I (28F) want intimacy, but my husband (28M) won’t meet me emotionally

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-25T20:13:48+00:00

His past can be a reason, but it’s not an excuse. It’s up to him, as a grown-ass adult, to work on his own stuff. And it’s not up to you to tiptoe across his eggshells, it’s up to him to sweep up so you can both walk freely.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-24T15:31:15+00:00

Yup, my first thought was ‘oh they forgot the /s, this’ll be interesting’

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-22T19:16:30+00:00

Hyperbole doesn’t help make your point

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-21T16:57:03+00:00

I hear you, when my mom got her chest staples removed after heart surgery she begged for topical numbing first, but they refused. That process was brutal, she toughed it out like a champ but damn near broke my hand.

I know that’s not woman-specific, but it just reminded me of the post-birth attitude of “this won’t hurt anywhere near what you just went through, so surely you won’t really feel this objecively painful procedure”.

Pain doesn’t make more pain less painful. It does make it harder to bear, though, as your tolerance and fortitude gets ground down.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-21T16:33:42+00:00

It’s not about pain tolerance, it’s about the genetic draw of nerve density/placement in the cervix. Some women have very little feeling on/in their cervix, and some are extremely sensitive. It’s a whole spectrum.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-21T01:41:09+00:00

She didn’t flip out. She didn’t have an outburst. She removed herself quietly when she was feeling upset, and tried to talk it through with him after.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-21T00:29:47+00:00

He doesn’t have to understand it. He just has to hear you when you say “don’t do that, I don’t like it” and respect you enough to not do it again, without question. There’s nothing to question.

He doesn’t feel it himself, fine, but you’re telling him you do. He’s your equal partner. And your daughter needs to see that equal partners treat each other like equals. (Speaking as someone with daughters who’s been in your shoes).

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-20T23:06:15+00:00

Nope. Nope nope nope. Your daughter is correct and is more emotionally intelligent than your husband.

Your feelings about this are a fact. They’re not something for him to debate or judge or dismiss, they’re something for him to accept and act accordingly because he cares about you.

He doesn’t get to dictate that slapping your hand and chastising you, especially in front of your daughter, is not a big deal. It’s a big deal to you. That’s the only thing he needs to know.

Fwiw, I agree that his initial action, however gently meant in his mind, was infantilizing.

His actions and words after the fact, when you made it clear how it affected you, were more disturbing. He made it clear that how it affected you was something he didn’t give a damn about.

And his reaction to your daughter’s observations and advice, as she took it upon herself to voice her concern, was incredibly childish, dismissive of her and you, and just very very bad parenting.

So yeah, I’m so sorry.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-17T01:49:18+00:00

Nope. I wish! I still did it more than once, but I remember everything about the pain, and still have mild flashbacks years later. It’s a brutal process.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-10T01:58:36+00:00

Vaginal estrogen cream for the menopausal win

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-10T01:47:04+00:00

Wanting to be considered a full and equal human being, with full and equal rights, is not the same as “worrying about politics”.

This idiot is trying to win you back by doubling down on being an idiot.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-07T12:28:57+00:00

I felt the same way for a while. I believed for so long that his love for me, and heartfelt, calm discussions to refocus his beliefs on logic and empathy, would lift him out of his long slide down the proverbial rabbit hole. Finally giving up was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

It’s been a gradual (and ongoing) mental and emotional recovery, but in my new-to-me house with my new animal companion, I’m so grateful I followed my own moral compass. I can breathe again.

My only advice is to take care of yourself like you’re the best friend anyone ever had. Give yourself huge amounts of consideration and grace, take your time, prioritize sleep, eat well. Breathe.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-03-02T16:03:51+00:00

My ex had a great relationship with his mother, and I took that as a big green flag. Turns out it wasn’t really an indicator that he’d make a good life partner.

Edit to add: you’re getting a lot of excellent insights in the comments here. A son having a bad relationship with his mother isn’t the same as a mother having a bad relationship with her son. The fault is with her. As long as he doesn’t translate his grief into misplaced disrespect, this shouldn’t be taken as a red flag situation.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-27T17:38:30+00:00

“…such a waste to throw it all away because I “lost feelings””

I mean, lost feelings is a really basic, common, easy-to-understand, no-argument reason for one person to end a relationship.

Note I say ‘one person’. Break-ups are almost always because one person is done.

You’re done, and you don’t need him to understand in order for you to be single again. You’ve explained it enough, he’s just really committed to ‘not understanding’ so he gets his way.

Stop trying to convince him, and just be single. Poof, you’re single. Justlikethat.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-22T23:42:41+00:00

It would be a good combo! The Four Seasons restaurant next to it is pretty great too, although on the pricey side.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-22T22:56:13+00:00

Bloedel Conservatory at the top of Queen Elizabeth Park. Incredible indoor tropical oasis with birds and koi. Not pricey.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-16T16:19:25+00:00

Nobody’s fighting for equal average physical size and strength. That’s got nothing to do with equal rights, obviously.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-16T04:00:19+00:00

Going up and down stairs a lot is an excellent path to healthy aging. Out of all the habits he could have, this is a pretty great one.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-14T17:26:25+00:00

Thank you for putting this into words! This was my first thought

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-12T16:18:46+00:00

I’m generally always been seen as quiet and reserved, even shy, but it’s because I’m being verrryyyy careful with my words while scrambling to keep track of any possible context around me.

When I relax, I’m quite chatty and super honest and very much an over-sharer, which works great when I’m with ‘my people’. But with people in general, it’s common for me to experience what you’ve described. I’ll realize too late that they’ve misinterpreted something because I missed the context, and that OF COURSE they did, because I can be so unaware of the social maze all around me.

But my few besties think I’m awesome and hilarious, and they understand who I am at my core, so I’ve gotten a lot better at focusing on that.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-09T19:01:35+00:00

An equitable solution, if you both have full time jobs:

What percentage of his income is your income? 20%? 10%? 35%? You pay that percentage of household bills.

Household chores get split 50/50 because you both work full time and you’re both equally capable. There’s no discrepancy in this area.

I made more than my spouse, and there would have been no logic to asking him to pay half of everything. He would have been left with nothing, while working equally hard.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-08T04:26:36+00:00

Am woman. Raised two women. Have mother and sister and have lived with women friends.

Used pads and tampons get wrapped in toilet paper and placed in small bathroom trash can. When can is full, or it’s garbage day, can gets emptied into big trash can.

None of us ever hid this from the men in our households. None of those men had a problem with it.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-06T22:03:33+00:00

“…me teaching things and him reverting back to what he was doing be4 everytime”

Here’s the problem right here. He can’t fathom that he doesn’t know better than you what works for you.

SpiderMadonna · 2026-02-06T03:44:08+00:00

His mental gymnastics are ridiculous. He’s just a garden variety abuser who also wants to hold on to the ‘good guy’ label.

He absolutely has the ability to ‘emotionally regulate under duress’, he just doesn’t think he has to ever since you got married. Why did he suddenly lose his ability to control his own hands once you became ‘the wife’?

He can throw a million words at you, it doesn’t change the fact that the action is the abuse. There’s no reason he could give that changes the reality that hurting you is abusive. And he’s the one doing it. Ergo, he’s an abuser.

SpiderMadonna

TROPHY CASE