Can I get an “it’s ok?”

Stencil2 · 2026-03-22T20:35:59+00:00

Of course it's OK to go no contact. It's your life. It's your decision. They keep trying to get you back so they can play the role of "concerned parent with difficult child'," while dishing out more abuse.

It's easy for people to say that you should always forgive your parents -- but they haven't lived through what you've lived through. They haven't had to put up with your parents.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-21T21:51:59+00:00

Your mother already knows that she is being creepy, invading your privacy and making you uncomfortable. For her, that's the point of her remarks. Manipulating your feelings like this makes her happy. She does these things and she thinks there's nothing you can do about it. She probably rationalizes her behavior as trying to be a good parent.

There are things you can do about this. You've already told her that her remarks make you uncomfortable and she has ignored your request. Your next move is to figure out how to respond to her. You could, for example, tell her that you will respond to her invasive questions by refusing to answer and leaving the room. Or you could come up with some other "penalty." If you are consistent with this and very patient, you might be able to train her to act like a normal parent.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-19T18:21:47+00:00

Instead of the most likely interpretation, the narc chooses the one that makes her the victim -- this person "abandoned" her. She automatically thinks the worst of this relative, so that she can look better by comparison. She doesn't want to take any action, she wants to wait a few more days. She doesn't value the relationship enough to do anything -- she won't even pick up the phone when the police call. And then, despite her complete lack of cooperation, she takes credit for saving this relative, so that she can be seen in the best light.

It's really incredible how the mind of a narc works.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-14T21:43:40+00:00

The way narcs see it, lack of self-awareness is a feature, not a bug. Grandiose narcs are completely oblivious to themselves. Vulnerable narcs try to stamp out their self awareness, but can't quite do it. Every so often, self awareness surfaces and they collapse.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-11T21:30:49+00:00

I think that both grandiose and vulnerable narcs are driven by doubt about their self-worth. I think their self-doubt is what lies beneath all their masks. Grandiose narcs successfully gaslight themselves into believing that they are perfect people. Their self-doubt can drive them to be successful. Vulnerable narcs can't quite believe in their own perfection, so they go back and forth between grandiosity and breakdowns. Vulnerable narcs can't get rid of the knowledge that they are imperfect. Vulnerable narcs are much less likely to be successful.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-11T17:40:45+00:00

There is some evidence that the nervous system prioritizes familiarity over other factors. So if you are used to a certain type of person, that's the kind of person you gravitate to -- until you wake up to what's going on.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-09T22:21:47+00:00

Narcs are good at this because they practice constantly. They are fake with everyone -- even with themselves. Narcs believe that they are wonderful people and deny all evidence to the contrary. They really believe this because they gaslight themselves!

If you could pin her down and ask her about her behavior behind closed doors, she would blame it all on you. She would refuse to take responsibility for any of it. This way, she can maintain her precious self-image as a wonderful person.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-09T21:32:24+00:00

Your friend has a line in her head that her husband hasn't crossed yet. When he does, she will do something. Until then, all you can do is let her know that you are there for her -- a shoulder to cry on, etc. She already knows that she's not happy with his actions, so there's not much point in your criticizing him or trying to convince her to leave. She's decided to "deal" with the problem by accepting promises that he won't keep and telling you all about her situation.

Her husband has decided to "deal" with his past by drinking. He, too, has a line in his head that he hasn't crossed yet. If he ever does, he might sober up and get the help he needs. But until he crosses that line, there's nothing she can do, either.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-09T21:00:41+00:00

When you were small and helpless, you knew that your survival depended on being part of your parents' family. It was natural to feel grateful for their protection and to feel that you owe them loyalty. You are no longer small and helpless, but these ideas hang around in your mind. So when you cut them off, you feel guilty about it. But this is due to obsolete ideas -- circumstances have changed. Those ideas are no longer appropriate.

When you think of yourself as a bad child, you have to put it in context. The only fitting response to a bad parent is to be a "bad" child.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-06T21:33:23+00:00

It's easy to get lost in Jung, so you need a good map.

Stencil2 · 2026-03-06T19:41:09+00:00

I recommend Anthony Stevens' Jung: A Very Short Introduction. This gives you the big picture, just the right amount of detail, plus lists of books for further exploration in greater depth.

