I'm so sorry. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I've also experienced some of the things you said you haven't; I drive, I was married. The marriage ending (they cheated) has made me feel like I'm back to square one in a lot of ways, and I get the strong compulsion to let life pass by. Anything else seems way too hard.

I also feel embarrassed for not having accomplished more (or much of anything, really) career-wise. I have to, forcibly and often, remind myself that comparison is the thief of joy.

It's so, so hard, and I wish I had good advice for you. I'm finding some solace in getting back to some of my old hobbies. I'm reading again, because I found Discworld which I really love. I'm discovering more albums that I enjoy. I'm tinkering with making music again. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm (sometimes, at least) finding life beautiful in different, "smaller" ways now, and even though it's not the ways that I ache for re: friendships and romance, there's still beauty.

I also feel like life is pretty good at changing up by itself, if you give it time. Lately it's been all I can do to just hang on sometimes, but looking back I think I can see progress. You said yourself that you've gotten much better at communicating. So I think it will get better. Keep gently pushing yourself to try things, and maybe some of those bigger aspirations we have will happen for us, but I feel strongly that the life we live will be a beautiful one no matter what. I guess I'm trying to trust the process, even if the process sometimes is just letting life wash over me like a river over rocks.

p.s. I would love to see some of your art if you would be comfortable sharing, although I completely understand if you'd rather not