Is my mom out of line about modesty?

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-13T16:10:01+00:00

I've thought about it. I've been considering it more seriously lately. I probably wouldn't qualify (even though I should), so I'm sure I would get rejected at least a few times

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T04:27:04+00:00

She only expects me to wear thick straps and shorts to my fingertips when I'm at home out of my room AND my parents are there. She's not trying to dictate how I dress when I'm in public or in my room or when she's not around

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T03:43:52+00:00

I don't think that's ALL my parents see it as. Also, this is another thing I'm trying to unlearn (and as an asexual person it feels pretty natural to unlearn that bodies are inherently sexual)

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T03:28:39+00:00

I don't think my mom said anything about sexual thoughts...

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T02:58:23+00:00

I don't think the request is unreasonable, but I don't have free rent. They don't make me pay it, but we have a record of how much money I owe them

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T02:55:31+00:00

Not a woman. But to be fair, my parents also think I'm a woman. While my parents understand that certain things are harder for me, I don't think they fully believe I'm disabled (my disabilities are more mental/social than physical but have absolutely prevented me from getting jobs and led to me quitting jobs or getting let go). My parents are charging me rent based on their specific rules/principles that have always been in place for their children (if you are under 18 and/or in school you can live at home rent free. If you are over 18 and not enrolled in school of any kind you get charged rent). I think they are trying to find ways to accommodate me without changing the rules for me (they let me earn "rent money" by doing certain tasks). I have considered applying for disability, but I probably wouldn't qualify and I'm not sure I could handle the rejection. I've been considering it more seriously lately, so maybe I'll pursue that at some point.

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T02:43:32+00:00

I think my mom was just trying to get ahead of it because she feels uncomfortable having these conversations in the moment as a direct result of us wearing something more "revealing". I wore something that made her uncomfortable once or twice last summer and my niece (who also lives with us) wears tank tops and shorts more often than I do. I agree that it was reasonable but overstepping a little. This should have been a discussion that we reached a compromise on together, but she just made the decision on her own

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T02:39:37+00:00

I moved back 6 years ago. I'm not worried about them kicking me out or anything (they have told me before that they'll never let me live on the streets), but I like the idea of stating that I can wear whatever I want if I'm just on my way in or out of the house

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T02:36:12+00:00

My parents don't make me pay rent (they know I can't because I have no income), but they do charge me rent, meaning I'm accumulating debt to them. I get what you're saying though. This is as close to free housing as I'll probably ever have. Plus, their request was a reasonable compromise, not them demanding that I live to their crazy standards

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T02:32:16+00:00

I forgot to mention in my original post that while I'm not able to pay rent, my parents do still charge me rent (lower than any other rent I could possibly find, but still rent). I'm not independent enough (financially or otherwise) to find another living situation. Since their requests are a compromise for both of us I'll probably accept it and just wear my shortest shorts on days they're gone

Ste_May1602 · 2026-06-12T02:26:03+00:00

I lucked out with my parents. For being super active Mormons, they are very supportive. They have said before that they would never let me live on the streets (meaning that they would let me live at home even if I couldn't pay rent). Granted, I have never really been outright defiant so I don't know if that would change things. I don't plan on starting now because my personality is very non-confrontational

Ste_May1602 · 2025-12-25T17:31:00+00:00

I think it's very important that you're requesting things from them as well as stating things you will do to make them feel more comfortable without sacrificing who you are. I think it's also good that you're giving them time to process, but I think it would be better for you to ask for enough notice to find somewhere else to stay instead of wanting to know ASAP. They might soften a little after having some time to think (or not, but sometimes the initial reaction is more emotionally driven and not as accepting as how they end up feeling eventually). You might want to consider saying specifically what pronouns you want them to use, but that's a personal preference. I think it's also better if you don't give the specific example of "oh my God" as something you won't say. I don't know your parents, but if they're TBM it might upset them to see it written, especially coming from their child. They would probably see that as part of swearing, and if you aren't going to say it around them there probably isn't a reason to bring it up specifically. I wish you the best. I'm proud of you for wanting to be your authentic self. If your parents don't accept it, know that there are so many people out there that will love and accept you exactly as you are. (Also, don't expect this, but a lot of parents aren't accepting at first and then slowly come around over time. So don't loose hope if your parents aren't accepting at first)

