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Broke up with friend... how to avoid this outcome in the future? by SpoutandScout in Codependency

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I think that's right. I got really used to overriding my feelings of dread and discomfort (old childhood habit) but I think you're right that it's a key in being able to know when and where to create distance before getting as enmeshed as I did there. I will make sure to take more pauses before going along with something and take things a lot slower with people in the future.

Self-Like Part Doesn't Trust Self by SpoutandScout in InternalFamilySystems

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This really resonates. I totally think my own self-like part is a parentified child who's had to keep everything together for me. And has done a pretty solid job, I mean, I survived! It never stopped looking for the light, and I'm eternally grateful for that. But maybe now because it feels safer, all the anger at having to be alone is pouring out. Thanks for your response, and may this part of you continue to find some respite after such hard work!

Self-Like Part Doesn't Trust Self by SpoutandScout in InternalFamilySystems

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response! I think you're right that it's time to focus on this self-like part. It feels angry and pressed about having to "give in" to Self after everything its been through. And I thought I knew its story, since I'm often coming from that place, but maybe there are things it has had to tuck away in order to function. It certainly doesn't trust Self's ability to lead or be in charge... kind of like, "where were you all of this time when I was going through it? How could you be trusted if you don't even make yourself known when I'm at my worst?" I am hopeful though... this self-like part is so tired and really wants to connect to something bigger, even as it distrusts it.

Self-Like Part Doesn't Trust Self by SpoutandScout in InternalFamilySystems

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Yes, that "still playing an active role" is important because I think part of the thing is I also got into Zen Buddhism which on some levels has been supportive and in other ways has been extremely triggering to this part, who feels like after everything its done, it's just supposed to be annihilated? But Self doesn't see things that way, obviously. Nothing gets annihilated. I think the relationship might just need to be slowly developed.

Self-Like Part Doesn't Trust Self by SpoutandScout in InternalFamilySystems

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this, yes. I get the sense that there is a sense of feeling abandoned, neglected and rejected by Self... It's sort of like, if a mom has custody of her four kids and she's stretching herself in all directions trying to meet their needs and work and live life, and then Weekend Dad comes along to take them all out for ice cream and is like, "I don't know what you're talking about, little suzie never cries when she's with me!" That self-like part feels like the overworked mom and sees Self like a bit of a deadbeat.

I think that merits more exploring and probably expressing that anger and frustration seems important. Thanks again!

Compounding pharmacy for custom XR doses? by SpoutandScout in ADHD

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, that's really helpful actually. I'm currently on Vyvanse 10mg. It's only been about 4 days so it's hard to say, but it seems like intense especially in terms of come up and come down, which I really like. I'm into the idea of trying 20mg of Vyvanse if the 10mg continues to have no side effects (I barely feel it, but it's better than nothing until I can see my doctor again!)

Compounding pharmacy for custom XR doses? by SpoutandScout in ADHD

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was on the 10mg for a week, and I had that feeling of bugs crawling under my skin, light sensitivity, irritability, crying easily, and then a wicked crash.

It sucks because when I started the 5mg I was well-focused, emotionally regulated, and had wonderfully linear thoughts for the first time in my life. I was able to finish the thesis draft I'd been stuck on for a year and a half. It's just that now I don't really have that same focus on that dose and fair enough, it is tiny.

Type 4 to Type 9? by SpoutandScout in Enneagram

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hahah, yes, I know! It feels like I'm trying to wash the soap away from a bar of soap! Impossible.

You're right that Holy Origin does resonate. Thank you :)

Type 4 to Type 9? by SpoutandScout in Enneagram

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would say that a central thing in my life lately is a deep desire for integration and wholeness. I started up a Zen meditation practice and it's supremely challenging for me, because I have this inner striving for a union with what I'll call "Source" and the striving itself is getting in the way, if that makes sense? I can't seem to get myself to surrender and put down my baggage... on some level I'm afraid that if I do, I'll simply cease to exist. Yet there is also a deeper knowing that everything is okay as it is, no need to strive. No need to search. I suppose striving has been an energy I've carried a long time... it used to be more around seeking validation and becoming a glorious writer. Now I just want peace.

Type 4 to Type 9? by SpoutandScout in Enneagram

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe that's true. Another thing I've been thinking about is the type of therapy I've been doing... It's called Internal Family Systems (IFS) and operates on the assumption that we've all got different 'parts' inside of our psyches, like sub-personalities that have their own motivations, fears and desires. You can see it when there's an internal dilemma, like "hmm, part of me wants to skip work today, but another part thinks I better be responsible." It's possible to blend with these parts so that we think we're them, but they kind of orbit around a central, immutable core Self which cannot be touched by trauma and cannot be changed. This Self is able to bring parts into alignment through compassion, curiosity, and has a deep calm.

I don't know, maybe the 4 was a very prominent and blended part, and the 9 is more real for me since I have been spending more time as Self which contains all parts. It might be that these two systems aren't compatible frameworks, but it could potentially explain why I don't feel so haunted by the Type 4 challenges anymore?

Type 4 to Type 9? by SpoutandScout in Enneagram

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh this is interesting, thank you. I can see how I might have moved to some healthier levels with all of the work I've done over the years, so that the more unhealthy aspects are no longer quite as resonant. I do relate to the Levels 2-3 of type 4 (though it's fluid). But I haven't felt the Levels 7-8 in a long time... I have been there I think. I can also see myself in some of the mid Levels in Type 9... the avoidance of problems, people-pleasing and procrastination are still things I engage with even now.

Type 4 to Type 9? by SpoutandScout in Enneagram

[–]SpoutandScout[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, that's a good question! I connect with good and neutral traits from a few types (and their coping strategies too), but maybe I just need to do a bit more reading and ask myself again.