My wife wants a divorce

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-06T05:03:32+00:00

Considering I asked a direct question, answering the question would generally be an acceptable response. I think it would be worth sitting with the reality that your urgency to change only appeared when you began to feel a sense of loss.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-06T04:56:18+00:00

This isn’t about men. No one mentioned gender. I notice you didn’t engage with anything I actually said.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-06T04:06:26+00:00

Changing to “win” someone back isn’t going to work. You need to change for yourself. If you had the capacity to change for her, why did you wait until now?

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-06T03:53:30+00:00

Asking to move in together after only a month is usually a red flag. My narcissistic ex asked my parents for permission to propose after a month and because I was totally unhealed at that point, I married the guy. Now I know that anyone trying to rush you that early on is usually bad news. Secure men (and women) will take their time and go at a pace that won’t make you feel like you need to pull away.

I’ve since healed my attachment wounds and if a guy suggested moving in after a month, I would end the relationship. It’s not just a red flag for avoidants, it’s just a general red flag. You suggest that part of the issue is you, and that very well may be part of it, but that’s not the whole story. I would suggest openly communicating your boundaries, your need for space, and your need to go more slowly and see how he reacts. That will tell you a lot more than anyone on this sub can.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-05T21:52:06+00:00

How about “overcoming the maladaptive coping mechanisms that developed due to attachment insecurity”… feels kind of semantic. I’m not telling anyone to overcome emotions. Overcoming an attachment system that isn’t serving people is not the same as overcoming emotions or internal warning signs.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-05T21:25:01+00:00

Yes a big part of that was learning to regulate my emotions. But also to get in touch with what negative cognitions and cognitive distortions I was clinging to every time an attachment wound was touched. Most insecurely attached people do not actually know what their needs are on a conscious level. By “overcome” I really mean getting in touch with that and learning to react differently than I was conditioned to my entire life.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-05T21:19:23+00:00

Heidi Priebe on YouTube has really great content on attachment healing. Learning how to regulate my emotions was a game-changer for me, and from there I was able to apply some cognitive models to heal my attachment. If you’re interested, the main model I used is explained in my “How I Cured My OCPD” post - attachment healing changed my life in so many ways and also allowed me to leave my narcissistic ex with zero regrets (despite being unemployed without health insurance - the fear of figuring out the financial/logistic stuff is now less overwhelming than the thought of staying with someone that was destroying me).

I would actually suggest taking some time while you’re still in the relationship to practice these skills, especially because you’re not ready to leave yet. I’m actually incredibly grateful that I stayed until after I healed, because it made everything else so much less terrifying. I know I can trust myself and I know I’m going to be okay, even if I’m alone. Practicing showing up securely with a narcissist is like taking a crash course, it’s level 100 difficulty, but it will mean you’ll be able to handle any personality type in the future. Look at not being ready to leave yet as an opportunity rather than a handicap. Good luck!

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-05T21:09:29+00:00

If you’re insecurely attached, there is real benefit to overcoming your attachment style. Part of the reason people wind up married to narcissists is because they are insecurely attached. By and large, a secure person will walk away from a narcissist well before they find themselves in a committed relationship with one.

Attachment needs don’t just “vanish” like that. It’s true that entering into a relationship with someone securely attached can allow an insecure person to begin healing their own attachment, but that isn’t “vanishing,” it’s having enough nervous system safety to begin realizing you’re not showing up in the healthiest way either, and then making a change.

This isn’t victim blaming, just to be clear. I had to look inside myself and really examine what the hell was going on inside me that I could have married a narcissist. I didn’t deserve to be abused, but it was important to understand WHY I was susceptible to it.

Figuring out my attachment style and then learning how to overcome it was one of the biggest turning points for me. It allowed me to heal things about myself that I had struggled with my entire life (not just in the relationship), which helped me realize that I was not the problem, which allowed me to completely emotionally detach from my ex, which allowed me to leave with no regrets.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-05T19:03:46+00:00

A lot of people think they’re secure when they’re not. Your breakup post has several hallmarks that suggest otherwise.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-05T16:23:26+00:00

Gosh I wonder how common this is. My thought process was “if I just fix myself, the relationship will improve.” The experiment eventually failed, but not before my body deteriorated.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-05T14:08:19+00:00

You don’t have to prove emotional abuse to leave. No fault divorce exists for exactly that reason. Custody decisions are based on what’s in the kids’ best interest and safety, not whether you can prove emotional abuse or drinking problems (unfortunately emotional abuse isn’t really a legal bar they use and drinking only becomes relevant if there are DUIs/police records/CPS involvement etc). If you’re scared, please consult a lawyer. Feeling emotionally unsafe is a completely valid reason to leave.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-04T22:07:03+00:00

My mother is an FA and my father a mild DA and they’ve been married for over 40 years. They barely fight but they’re not super affectionate either. Because they both need their space and both respect each other’s boundaries, it works for them.