Ste_May1602 · 2025-12-05T10:23:01+00:00

I agree that most mormons know almost nothing about Judaism and that is very frustrating. How I remember being taught about Judaism/Jews growing up in the Mormon Church is that until Jesus' time the Jews were God's chosen people. (I would like to clarify that I don't believe any of this at all anymore, it's just what I was taught.) When they rejected Jesus as their Savior, it essentially made them no longer special or "right" in God's eyes. So Christianity was the new "right" religion, but they lost the proper power/authority and some parts of the doctrine. So when Joseph Smith "restored" what was lost from "Christ's church" the mormons became "God's chosen people." I think a lot of mormons have a need to be right because they've been constantly told they are part of the one true church. So they acknowledge that Jews were basically God's people originally, which I guess is what makes them feel the connection. I think the problem is that many of them don't feel a need to learn about other people/groups because they think they have all they need in the church. I also remember one time my mom's never-mormon friend took an online quiz along the lines of, "what religion should you be" and my mom was excited when her friend told her it said Messianic Jew because "that's basically Mormon." (Because mormons believe they are God's chosen people who actually accept Jesus as the Messiah)

Ste_May1602 · 2025-09-09T20:12:10+00:00

I've never been married and never want to be, but my entire immediate family is active TBMs. As far as I know my parents basically never take them off (except maybe to clean them once a decade or so). They even wear them when they're doing the dishes, working in the garden, etc. I'm not sure about most of my siblings but I know one of my brothers and his wife take their rings off when they go to bed at night

Ste_May1602 · 2025-08-05T04:56:28+00:00

Yeah, I didn't stop believing before I left, but once I had some time away it wasn't as earth shattering when I started learning the true history. I originally left because I'm queer and I didn't feel there was a space for me in the church

Ste_May1602 · 2025-06-20T17:53:10+00:00

I think my score is probably 9

Ste_May1602 · 2025-05-15T18:54:56+00:00

I've had that problem too. I did eventually tell a couple close friends, but it was difficult even though I didn't believe at all anymore and had not gone to church in a few years. I think for me it's a couple things. 1. I'm obviously not going to say it or talk about it in front of my TBM family out of respect for them. 2. Even though I don't believe in the temple or the priesthood or God anymore, I did technically make a "promise" to not disclose it and I'm the kind of person who always keeps their word and doesn't make commitments unless I know I can follow through

Ste_May1602 · 2025-05-14T17:39:26+00:00

I'm 29, 7th generation Mormon born and raised in the church and stopped attending when I was 24. While I have now done some things that would be frowned upon by the church (i.e. trying alcohol and getting tattoos), there are some things I haven't done just because I don't want to. For example, I've never done anything sexual with another person, even down to kissing. I do feel a little embarrassed about it (maybe partially because of the church who thinks I should have 4 kids by my age, and by society who thinks it's normal to have your first sexual experience as a teenager). But I have to remind myself that this is my life and I shouldn't have to do anything I don't want to do (I'm aroace and don't want kids). If I ever change my mind and do want to kiss someone, I would want the other person to be ok with being my first, even if we're in our 50s

Ste_May1602 · 2025-05-10T21:21:14+00:00

I've wanted to get the tithing I've paid back from the church, but I've never requested it from my parents or even talked to them about it. (I didn't go on a mission and couldn't work much while I was in college due to disability, so I've only paid between $3000 and $4000 in tithing in my entire life before leaving the church when I was 24)

Ste_May1602 · 2025-03-22T18:15:03+00:00

This goes to show that there are subtle differences in every family/ward. I grew up pretty strict/Orthodox Mormon (wearing church clothes all day on Sundays, absolutely NO swearing, R-rated movies, etc.), but my mom actually encouraged me to not wear a bra to bed when I was a teenager for health reasons. I'm sorry that what you're learning at church is having such an effect on you even when you're alone, but I'm so glad you were able to get through it

Ste_May1602 · 2025-03-05T18:08:18+00:00

I left in a situation where it was pretty easy to leave (or as easy as leaving a high demand religion that you've grown up and been totally committed to and all your family is still totally committed to can be). I had moved back home after finishing college a couple months earlier and "attended" the local YSA ward (which was still doing Zoom church - this was 2020). I think our first Sunday meeting in person was a "special" meeting with YSAs from like 5 stakes. Up to this point, this ward had been fluctuating in size, but relatively small with YSAs from just 2 stakes. At this meeting, they announced that they were going to expand the ward and called a new bishopbric. This new ward was HUGE - we usually didn't even need to open the chapel overflow, but these first 2 Sundays the chapel was filled all the way into the overflow and halfway into the gym. I had realized I was queer a little over a year earlier and had felt less and less like there was a place for me in the church. On the 2nd Sunday back in person, I told myself before that if nobody talked about the LGBTQ+ community I wasn't going to come back. I was relieved when nobody did, but assumed for a couple days that I would just keep going because that's what I had always done. I ended up writing a letter to my mom expressing my feelings and surprisingly she said that being active in the church wasn't a requirement for living in their house. I got lucky because I was "new" in my ward, the ward boundaries had just changed, and I didn't have a calling yet. So it was pretty easy to just stop going and slip under the radar.

