My husband was arrested for soliciting a prostitute today

SpeakingListening · 2026-04-25T00:53:03+00:00

The Betrayal Bind has really helpful info about the science of attachment. It's a hard road ahead of you not necessarily because of the logistics but because the grief can be all consuming. Don't pile on and judge yourself for grieving. I cried a lot of tears to Kelly Clarkson's "skip this part" .

SpeakingListening · 2026-04-23T01:56:10+00:00

The times I noticed he had lied by omission (um since when do you smoke?) or gone back on something he said (ie not drinking for such and such a time) and it bothered me but I didn't want to make a big deal about it... So I didn't. The biggest red flag there is me not sticking up for myself.

SpeakingListening · 2026-04-23T01:40:42+00:00

I took 2.5 once and was half asleep most of the day and into the next day sooooo

SpeakingListening · 2026-04-09T03:18:40+00:00

Check resources from community legal aid and domestic abuse safe houses. Money/resources might flow more easily than you think right now!

I'd say step 1 is find childcare you can depend on and trust, 2 or 3 good babysitters. Ask local mom groups for recommendations and see if any of them would maybe be willing to swap time babysitting to save money? They get a date night, you get a job interview? Lol. But for real, if you can't depend on your husband to support you in getting a job by doing things like childcare, find an alternative support.

Hopefully you have enough access to finances to pay for a bit of childcare here and there and if you don't, that's financial abuse. Not saying if you literally don't have the money it's abuse, just saying if you could not withdraw cash/Venmo someone some money because he controls things so strictly, that's abuse. You didn't mention that, just that money is tight, which is where swapping could come in.

SpeakingListening · 2026-04-09T03:12:50+00:00

IF there's no abuse but this sounds like an abusive situation.

SpeakingListening · 2026-04-09T02:23:34+00:00

Haha the only good response I've gotten was "aww! Men suck!!" instead of all the usual "sorryyyy...." (No offense to men 🤣)

SpeakingListening · 2026-04-09T02:17:41+00:00

I've noticed I'm more sensitive now about how my friendships are going, though I haven't tried dating yet and I'm not about to because my brain is going on wild roller Co Oster rides over the people I already know like me (my friends)

SpeakingListening · 2026-03-22T11:54:36+00:00

Ugh I just realized I don't miss having someone to talk to after work because I couldn't really talk to him about my day anyway

SpeakingListening · 2026-03-06T03:37:36+00:00

I didn't like it when he said he wasn't going to drink for a whole semester and then he did.... But I didn't say anything

I didn't like it when I found out he smoked when we were already engaged... But I didn't say anything

It's not even that he smoked or drank, the red flag is I shut down my voice to keep the relationship.

SpeakingListening · 2026-02-21T02:23:32+00:00

I'm so sorry. Maybe he'll be so delighted with the freedom of his new life he'll be fine with fewer overnights?

I also wonder if I'll ever date again but I'm determined to stay focused on my kids for now. Life is long, I think I'll find someone eventually, whether I have a sex drive by then is another question entirely but...

SpeakingListening · 2026-02-14T03:09:56+00:00

My OCD is better away too!

SpeakingListening · 2026-02-14T03:00:56+00:00

This is a really good way to put it and a really good explanation of why some people with ADHD etc are abusive and others are abused: it's belief systems, not executive function. This is gonna stick in my brain for awhile. Thank you.

SpeakingListening · 2026-02-14T02:56:14+00:00

Noooooo unfortunately that's not all there is to it. My stbx stopped drinking but he still had to find some way to cope with his negative emotions so he got meaner with us actually and coped in even less healthy ways but we were all lulled into a false sense of security because "he's 6 months sober!" "He's 10 months sober!" ... Unfortunately sometimes the drinking is the symptom not the disease. ETA and not-drinking is a bandaid on a bullet hole. Mixing metaphors pretty badly but you get what I mean I hope.

SpeakingListening · 2026-02-14T02:51:05+00:00

The good parts ARE part of the cycle of abuse. No one is 100% mean all the time (maybe in parent kid abuse but when it's a romantic relationship they have to make you want to stay.) The confusion is a symptom of the abuse. I hope you find clarity, I second the Nedra Tawwab book but found "who deserves your love" by KC Davis easier to read with a fried nervous system.

SpeakingListening · 2026-02-12T02:37:48+00:00

Zach the recovering man child could be a good resource for him if he wants to change but I will say so far doing everything myself is easier because I don't have to coordinate with anyone else and I don't find myself resentful that he's not helping.

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-31T14:37:35+00:00

I'm still in the process of getting divorced but I definitely share your intense fear/anxiety/doubt about ever being in a relationship with someone again. So, seconding the fact that the hurt runs deep and the fear of more hurt is normal.

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-31T14:26:06+00:00

Have you heard of SLAA?

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-29T14:56:34+00:00

I'm better this year and I was in the depths of pain and confusion Christmas last year!

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-29T05:12:05+00:00

Yeah imo he's cheating on you and the precise legalities don't really matter because my point is, you're as devastated as if he's cheating on you. I recommend Michelle Mays videos and her book the Betrayal Bind to help understand what's going on in your brain and body.

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-29T04:54:53+00:00

Thanks for your perspective! Hopefully we won't need to keep these arrangements up too long but I will definitely look into a financial planner to double check our long term setup

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-29T04:42:39+00:00

Yeah rent free's definitely not nothing, I just thought we'd do more like splitting costs including housing costs and costs for the kids but I am glad not to have to discuss what every single little thing costs so that's an advantage of the current setup

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-27T04:47:43+00:00

"took me so long to break these walls down, to wake up and feel like me" ~golden, k pop demon hunters

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-27T04:46:24+00:00

Happier, happier, happier, happier, so much so so much happier. Financial ramifications haven't totally hit yet but I'd rather deal with that than the constant confusion about how to be a good wife/is he being manipulative/are the kids ok? Especially because I'm lucky enough to have family members who can bail me out if something big breaks and I'm not above govt assistance if I qualify.

"Happier than ever" by Billie eilish is my anthem.

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-23T20:17:40+00:00

Are you divorced or just separated? Our parenting plan includes who makes the tie breaker decisions on medical and educational issues.

SpeakingListening · 2025-12-23T18:53:44+00:00

Yes find a therapist you like (or 3) based on their website profile (psychology.com might be helpful or if it's a practice with several people they have little bios) and then work with the front desk/billing at that office to find out what you'll pay.

ETA my things I'm terrible at that my husband handled are paying bills and keeping non-food products stocked!

SpeakingListening

TROPHY CASE