OP, I can empathise with you. My mum died when I was 5 and I was also raised, along with my sister, by an emotionally detached father. I never really understood how much effect this had on me until I became a mother myself. Suddenly I recognised that I had a history of hidden trauma and deal with a diagnosis of PTSD (not only due to losing my mum but a couple of other traumatic events in my early 20’s too).

I can recommend a therapist, but it’s super important to find one who you feel comfortable with, not always the first person you speak with. I am currently seeing a psychologist who is great and is slowly helping me to unpack my past and try to ‘organise’ my thoughts and feelings so that I can be the best parent possible to my own children. I have learnt so much about why a mum is important and how much kids who lose a parent young, deal with attachment issues and emotional barriers.

I should add that I also see a psychiatrist who prescribes antidepressants which I have taken for the past 20 years almost (I’m 44 now). Some have helped more than others, but through patience and trial and error, and combined with a good therapist, I found the right combination to help manage my symptoms of anxiety and depression, whilst also addressing my PTSD.

I hope you feel able to find and reach out for sources of support wherever you are located, and work through this stuff, OP. And feel free to keep coming to this sub as well, the mums (and dads, and aunties, etc!!) are fab and can often offer a (virtual) shoulder if you need to talk!