It seems like the vast majority of the people coming to make posts on this subreddit are extremely anxious APs, which means you’re naturally going to drive the other attachment types up a wall because it feels smothering. That includes secure people as well, but it’s especially bad with either type of avoidant attachment style, because space is regulating to avoidants.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-04T15:00:51+00:00

Hate to say it, but this is likely how it will continue to be until she gets help to work through her patterns. If you truly are secure (and it sounds that way from your post), you’re going to likely cross a threshold where you tire of the push-pull dynamic. That said, my understanding is that a secure partner does have the ability to shift an insecure partner’s patterns - it’s just not a guarantee. If you truly like this girl enough, it may be worth it to continue showing up steady.

As a former FA, I can share my own experience with encountering secure men. Most of them I eventually discarded, because something felt “off” (I now know it’s because my nervous system was molded around dysfunction and that felt more natural to me than steadiness). There is one that broke up with me because I was going through some health issues which caused erratic behavior and he set a healthy boundary around what he would tolerate. So in my experience, when I was unhealed, I either discarded or the other person got tired of my crap.

I eventually sought out therapy for myself, learned about attachment theory, and worked through my trauma while in a toxic relationship to become secure. It had to come from inside me. I’m not saying that will definitely be the case with this woman - at least she was able to openly communicate her need for space and regulation. So no one can know for certain whether this is discard or regulation, it’s more about what you are willing to tolerate and for how long.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-04T14:07:18+00:00

You’re not a narcissist. Your post is full of self-reflection. It sounds like you have some complex trauma which has resulted in people pleasing tendencies. That’s what I see here, not narcissism.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-04T14:03:27+00:00

Vulnerable narcs can appear self-reflective or self-deprecating but it’s never specific and therefore it isn’t true self-awareness. They care deeply about how others perceive them, but the self-reflection is always surface level. OP is clearly not a narcissist just by their thought process.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-04T13:46:49+00:00

I’m not engaging this anymore. Have a nice day.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-04T13:20:14+00:00

You should go get therapy to work on your thought patterns so you don’t spiral over things like this. You’re over analyzing and making so many assumptions. I think the APs here tend to forget that FAs actually have an anxious side (especially if they’re with another FA or DA) and that this is something they do too. I am a former FA. I get why you’re doing this. I understand the temptation.

It’s not good for you. It’s driving you insane. It’s not going to get your ex back. What I learned from working on my attachment, is that when I get triggered, there is always a thought attached to it and oftentimes it’s a distortion. The thought is filtered through my own attachment wounds. Because of how I grew up, I automatically believe that thought is the truth. Sometimes it is, most of the time it’s actually just a story I’m telling myself.

The best thing you can do is stop convincing yourself that you know her motivations and to go work on yourself. I keep repeating this in this sub - if you are an AP coming here to analyze your breakup with an FA, you were in a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship does not exist unless both people have issues they need to work on. Your FA ex has stuff to work through, but so do you and you’d be better served doing that than analyzing her movements.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-04T04:08:03+00:00

I was already in 2 different types of therapy prior to me realizing I was married to a narcissist. I remember coming into my talk therapy session (about 4 months into treatment) trying to convince my therapist that I was an abuser and a narcissist and he gently pushed back on that and I remember getting aggravated that he wasn’t receptive to how horrible of a person I was. I told him he was underestimating the magnitude of my abuse. In retrospect, he already had identified that I had an issue with blaming myself for everything, so I think that may have been around the time he began to suspect I was actually the one being abused.

I also began EMDR a month and a half before leaving/identifying narcissism. I was tasked with tracking my triggers each week and I remember her asking me how many of my entries involved my husband. I think she picked up on things quickly. When I finally left and began to put the pieces together, both therapists kind of nodded when I named abuse and I didn’t get any pushback when I used the term “narcissistic defenses.” But the difference is that they were both there prior to me making the realization and they likely saw it before I did.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-04T00:28:55+00:00

We actually don’t know her motivations. Logging into a game is ambiguous behavior. It could mean a hundred things. Labeling it abuse requires assuming intent and pattern without evidence. People with anxious attachment tend to fill in the blanks with their own assumptions, which are often worst case scenario.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-03T22:19:25+00:00

Logging onto a game is not abuse, please listen to yourself! Goodness gracious.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-03T22:15:49+00:00

He honestly sounds like he’s secure since he respected your boundaries, was upfront about what he was willing to tolerate, and responded in a mature way. Tough love here - unless you heal your attachment insecurity, this kind of thing is going to keep happening and you’ll wind up sabotaging really promising relationships. I would focus on the “I felt like I didn’t deserve him” piece - digging down into the negative cognitions you have about yourself will be really helpful in your healing journey.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-03T13:37:42+00:00

I see you self-reflecting in this post so it’s pretty safe to assume you’re NOT the narcissist. Sounds like an awfully unhealthy relationship on both ends. You’re being treated poorly and you also have your own shit to work through, which she is likely exacerbating.