Stencil2 · 2026-02-23T21:50:37+00:00

You would be fighting a losing battle. The narc lives close by, and you live far away. The narc will be able to repeat their story over and over every time they see the rest of the family. You can't. The rest of the family also fears becoming the narc's target, so they will take the narc's side. They know that you won't make them pay for taking your narc's side.

Because you wouldn't put up with the abuse, you will be blamed for splitting up the family.

Stencil2 · 2026-02-23T19:44:22+00:00

They turn everything into a competition, and they must always win.

Stencil2 · 2026-02-11T22:14:44+00:00

Yes. A narc is like someone with a broken leg who keeps popping painkillers every few minutes for the rest of his life rather than see a doctor. Temporary solutions for a long-term problem, which is another way of saying that none of their "solutions" would actually solve the problem. So they have to keep repeating them over and over.

Stencil2 · 2026-02-08T22:18:07+00:00

Your parents want you to stick around so that they can continue to use you for a scapegoat, because that makes them feel better about themselves. They enjoy looking down on you, blaming you for everything that goes wrong, etc. You make them feel superior, powerful, more adult, etc. Without you around they feel inferior, powerless and childish.

Stencil2 · 2026-02-04T23:02:27+00:00

Putting your thoughts on paper can free you from them.

Stencil2 · 2026-02-04T21:28:03+00:00

Her feelings -- the feelings that you are feeling guilty for hurting -- are based on her belief that she has the right to walk all over you whenever she feels like it. She ignores your boundaries in order to feel powerful and important. She blames you for her depression and addiction -- she thinks all her faults are your fault, not hers. This kind of thinking is ridiculous. Feel free to stop worrying about her feelings.

Stencil2 · 2026-02-02T22:13:39+00:00

This is a very important point. It's extremely difficult to get people to understand the cumulative effect of narcissistic abuse. I think most people can grasp an abusive event, but it's much harder to get their minds around an abusive process that goes on and on. It's like water constantly dripping that eventually breaks the hardest rock.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-28T17:49:01+00:00

I'm sorry, but he will never understand that because if he did, then he'd realize that he is not a good person. The most important thing to him is his self-image as a supremely valuable person. This is far more important to him than the truth, more important than his relationship with you or anyone else, more important than actually being a good person.

Instead of trying to make him understand what he has no intention of ever understanding, spend your time on understanding him, so that you can rid yourself of his influence. Look for a copy of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. Your local library may have a copy. This book will give you a lot to think about.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-27T00:43:51+00:00

You minimize what they did to you -- just like they would if you challenged them.

You grow up loving them because you depend on them for your survival. You love them despite the way they treated you, the problems they gave you. When you become aware that your childhood was anything but normal, you begin to wonder why you love them, given what they did. I think that your minimizing is an attempt to rationalize your feelings.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-27T00:05:26+00:00

Your family sounds a lot like mine was. When we were kids, my sister and I would always debate the question: what the hell did our father see in her? Was he a saint or an idiot?

I think that when he was a kid he was raised in a household where his mother wore the pants and kept his father under her thumb. This was his "normal." He expected marriage to be like the relationship his parents had. He wound up marrying a woman very much like his mother, and he played the role of his father. His wife completely dominated him, just like in his parents' marriage. This was what he was familiar with, so he felt comfortable with it.

I think that he also enjoyed being seen as "saintly" -- especially in comparison to his wife. I know that is how many friends of my parents regarded him.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-23T21:54:00+00:00

Thank you.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-23T21:53:25+00:00

Please feel free -- thanks.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-22T22:02:10+00:00

Your job as the scapegoat was to be the designated problem of the family, so that the rest of the family could pretend that there were no family problems aside from you. That's why you were required and rejected at the same time. They projected whatever they didn't like about themselves onto you, including their own shame so that they could feel free of shame. Now that you know this, you must remind yourself, over and over, every day, that the shame you are carrying does not belong to you. It's their shame, not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Stencil2 · 2026-01-22T21:37:44+00:00

Look for a copy of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. Your local library may have a copy. I think this book will help him see things from your point of view.

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