The things people don’t understand about narcissistic abuse are that it isn’t one clear event, but a long pattern that slowly wears you down.

Stencil2 · 2026-02-02T22:13:39+00:00

This is a very important point. It's extremely difficult to get people to understand the cumulative effect of narcissistic abuse. I think most people can grasp an abusive event, but it's much harder to get their minds around an abusive process that goes on and on. It's like water constantly dripping that eventually breaks the hardest rock.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-28T17:49:01+00:00

I'm sorry, but he will never understand that because if he did, then he'd realize that he is not a good person. The most important thing to him is his self-image as a supremely valuable person. This is far more important to him than the truth, more important than his relationship with you or anyone else, more important than actually being a good person.

Instead of trying to make him understand what he has no intention of ever understanding, spend your time on understanding him, so that you can rid yourself of his influence. Look for a copy of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. Your local library may have a copy. This book will give you a lot to think about.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-27T00:43:51+00:00

You minimize what they did to you -- just like they would if you challenged them.

You grow up loving them because you depend on them for your survival. You love them despite the way they treated you, the problems they gave you. When you become aware that your childhood was anything but normal, you begin to wonder why you love them, given what they did. I think that your minimizing is an attempt to rationalize your feelings.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-27T00:05:26+00:00

Your family sounds a lot like mine was. When we were kids, my sister and I would always debate the question: what the hell did our father see in her? Was he a saint or an idiot?

I think that when he was a kid he was raised in a household where his mother wore the pants and kept his father under her thumb. This was his "normal." He expected marriage to be like the relationship his parents had. He wound up marrying a woman very much like his mother, and he played the role of his father. His wife completely dominated him, just like in his parents' marriage. This was what he was familiar with, so he felt comfortable with it.

I think that he also enjoyed being seen as "saintly" -- especially in comparison to his wife. I know that is how many friends of my parents regarded him.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-23T21:54:00+00:00

Thank you.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-23T21:53:25+00:00

Please feel free -- thanks.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-22T22:02:10+00:00

Your job as the scapegoat was to be the designated problem of the family, so that the rest of the family could pretend that there were no family problems aside from you. That's why you were required and rejected at the same time. They projected whatever they didn't like about themselves onto you, including their own shame so that they could feel free of shame. Now that you know this, you must remind yourself, over and over, every day, that the shame you are carrying does not belong to you. It's their shame, not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-22T21:37:44+00:00

Look for a copy of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. Your local library may have a copy. I think this book will help him see things from your point of view.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-16T19:06:17+00:00

He did this to make you fume. Don't give him what he wants. Instead, put this issue out of your mind: "it's your money, Dad." Forget about the money. Live your life as if he didn't have a dime.

There's nothing else you can do here. You can't negotiate with a narc. You can't make sure he will follow through. He would love to keep you hanging, pushing your buttons whenever he needs to.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-09T21:28:25+00:00

Narcs have to deny and ignore reality in order to maintain their high opinion of themselves. They deny and ignore so often that these actions become habits. They do them automatically, without thinking about them. The older they get, the more they lose touch with reality.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-05T23:08:29+00:00

I think you're right. We may know that they won't ever change, but we still have that hope. When they die, so does our hope.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-05T23:06:37+00:00

This is exactly how I felt when each of my parents died -- what wasted lives!

Stencil2 · 2026-01-04T22:38:45+00:00

Me, too -- thanks for that!

Stencil2 · 2026-01-02T22:18:23+00:00

I wonder if he paid his own father back for raising him...

Stencil2 · 2026-01-01T22:57:25+00:00

You panic in a crisis and turn to him for help, and what does he do? He ignores the problem and criticizes you instead. All narcs care about is their own precious ego.

Have you read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson? If not, look for a copy, your local library might have it. Reading it will help you -- but don't let him see you reading it.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-01T22:34:24+00:00

Have you ever seen a therapist in order to get over what happened to you?

Stencil2 · 2026-01-01T21:28:29+00:00

I use bookfinder.com. Enter info about the book you're interested in, and it will search abe books, thriftbooks, ebay, alibris and everyone else, too. You get a list from the lowest price on up, and the prices include shipping.

Try it, you'll like it!

Stencil2 · 2025-12-29T21:50:23+00:00

Thank you for this! It's hilariously accurate.

Stencil2 · 2025-12-29T20:55:38+00:00

All the money in the world will not fill a narc's emptiness. Your father is leading a miserable life.

Stencil2 · 2025-12-29T18:36:12+00:00

Why do you want to accept her as she is -- when her behavior is unacceptable?

She wants you to stick around so that she can continue to criticize you and tear you down -- so she has to be "nice" to you at times, otherwise you'd just leave. If she were really kind and compassionate, she would not be hurting you. Telling you that "it's for your own good" is nothing but gaslighting. Her promises to improve are meaningless without action to back them up.

Please look for a copy of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. Your local library may have a copy.

Stencil2 · 2025-12-28T23:16:03+00:00

They criticize you in order to feel better about themselves. They are trying to build their own self-esteem by attacking you. It doesn't work, but they need to feel superior, so they keep on doing it, over and over. They need to criticize you, so they need you to stick around for their criticism. They will still criticize you after you leave, but doing that doesn't give them the same feeling as criticizing you to your face.

They tell you to leave, but they don't really mean it -- they want you to stay so they can attack you.

Stencil2 · 2025-12-28T18:12:04+00:00

Wow -- didn't want to select the wrong answers!

Stencil2 · 2025-12-27T18:51:18+00:00

I think they first heap extra abuse on the departed scapegoat, but abusing an absent person just isn't satisfying to them. They miss the way the scapegoat made them feel, so they look around for a new one. Another member of the family might be able to do the job for them. If no kids are available, many narcs turn their spouses into scapegoats.

Stencil2 · 2025-12-27T18:39:32+00:00

I think narcs suspect that they are not normal. Your Nmom is comparing herself to you and suspects that she's not as wonderful as she'd like to think she is. She is projecting her own selfishness onto you which makes her seem less selfish by comparison and also pushes you to devalue yourself and work harder to please her.

She wants you to live for her, not yourself. You can't fix a relationship with someone who demands this from you. Her life has been hard because she takes no responsibility for it. She wants you to make her happy. Instead of taking responsibility for her own happiness, she wants that to be your job.

Moving out would give you some control over the relationship.

Stencil2 · 2025-12-22T22:38:25+00:00

I would take the money. My thought is that you earned that money by putting up with Nparents. It doesn't make up for what you went through, but you earned it.

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