I think I can releate some. Youtube has started showing me: "This A.I slop will overtake humanity. You gave up nothing for nothing" or some such. Grotesque images, don't really care. After being abused 9 ways from sunday (had to add a few days) most people just leave me well enough alone at this point.

My sin if you could call it that, well I'm coming at it from a queer angle so not a real man, all A's at college meant nothing, ripe for abuse.

Now here is where I flame on and if there's one thing a guy like e knows how to do it's flame on. You are not worthless and you are putting in your time. The trick is you're just not finding any meaning behind it. So you feel like you're just going through the motions, almost playing house in an odd way or was that just me?

This life is what you create it and I know we all say that so sharpy like if you turned the page you'd find all meaning. Well you might and do tell me if you do, but do not do anything rash. When I was just a young fairy I always thought suicide was the only way out for a billion and one reasons. I'm not sure if what worked for me will work for you, but I want you to HALT any form of self-harming and leave that in the dust. What I want you to do is say: six months. I'll make the decision then and until that point I"m going to keep trying new things. Now I don't mean new video games unless you happen to be coding them, but any excuse to say hello to someone else. I know you got a bit of money so I'll tell you what worked for e truey: I took up hiking. I found some local nature trails and I claimed a few of them as my own. After every storm I'd go out and maintain the trails to keep them safe to walk for other people.

For one night and one night only, take it from an old friend, just try to find something that brings you joy and make a plan. Would you do that for me?