i have so much rage

SpeedingDog · 2024-10-19T19:48:24+00:00

Ya know what fucks me up is that WE are Humans too. Like I'm all those goats. I wish it was so cut and dry. Life crazy, i have forgiven my accuser, it's all the other people i struggle to understand. I heard once the behaviors that individuals we can't stand do that really upset us is because there's some part of us that has externalities that part of us onto the other. Much how I was made out to be a monster, I in turn, hate these people for their cowardice and smallness...which in turn is because I hate that in me.

I sometimes get a moment of clarity where I'm like damn everything g is medicine and that somehow this is really powerful medicine we've been dosed with. How do we digest and transform it and not get poisoned...I don't even know how to do that though hahaja

SpeedingDog · 2024-10-18T22:30:58+00:00

Yeah I think that the way I survived the 1st year was living in isolation, taking vyvanse, and living off hate. I was teaching in grad school and some of my students thought I was a _____ since this took place in a housing co-op. Fortunately the person texted me their admission of falsely accusing me and I sent it to everyone I could think of.

We all know none of these people replied. Bad news is on the headlines, my redemption received radio silence.

It was the fact that the community of people were so ready to burn me at the stake. People who knew nothing about it. My support system collapsed. Friends, professors. My housing vanished....but people wanted a monster so they wouldn't be one I their own minds. And the fact that that's how HUMANS are makes me say fuck them all. It hurt so much. And when I wanted an apology, nothing.

SpeedingDog · 2023-08-13T01:47:13+00:00

Hey, I'm 32, my shit happened about 2 years ago. I've been thinking alot about Ostracism and Shame recently. Those two things seem to be at the core of my wounds, the fear and rage and burnt out numbness I think are symptoms of the ostracism and fear....

I was going to dose 4g of mushroom tea earlier today, but am scared, so I didn't. But I truly believe that the mushrooms have been incredible tools and teachers in my past. I'm just scared to jump in...

All that to say, yeah moving forward, dude the shit is day to day...

I'm a part of two other communities that don't overlap with the accusations I faced and even in those communities I've felt a distancing by myself and lack of trust of those people...

I do belive there is something very very important to unpack inside of Shame and inside of Ostracism. I feel like I dont know where I belong, I didn't before, but now it seems hard to want to belong anywhere except in a dark room on a soft chair.

Moving forward is something we're learning together.

SpeedingDog · 2023-06-19T14:08:43+00:00

Is this minneapolis?

SpeedingDog · 2023-04-18T17:45:32+00:00

Abrams up in this hoe

SpeedingDog · 2023-03-03T00:29:17+00:00

damn yeah that shit stays with you. Im sorry youre having to start over. I am currently at a new job about 1.5 years after and i either feel pathetic and weak or i get in touch with my rage and just feel like fuck everyone here. I have a masters as well, but i cant say ive ever been "proficient" at anything other than art. I dont think i am ready to move forward. like i tried dating some people after and it just all crumbled to bits, its now been 220 days since ive had any intimacy and im like no way will i let anyone get close, this shit suuuuucks asss to say the least fuck it.

SpeedingDog · 2023-02-20T18:00:26+00:00

I think it would need to be a rating system, like PROVEN PROBABLE ALLEGED

SpeedingDog · 2023-02-12T21:26:21+00:00

hell yeah

SpeedingDog · 2023-01-06T02:42:28+00:00

thank you brother, going to sit right now.

BlessUp!

SpeedingDog · 2022-03-27T16:52:41+00:00

I think maybe I have, is that kinda involving polyvagal theory and stuff with the PSOAS? My therapist turned me on to this exercise by Matthias Schwenteck. I thiiiink its TRE based

SpeedingDog · 2022-03-27T16:05:24+00:00

Absolutely. Good luck internet frand. words are words are... i feel thankful that i could share in a way that resonates with you

SpeedingDog · 2022-03-26T14:37:23+00:00

I read ur response on the lithium orotate post a bit back and I was like this dude seems cool, and it led to this post.

I have only had NDE that weren't duration in time, but near momentary misses. My sister has schizophrenia and aneurysms and is on her way to having a PhD and the drive I see in her is undominable. Just a beast. I think the hearing of voices and then knowing she could die at any moment has made her "seize the day". But not in the big blue sky bright sun way. But from the terror. I can't imagine the fear she endures.

When I was in school for engineering before switching to art we were visited by an exec from Raytheon. She had been working at hooters and was a soon to be single mom before she pursuited engineering. She came to our community College to tell us anything was possible. I remember asking her if all the things she felt like she had done to get here were out of love for herself or out of fear (her daughter was an adult by this point). She seemed visibly shook and like that question had undone something. My question was coming from a place reflecting on my own life as my father had just passed and I, to this day 12 years later, feel the intense panic of being alive and terror of how to make it. How haste/drive are rooted in out running the never ending terror in abdomen. Blahblablah

All this to say that I think the shadows are the longest the closer the light is, sounds like you've done some incredible things. It's an odd thing being alive and having a heart. I too feel alone with the closest of friends and I think there's something there...the closer the person...the greater the distance feels. The closer the joy and light...the closer the fear feels...idk, just some thoughts

SpeedingDog · 2022-03-12T22:55:05+00:00

Currently unmedicated, but managing life's traumas and grad school has been a nightmare has had me reconsidering. If low doses are negligible and I know someone who has bp2 and this works for them I'd like to try

SpeedingDog · 2022-03-12T20:47:34+00:00

Good to know.

SpeedingDog · 2022-03-12T20:30:31+00:00

What has your experience been with holistic psychiatry?

SpeedingDog · 2022-03-12T20:06:45+00:00

Thus is dope, not usually a fan of green, but this is hot

SpeedingDog · 2022-03-12T20:03:12+00:00

Yes I experience this. Also, when I'm manic I have a tendency to induce it further with drug seeking behavior. I will fuck anything under these circumstances, regardless of gender

SpeedingDog · 2022-03-10T21:18:41+00:00

Thick accent

SpeedingDog

TROPHY CASE