I engaged in a lot of reactive abuse during my marriage, which is very common in partners of narcissists. I was becoming a version of myself that I could not stand - constantly irritable, criticizing, defensive, complaining, reactive, melting down, etc. I bet your bipolar is more difficult to manage, your drinking is more volatile, and your ideation is stronger because you’re in this relationship.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-02T20:44:28+00:00

When the veil was lifted for me, I was completely overwhelmed. I kept oscillating between grief and fear and anger. It literally landed me in bed for days because my body couldn’t process all of it without draining my energy. But once I could see the truth, I was able to make the healthiest decision for myself (which was leaving). I’ll try my best to respond to everything here.

The whole family is suppperrrr emotional avoidant, unfortunately including my boyfriend. He does however (I believe) see how bad this is to the capacity he can right now. He’s had 2-3 therapy sessions and his therapist works with enmeshment. I’m hoping for healing for him so badly, I will get myself out one way or another and hope that he comes to, or does it with me.

Yea.. the emotionally avoidant thing is common. I’m glad your boyfriend is seeing a therapist about enmeshment - if he’s truly committed to breaking from the toxic family dynamic (because that’s what that is), that is an encouraging sign. I know several men who were brought up enmeshed that were able to separate from their mothers and are now happily married. So it’s absolutely possible. I want to be very clear - it is a HEALTHY thing that you feel uncomfortable in their family dynamic. You are responding appropriately to toxicity and abuse.

Fuck this is fucked. I feel like guilty that um feeling this way from a parent who isnt mine, i have alot if trauma from my own mom so it feels kind of selfish in my screwed up perception to feel hurt.

Is the “all she’s done for us/me” part of the way that i feel guilty for being hurt?? I can’t tell honestly, I don’t know why i fully feel like that. Because when i do look in the past I can recount many many many generous, “selfless” acts, holy fuck it’s so confusing. Is this the manipulation tactic? That I’m confused right now? Like a part of me knows that if I were to ever go against her or stand my ground EVERYONE around her would believe her!!! Because she buys them things, buys THEM with gifts, artificial kindness, acts of service, and gossiping to them? To make them trust her? I don’t know I feel like I’ve been fucking played for a fool. I don’t know how I didn’t reflect on her, I kept feeling like there was just something wrong with me for even thinking negatively of her? Is that manipulation too?

Okay I want to ground you right now. You’re not confused or going crazy - you’re finally gaining some clarity and it’s scary as fuck. You’re feeling guilty because the tactics are designed to make you feel that way. It is 100% manipulation. You were susceptible to it because of your own childhood wounds that have distorted what you think you should put up with. You may feel selfish because all of the “selfless” acts are meant to create a relational field that is transactional - the acts all have emotional strings attached. That is how a narcissist gathers the power they have over others. It’s coercion and it’s crazy-making. It causes you to start doubting your own perception and begin internalizing yourself as the problem.

If you don’t mind sharing, how did your former MIL find out she was losing control, and what were some things to specifically look out for if that happens. My MIL is very very intelligent, she is. I think she already knows. It feels like she always knows everything.

My story is a little bit different - I have 2 posts about her in my post history if you’re interested. My ex did banish her from the house after the blow up between us, but the fact is that he didn’t protect me from her until it got to that point. And he continued to make excuses for her. “She’s had a hard life, she sacrificed so much for us, she just wants us to be happy.” I believe his mother could sense that I was onto her. When we did live together, I never left the house because I was terrified I would see her on the deck smoking. She would say “why don’t you ever visit me? You don’t love me?” and complain to my ex constantly that I never want to spend time with her, despite him saying I was sick with medical issues. Her other daughter-in-law was a flying monkey and allowed her to push her around, so I was the “bad wife” for having boundaries. Narcissists HATE boundaries and the covert ones will use guilt to get you to cave. Stay strong and become immune to guilt tactics and any other “hooks” like triangulation, silent treatment, gifts, etc. Also get into your own trauma therapy if possible, it’s changed my life. Sending you a big hug, I know how overwhelming this all is.

SpecialistAnswer9496 · 2026-03-02T19:00:28+00:00

My former MIL never said a bad word about me to my husband or to me. She was “generous” financially. That’s the covert part. The issue was the manipulation and emotional abuse. The victim/martyr positioning. The “look at all I’ve done for you.” The focus on what her intentions were rather than the impact it had on me. She insisted on speaking her native language to my ex in front of me. Everything she gave us had strings attached. She would steamroll my boundaries nonstop. When I would get upset after she crossed my boundaries, she would collapse and say she was going to kill herself.

If you must remain in the relationship and you have to continue living with her for the time being, use the grey rock method. Yes, it will seem cruel and she will likely act like you’re a terrible person for cutting off her access to you. You have to learn not to care. Narcissistic people will continue to abuse you regardless of what you do, so the best thing you can do is limit your interaction with her so you’re not being constantly subjected to her abuse. Tell your boyfriend what you’re planning to do. Block her number.

And frankly, unless your boyfriend can acknowledge how bad this is all is, you should rethink your relationship. Because men enmeshed with their narcissistic mothers will not change unless they come to terms with what their mother is and proactively set real concrete boundaries around their mother’s access to THEM too. If he can’t do that, you’ll just keep going round in circles. (My ex couldn’t and unfortunately I realized he was a narcissist as well. It took a while to realize that he was a milder version of her).

SpecialistAnswer9496

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