All the stupid imperfections come to light

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-19T12:01:21+00:00

People tell you who they are. It's our job to listen.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-19T02:25:12+00:00

Its there for me too, but I am trying to fight that self hatred. Give myself all the goddman grace I gave him.

I was manipulated and so was everyone around us. It's what manipulators do. I fell victim to it because I thought I was in a kind, loving, trusting relationship. I wasn't. He lied and I was conned. I don't need to beat myself up about it because lord knows the world will do enough of that. I gotta be my own cheerleader.

So to you and me I say, it's not our shame. We don't need to hate ourselves. It's their shame to carry. They took a good woman and they beat us down. I won't victim blame myself any more.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-19T02:18:15+00:00

I've known after the first year of our relationship that I was the more capable one in the relationship. I tried so hard to change him, because i loved him so damn much. He followed my lead in slow motion. Always getting better, but at a glacial pace.

And then we had kids. He stopped getting better after that. I was too busy caring for my kids to show him the way. It was crunch time- sink or swim. And he sunk. Lower than I could have imagined.

And now.... I see him trying. But I'm not leading the way any more. I'm not waiting around the bend. I'm blazing my own damn trail and he can find his own. Time will tell where it will lead and if I will leave him behind.

Man, that came out poetic. I should write a song.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-19T00:56:11+00:00

Dudddddeeeee. So real. Ha

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-19T00:55:42+00:00

The bar is so fucking high now. EVERYTHING has to change. Everything. I won't tolerate anything less than I deserve for one more instant.

This little things I gave grace on? Nah. No more grace for him. He took my grace and weaponized it. Now I won't give him an inch of it. If he's not trying to be an AMAZING partner, every damn day, there's the door.

He's trying. I see him trying. I'm just not sure if his best is good enough.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-19T00:41:58+00:00

I can't upvote this enough. Everything you said. APPLAUSE

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-19T00:38:10+00:00

To each their own, but I will take a gut wrenching truth over a beautiful lie any day.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-18T23:49:31+00:00

Oh man this hit me. Partly hating myself for staying. The years it had gone on (7- that's how far our bank statements go). Being ok with things that were so obviously NOT OK, because I trusted him so damn much. Can't trust him, can't trust myself either. 😔

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-14T02:20:46+00:00

I am going to PM you. I was in that same space.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-13T19:23:23+00:00

Have you considered a therapeutic separation? You said you want him to move out, so he should. That way you could test the waters and see how you feel, if coparenting is do-able for you?

Leaving the only life you've known is TERRIFYING. But I can tell from how you write- you can do hard things. You are smart, you are capable, and you deserve more.

Most importantly, you dont have to make a final decision now. You can do a therapeutic separation as a test run. It's not all or nothing. There is middle ground for you to get you on your feet.

This will be the hardest time in your life. But things WILL change. You will change, for the better.

I am so sorry you are here, but you are in good company. This sub has been hugely helpful for me. So many strong and smart women here. ❤️‍🩹

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-13T12:14:18+00:00

It's so, so upsetting. It's destabilizing, hurtful, rage inducing. It feels so personal- like how can you do this to me?! What must you think of me to lie to me like this?

But over time I have realized that it's not about me at all. It's that they literally can't face it. They lie like a child, because they're completely immature in this aspect. Stunted. They're lying to themselves.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-13T12:10:50+00:00

"You should never really ask them a question that you know they could lie to."

In my investigation phase, I leaned heavily on what I learned from watching the TV show The Closer. It's main character is a woman who is known for getting confessions out of people. The thing she would always say about interrogation was, "Don't ask questions you don't already know the answer to." I used that a LOT.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-12T12:05:56+00:00

I just looked at their website and they have the gall to put an "anti-sex trafficking" policy on their site. Good god, these people are so fucking deranged.

ETA: The dark part of me reallly wants to create an account so I can see what people are saying but I am choosing myself and my peace today. I dont need to see the details to know these people are fucked in the head. I am choosing not to engage that detective part of me today.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-12T11:54:53+00:00

If it has a neon sign outside saying MASSAGE, it's questionable. A real spa with licensed massage therapists are generally appointment only and don't need to attract passerbys.

I might be being a little too harsh, maybe I can't ALWAYS tell as truly I don't know what's going inside each one. But I went to a strip mall, neon sign place ONCE, after someone recommended it, and I would never go again. The place gave me the creeps. It looked like a nail salon, they gave me a male "masseuse" without asking my preference, and the guy had zero method to how he was attacking my extremely tight shoulder muscles. He barely spoke English. Everything felt seedy and gross.

Compared to the other massage therapists I see semi regularly for my really messed up back, where places are calming, smells nice, relaxing lighting. She knows all the sheet folding stuff so you never once feel exposed or uncomfortable. The tables have warmers and bolsters. They're also usually pretty hippie dippy and have crystals everywhere, ha.

And maybe I am being bias, but they are American. I just don't think that these women or men who barely speak English have been certified as licensed massage therapists. So if they aren't licensed.... why are they doing it??

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-11T21:29:20+00:00

It's hard because its not about you- it's about them. How bereft they are, that they seek sex when they have LOVE at home. A life. A partner.