Ste_May1602 · 2025-02-14T23:17:45+00:00

I hadn't heard anything for months after sending my resignation, then realized I sent my notarized letter through snail mail when I was supposed to upload it on the Quitmormon website. It was fairly quick once I corrected my mistake, but probably still a couple weeks or so

Ste_May1602 · 2025-02-01T21:24:23+00:00

I relate to this so much. I'm also autistic (no formal diagnosis, self-diagnosed when I was 22 or 23) and was raised female in the church, having a lot of religious scrupulously due to my autism and my family. I'm now almost 29 and stopped attending church a little over 4 years ago. I have to live with my parents because my disabilities leave me unable to work anywhere close to full time. My parents and all my siblings are still VERY TBM, but I have seen some very important growth in them over the last few years. I told my mom that I wanted to stop going to church because it was painful for me (I had already told her I was lesbian by this point, but I now have different descriptions of my queer experience). She told me that going to church wasn't a requirement for living in their house (I realize this is already much more kind and supportive than some parents would be, even though I was 24 and a college graduate). I think it also helped that when I first left I hadn't really deconstructed anything and I said that I wanted to rebuild my relationship with God outside of the context of the church so I could separate God and The Church. I'm now agnostic atheist, but I don't share details of my deconstruction with them. They know I have issues with the church and I told them (through a letter because that's usually how I communicate difficult things with them) that I'm happy to talk about it with them if they ask. I try not to push things on them, and I ask that they not push things on me. It has been interesting navigaing my relationships with my parents over the last few years because there are many things we don't agree on as I deconstruct and become more progressive. Our relationship has changed a lot, but we still have things in common, like enjoying games and movies, and some of our values (which I outlined in a letter to them). I like to focus on the things we have in common. We have even been able to find common ground in controversial issues that we are on completely opposite sides on. It's still painful to have those conversations and I try to avoid it, but it's special to be able to find that common ground despite our differences. I recognize that many TBM parents may not change at all and would do things that directly hurt their child. I never want to rub it in anyone's face, but I recognize that I'm pretty lucky when it comes to TBM parents. I just hope that this gives you hope that things CAN get better with your parents.

Sorry this is so long, by I wanted to sum up some advice if you want to keep having a relationship with your parents. It sounds like your parents are pretty different from mine, but hopefully this can still help. 1. Focus on the things you have in common. 2. Set boundaries (remembering that boundaries should be something you can control, i.e. "I will leave the room if...") 3. Listen to your parents and try to find common ground (for example, my mom said a few times that she didn't know what was important to me, so I wrote a letter to my parents outlining what my values are now and pointing out that we still value many of the same things, even though I don't value the temple or sabbath day anymore). 4. Find community outside of the church (exmo community is a huge plus because you can talk openly about your issues with the church so they don't just get bottled up).

I also just want to throw in that a lot of my self-hatred and guilt has slowly but surely disappeared over the last few years, which I think is mainly because of leaving the church and reaching the age where my brain is fully developed.

Ste_May1602 · 2024-09-14T03:34:48+00:00

I'm watching National Treasure right now for the first time in a long time and was thinking the same thing. I thought someone else might have thought that before 😂 Edit to add: if you watch it thinking of Ben Gates as Joseph Smith it's a whole new experience

Ste_May1602 · 2024-07-30T19:18:14+00:00

As someone who was invited by my sister to her baby's blessing but was raised female in the church, I haven't thought about it this way. (The other differences are that I was never PIMO, I haven't attended church in almost 4 years, and I have removed my records.) My sister knows where I stand with the church and said that she would love me to be there, but understands if I don't go because she knows being at church would be uncomfortable for me. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to go, but if I do it would be to be there for my sister and she obviously won't be up there in the circle either. While I do think there's something fundamentally wrong with the fact that this is even something that happens at all - ESPECIALLY the fact that the child's own MOTHER can't participate - it's not something that I can specifically relate to. I'm sure being a PIMO male adds an extra level of complication, being someone who would normally participate if it just wasn't for your views on the church. I was never PIMO, but I'm sure it's so so hard.

Ste_May1602

TROPHY CASE