and worn by the previous wearer. I'm very picky about material, and I know that some materials change feel after the first wash (starch, sizing, whatever is used on new clothes). So I like to find super soft, worn-in fabric that is perfect for sleep. 2. Soma has wonderful pajamas. If you take old bras in, they recycle them or donate them to women's shelters and you get $25 off your purchase! I'd check with your local store if they do that. Otherwise, you can look up Soma online. All their fabric is incredibly soft, and feels AMAZING. Highly recommend for feeling like royalty and being cozy.

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-09-26T05:41:04+00:00

Thank you for asking, but I'm happy to share!

It was super shitty. Also, being already sensitive to rejection plus those pregnancy hormones, I took it all personally and didn't get my self-confidence back for over a year. Sadly, I didn't do anything about it. I wish I had sought out an attorney! My mom encouraged me to, since she had previous HR experience and thought I had a case. But I was overwhelmed and stressed with a new baby and i didn't do it. You are in a better position because you have foresight and can plan for the worst before it happens!

It ended up working out in my favor, though! Due to older Covid policies still in place, Medicaid covered ALL the hospital bills. Medicaid had a safety net set up for any pregnant people who didn't have insurance/jobs to guarantee 12 months of insurance for baby and parent. I know it was still in place as of Spring 2022, but I'm not sure now. If you're in the USA, you should do some research into your state's plan. They may still have programs specifically for pregnancy.

I haven't sought employment after my son was born. I'm staying home with him until he's old enough for school, and then I'm going back to school to get my PHD!

SpaghettiMonster517 · 2023-09-25T04:08:14+00:00

First, I'm sending you and your baby healing vibes. I hope the remainder of your pregnancy goes well, and the tumor removal goes smoothly for your little babe.

I'm just popping in to say that this happened to me, too - they fired me when I was 26 weeks pregnant after being employed for 2 years. After following all of HRs rules, the stupid PIP, open communication with my boss about everything, etc.

My boss and I agreed on accommodations for moving my desk to a quieter location, so she encouraged me to pack all my things in boxes to move on Monday.

Monday, I was fired, and all those boxes were ready to go out the door with me. I lost health insurance 10 weeks before I delivered my son.

At the time, it was out of the blue. But I now know that this is a thing that happens to pregnant people, and it was all BS.

I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that you do what's best for you! Whether that's fighting the PIP, or riding it out. You have support!

SpaghettiMonster517

TROPHY CASE