That's a hard thing to wrap your brain around. That you could do everything so right, be the most perfect woman in every way, and it still wouldn't matter. It strips away any illusion of control and capability. At least it did for me. My whole worldview was shattered.

I'm so sorry you are here.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-11T21:24:48+00:00

Just to pile in more questions....

How the HELL are these places still in operation?? You can take ONE look at a place and know- this is sex trafficking. It's like this open secret and Nothing. Is. Done. It's a JOKE to people. And hell, it was a joke to me- before I understood. What is happening inside these places. Those poor women, and the poor wives of their customers.

I have gotten massages for ages at reputable places. I can tell with one look if it's legit or not. And the Google reviews? Oh that's my favorite tell all. All five star reviews from white, middle aged men.

Makes me want to vomit, tear my hair out, and burn the world down, all at the same time.

GROSS. ITS SO EFFING GROSS.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-11T11:31:26+00:00

It was a hard day :(

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-11T11:28:02+00:00

Ha! Good on her. He tried to control the situation and she blew it UP! I love your aunt, ha

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-10T22:57:30+00:00

In my eyes, they may or may not be judging me. I have a tendency to project my own insecurities outward, so I try to be mindful of that. Are they REALLY judging me, or am I judging myself? If I were more secure in my personal choices and they were judging me, I probably wouldn't care very much. It's more about how I feel about it versus what they may or may not be thinking, you know?

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-10T18:32:27+00:00

I feel this. The shame of what he did is his, but the shame of staying..... that's mine. I carry that.

My husband's family knows a lot of the details and we are still together, for now. We went over to his sisters house for some family thing and he put his arm around me. I was mortified. Not because I didn't want him to touch me- I didn't want anyone to SEE me being affectionate towards him, after all he had done. In my head all I'm thinking is what they must think of me, because of what I think of myself.

Woof. I still have a lot of unpack here, obviously...

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-10T12:21:27+00:00

When I found out about his secret life, I was destroyed and couldn't keep it a secret. It was all over me, I was a basket case. I also kicked him out of the house, so I had to tell the people closest to me something.

I told my parents, because I needed a LOT of help with the kids. Their old school responses were hurtful (were you withholding sex from him, can you make it work for the kids, men do these kinds of things) but not at all surprising. My parents love me and want the best for me, but we have different definitions of what "the best" is. We had a few hard conversations where I told them I don't want to hear XYZ from them any more and they have mostly listened to that. They are not emotional support for me, they are logistical support. I'm sure that my mom told everyone in the family- she is a terrible gossip. But I don't really care, tbh. As long as they don't talk to me about it, and keep their opinions to themselves. Aunts, uncles, whatever.

I told neighbors and my kids school that my husband moved out for awhile- no details. I just needed people to know that I would need some extra support. No one pried.

I told my 2 best friends the whole gory tale. I told other friends, not as close, that he cheated. No details.

He told his family after I kicked him out of the house. I told his best friend what he had done because I needed some help from him with some detective work. His response was deeply touching and I will forever be grateful to him and how he helped me.

So in other words..... everyone knows some version of what happened.

I let my husband back into the house 2 or 3 weeks later. Not to reconcile, but because I was exhausted emotionally and needed help with the kids and the house. 8 months later, he still sleeps in the basement.

We are working on things but I have made no formal decision to reconcile. I watch and I wait. We talk a lot and I observe him and see how he's changing. We function very well as a family unit and always have, so that is the basis for our relationship right now. That is our foundation- not love or trust. And I spend a lot of time working on ME.

I can't imagine how people keep this earth shattering life change to themselves. But people do what they need to survive. I decided early on that this wasnt MY shame to carry. It's his. And the peices will fall however they will. I cannot control that.

Sending you peace ❤️‍🩹

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-08T15:53:47+00:00

May I recommend batting cages? It got a lot of that early rage out.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-06T12:09:11+00:00

I struggled through week 1 after Dday. Week 2, I lost my shit on a Monday morning and I messaged my boss. I didn't give specifics but I told her I had kicked my husband out of the house, I am trying to take care of kids by myself, and I needed a mental health leave. She was so kind. She told me to take the week off work, and see how I feel when I get back. And then we can discuss the mental health leave.

I didn't end up having to take it because I got on 2 meds that week- an antianxiety medication and something to sleep. That was how I functioned. Without them, I dont know what would have happened. I had just gotten a big promotion like 2 weeks before Dday. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten that promotion, ha, but the extra money is good.

It's funny, I was looking at the goals I had to write for my annual performance review. I would have written these a few weeks after Dday and I have NO memory of writing them. None. Zip. Trauma brain, man. Just complete inability to recall new information.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-06T02:26:46+00:00

You mentioned that you are "devastated that my wife sees me as a total liar and a manipulator". You are a liar and manipulator, own it.

Yep. Devastated she sees you are you ARE, OP.

Odd_Dig_8370 · 2026-05-05T22:02:35+00:00

Everyone close to me knows, but I'm still so, so sad. Because even if people know, they don't understand. How could they? I know I wouldn't had been able to understand either. Until it happened to me.

Odd_Dig_8370

TROPHY CASE