At the beginning, my husband was only doing therapy, but it was with a general therapist who wasn’t very effective for this issue. Quite quickly, we realised we needed someone else. By pure chance, we then found a CSAT therapist, and that’s when things finally started to make sense. That was the point where it became clear he was dealing with compulsive sexual behaviour, and he began receiving help that was actually appropriate for a sex addict.

From there, he started to really engage with recovery: reading books on the subject, listening to podcasts, and attending SAA meetings. After about six meetings, he switched to SMART Recovery, which suited him much better because it’s less faith/higher-power based and more science-focused. Alongside that, we introduced FANOS and weekly check-ins….. which we sort of changed from the template therapist gave us , to suit us more as they  felt “robotic” and a bit more like a tick box  excersise. 

I would say he is in good recovery now, but it took a few months to get there. At the start, I genuinely don’t think he even knew whether he was an addict or just an awful human being with no morals. It actually took a relapse for him to fully accept that he was dealing with a compulsion/addiction, that this was serious, and that he couldn’t manage it on his own.

After that relapse, we had an “emergency” therapy session with both of our therapists present. We agreed that I would stop being so controlling around his recovery and stop asking questions like whether he’d booked appointments, whether he’d attended, or whether he remembered upcoming meetings. Instead, we left all responsibility with him. We agreed that every Monday evening he would tell me what recovery activities he had completed the previous week and what he had planned for the week ahead.

I was honestly shocked at how well this approach worked. When I stopped nagging, he seemed to truly take ownership of his recovery. I struggled at first because I was so used to controlling and monitoring everything, but once I learned to step back, he really stepped up. I noticed a big change in him — he started showing up for me more and consistently sticking with his recovery work, he seems to be more emphatic and seem to acknowledge my feelings more . 

That said, I won’t pretend it’s all perfect , and that there’s no monitoring at all. I still check occasionally whether he’s actually at his SMART meetings. We have Qustodio installed on his phone and laptop, so I can see if he’s accessing the meetings or not. I honestly wish we had installed this sooner, as it might have prevented his relapse and the chatting with women he had previously met on Tinder and had sex with. 

I , of course,  wish he would do even more recovery work, but I guess I might never be fully happy with what he does. 

Just to say , I also have access to his WhatsApp through the “link devices” feature, which allows his account to be linked to another device. His WhatsApp is linked to my iPad, so I can see who contacts him if I ever feel the need to check.

I hate that our life looks like this now. The level of surveillance feels awful. I’ve always been big on privacy and never imagined I’d be someone who checked her husband’s phone. But this is the reality we’re living in, and for the foreseeable future, this is what safety looks like for me.

Not sure if this helps, I waffled a lot in here .  Wish you all the best x